Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

When my ex H left, the biggest change in my life was how much free time I had. Even though I was caring for three children 24/7.

It was in the evenings, once they went to bed. I was so used to spending the whole evening making a separate meal for him, listening to all his work worries, helping him with his business admin, even watching his TV programmes with him to ‘keep him company’ .

Weekends and holidays were ALL about what he wanted to do, otherwise he either opted out completely or stayed and was an arsehole and spoilt it for the kids.

I didn’t realise how much energy and time it took - until it stopped.

Suddenly I didn’t have to cook another meal, I just ate with the kids or had a bowl of soup.

My washing load nearly halved, as he was to lazy to hang up anything so threw everything in the wash basket. We all reused towels but he refused to do so.

I stopped ironing overnight - no more Of his work outfits and 100% cotton shirts.

But the housework was nothing compared to all that listening to him and discussing his issues and problems.

No more exhausting emotional labour listening to all his work worries, reading and rewriting reports for him, pretending I was enjoying his awful taste in TV, Listening to all his complaints about his family and Attending his family events, organising cards and gifts for birthdays, Christmas, new babies etc. No more Hosting his very large and demanding family every few months.

No more organising and buying all his clothes for him, Sorting them out and pleading with him to throw out old things. Forcing him to buy new suits so he would be presentable at the office. Reminding him to get his haircut , making medical and dental appointments for him and then having to send him several reminders to attend. Picking up his meds from the pharmacy.

All that exhausting invisible wife work, the mental load which he never even noticed until it was all gone.

It’s all come back to me now, reading the OPs posts about her husband. The sheer exhaustion of it all. And that it was NEVER reciprocated.

S00LA blimey sounds utterly exhausting!!!

We have had different issues/problems in our marriage but at least if something happened to me he can look after the house and kids, the wifework is definitely shared!!!

@S00LA reading that list (which I don't think will be massively uncommon tbh) it's clear why married men live longer isn't it.
I often think as a woman the best you could get would be doing it all yourself, or 50-50 with a partner (which is still really just carrying your own load). I can't imagine how much easier life would be if someone else was shouldering my share. Yet that's what a lot of men have and women are trained to provide it.

@S00LA are you one of Geller's ex wives?!

Yes, that's IT - exhausting emotional labour. Although, he does do the ironing (I've ironed perfectly fine for years, but not to his standards, so now he can fill his boots). He is very particular about cleaning. One of the reasons he wants the house he's found is because it is so clean. Whatever.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's interesting that you say that about free time. Last night I just sat down after dinner and thought 'no. I'm not doing any more' - he faffed around doing complete nonsense which involved a lot of bluster. I started thinking I might actually have time to learn the language I really want to once he's gone!

We've had DD1's long awaited appointment with the paediatrician today. It was really good until we were in the car afterwards and I'd made a game out of her having to change her uniform - he was rushing her and really stressing and I suddenly realised that he always asks her to do things multiple times, he never just lets her be or gives her a bit of time. She was about to blow up at him and then I intervened.

I wonder how much calmer she'll be when it's just me.

News from our buyers today and it's likely to be an end of January move. So I now need to decide whether I can cope with that or if I should move the kids out before Christmas. In many ways if I can cope then I can save the money. It would help in the longer term.

First session of mediation tomorrow - any wise words folks? It's my first one, so it's just with the mediator, he's not around.

Let him have the car and buy a good second hand cheaper, more economical one.
Don't waste thousands on depreciation.

Sorry I have zero experience of mediation. But I wonder if it might be useful to make a list of what issues are essential and desirable for you and what you are willing to concede on.

For your own eyes only of course.

Then keep back some of the things you are willing to concede on and trade them later for things that matter to you.

Are you able to work out what things really matter to you STBX and use that to your advantage?

If you are in fact married to my ex then I’d recommend you try to get things defined. So if he says “ I’d like you he be flexible on contact dates” then he means “ I’d like to see the kids whenever it suits me, probably without notice. I however will never allow you to change dates to suit you And I will expect you to continue to be the default parent”.

So I’d try to get it defined Eg contact dates to be fixed but either party can ask for these to be changed up to 6 times a year. That gives flexibility.

Otherwise if you say “ No I’m not willing to be Flexible “ the you look unreasonable. Or if you say you are, he will change access days and times on a weekLy basis for trivial reasons.

My ex is the kind of man who would look very plausible at mediation. He’s smart enough to say all the right words “ oh yes the children are my first priority “ while demonstrating By his actions that him, himself and his work are in fact the three biggest things in his life.

I would have found it very hard to sit and listen to him pontificate about what a great father he was And why he didn’t want a divorce in front of a mediator. He cares a lot about the optics and image management.

Oh yes contact agreement...

EOW is Friday after school until Monday dropping them at school!! Do it be shafted so that you can never get a weekend away.

If he chooses to move to far for that to be convenient that really is his problem.

As I said up thread, I'm sure this throws a different light on why and his ex split up and when he didn't see his DC... certainly I don't think you go the truth from him.

Hmm, I'm reminded of advice I've seen from Rand0m (not sure she's on this thread) about those weekends.

Make it start 9am Friday and end 3pm Monday. So if anything happens at school and the kids need to be picked up it is EX's responsibility to manage. I think that's more important on the Friday tbh.

Mediation session fine. I stated my case on the children, pensions and financial split, and she has a session with Geller this afternoon.

I come out of it to find a message to say he's got a buyer for MY CAR. Well, technically he owns it, but that's only because I pay for his. It's MY CAR.

What the actual FUCK.

Literally lost for words.

Take the keys for his. Twat

@Daftapath

Take the keys for his. Twat

Yep.

It's shame he no longer has a car.

The gloves are coming off now, aren’t they?

And I sat in mediation and said we can discuss big issues like buying cars etc.

Fuck that. I am soooo beyond cross.

I'm confused. YOU pay for HIS car; but he owns yours. Which car do you drive? and if you drive the car that you think of as yours, why don't you own it? did you pay for it? can't you stop paying for his?

So he owns both cars but you pay for one and drive the other ?

Whatever way, surely both are marital assets ? And you’ve not agreed to sell anything.

Personally I’d be hiding the car documents and the spare keys.

Good to see that he’s pressing ahead with the one thing that’s most important to him - pissing you off by selling something you wanted.

At least now you can see where his priorities are.

I thought he Would be too busy negotiating part time / flexible working with his employer as he’s having the kids half the time. Or finding himself a new home that’s near the kids school.

In the grand scheme of things, cars are a small issue. When you compare to the equity in the house and any pensions/savings. It is things like that which are likely to rile though as they are clearly digs and aimed at causing you annoyance and inconvenience.

My XH took the tv licence when he left because it was 'easier'. Clearly only easier for him. He is also a twat!

I agree the car thing is to piss you off.

I also think he’s using it to distract you from the money he’s hiding, probably in his pensions or insurances . Because he’s definitely hiding something as he’s very keen not to disclose his assets.

“ Here -take this super duper shiny sparkly deal that I’m offering you now as long as you don’t get a solicitor “ .

He drives a lease car which is in my name, I pay for it, he chose it. He bought my car, which is the main family car, because ...oh, it’s just lost in the midsts of time and we swopped cars when I was pregnant.

The lease is up in January, so there’s not much point in getting out of it early.

I actually have no idea where the car documentation is. One of three places. Kids now home from school so could be difficult and he’s here tomorrow.

I have said I want to talk to him and he’s stropped off onto a conference call.

Yes, he’s totally done it to piss me off. I will rise above it, rise above it. It’s just a car, just a car. I’ll get a better one. One day.

Well he's a fool because if he sells the family car you will need the lease one you pay for...

I was seriously wondering if you could take the DC out of school a few weeks before the end of Christmas term due to Covid fears and homeschool from your parents for 5/6/8 weeks until you can move...

I also wondered if he wanted to share the car to show you just how difficult it is to separate and also because you will then have to interact with him lots and lots...

I think I may have divorced him before he married you!

The other thing I found was always to have back up arrangements if you've got something special booked and the DC's are meant to be with him. Amazing how many times regretfully, something just came up and he was unable to 'help' at the last minute.... the passive-aggressive nonsense drove me round the twist.

My parents are in lockdown and 200 miles away - it really would then be all out war if that’s what I did.

He’s announced he’s in the office on Thursday. I am going to carry on Rummaging. There MUST be something.

He's really pushing all the right the buttons OP.

My anxiety is through the roof - can’t sleep. All ok on the surface but underneath eating my feelings and not doing great. I know what I need to do - get back to running and stop eating crap - but it’s hard!

Offer going through on the house, likely to move end of Jan. Just need to keep going for a few more weeks. And Christmas.

He’s backed down on the car. Apparently ‘it was just an idea’.

First formal mediation session Together set for mid November with another At the start of December.

Still nothing on the rental market. I can always go to friends but I’d rather not if I don’t have to. At least if something comes up now I can go for it.

Honestly, I can’t thank you all enough for listening to me witter on and giving me different ideas and perspectives. It’s really helping.

He’s backed down on the car. Apparently ‘it was just an idea’

Ah, so he WAS just doing it to wind you up. Odd that he has so many ideas about your car and so few about his children.

Sorry you are so stressed, I know it’s horrible to be living like this.

About surviving Christmas - I suggest you think about what the children would actually enjoy and focus on that, rather than what you think you should do at Christmas. It’s going to be different this year for many people anyway.

So if your ( you and kids ) favourite meal is fish and chips Then just do that on Christmas Day. If your STBX wants turkey etc he can make it.

Remember he will not be happy whatever you do. So don’t bother trying to please him. You could deliver a Nigella perfect Christmas and he will still try to make it all about him . Probably sobbing into his dinner or grabbing everyone’s hand at the table and saying how sad he feels that you will never ever have another Christmas day again and how his life is ruined.

If you are able to due to Tiering can you spend some/most of Christmas Day with friends? He could have the DC next year?

I was serious about moving in with your parents a few weeks despite them being so far away... go for the school holidays and stay until you have somewhere to live. If your mental health continues to decline it may be the best thing to do tbh.