Sex has become a chore with DH..

[PJDN]

I have a much lower sex drive than DH and his is very high. I might like it once or twice a week (possibly 3 times some weeks) whereas he would like it daily and preferably multiple times within that 24 hour window.

We have toddlers so that isn't possible (or wanted by me)

I've not been in 'the' mood for the past five or so days as I have felt stressed with other pressing matters. I said to him that we could have sex today if I don't start my period (it's always between 21st and 24th every month)

When he left for work last night he text me saying "you've shown no interest all week now when you do you're going to come on lol"

He has also made comments about how he's disappointed I don't give him oral sex anymore despite knowing full well why I can't. I have acute TMD requiring an operation and I'm on strong medication daily to control the pain. I just can't use my mouth in that way now.

He came home from work this morning, showered and put on his 'sexy' underwear for bed which he does when he wants sex. He likes me to wake him up by joining him in bed iykwim. God knows how he thinks that's feasible with children awake in the afternoon but there we are.

As the day has gone on I'm getting the pre menstrual cramps, anxiety and feeling generally unwell as I always do before it starts so it looks like sex is now off the menu unless I have sex I don't want (which I won't be doing)

He's going to be disappointed and sexually frustrated which will then bug me as I don't understand why he can't just masturbate instead. He treats sex as though it's like oxygen, he needs it day in bloody day out.

As you can probably tell I'm just fed up of the sex expectations and mismatched drives and I don't like how it makes me feel inadequate when I have a perfectly normal sex drive (to most people)

It has become a chore and so repetitive that I no longer look forward to it.

Are we doomed?

and this is why my ex is my ex.

not the sexy pants - his idea of foreplay was to stand in front of the telly and take his pyjama bottoms off.

he expected some form of sex at least every other day. smacking my arse on his way past me in the kitchen and shouting ‘COR!’ at me was just one of his sexy. sexy signature moves.

and when we did have sex, oh my god the palaver. i had to be in the position he wanted for as long as he wanted. he would literally sulk if he wanted to go down on me and i refused. he made me feel like a hole.

i used to try and get it out of the way in the mornings. much quicker and then done for 48 hours.

reading this back makes me feel like such a doormat. there was a lot else wrong with the relationship but i can honestly say the freedom from his constant hounding me for sex is the best thing that’s happened to me in years.

i’m a year out of that relationship and i don’t know if i’ll ever want to have sex again. which feels just fine by me at the moment.

I'm just thinking of him in his sexy pants!
Could you show us a picture? (Not with him inside them!)
I'm just fascinated by what he'll imagine is a turn on ... black satin with Big Boy embroidered in gold sequins? Or anything without bobbly elastic?
I'm amazed you manage three times a week!

Notcoolmum - to be accurate, she does actually enjoy sex when we are having it (and says so) but she is (what I perceive to be) very passive. She doesn't seem to ever want it, initiate it, actively do anything (not sure how else to describe this), but does seem to / say that she enjoys it and feeling close. So, I am definitely not saying she doesn't enjoy it while we are doing it, just that her view of it (on the whole) is that she doesn't get anything from it - she says that her body doesn't physically get any pleasure from it, can't orgasm anymore.

I'm just thinking of him in his sexy pants!
Could you show us a picture? Lol made me chuckle.

3 times is a lot! I should think he would be quite happy with that.
Do you think he’s a little addicted to sex?

With my ex I used to make period last a couple of days longer, I jumped for joy if period was at Christmas or birthday, now that was the best present. I hated being pestered for sex.

Hi all I'm still here and thank you for the replies!

I'm having a mare with my phone it's over heating and not charging properly. I will be back later on, on the laptop.

So by her own admission she gets no pleasure from sex with you. yet you continue to have sex with her @rhyminsimon

I used to think I hated sex and was unable to orgasm @rhyminsimon but realised this was very far from the truth once I'd left my husband. I'm not sure what your post aimed to add to the discussion. But either confine a sexless marriage with your wife or leave and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Don't coerce your wife into sex she doesn't want to have.

This is a very very common problem and usually ends one of two ways.

Woman end up doing it just for a quiet life.. leading to resentment.. associating sex as an unpleasant annoying thing.

Man feels rejected (justifiably or not - some couples on here talk of years without sex, some like you have a more than 'normal' amount and yet one partner feels hard done by) .. this is how affairs begin. Babies and young child rearing is a very very dangerous time for relationships. Of course it isn't right. It requires the man to have a degree of emotional intelligence that sadly most are missing. Many men simply can't get their heads around the fact that the woman has stopped focussing on partner and now pours her attention into the child. The classic 'my wife isn't interested in me anymore ' line - trotted out to the OW... the OW naturally supplies ALL the attention/sex that he feels he is missing.

Some women are so completely child-focussed that they don't even WANT a partner interfering with their 'new love' .and genuinely DO want them to just go away and earn money for the family.. which certainly doesn't sound like you OP.

There is only one cure before these scenarios play themselves out.. and that is CONSTANT communication.

@notcoolmum - think I've made it clear that a) I am not continuing to have sex with her. Twice in perhaps eight months and neither when she was actually unwilling.

Amazed you manage as much as you do. We have a 5 month old baby and probably manage once every fortnight, sometimes less.

It sounds like the sex in the relationship is all about him and his needs. It's not very romantic but I think agreeing a more realistic target might help. If he knows you're up for 3 times per week but no more and absolutely not 7, he might stop pestering as much. (Of course in an ideal world he shouldn't pester at all but relationships are complex and not everyone wants to throw away an otherwise good husband at the drop of a hat. Just read the online dating thread... If you really want to stay with him I think a practical arrangement is best)

But tell him if he wears the pants again you'll have to cut it to once a week so that you can spend the other 6 days recovering from the horror.

@rhyminsimon I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You can hardly be called a sex pest and you seem to respect your wife's lower sex drive for the most part- there is nothing wrong with asking if she fancies it once every 6 months. She could very well have said no.

I do however think it might help to talk about each of your needs openly if things are to work, or get some counselling if you don't feel you can communicate it well alone.

You might need to separate, or there might be things you can do to increase her sex drive.

@notcoolmum i can only go on what she tells me, that after giving birth on many occasions she no longer feels any sensation in her lower female parts. Whether it's truly mind or body I don't know but she's not ever wanted to talk to me or see any doctor or therapist about it. We're all different, so am pleased for you that you were able to regain pleasure from sex again. Maybe my wife would but leaving me isn't afaik anything she would want to do to find out.

@LunaNorth

I’m fascinated by the sexy underwear.

I can’t think of a single item that wouldn’t make my vagina hermetically seal itself shut and crawl up my body cavity.

He sounds awful, sorry.

Crying with laughter ...

the emotional blackmail and then being raped in my sleep

@Notcoolmum So sorry you went through this. One of my exes used to do the blackmail, strops and sleep thing. He claimed his ex liked it so it was ok. But we'd had no discussion about it so I hadn't said it was ok at all/didn't consent. Think he did it a few times, IDK if I said anything after time #1 but I wasn't impressed. He would shag me when I was really drunk too.

I used to call the sex 'anti-sex' as it was so unappealing, but it took me a fair while to realise some of it was rape.

@fucknuckle What an arsehole. So glad you are free. xxx

So by her own admission she gets no pleasure from sex with you. yet you continue to have sex with her

@rhyminsimon PP is right on the money. Just because she says it's ok doesn't make it so. I don't think many women in a long marriage would feel they could say to their husbands that they really don't like it, unfortunately. I was in this situation with the partner I mentioned above, and honestly I would've been happy for him to shag someone else to get him off my back (I wouldn'tve been happy with him doing it behind my back though.)

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel This whole thread is such a turn off.

There is only one cure before these scenarios play themselves out.. and that is CONSTANT communication.

I don't know. If the woman says 'I'm too knackered with the baby for now' and the bloke says 'fair enough' and backs off, then that would be the problem solved in that situation. But if the bloke 'communicates' that he wants more sex and the wife isn't in the mood, the main solutions (bit groggy so can't think of anything more subtle) are for him to STFU (bliss) or the wife to have some sexual activity she doesn't want. Which I know some people/magazines etc think women 'should' do. But I don't think we should have to do that.

Oh God I feel I need to lie down reading about having 2 toddlers and being expected to have sex more than twice a week. And in the afternoon when they are awake! Strewth. His going on about it is such a turn off, maybe you should tell him that?

Hands down bras and hard on pushing against you - please tell your partners right now to stop it. Bloody hell.

Thank you @SoulofanAggron I'm so sorry you have gone through these things too. I told my ex after the first time that I didn't want it to happen again. He would feign being asleep, not being aware of what he was doing. I used to be scared to go to bed.

No woman should feel forced or coerced to have sex she doesn't want. And I find it hard to understand how a man could find sex pleasurable knowing his partner isn't enjoying it. And just because it's only a few times a year doesn't make it right.

By the end my ex made my skin crawl. I had been told I was frigid. I was lucky he still loved me and found me attractive. And I used to dread going to my own bed.

Communication is definitely key. But there needs to be an understanding that sex is not a right or an expectation. There might be a compromise but not one that means you feel forced or coerced into sex. Ever.

The only communication with a sex pest is no. End of.
There is no compromise. There is respect or there is nothing.

His sex drive isn't the problem. I am a 38 year old woman with the same sex drive as him. It is how he is going about it. My DH has a lower one and i just accept that without sulking about it. He is a sex pest.

The only communication with a sex pest is no. End of.

@Aerial2020 Good point. I blocked one on everything after he'd convinced me he was one of my best friends/'F'WB. So happy not to have to put up with it anymore!

@CorrectileDysfunction - thx - yes, better communication is what's needed, and I can understand completely if someone doesnt want sex that its off limits. Am just trying to deal with it stoically and not feel rejected. Feels wrong for this to be the reason to end our relationship - classic bad guy stuff - but I am definitely unhappy about not having sex, it makes me feel unloved and unwanted. Don't feel i could cheat on her, nor even try, but feel perhaps somewhat emasculated (in some ways) and denied the intimacy of a special relationship. It's probably very common but I want to be one of those people who find a way to solve it. Perhaps I will see if my wife will undergo some counselling or be honest about how she feels about me and not just want to stay together to avoid the fear of being separated. Am definitely keen that we talk about it.

@LunaNorth

The pants! My labia have tied themselves into a reef knot.

OP, you deserve some sort of award for being kind enough not to laugh him out of the town bedroom.

I have just woken DP up by laughing so loud at this

@fucknuckle

he made me feel like a hole way of putting it!!! but I’m also for you!

You Dodged a bullet.

If this is really the only major issue between you I think you should seek couples sex therapy OP. Couch it in the terms of you wanting to improve your desire if he's reluctant but I'm pretty confident the therapist would agree that 3 times a week is more than adequate and he'll be shown how his attempts to lure you are actually having the opposite effect. It may seem an unnecessary cost but this is your life, happiness, marriage. This problem could well lead to him being unfaithful so I think it's something you should take seriously. It matters.