Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Also, can he not see how fucked up this is for the children? We get to them being 18 and then we’re like hey kids, we’ve been lying to you for 10 years!

Yes, I think it’s manipulation and blackmail and frankly misguided.

What was interesting is that he said it would be better than me having a house here and him having a flat in the next big city (15 miles and a lot of traffic away), which shows that he has been thinking and what he’s thinking is that he’ll go be near the office, not stay near the kids.

Ha.

Of course he will go to live in a city flat. With no room for the kids and far away from their school, friends and activities. Then he can just pop in to see them when his career allows. Maybe you can make him dinner. Perhaps he could bring his laundry as well.

That sounds completely reasonable for a man who is now going to do 50% or Was it 75% of the parenting .

He’s a genius. I can see why he gets paid A Lot of Money in his Important Job.

Consider yourself single for the next 10 years if you go through with this. It’s all very well saying that you can have new relationships if you like, but good luck finding someone who’ll want to be in a relationship with someone who’s still living with their ex with no intention of moving out for ten years

I think you'd be bloody mad to even consider it!!

Give yourself a good shake, read your other thread & stop being manipulated by him!!

I know it's hard, but you're stronger than this!

Your girls need to see you being strong, to have the contact they want with each of you and see you go parenting. NIT living some weird half life, biding your time for 10 years!!

🌷

I am confused @StuckInPollyannaMode
In your previous thread you said you had 2 kids aged 8 and 6, but in this thread you said you had twins aged 7?

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I’m early 40s. Children are 7 (twins). He’s early 50s.

I’m making plans. Practically haunting RightMove 😂

I’m just feel nothing. I’m numb.

See twins aged 7 yet your last thread states 6 and 8.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

That made me laugh so much *@justilou1* - one of my friends has an ex and she refers to him as the sperm donor!

Here is my first thread, if anyone wants to read it.

I'm beyond tired today. He's scaring the shit out of me with all the stuff he's doing round the house - updating the calendar, doing the laundry, taking the kids places and to play dates, buying wellies, labelling school clothes, COOKING FGS. He made a white sauce yesterday. There's a first time for everything. I still carved the chicken mind. He's being very very nice and I think he thinks he's winning me over. He's not, I'm strong and determined.

He also rang and talked at me for 20 minutes yesterday about how he'd failed to do the air in the tyres in his car and was now going to a new petrol station and how did it work and was 50dpi normal and why wouldn't it go up to that and that he needs to go to the garage and when he comes back can I go and look at his tyres as they look normal to him but he thinks he might need new ones so he would go to the garage. I said because it would explode, what it actually says is 35 and psi stands for Pounds per Square Inch, and what you're inflating is a tube inside not the actual rubber tyre. How did he even get to the age of 51 and not know how to increase tyre pressure? Also, is it tyre or tire?!

I haven't told you, but this is a man who doesn't understand clingfilm. I had to get a special clingfilm dispenser from Lakeland cos I got utterly fed up with number of ruined rolls. He also uses the lawn mower like a hoover (lines, for gods sake, LINES) and the other month I caught him using my nice kitchen scissors to do the edges.

SHL in an hour.

Feel free to check previous thread

@GalaxyCookieCrumble people change minor details all the time to avoid being outed. What difference does it make if her kids are 6&8 or 7?

Have you spoken to your DC about what is going on? They must realise things aren't right

Hello, I’m at a complete loss at what to do, I was a stay at home parent for 6 years my partner is director of two large companies and I was also in a financially controlled relationship, constantly being accused of wasting her money and not getting house work done to her standards, I once tried to do some ironing in the Evening and she started shouting at me she could be doing that as she love ironing and I’m stopping her doing, it that was over two years ago and she’s not pick up iron once, I now have a part time job that my partner got me with school hours (so I can still look after the kids as she struggle with them) in her office where she belittles me she’s telling me I’m the worse person she’s every trained (whilst the manager is saying I’m one of the best and they don’t want to lose me) and over the weekend she decided to have a go, screaming at me and for the first time I stood up for myself tried to get our daughter away from her and she punched me in the face in front of both our children (they’re 5 and 6) I shout at her that’s she’s nothing more than an abuser and say I’m worried if she’ll hit me them the children could be next we need to leave the who time I’m trying to get my daughter away from her and she’s pulling at her lots of crying going on from kids, then we both take a moment to settle kids, now she’s made me leave the house which she owns and I’ve had to leave the kids there which doesn’t sit right with me there’s hardly been a day since they’ve been born where I haven’t read them a story and full bedtime routine whilst she’s downstairs on her phone, even though I have a job now I still do nearly all the looking after the kids, all the cleanly, cooking and laundry, I just want to know where I stand as it doesn’t sit right that I should leave I should surely be one to stay and look after the kids as normal, last time I let her put kids to bed she didn’t even brush there teeth from a legal standpoint can I take the kids with me so I know they’re looked after property as my main job and focus for last 7 years has been to raise my kids,

Please help

@How321

Hello, I’m at a complete loss at what to do, I was a stay at home parent for 6 years my partner is director of two large companies and I was also in a financially controlled relationship, constantly being accused of wasting her money and not getting house work done to her standards, I once tried to do some ironing in the Evening and she started shouting at me she could be doing that as she love ironing and I’m stopping her doing, it that was over two years ago and she’s not pick up iron once, I now have a part time job that my partner got me with school hours (so I can still look after the kids as she struggle with them) in her office where she belittles me she’s telling me I’m the worse person she’s every trained (whilst the manager is saying I’m one of the best and they don’t want to lose me) and over the weekend she decided to have a go, screaming at me and for the first time I stood up for myself tried to get our daughter away from her and she punched me in the face in front of both our children (they’re 5 and 6) I shout at her that’s she’s nothing more than an abuser and say I’m worried if she’ll hit me them the children could be next we need to leave the who time I’m trying to get my daughter away from her and she’s pulling at her lots of crying going on from kids, then we both take a moment to settle kids, now she’s made me leave the house which she owns and I’ve had to leave the kids there which doesn’t sit right with me there’s hardly been a day since they’ve been born where I haven’t read them a story and full bedtime routine whilst she’s downstairs on her phone, even though I have a job now I still do nearly all the looking after the kids, all the cleanly, cooking and laundry, I just want to know where I stand as it doesn’t sit right that I should leave I should surely be one to stay and look after the kids as normal, last time I let her put kids to bed she didn’t even brush there teeth from a legal standpoint can I take the kids with me so I know they’re looked after property as my main job and focus for last 7 years has been to raise my kids,

Please help

You might be better starting this as a whole thread of your own so it gets more views.

@How321sorry for what you’re going through. Like a PP said, starting your own thread will probably be easier then you’ll get specific replies to your situation.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble or I’ve got 6 year old triplets. Like @Itsjustabitofbanter says, I changed a couple of details so it’s not too recognisable. The salient details are the same.

@flumpster123 they know he’s in another room because mummy is having trouble sleeping.

Talking of which, I only got 3 hours last night, I’m a zombie today. Been for a run first thing which has helped.

I just feel sick about the whole thing. How DARE he think he can dictate to me what my life is for the next decade?

He’s totally going to sod off to the nearest main city and I’ll be left wrangling the kids and he’ll just turn up and be Disney dad.

The youngest doesn’t want to go out with him today. She wants some Mumma time. He’s stropping about saying she’s going anyway.

I’m back on Rightmove.

Can’t wait to hear what the counsellor has to say to this. I guess it means my position on whether we can meet halfway is more now about whether he can live closer so we can share care. Obviously as his career allows 🤣

I love how they are totally “magnanimous” when it suits them and it’s their idea, but when it involves budging just a millimetre to make things work a bit better for you - YOU’RE a psycho from hell.

What would happen if you insisted on 50/50 with the kids?

I could insist, but you know, it would all go to pot the moment he has a conference call or meeting.

I don’t understand why he can’t commit to regular drop offs and pick ups. At the moment he’s saying that we’ll have to agree them each week because he doesn’t know what’s in his diary. Newsflash - I arrange my diary around the children.

He keeps watching me with his little reptilian eyes...I’ve started to clear out the attic. I’ve realised a lot of it isn’t my stuff but his.

Reptilian eyes

I think you're doing brilliantly. He will get over this, once his ego has recovered.
My ex DH was a bit like this when I left (no kids tho, and I had met someone else). Told me I could live with him yet still see my now DH (of 13 yrs and counting). I could see it was desperation on his part. I felt awful, and still do, for not being able to love him the way he wanted, but he later met and married a lovely lady, is now very happy and we're all friends, believe it or not.
I really hope things work out for you, my lovely

Be careful because his shitty lack of parenting and refusing to arrange anything will impact on your job. Perhaps until such time as you can agree FIXED childcare you have to go for 100% and make him pay through the nose? Sounds like he's happy to sabotage you and still pay nothing because he's '50/50' when he's not at all.

Very common ploy I'm afraid. Going for 50% to avoid maintenance and then backing out when it comes to sctually doing it. And little you can do to enforce it as he doesn't actually have to see them when it's his turn. Takes years through the court.

The way you described your financial situation tells me he's financially abusive. He wants you stuck for 10 years then he doesn't need to give you anything apart from half the house as your 'need' is much less than now.

Tricky little fucker isn't he? But you don't got your SHL so he can duck and dive all he wants.

He has no intention of disrupting his life to do 'menial' things like school runs or dentists or school uniform shopping. Oh no. But he will fight tooth and nail to get school holiday trips away and christmases, you can count on that. And he will have the money to make those 'special times' because he won't be paying maintenance- because he has them half the time. Except he doesn't.

Well I guess you need to be clear that shared residency doesn't work little that whether it's 50:50 or 25;75 there will be fixed at times he has the DC and he has to work around that...

The kids asked tonight about where were we going to be for Christmas.

Then said they didn’t want to move house. Apropos of nothing.

I think someone has been planting seeds...

Also, my friends think he isn’t going to move to the Big City. He’s calling my bluff, trying to scare me into agreeing to his crazy plan.

I’m really pleased to read it all worked out for you @dexterslockedintheshedagain and thanks for the flowers. I’m still totally numb, and totally shattered. Barely functional.

Good to have my eyes opened to that possibility @Vodkacranberryplease.

@RandomMess yes I need to be very clear. In words of one syllable, probably.

I think I need to set a timescale for this in my head. Otherwise he’ll just drag it on for months and then it’ll get nasty. He’s still not told his mum. He’s sent another couple of texts to friends husbands.

He’s back to work tomorrow (from the attic) so be interesting to see how long this enthusiasm for parenting lasts.

I would also say don't let him be the one getting the message out there. I appreciate you want to be discreet but if you don't say something he will - as you are finding out. And that something will put him front and centre of his 'poor me' narrative.

As for the children you will be able to reassure them it won't be them moving out, it will be daddy who will be spending lots and lots of time with them - probably even more than now!

How fucking dare he manipulate them like this? Every day that passes he's more of a dick. He's said he will move to a flat and that's exactly what will happen.

Time to tell the DC the age appropriate truth. You will be divorcing.

[quote Itsjustabitofbanter]@GalaxyCookieCrumble people change minor details all the time to avoid being outed. What difference does it make if her kids are 6&8 or 7?[/quote]
Because i thought I had my threads mixed up, and it does not really matter tbh

I definitely think it's time that YOU controlled the narrative OP.

Time to tell all family and friends that you are divorcing. You need to firstly talk to your DC to make sure they hear the age appropriate truth from your own lips, and not from snidey comments to them from your H.

Speak to your SHL and move things along, particularly the childcare arrangements going forward. You MUST get these court ordered as otherwise he will suit himself when and IF he has his DC. This will affect your ability to work (and he knows it) as well as your free time (which he will try to sabotage no doubt).

He needs to get his own place asap. Who the hell would let their EX decide how they live the next 10 years FFS !

We’ve got counselling on Thursday.

It was meant to be Friday, but guess who has a Big Important Meeting on Friday?!

Trying to sort out the salient points of what to say.

1. Your offer is crazy and insulting
2. My position hasn’t changed
3. This is happening
4. Stop trying to manipulate me via the children
5. Stop manipulating the children

Anything else?!