Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

He's a right nasty bugger, is what he is.

Go for 50% of the pensions like a dog with a bone.

It's a far safer better bet than house equity, which can go up or down. And it's much, much easier to earn money to pay down a house than figure out how to invest cash to make an equivalent in pension, starting now.

Pension has more value. Guess what, you'll get most of the house anyway!

If he was a useless buffoon who needed nagging and managing by someone else he wouldn’t be in a position to have half a million of pensions. He certainly wouldn’t be clever enough to have hidden them. For years. And let you worry and scrimp and - even worse - try to make you believe he will be a pauper.

Get angry.

He has been lying to you FOR YEARS.

He has made your life and your children’s lives more difficult than they needed to be FOR YEARS.

Before divorce was even a possibility, he happily watched you genuinely worry about your joint future in retirement and come up with plans to mitigate non-existent risks knowing fine well that he would be fine and said NOTHING!

Get really, really angry.

He has taken the piss out of you, and by extension, your children. Get angry and use that to fire you up to make sure he does not do it again. I know that’s a blunt thing to say, but I worry you’re being too compliant with him and not seeing him for the two-faced person he really is.

Show him whatever face he needs to see to make him think he’s winning. Under the water, paddle those feet like mad to make damned sure that you walk away with everything that you are entitled to for your entire contribution to the marriage.

I am absolutely livid for you. Be livid for yourself. You deserve to be.

Hes lied to you for your whole marriage, watched you struggle and worry and hurt, and done nothing. Thats unforgivable.

A word of caution though. If he's hidden this and then suddenly fessed up, then what else might he be hiding? Talk to your shl about maybe getting a forensic accountant. He doesnt strike me as the kind of person to just hand over info that will leave him vulnerable, and don't trust a bloody word he says. Because as I said. He's lied to you. For your whole marriage. I'm fuming on your behalf.

Polly, get First Wives Club out anyway! Fuck him! FUCK HIM.

I have had wine and am raging for you.

Some men are shits and so many have read the same book .

@StuckInPollyannaMode carry on getting stronger and angrier. You will come out on top and he'll be alone pathetically looking at his Kitchen Aid and not be able to plug it in never mind actually turn it on and use it.

Fuck that, get life insurance and get someone to poison the arsehole!

I do recall the amazing @RandomMess telling you several months ago not to underestimate how much he might have in his pensions.

So that’s a result. Now he’s confessed to that one I’m wondering if there’s another stashed away somewhere......

Please take some expert advice as to the wisdom of trading this off against the equity in the house. It may not be a good deal for you.

My suggestion was not at all serious, btw... meanwhile, I think SHL is going to want a forensic accountant ASAP. I bet DH is going to roll over and show you his tummy in submission re the divorce pdq once that is done.

Hardly got any sleep.

It doesn’t feel victorious. I am so so sad. All those years of worrying and trying to make ends meet. Trips out for the kids I wanted to do but couldn’t afford. He made me feel so stupid for not understanding why there was such a big gap in our finances.

And this is why. It’s only thanks to you all that I was forewarned there might be something.

It’s all feeling too big and complicated now for me to agree a deal in mediation. I don’t fully understand all the implications. Not because I can’t but because I’d never needed to and now isn’t the right time. I’d much rather do one more mediation session to hammer out child maintenance then let SHL deal with the rest. She’s far more up on financial matters than I am.

In the longer term I will get some asset management advice.

We got a completion date yesterday, so only 7 weeks to go. Think I might start packing soon, if only to have something to do to keep me out of the way when he’s meant to be doing the kids. Is so cold and wet going out on the bike or running isn’t having much appeal.

Have organised to go to one friends (in bubble, fear not) for Christmas Eve and another for Boxing Day - so is mainly Christmas Day to get through.

You poor, poor thing. I imagine you’ve been lying alone in the dark feeling like you’ve been eyeing out your anxiety for the sake of the kids while he’s been manifesting this lie for so many years. What an utter bastard. My grandfather did this shit in the forties and fifties. You don’t expect it in the 2000’s! You’re heartbroken and insulted. Quite rightly so! The man you married was unable to love adequately. Not your fault he faked it until he had you hooked. Look at how badly he fakes friendship. You’re going to be off the leash very shortly and you will shine!!!

Those same friends he was rude about last week? He’s meeting them for a walk on Monday. Go figure.

Obviously wants to use them. In two minds whether to say anything.

I just feel numb again @justilou1. Tears are threatening. Been curled up on the sofa with a book, a cuppa and the cat.

How did I get it so wrong? He’s not the man I thought he was at all.

Waiting til 7 then will go up and have a nice hot bath. Before heading to Aldi and leaving him to do homework, child wrangling and activities.

May have eaten half the children’s advent calendar chocolates. Sod the diet.

Its shit, Pollyanna, it really is. And a horrible shock too. I think not making any major decisions for now is a smart move, give yourself some time, talk to your shl, and let yourself process. Also aldi do some lovely chocolates.

Huge hugs it's awful to discover something like it. It's like he was having an affair with his finances tbh seeing you and the DC go without whilst knowing his was growing.

All I would focus on in mediation is contact arrangements and what you are taking from the house when you move out.

Assume CMS for maintenance, any spousal award will be small and short term you need your SHL to focus on the largest share possible to compensate for your loss of earnings due to being primary carer, loss of career opportunities, ongoing being primary carer, his higher earning potential meaning he can get a bigger mortgage than you etc.

Pensions have a cash in value now and that is all added into the equity pot and then split. So you will have more than you thought as a deposit to your next place.

I'm off to Aldi too for 8am, used to think I was mad but had to pop back last week at 3pm (left my card behind ) it was bedlam all the tills open and Qs 4/5 deep

As a slight aside I'm doing an advent fitness challenge which is free via sign up and watching this guy on YouTube let me know if you fancy doing it - I' beginning level for fitness and flexibility 😂

It will be easier for your SHL to sort after the house move, you won't have him 24x7 'giving you advice' and telling you how it should be. Get the CMS sorted and try to let them deal with it.

I really feel for you. I know people usually say this about affairs but his deception about the pension must feel as if you've been living a lie.

I think when you live with someone abusive you rewrite your own relationship narrative to survive until you you either wither away all sense of your own self or get out. You are so very strong. I know you are questioning this, but this numbness is your carapace - put there to anaesthetise you and protect you and the kids for now. You’re probably really about to explode. He will probably proudly tell his friends about his hoarde. (I’m seeing him like Gollum in his cave - “My Preciousssssssss!”) and he may even very well let slip that there’s even more. If you are close to them, it might be worth chatting and setting him up for a confession. I wonder what kind of reaction he was hoping for...?

I honestly feel absolutely betrayed. All those years of scrimping and saving and worry and angst. What is it they say in your vows? for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, with all my goods I thee endow? Not in his case, yet I’d have given him my last penny. He’s been lying to me for years. It makes a mockery of our whole relationship.

Saw an old friend today. Was so lovely. Unfortunately disgraced myself by crying nonstop for half an hour. Fortunately she’s such a good friend it doesn’t matter and we ended up laughing like drains over some old memories.

I’ve managed not to say anything tonight. Although he’s talked a lot about what my plans are and that he’s convinced I’m going to pull some money out of somewhere to buy a big fuck off house (his words).

I stonewalled and just went uh huh.

Going to write an email to SHL tomorrow and then sleep on it before I send it. I’ve got a nice day planned with the kids tomorrow and he can just fuck off.

I had 2 Twirls and a mince pie for lunch.

Was luvverly.

I’m sorry , of course you are devastated. He has lied to you for years and kept you short of money for the children. How sad that they have missed out on trips and days out that were probably very inexpensive anyway . When they are little they enjoy such simple things.

I agree with the PP who said it’s like finding out about a long term affair. You look back at all the times you thought you were happy and feel that it’s all fake .

Hmmm, interesting how they are masters of projection. He’s a deceitful lying bastard who’s been hiding assets, therefore obviously you are doing the same!!!

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I honestly feel absolutely betrayed. All those years of scrimping and saving and worry and angst. What is it they say in your vows? for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, with all my goods I thee endow? Not in his case, yet I’d have given him my last penny. He’s been lying to me for years. It makes a mockery of our whole relationship.

Saw an old friend today. Was so lovely. Unfortunately disgraced myself by crying nonstop for half an hour. Fortunately she’s such a good friend it doesn’t matter and we ended up laughing like drains over some old memories.

I’ve managed not to say anything tonight. Although he’s talked a lot about what my plans are and that he’s convinced I’m going to pull some money out of somewhere to buy a big fuck off house (his words).

I stonewalled and just went uh huh.

Going to write an email to SHL tomorrow and then sleep on it before I send it. I’ve got a nice day planned with the kids tomorrow and he can just fuck off.

Like when a man is cheating he accuses his wife of doing so. He knows he can pull money from nowhere to buy a big fuck off house and he's terrified you'll do the same. He wants to get one over on you and by default his children .

His accusation of you being able to pull out some money to buy a big fuck off house how very bloody date he!! It shows that this is what matters to him, money and what house he ends up living in.

Again no concern about the DC 😢

No disgrace to sob on your friend!!

Finding out your partner is not who you thought they were is definitely a massive betrayal. Who could blame you for feeling this way? I’m glad you cried with your friend: there is no shame in giving vent to your emotions, and doing so will be very healing g for you longer term.

By the way, I stayed up until 2.30am reading your thread and I’ve got to say, I think you are amazing!

Please please please tell ALL your friends exactly what he has done.
All of it.
Shine the sunlight of truth on his shitty, dark, appalling doings