Anyone else find that trying to divorce an abusive husband is hard HARD work!

[Fightingback16]

I’m getting absolutely fed up with it all now. I just want to be free of this bastard but he is clinging on, dragging it on and on. It’s not bloody fair that the legal system allows them to do this. I’m fuming and I’ve wasted so much money. He’s happy for us both to completely waste everything we have spend years saving!

[crunchiebabe]

Sometimes they get away with providing an incomplete Form E , other times they don't , it's luck of the draw as to how seriously it's taken. He doesn't sound like a man who will comply or compromise ... you go in hard and emphasise the issue of costs, that he is deliberately hampering / delaying the finances and has no respect for legal process. Keep emphasising costs , hopefully someone will hear what you are saying. My ex was the same .. I fought hard and he got told off by the judge for costs incurred because of his sheer pig headedness. Mine said I could have the house if I allowed him to see the children freely ... never mind the very real safeguarding risk he presents ( a risk recognised by the courts) in return for the house, shameful how they barter in this way, I got the house and the kids ! Fight , fight and fight the bastard some more

[Fightingback16]

Incomplete...I don’t think he will send anything.
I’m ready to fight. They say there is no courage without fear and I have plenty of that. It’s just the money, I can’t afford to pay a solicitor for much more. I’ve done as much as I can myself but if he keeps delaying it I won’t be able to afford to. I never thought it possible to hate someone so much!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

He will make you waste your money. Do you have anything in writing where he says it intimates that? Because he is wasting the court time and your costs.

He knows you are nearly out of money. It's his strategy, so you will have to play very hard and dirty.

[Fightingback16]

Yes I think I have some messages where he says he will make me suffer. There is a safe in the family time with lots of cash in, well there used to be. I feel like going over and smashing it off the wall!

[crunchiebabe]

If he leaves it blank it could and should go against him ...
The starting point is always 50/50 split, however this percentage will be in your favour because of the children.
Can you attend the hearing without representation and make your concerns known to the court at that stage ?

[Fightingback16]

I’m trying not to get stressed because I have a 4 year old to take care of but I am getting stressed. It’s just not fair!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Don't get stressed get even! Think. What can you do??? If you were as underhand and ruthless as he is what could you do???

[Fightingback16]

Run him over...jokes!

[Fightingback16]

Rent a really large Scary man and move back home. He has always said he is of no danger to me and I can go back at anytime! That would be bloody great!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@Fightingback16

Rent a really large Scary man and move back home. He has always said he is of no danger to me and I can go back at anytime! That would be bloody great!

That isn't a bad idea at all! Bullies are cowards and you know a big, tough man will scare him into behaving. After all he can hold it together around other men and people who have power over him, can't he?

You turn up with TWO very large bodyguards, say surprise honey I'm home, in you go snd all set up camp. You'll all be in there a few days with one guarding him keeping an eye on him at all times and you can find the paperwork you need. They are your 'friends' and you are all staying there. You are 'thinking about reconciling' and 'picking up a few personal bits and bobs'. Nothing to see here officer. That's if he is allowed near a phone.

You get your proof and then you sit down, the 4 of you, and have a chat about what paperwork needs to be signed.

Why not?

[Fightingback16]

Sometimes I find myself being rather pathetic. In my memories when I was abused by him I really was pathetic. Falling to the ground so easily and giving up. I feel this helplessness now and I don’t like it. I dream about him getting me and I don’t want him having that over me because I hate him!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

You won't be pathetic when the score is evened. Part of a fear response can be to freeze. Sometimes it can save your life. But you have to know when to bring in additional resource and to not feel guilty about doing it.

[Fightingback16]

He really is a small fatish man 5’7”.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

You won't be pathetic when you have two massive great South African bouncers standing either side of you. Find two (they like to work in pairs) who fucking hate abusers. We have had them on our door for parties (total overkill!) and they are HUGE.

Bailiffs/ex bailiffs are good too. They know the law..

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Ha. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel. Little fucker. He deserves to fear for his life, literally.

[Fightingback16]

This is the thing that gets me. Did I freeze too easily, is he as dangerous as I give him credit!!! I freeze because of childhood trauma so I don’t know how to gauge him, obviously I was terrified. He had something over me he used as shame, he had many avenues really. But is he capable of the threats....I don’t know, i always flopped.

[Fightingback16]

He pushed me once into the wall at the beginning and threw many things at the wall and punched walls, all at the beginning. From then on I just fell down. He threatened if I carried on he’d do something he’d regret but didn’t do it because I stopped instantly.

[Fightingback16]

He does have a violent past though in his home country and a record. Found out afterwards and shit loads of scars up his arm... I tell you I don’t know what I saw in him!

[Mollyboom]

If he is not complying with directions and or court hearings then has your solicitor mentioned applying for a wasted costs order against him? You may be able to get your costs from him in respect of unecessary hearings caused by his behaviour

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I don't think you should have escalated, fwiw. A small man is still a lot stronger and unless you are a skilled fighter or have a weapon you can't win.

That's why you have to have a way to intimidate him. He's not going to be reasoned with, it feel sorry for you, or get sick of fighting, or decide to do the decent thing. He is dangerous and gets pleasure from your fear. He will stop at nothing to prove that he has the power.

I've said it before. With these you only get one shot so you shoot to kill. Metaphorically of course.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

He would also rather be broke than allow you to walk away with anything. So in his mind he has nothing to lose. Those are the worst of sll.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Once, many many years ago a friend, her sister, and I were staying at her husbands beach house. He wasn't there but his friend was snd he was unbearable. Just vile. Followed us around the whole time, Harassing etc.

Several days in we cracked and one boozy night we crushed up a Valium she had snd put it in his drink. After about 30 mins he just dropped like a bag of spuds onto the sofa and that was that! He left the next day funnily enough. He never said anything b snd he was so drunk he may not have even realised.

Terrible thing to do, but no one died, we were safe, the world didn't end and he was fine. Great to have him out of the way though!!!

[Fightingback16]

I cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush once at the end, the really dirty stuck on pop areas at the bottom. I also broke into the safe and stole mine and my daughters passports and birth certificates whilst he was in the shower before I left. Also took £200 to pay for my will so if I died my daughter got my share!

[Fightingback16]

Absolutely shat myself!

[NeedToKnow101]

I have a sibling relationship with inheritance ties to be sorted out, which is playing out similarly to an abusive relationship. It feels like it will go on forever. It is crazy-making, frustrating, and makes me feel like self-harming. I feel powerless as I know whatever I do or say, there will be a comeback and obstacles to getting it sorted. I feel your pain.