Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

The children want us to be together all four, at home, and have a roast.

I'm inundated with offers from friends to go there for the day. Which would be lovely, but not Christmassy really. Can do that on Boxing Day. Yes @S00LA you've got the measure of him, that's totally the way he would be.

I've suggested to him that lockdown allowing he should go to his mums for a bit. Which was met with general derision.

Mind you, with 2 or 3 mediation sessions coming up and children very much top of the agenda then he might not want to be in the same place as me for Christmas...suits me!

If I can I will take them to my parents for a bit, have a break, but they can't have anyone in their house at the moment. Given our eldests' issues too much change isn't a good thing, she's much better in school with continuity, otherwise your idea is fantastic @RandomMess

I'm sure I'll be better for a break whilst they're away over the first part of half term. Just need to get to that. Have a couple of nice things planned just for me whilst they are away.

I would be wary of feeling obliged to the traditional Christmas Day because it's what the DC want if it's going to be to your own detriment.

I would actually prepare them for the idea that it may be a tt have to be different because you are divorcing and things will have to change.

It may be an early lunch and then you disappearing off to friends I think a whole day of playing happy family may make you crack!!!

Well it’s been a rollercoaster.

Friday his offer on the house was accepted. He was like a bear with a sore head.

Friday night the phone rang 3 times with friends from WI (god bless the WI) saying they’d heard what had happened, was I ok, could they do anything. Each phone call made him crosser and crosser, even though I walked away.

We ended up having a big of a ding dong. Apparently I have pushed him into buying this house, a house that he doesn’t really want, and he really wants to stay in the village we are in. To which I said, well why did you offer on a house you don’t really want in the next town over then?

I ended up going to a neighbours for the evening once I’d put the kids to bed cos I just couldn’t deal with him.

Came home at 10pm, went to bed.

Woke up at 8 to him standing over me going well it’s your turn to get up with the children, I’ve got to pack, come on’ with a face like thunder. I was like woah, hang on, what? To which he said that he’d heard me ‘staggering’ in at 4am and that I couldn’t abdicate my parental responsibilities because I’d had a late night and was hungover.

What he’d heard was me getting up to let the cat out. The neighbours I’d gone to are in their 70s. We’d watched a programme on making croissants and drunk 3 cups of tea.

Things deteriorated as he got closer to leaving to take the kids to his mums for the first half of half term. He was cross and snappy and really pushed them about time keeping - no wonder they react the way they do.

Anyway. Last night I had 5 friends over and had a great night. Fuck him.

Tonight the phone has been ringing off the hook with leads of places to rent through friends of the WI ladies. I’ve got a really really strong lead to follow up tomorrow. I know the house, it’s a barn conversion on a farm, it’s well within budget and up a farm track. So, double whammy for me keeping the car - PLUS it’ll really piss him off every time he drives up to it as it’s a mud track. HA.

Three more days of peace and oh, it’s blissful. Watched the entire of Emily in Paris.

Meeting with my company accountant on Tuesday to go through finances and see if she can spot anything.

OP good luck with the Barn rental, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. His rage comes from not being in control any longer, every decision he has made has been made to get a reaction from, instead he got nothing. Offering on this house, was meant to panic you into changing your mind. Stay strong and it sounds like you have an amazing network of friends OP. Make sure he does not try to imply you were drunk that night you let the cat out, he'll use rubbish like that to undermine you.

So he didn't get that erm as it was his half of the holidays with the DC he actually should be dealing with them? Cannot multi task how has he managed his big so important job for so long....

Hope the barn conversion works out🤞

Enjoy the peace!

You’re doing so well. It’s so telling how many lovely friends you have who care. Thankfully he wasn’t ever able to restrict you from them. I’m excited for you to actually be able to move away from living with him. Your life will become so much happier, brighter, and better!

You are blessed with such great friends.
Good luck with the barn.

I hope the barn comes through for you.

It speaks volumes about you and about him that you have hordes of great friends rallying round and supporting you and he... doesn't.

Gotta 💕 those WI women

Fingers crossed for you x

Nearly having a bloody panic attack at the thought of another lockdown - I don’t know if I can do it. Geller has come over dictatorial and I’m just in tears and trying to hold it together.

He thinks we should both stop working when the kids come home and he will work again in the evening except when due to his job he will have to be in meetings, but that we should both make sure we have a minimum of half an hours exercise a day and then interact with the children.

I don’t know if he’s trying to help or trying to undermine me or what. He’s going on and ON and I’m just shaking in the corner. The girls and I have had a lovely half of our half term, and now I’m just a wreck.

Got to pull myself together, friend arriving shortly for play date. At least the kids are happy.

He’s gone to the supermarket to ‘make sure we have everything necessary.’

I don’t know if he’s trying to help or trying to undermine me or what. He’s going on and ON and I’m just shaking in the corner. The girls and I have had a lovely half of our half term, and now I’m just a wreck

It’s neither. He’s trying to assert his role as Head Of The Household who gets to order around his staff, decide how things are done And bark orders at everyone. Did you stand to attention and salute and shout “ Yes sir ! “ when he was done.

He thinks he’s the father in the sound of music.

Prepare yourself - he will be lovely to you in front of your friend and you will want to kill him right there and then.

“ I just popped out to the shops for a few things to help out Pollyanna - one of us has to be organised you know ha ha “.

Once she has left he will want you so sort out and store the mountains of things he has bought. At that point you need to have a headache and go and lie down. It might be A migraine and last 24 hours.

Honestly I would take the DC and move to your parents.

Your MH seems to be suffering greatly and protecting that and being there emotionally for your DC is a priority.

Well he’s just tried to cheer me up by telling me I may never see my parents again.

I’m ok, @RandomMess, going to head out for a walk and a breather. I can’t do that to the girls, the eldest needs her routine and school more than ever.

I just need this barn to come off and then I can sort myself out.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Well he’s just tried to cheer me up by telling me I may never see my parents again.

At what point does his behaviour cross the line from obnoxious into abusive?

He really seems to be ramping up his appalling behaviour in quite atrocious ways.

What a f*cking awful thing to say

You don't have to agree to what he tries to impose. He is trying to get you to act as a family unit which will confuse the DC you are co-parents you take it on turns to care for the DC, with his plan he never has to do any solo caring for them does he???

I really hope the barn comes off!

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Well he’s just tried to cheer me up by telling me I may never see my parents again.

What an absolute cunt.

Keep your cool. Your new life of flowers and bright days and good friends and lots of gin, good sex and new experiences awaits. You deserve all of that. And you'll get it soon.

Geller can fuck off. Start making a lot of these comments. Fucking dick.

I think you need to practice grey rock with him, as much as you can. Calm and factual when you do have to engage, and as vague and non commital as you can be the rest of the time. Have a range of phrases that you can trot out when hes being a shit, 'right', 'if you think so', 'that doesn't work for me', 'I'll make a decision about that when I'm ready' etc. or stick with a non committal 'hmmm' as much as you can. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking his bullshit is having any impact.

As a pp says, he is trying to assert his dominance in the household, which is A, a bit fucking rich now, and B, absolutely not the solution to your relationship breakdown, and if he thinks it is, he's more deluded than I thought. He's also still not getting it is he? He's making the household so miserable you're considering taking the kids to your parents, even though that would be disruptive for them. Rather than putting the kids front and centre in his behaviour and decision making, he's trying to dominate and manipulate you instead.

how did the barn viewing go OP 🌺

@StuckInPollyannaMode I've read through your entire thread, and all I can say is wow what a cockwomble he is!

And well done to you for being so dignified throughout it all, you are such a positive role model for your daughters.

How did the barn viewing go?

Oops sorry! I never told you about the barn. Well, it’s not the barn I thought it was, it’s another part of the farm. Which is good, because it’s a nicer part of it! Up an actual drive not the farm track. Because of that it’s a bit spendy, but I’ve been through my budget with my lovely friend who is an accountant and I can JUST do it. I’m first in the queue but the agent hasn’t been formally instructed yet, so I can’t view. I have an in with the landlord so waiting to hear now.

It’s 2 beds, with a garden, renovated 2 years ago, I can take the cat...surrounded by dogs and horses so the kids will be in seventh heaven...everything crossed.

🤞 for the barn!

He isn't able to order you around anymore. He's just trying to get some control because he can feel his control over you is slipping away. The fact that you have had such a visceral reaction to it, tells you a lot about how he's been making you feel.

It doesn't matter if he tries to make out like you're not as good a parent if you don't do it. He's a shitty parent for trying to use the dc to manipulate you.

It's hard to grey rock while you're still in the house, but what really helps is looking at it like this:

• He wants a reaction from you and every one you give him is a gift to him and makes him feel better about himself. He doesn't deserve to feel better about himself.
• Everything he says to you probably has an ulterior motive right now. Look at him like a manipulative toddler trying to get his way.. That helps take his power away, and you can start to send the silly games he's trying to play
• If he accuses you of anything, it's likely to be projection. So you look at his accusation, and assume that that's what he's either doing to you or wants to do to you.
• above all, remember that you are an adult with valid feelings and choices. He is not the only one who gets to decide what to do; he is not in charge of you and doesn't get to tell you what to do