Sex has become a chore with DH..

[PJDN]

I have a much lower sex drive than DH and his is very high. I might like it once or twice a week (possibly 3 times some weeks) whereas he would like it daily and preferably multiple times within that 24 hour window.

We have toddlers so that isn't possible (or wanted by me)

I've not been in 'the' mood for the past five or so days as I have felt stressed with other pressing matters. I said to him that we could have sex today if I don't start my period (it's always between 21st and 24th every month)

When he left for work last night he text me saying "you've shown no interest all week now when you do you're going to come on lol"

He has also made comments about how he's disappointed I don't give him oral sex anymore despite knowing full well why I can't. I have acute TMD requiring an operation and I'm on strong medication daily to control the pain. I just can't use my mouth in that way now.

He came home from work this morning, showered and put on his 'sexy' underwear for bed which he does when he wants sex. He likes me to wake him up by joining him in bed iykwim. God knows how he thinks that's feasible with children awake in the afternoon but there we are.

As the day has gone on I'm getting the pre menstrual cramps, anxiety and feeling generally unwell as I always do before it starts so it looks like sex is now off the menu unless I have sex I don't want (which I won't be doing)

He's going to be disappointed and sexually frustrated which will then bug me as I don't understand why he can't just masturbate instead. He treats sex as though it's like oxygen, he needs it day in bloody day out.

As you can probably tell I'm just fed up of the sex expectations and mismatched drives and I don't like how it makes me feel inadequate when I have a perfectly normal sex drive (to most people)

It has become a chore and so repetitive that I no longer look forward to it.

Are we doomed?

Oh bless. I hope you are aware that your sex drive is perfectly ok, if not more than ok for a woman who has small children, or any woman for that matter. He has a high sex drive, one that I'm not sure is going to go down any time soon.

I hate to say it, but you might need to start thinking of a separation. Sounds over the top, but I've seen so many people waste decades with either a partner who expected sex all the time, or feeling incredibly unloved and rejected because their partner didn't't want sex as much as they did. If he wanted sex every other day or so, the gap wouldn't be so huge, but the facts that he wants it every day, even multiple times means it's a large gap.

@PJDN

Thank you for these replies. It's a breath of fresh air being told it's not my sex drive that's the problem! Not that he says it is, but it's how I feel as a result of the constant sex obsession.

RE the pants.. things like black mesh boxers that you can see through. Boxers with a faux leather part over the pouch. Boxers that have straps at the sides exposing his hips.

It's all very cringe I know

Omg op. How could you take that seriously?! Have you ever asked him why he bought them and why you would think they were sexy when they are like something out of a gay bondage catalogue 😂

@BumholeJ I can’t I see that image now👀
OP I think three times a weeks to have sex is a lot. I can’t imagine having to have sex every day!! I feel for you. Hope you can get his sex pest-ness sorted.

Jeez I feel for my hubby how, we can go weeks and I know he wants it but he doesn't make a fuss if I say no. I also have a wee boy and I'm knackered

Alison I remember your previous thread now .I am glad you are feeling better ,however this is not the 50s where women were supposed to do all the housework ,look after babe ,and be a sexy hot Momma in bed every night! Take it easy ,tell him to do the hoovering or whatever and see about a Slow Cooker and some sarnies for lunch! What is wrong with some of these guys seriously!

Don't think we have ever had sex as many times as 3 per week in my whole marriage, op, so don't feel yours is low so to speak.

The pants! My labia have tied themselves into a reef knot.

OP, you deserve some sort of award for being kind enough not to laugh him out of the town bedroom.

Oh please don't fall for the sex equals intimacy and love and all is well with the relationship. A bloody cuddle does that. Sometimes much more fulfilling than sex and can be more intimate ime.

I can't get over him wanting daytime sex with toddlers running around.

Time to tell him how things really are for you, what is making you not want any sex and what might make it more likely to happen.

Do you find that you can't give him a cuddle without him thinking it's leading to sex? Or if he cuddles you, you shrug him off because you know where he wants it to lead? I experienced this but after him moaning at me about pushing him away I explained this too him, now things are much better. We can just have a cuddle but we can also have a cuddle in bed where it does lead on to more, just not every time!! I hated that we couldn't show any affection towards one another without him thinking we were going to get straight down to it.

Oh my dh was exactly the same. Wanted it minimum twice a day, every day, and 3 times a day on weekends. This was when he was mid 20s and I was 19. Apparently he spilt with his ex because she ended up totally unable to deal with his mega sex drive. I don't have an initial sex drive - I never have. But at first it was great to make him happy, and sometimes I could cum too if I felt eventually turned on. But after a few months I was constantly sore down there, tired from him deciding he wanted it at midnight and then 6am etc. I started to beg for a rest. He wrote me a looong letter about how he felt like I didn't love him anymore, that if I loved him, wouldn't I want sex with him?? I was so confused. Anyway. It became a huge issue for years, things became fucked up, we almost separated over a huge host of issues. As the years went by, his drive has lessened and as he's matured he understands now I can't just shag all the bloody time. We have young kids. It's exhausting. He still wanks at least every other day and I try and give it to him at least once a week but I'm so grateful he's not the same. I would've left him years ago if he's remained that three times a day guy.

He's mid 40s now. It's insane your dh is still the way he is. It must be so utterly stressful, and offputting, for you. The fact he cannot understand the expectation for you to provide your hole for him is completely a turn off is worrying, because he's likely to not change this immature viewpoint any time soon.

@Horehound

Jeez I feel for my hubby how, we can go weeks and I know he wants it but he doesn't make a fuss if I say no. I also have a wee boy and I'm knackered

we've an 8 year old and a toddler- 3 times a month is a good month for us!

I still have to fight off his groping hands shoving themselves down my bra, but it's better at least than it used to be. I still hate that I have to sleep on my back though because if he stirs in the morning and I'm on my side he'll start rubbing that bloody twitching hardon on my backside at 6am and I fucking loathe feeling that thing twitching against me when I'm tired and just want to sleep.

I think my hymen just magically repaired itself - ‘sexy underwear’ and the expectation of sex - bleurgh, I feel for you OP. Can you communicate with him at all about this?

Is he an animal because he is behaving like one and seems to have no normal human empathy or compassion for you - the oral sex thing.
Its all about him, him, him.
He is a nasty selfish and immature baby who doesn't seem to understand that he is a father now and the children come first.
I'd LTB and good riddance.

You realise he is competing with your children for attention and for a grown man that is absolutely pathetic. He had better thank God he is no my husband - it would not end well at all. For him.

Oh god I had one of these. It killed the relationship for me because I was always on edge, keeping a mental count of how many days it was since we last had sex and then feeling horrible pressure when it had got up to about 5 days that he would engineer it in some way that I couldn't get out of - DC asleep in bed or at PILs (DC not us).

I did tell him it made me feel like nothing more than a way of getting his rocks off - emboldened by reading similar stories on her actually). I didn't feel pleased he fancied me, because it didn't feel like that, it was more a service to him.

He did back off but the passive aggressive sulking made the chances of me actually wanting to have sex with him increasingly low.

Then early menopause hit and...end of relationship (there were other reasons in his defence).

So not much help OP, we were totally mismatched in our sex drives and it just didn't work long-term (15 years plus).

@Aerial2020

Not the Aspergers comment again Ffs, I wont go into it again when people drop this in so casually in threads but really OP, that is bull. Look up sexual coercion and stop looking at excuses for him.

Dear god, YES! This! My son has Asperger's. It's not an excuse to act like a sex pest. STOP making excuses for this. I warned my daughter off these guys who have a 'high sex drive' and 'need' it multiple times a day. Haven't met a single one who isn't a weapons grade bastard.

Sounds like sex is almost like a chore to you and I can see why. He must be so draining with his immature neediness. That text would have pissed me off big style.

RE the pants.. things like black mesh boxers that you can see through. Boxers with a faux leather part over the pouch. Boxers that have straps at the sides exposing his hips. It's all very cringe I know

Ewwwwwww! Yep, as PP's say, sounds gay. Not that there's anything wrong with gay men getting off on that, but it wouldn't be something that'd appeal to most straight women. Have you said to him that they're a turn off? I know what it's like to not feel able to say how you feel when it comes to sex, when the other person makes you feel pressured.

it means that every other day there's then an expectation that I'll facilitate his orgasm by some means or other. I'm actually relieved when I get my period because it means I've a few days knowing I don't have it hanging over me and I can just go to bed and go to sleep. My DH's equivalent of "sexy pants" is to take his glasses off as soon as he gets into bed.

@Fortheloveofscience Never, ever again. I've suffered enough from men. There's a whole world of peace, relaxation, and freedom from this stuff out there. I'd recommend.

He wrote me a looong letter about how he felt like I didn't love him anymore, that if I loved him, wouldn't I want sex with him??

@YouJustDoYou That's so manipulative.

I still have to fight off his groping hands shoving themselves down my bra

That's sexual assault.

if he stirs in the morning and I'm on my side he'll start rubbing that bloody twitching hardon on my backside at 6am and I fucking loathe feeling that thing twitching against me when I'm tired and just want to sleep.

Ewwwww.

I'm gobsmacked you can manage 3 times a week, to be honest!

Reading this post and wanted to give another perspective. Am now early 50s and have three kids, all teenagers. Still feel in many ways like a teenager - young at heart and in mind, and for better or for worse, still have what I suppose could be considered a high sex drive - by which I mean that if I have not had sex in a week, month, three months, on any given night I might still be hopeful that we might make time for it. My partner and I used to have sex pretty often, but in recent years - the last 5 to 10 years - it has slowed right down. This year, we have only had sex twice to date. Once, just after New Year on holiday, and once about six weeks ago, and which was not very enjoyable because she displayed no real interest - literally, lay there, though this is her usual passive way of participating, so was not so unusual in itself, but which made me feel I was just 'using' her body and which affected my performance (ahem). I have in the past tried to talk to her about her lack of interest in sex and I understand that she is often too tired, or in some way thinking about work in some way. It frustrates me (sexually, of course) but also mentally that she appears unwilling to either talk about it (I try and raise the subject in daytime, rather than in bed at night) and that the closest to any kind of discussion she will have about it is saying, she just doesn't enjoy it anymore. I try and be understanding, hence have not asked 'can we make love / have sex' at all this calendar year, apart from the one time a month or so ago, when she agreed. I was interested to see the earlier comments made about other people's husbands that they had an immature attitude to sex in that they saw it as being important for feeling close, feeling loved, feeling there was a connection - because, in some ways, I will admit that this is how I feel too. Thinking about these comments I can see that IF this is the case, and that I am immature in this way AND given that I am capable of thinking and behaving maturely too, then what should my attitude to sex be? Just that we have it whenever she wants it - which is NEVER - even when she was a willing participant and even wanting it, she would never initiate things in any way, and so, if I NEVER mention it, or ask about it, then I fear we will never have sex again. We get on well on the whole - we support each other with the everyday things in life, we have some common interests that we share, and give each other space to pursue our own interests, and we have shared interest of course in our children and their progress. I feel we both want to spend the rest of our lives together - but sometimes I find myself wondering if we should separate. Whether my ongoing desire to receive some physical attention - and to give some physical devotion too - is immature or otherwise, to me, I want romantic interest in my life, and to have someone who I desire, and who desires me. I would like that to be my wife, and though I am (I expect) capable of living without sex, I would prefer not to. I completely understand her pov of not enjoying it anymore and want to sometimes say (but think better of it!) 'well I don't enjoy doing xyz or abc, but I do it' and the reason I don't say it, is because sex is not the same as household chores etc of course). I also realise that the less I ask her about it, the less pressure she will feel about it, hence really not mentioning it for months and months on end. By all means, slag me off here for my attitude or expectations, it may be usefully corrective if my viewpoint is abhorrent to others, or I need to re-steer my thoughts, but would also welcome some comments or feedback from others.

Yuk. My ex husband was like this. I recognise the twitch against the back. Listening to him masturbate in bed. Withholding all intimacy as it was expected to lead to sec. the emotional blackmail and then being raped in my sleep. If he can't respect your right to say no; he doesnt respect you as a person.

You continue to have sex with your wife @rhyminsimon whilst she lies there passively not enjoying it? Yes to me that is abhorrent.

I have massive Ick at this

3x per week with small kids is a lot.