Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Time to let rip then!!!

OMG just start using his car all the time or take all your car keys and refuse to let him use it.

Still being financially abusive when supposedly wanting to work it out with you!!!!

Goof luck OP, keep going!

I have one like that too - controlling, manipulative & now going for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

Men like these are c*nts

Diarise, diarise, diarise!!! Especially about shit like this and mythical budgets.

Would it be possible to not let him have your car keys, and make him use his own car, OP? Why on earth should he use your fuel? Horrid man. You did well to keep a lid on it, not sure I could've.

Oh. My.

Today's therapy session was quite something.

The counsellors FACE when he told her what his proposal was!

He still doesn't understand why. She said I was being very clear about the fact that I'm not in love with him any more. And that he needs to listen to what I'm telling him.

He banged on and on about how it would be the best thing for the children, how divorce would ruin us financially, how I have no idea what's coming, that he might as well just disappear, that he's really angry and that everything is fine and that we can work through this and get the romance back.

By the end of the session I was exhausted. He's gone off in a strop muttering about renting a flat. She managed to get us to the point where he will talk to me about separating, setting up two separate houses and just having some time apart. That we will need to sell the house to fund it.

I said all my piece. Also said that I felt I was being steamrollered and manipulated and blackmailed. He accused me of being depressed and actually this is all about my relationship with my mother. That actually is what is going on is that I'm having a mid life crisis. That he should cut down his hours to 25 a week (hahahahahaha) so that he can focus on the children and giving me a break. That everyone is mentally exhausted right now and he doesn't know what is going on with me but that I need to just chill out and breathe.

I questioned how, if he got a flat in Big City to go with his Big Job, then how would he do 50% childcare. He was all 'I don't KNOW', the teenager. She said that if we got two houses near to each other then the kids could go back and forth and we could have 50/50.

He said that he couldn't cope with the pain. Now he's gone off to do a conference call. He reappeared after the school run to tell me that he is being pulled in SOOOO many different directions that he's now going to have to take on yet more work. Le sigh.

Is it too early for a glass of wine?

He's ostentatiously put his card next to my car keys - I'm hoping that means he's intending to fill it up!

Is this what he's always done, promised xyz but never delivers??

I would question how honest/impartial he was about his first marriage and not seeing the DC? Perhaps he never actually stepped up there either?

He is already doing a U turn on actually parenting them isn't he? He will make out it's your fault for needing more money etc but it's just bullshit.

Oh hahaha..hes actually not very good at this is he? Firstly all of the obvious 'well I think Ill give work up & be a house husband & you can support me' (this is his crap about not being able to keep working, curting down his hours etc). And in the next breath its all him renting a flat (with the children going where?) & being not able to do 50/50 & now he has to work extra.

I think that quite simply he doesnt want to be responsible for the children. If you live apart & he has 50% of the custody then for 50% of the time he literally has to do EVERYTHING. And he doesnt want that. His own housework AND children? Surely not!

But if hes not 50/50 then he has to pay maintenance! My bet is that he will do EOW as weekends dont interfere with work. He will live near work & moan non stop about how you forced him into a tiny flat & hes working his arse off to support you. Completely forgetting you are working & doing full time care of young children getting only every second weekend to yourself. Which essentially means you are a single mum without a life.

So unless you want to be paid a pittance by him to do this full time youll have to be clever about it. Since it appears that hes keen to manipulate the children then you can do the same - explaining how Daddy is going to live near Mummy & they will stay with him two nights a week & he will take them to school three days. Obviously because they are children its crucial they have structure so he has to choose the same two nights.

Keep diarising... He's such a shit. (And a stupid one.). Whatever did you see in him?

Starting to wonder the same thing @justilou1

He keeps making all these patronising mansplaining comments about not being able to manage on my own - err, hello? I was doing just fine when I met him!

He brought me tea in bed this morning. And announced we have to talk. He’s destroyed. Been up half the night. We MUST talk.

God.

Now this could go one of two ways. We’ll either have a screaming row, or he’ll try to bully me into his weird proposal.

I don’t feel ANYTHING. What’s wrong with me?

Also, there’s a village house clearance this weekend. Would I be mad to go and get the fridge and washing machine (for peanuts) and stick them in a friends barn? Can always sell them on. They’re selling beds, tables, everything. I don’t want to jump the gun but it would be very helpful - if I knew what I was going to it would be even more helpful!

I think he’ll do that too @Vodkacranberryplease - and I’ve looked at flats, they’re the same price as a flipping 4 bed house round here! He’s not used to budgeting.

On the plus side, the will to eat has disappeared. Might lose a few pounds 🤣

@RandomMess he does usually follow through. Takes a bit of prodding. If he’s still on his ‘I don’t understand WHY’ then I think I’m going to have to start putting it in terms of stuff he does - he clearly doesn’t understand the concept of love vs being in love. This isn’t the same as his first marriage - he definitely put in the work and spent a fortune trying to get more access. It’s a long story. But I’ve seen the emails and letters and heard the screaming phone calls, even 15 years on (I was nothing to do with any marriage break up)

So he wants to do more with the kids but is also taking on more work? Your counsellor sounds good. He’s not making any sense. I’ve been commenting on your thread but have just name changed.

Stop using word love.

I care about you but the YEARS of your shitty behaviour have eroded the loving feelings.

Refuse to engage in a discussion let him say his bit and that state you have heard and understand his point of view but you aren't changing your mind, it's too late.

OP there's nothing 'wrong' with you at all.

You have reached the end of the line with his shit.

You have turned a corner/ had the scales fall from your eyes etc etc, but basically, you have decided enough is enough !

You are viewing all his (practiced and perfected) 'moves' clinically with your emotions detached, and that's new for you (and him). It's the reason you're finally leaving him instead of silently suffering every day with a man who cannot function in a 'normal' relationship. Unless it's all his way, he can't cope. Tough shit for him.

Do not concern yourself with how he will cope etc, that's his problem to solve, not yours.

I think you should get whatever you might need in the house clearance as it will help you later when you sell the house and get your own place. It will also make everything more 'real' for your H when he sees you moving forward with your plans.

@StuckInPollyannaMode your response should be “we need to talk about the practicalities of selling the house and starting divorce proceedings. That’s all I’m willing to talk about.”

Shut him down. You don’t need to listen to it. You’ve made your mind up.

You’re all right. I need this to be about the process not the reasoning.

He needs to start to respect that, and respect what I’m saying, or he might just find things start happening to my schedule not his.

And if he does get the flat in Big City then I guess it proves that work really does come above family for him and validated my decision.

Have you found a solicitor yet, OP?

I understand (from MN!) that the best way is a personal recommendation but, otherwise, check out family law solicitors via The Law Society website. Speak to a few before you make a decision.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Good luck - and I hope you have a calm weekend. 🌹

What I would say, OP, is that this is also an enormous shock / upheaval for your husband.

Clearly he has played Althea major part in getting to this stage, but you seem to be surprised by his attempts to salvage / make sense / call a halt to the situation.

Of course he's going to try XYZ, promise ABC, veer from over-loving to sad to angry.

He doesn't sound like an ideal partner but you're going to need to be adult about things too as it could easily be quite some time before you're living apart.

I didn't word my post very well - apologies OP.
You are being very adult about it. I just meant you have to expect changing behaviour and be the 'better person' (which you are).

Don’t worry @EinsteinaGogo - I‘ve taken it in the spirit you meant it. I am trying my best to give him time and to be kind. I think the reason I’m so surprised is that I was literally on my knees begging (and telling him that) back in May and June and he just completely ignored me. So he’s been choosing not to hear for a while. If that makes sense.

I think the reason I’m so surprised is that I was literally on my knees begging (and telling him that) back in May and June and he just completely ignored me. So he’s been choosing not to hear for a while.

That's because you did it when he was still in total control, and you 'showed' him he still had control by 'begging' him. It was all from an 'emotional' stance, and he's got years of practice in controlling you when you are 'emotional'.

Now that you are not 'emotional' or 'on your knees begging', he hasn't got a clue how to 'handle' you, so he's floundering around trying various ways to get you 'engaged' in trying to 'save' your marriage, but you're past that now, and are only seeing him for what he is and not what you'd hoped he'd be.

Definitely food for thought @updownroundandround - control is something a lot of my friends have mentioned. It’s very skilful and subtle.

Well. It’s been a difficult weekend.

He says he’s sensing a lot of hostility from me. That he thinks I’m just absolutely exhausted and that I need a break. He wants to try again and work back to being a happy family again.

That he doesn’t know how it would work practically. But that he would stay local and went to look at a new build development about 3 miles away. And that we need to talk about financially how it would work, if I’m determined to go ahead with this.

I don’t earn enough to manage on my own. I earn £1100 a month. So how would it work?

I think I need to get my head around the practicalities of this and what I want.
God. The easy thing to do is to stay.

@Happynow001 I’ve spoken to one, but wasn’t overly impressed as I reflect on our conversation - thanks for the link, I’ll have a look for another one

You get a cheaper home than you have now, even if it's a 2 bed. One cheap to run and maintain.

You get more than 50% of the marital assets - house equity, pensions, savings etc.

You apply for universal credit.

He pays you maintenance.