Anyone else find that trying to divorce an abusive husband is hard HARD work!

[Fightingback16]

I’m getting absolutely fed up with it all now. I just want to be free of this bastard but he is clinging on, dragging it on and on. It’s not bloody fair that the legal system allows them to do this. I’m fuming and I’ve wasted so much money. He’s happy for us both to completely waste everything we have spend years saving!

[Whathewhatnow]

If you can find a solicitor with real understanding of DV and (just sayin ...) cluster B personality disorders I think that would be good. Bung it on a credit card if you have to. Or sell all the expensive things such as the designer goods and the presents as you suggested.

[Fightingback16]

I know he is pissed off because he had to spend money on me and us to keep me from leaving. He used it against me saying he paid for this and that and that I owed him for the life we have..even though I paid in all my salary also. He was willing to spend money to keep up the facade of our relationship because I think he knew I hated him way before I realised I did. Now he is gutted he spent money and I left. It was really sick, never thought this kind of sickness existed.

[Fightingback16]

He received money from a will and left that off the Form that’s what I meant by inheritance. He has left the money in another country, I wasn’t going to ask him to include it but as he is being a dick now and I have proof that’s going to be brought up also. Dealing with money like this feels really shit.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

You mean gifts he got his daughter? Hell yeah!

Also your solicitor needs to go for a non molestation order.

So you need to look at half of what you can take that is within the realms of fairness, that can be proved. So his inheritance is probably not that but if he's disposed of assets and money and that is made up for by half the inheritance then it has to be. It's his own fault for being such a prick.

He's obviously crazy but equally crazy and mean doesn't entitle him to leave his own child with nothing (apart from stupid gifts which is fuck all use when she's got no where to live). And totally do blackmail him!

This is all going through solicitors so if he comes anywhere near you then you call the police. There's records of why he's doing it and you can press charges and get him out.

At this point in time you can not placate him or mitigate what he will do. You go for everything and then you negotiate back.

And there's probably someone you can phone to say he's lost the plot and is a danger to himself and others.

[Fightingback16]

I want to go for him believe be but I think he is f**d up in the head what with his weird poems and the mountain of alcohol bottles in the bin outside the house I am scared he will snap and come for me. I hope he implodes somewhere else but those picture of the inside of the safe and his inheritance he has missed off that he warned me to stay away from might be a step too far.

[Fightingback16]

Can I sell the stupidly expensive gifts he has sent her that are in my garage never been open. I was advised not to give them to her because it’s all part of his plan but wasn’t sure what to do with them?

[Vodkacranberryplease]

If you give into 'it's not me' now in a year you will be so angry with yourself for being such a doormat. And you will be doing your DC a grave disservice. You haven't got the moral high ground here - you are just getting walked all over. Being a victim doesn't make you a nicer person it just means you didn't want to be uncomfortable and do anything scary. A as nd you will be resentful and angry and that will come out one way or another, no doubt with the wrong people.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

You HAVE to blackmail him. You have to use whatever you have and go for his jugular. NOW. Stop messing around nick some stuff from the house to sell on eBay and ring your solicitor and tell her to go for it and to rip him to pieces.

It's you or him. Pick one.

[Fightingback16]

I have changed once already. The one I have does come recommend but I can’t really afford much so I’m trying to do as much myself as I can. Now that she has his form she has said we can start getting tough with him. I’m personally very apprehensive about the whole thing. I don’t feel great blackmailing etc as it’s not me but I realise I need too. I’ve spent a long time appeasing this man so it feels wrong going against this. But I will.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

Why haven't you changed divorce lawyers?

I did, mid divorce. And the one I sacked off wasn't anywhere near as incompetent, lazy and unsupportive as yours. We just didn't gel.

Your divorce lawyer should be 100% on your side. Yes of course that includes being realistic; but yours sounds useless.

[Fightingback16]

No one gives a shit. My lawyer has said in not so many words if he does decide to come and whack me then it would work in my favour because coercive control is hard to prove. Bloody great!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I don't know what you did with the police, but you have children, are at your mums and he is dragging the court case out and refusing to cooperate. You have evidence of hiding money and tax evasion and evidence that he's not in the house full time and he's turned it into a shithole.

There must be something you can do. There has to be. A solicitor who simply tells you what you can't do without thinking of things you can do is no use, and a solicitor that follows the rules to the letter is no use.

[Fightingback16]

She has told me that I would loose an occupation order because of the time I was out of the house. Two different lawyers told me the same thing. I delayed it too long because of my symptoms of c-PTSD at the time where horrendous.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

So if you have proof of DV I don't understand why your lawyer didn't apply for an occupation order. A good one would have got this. And yes if you are pressing for DV there is an element of having to be careful.

But why the fuck doesn't your lawyer have this covered? You have all of this evidence of shifty dealings etc. What the fuck are they waiting for?

[Fightingback16]

Oh I dream of him getting into trouble and I don’t know how he has managed not to so far. He was asked to leave 2 jobs whilst I was with him due to threatening behaviour to women staff. I think he is probably too clever now as it would mean game over for him.

I sit here and write these things and I don’t know why I stayed with him...well I do now but I can’t believe the reality he had me living in.

[sashh]

He does have a violent past though in his home country and a record.

And that is your power source.

He can try to 'take you down' with him but you have (IMHO) a strong defence of spousal coercion (if it happened pre 2014) or duress now.

Each day that passes with him ignoring you or your solicitor or delaying is another little bit of that power.

I'm not going to say tell him, I'm not legally qualified and don't know your situation but if he gets a criminal conviction he should be deported, married or not.

Oh and Wats App and Snapchat messages can be recovered. So if you were to report him you have evidence...

[Fightingback16]

I was just thinking re is high valuation, perhaps I should ask him to pay me out using his valuations, then I’d get more!

Can I email the estate agent and ask why when the valuations were done 1 month apart they are so different? The guy that came to see me had a pack with house prices in the same area and based my valuations on those....surely they would have the same pick for my husband so I don’t know unless H asked for them to be high and they agreed!

[tootyfruitypickle]

I was in this situation a couple of years ago. What changed it was

1. Finding a solicitor who understood that he wasn’t going to be persuaded to cooperate
   
2. Warning him we would apply for contempt of court (and being willing to follow through)
   
3. Ensuring solicitor takes credit card and getting an interest free one. I spent £10k on it, nearly paid off now .
   

Not rtft so sorry if repeating but this was my way out. 100pc worth it too.

[Rammingspeed]

Do you need the financials done before you can apply for the Absolute? My ex husband went against the advice and was awarded the Absolute without the financials being done due to him delaying. They are still not done. ££££s wasted with no end in sight.

[Fightingback16]

The divorce is going through without his input as I have my nisi and could apply for the decree now but I need my money out of the house or the house. I put a lot out money into it and I feel like the biggest fool now. I feel like doing something stupid because I want him out. I hate this man!

[Ibizafun]

I was in your position once op. My parents wasted their savings on my solicitor only for him to string it out. In hindsight I should have just stopped and waited till it suited HIM to divorce. They could have used that money now.

[Fightingback16]

So after 17 months can I just say fuck it go in and change the locks even though I haven’t lived in it now for so long. I hate to put my daughter through it because it will get messy as he has no family or friends and nowhere to go.

[Fightingback16]

I think if it was just me I would move back and make his life shit by moving in a man but I can’t put my daughter through that, he can’t have access to her.

[PicsInRed]

I just changed the locks and didn't tell anyone.

If he tried to gain entry not that I'd know he'd have proved my point, wouldn't he? So he never said anything of course, and I slept easier. 😂

[Fightingback16]

I bet the court system gets fed up of hearing domestic disputes!