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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last week I told DH I want a divorce

995 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 16/08/2020 19:25

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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endofthelinefinally · 07/12/2020 14:23

A friend of mine went through a very difficult divorce some years ago. She is a very hard working, clever woman, but back then (1980s) they agreed that her career would take a back seat and she would raise the children. They both worked for a big city firm.
He subsequently had an affair with a younger colleague and left.
He had no fewer than 6 pension pots that he had no intention of declaring. He underestimated my friend's ability to deal with him.
The forensic accountant she employed was worth every penny.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 07/12/2020 14:27

Really appreciate the cheerleading!

Not a good day. Plus, I've got a permanent cracking headache. Wonder why?

Should I alert the mediator to the fact that this was a complete shock to me, or just say nothing ahead of Friday?

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 07/12/2020 15:00

I wonder if he also has either share options or existing shares from bonus schemes or other remuneration packages via previous workplaces? Worth considering if he has worked anywhere where this would have been the case. I still have some from when I worked at a FTSE 100 company and I don't touch them on a day to day basis and receive dividend statements online rather than in the post so it wouldn't necessarily be obvious.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/12/2020 15:42

OP I agree with PPs, he doesn't care how you feel so strip all emotion out of your dealings with him. Rant and cry to friends but not to him OR your SHL (it's too expensive to use them as therapists!). I divorced a horrible man like this over 4 years ago. He's still shocked I didn't back down but kept going until I got my fair settlement. He still rants about it now, apparently!

DartmoorDoughnut · 07/12/2020 16:25

Hope your headache disappears and your SHL has a forensic accountant in her team

katmarie · 07/12/2020 18:37

I'd let the mediator know, perhaps in confidence if you can? They need to know that he's been lying to you for years, to understand why you now wont believe a word he says.

justilou1 · 08/12/2020 13:31

Maybe you can send them an email and say that you felt out on the spot last time when your DH announced that he had an extra $500k and you didn’t know how to react as the agenda of the mediation session was supposed to be about kids. You had spent years tied up in knots about finances, feeling like everything was on the edge, and you have also since discovered that he has been lying to you about his income. You have thought long and hard about this and have come to the conclusion that there is no point continuing with mediation as he is financially and emotionally abusive. (Examples of this:- weaponises conversations from mediation out of context, has shown no genuine care for the emotional or physical well-being of his children, or any interest in providing financially for them. In fact, the only genuine interest he has shown in his children is how best to be financially impacted the least and how to use them their vulnerability as a weapon against you also - therefore, you intend to file for divorce as soon as possible.

Catmaiden · 08/12/2020 16:28

Did you say anything at the last mediation session, when he disclosed this hidden pension pot?

BlueThistles · 09/12/2020 02:52

Hi OP, I'm utterly appalled for you and feel you distress at your scrimping and saving for kids days out all these years.

Sending best wishes for Friday Flowers

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/12/2020 04:18

Wide awake.

The past couple of nights I have indulged in my latest hobby, drinking his wine stash. He’s stated he wants to take it with him (4 crates, naice wine but not ridiculous if you see what I mean) so my theory is that if I drink it he can’t ask for it back.

Only managed 2 glasses a night so it’s going to take me a while! But is not helping with the sleeping.

SHL has drafted my petition. Gosh it hurt seeing it put down like that. A couple of amends and is good to go.

I’ve composed an email for the mediator and am sleeping on it tonight (ha ha) and will send it tomorrow.

He’s not pulled out of the house purchase yet, but has spent an inordinate amount of time in a ridiculous flashing Christmas hat practicing for his online choir rehearsal.

He can’t sing. But it’s a work choir, so obviously requires being taken seriously.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 09/12/2020 05:04

Oh, ffs 🙄

Catmaiden · 09/12/2020 05:06

That was about his twattish behavior, in case you were wondering!

justilou1 · 09/12/2020 07:06

He really IS a gnome of a man, isn’t he? I’m sure your friends need some Christmas Cheer... perhaps some vino delivery like your ding-dong-gin drop-offs (with a card from anonymous). X

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/12/2020 09:08

@Catmaiden I didn’t react at all and haven’t said anything since.

A gnome of a man. That is unfair to gnomes I feel.

The DC are getting upset that he is insisting on taking them to school. They just want it back to me doing it as then it’s nicer...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/12/2020 10:02

I would take in several bottles of wine to school for them to raffle or give the teachers, I think they're all in need...

RandomMess · 09/12/2020 10:02

Is he actually getting them up and ready on his mornings or is he just doing the taking?

Catmaiden · 09/12/2020 10:59

Deffo "gift" what you can't drink of the wine!

Daftapath · 09/12/2020 12:09

Gift and stash it at a friends, I say!

justilou1 · 09/12/2020 12:17

Is hé interracting with teachers or is that not happening where you are? (I’m in Aus, so way out of the loop.) If so, they definitely need wine for coping...

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/12/2020 13:05

He is actually doing it, in that he's sorting their breakfast and stuff and doing spellings etc. I'm still doing their hair and soothing ruffled feathers to get them out the door with him - I know, I know, but I just can't take the angst involved on the kids part if I don't.

@justilou1 the irony is he's heavily involved with school in a semi-professional capacity! the Head phoned him the other night to discuss something. Other than that, we're not able to interact - and aren't allowed to send presents in this year, so all the parents have clubbed together to get digital vouchers.

2 bottles have already made their way to a neighbours - I'm not brave enough to walk out with a whole box!

The mediator has replied to my email. Bit disappointed I guess, but I know she can't take sides.

As she's impartial she needs to make him aware that I've contacted her, which she will do at the start of the meeting and then I can say my thing.

Bit annoyed as I wanted him to put his deal on the table first, but I guess it's immaterial in the scheme of things. She did ask if I wanted to cancel the meeting, but I think it's better to have her there as I'm not sure how he's going to respond.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 09/12/2020 13:29

I hope you’re not planning on smoking because if he’s prepared, this is going to be gaslight central. I would have concrete examples of the times you were scrimping and saving and feeling like you were living on pot noodles, etc.

justilou1 · 09/12/2020 13:31

Actually maybe you should cancel and just go straight to lawyer... Otherwise he will have more time to transfer money out of country. Just nail him to the floor legally.

justilou1 · 09/12/2020 13:31

You’re going to have to insist that all accounts are frozen ASAP.

C0NNIE · 09/12/2020 13:38

Don’t feel you have to drink the wine if it’s affecting your sleep. Just smuggle it out the house a bottle at a time and Stash at a friends.

MotherOfDragonite · 09/12/2020 15:34

If you do not feel it is a useful confrontation to have, I guess you would now need to cancel the meeting?

I don't know why but I feel a bit irritated by your mediator. Did she make you both aware at the start that your contacting her would be something she would have to mention in the mediation?!