Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Why are you excluding pensions in the division of assists? You need to add those in then work out the percentage. They might be worth three times the value of the equity of the house so therefore your split is very different. Add all assets, minus all debts, then figure out a percentage split.

In my experience, anyone who makes an offer... and makes noises about how it's a REALLY good offer for you and "let's avoid the lawyers" is doing one thing - avoiding the lawyers finding out something they want to keep quiet and they want to get a deal signed off before anyone realises! If this deal really is that good - then a lawyer will have no hesitation in recommending acceptance of it - if he's scared of you showing it to a lawyer, then there's something dodgy behind the scenes.

If you ever feel like it's not going your way.... just remember STBXH is this man...

I feel totally overwhelmed today.

I think I'm at the point of wanting to rent for a year. Til things are sorted, calmed down, and I can make a house purchase which isn't an act of desperation.

I'm struggling with the uncertainty of knowing what is going to happen and living in this house with him and frankly my head just wants to explode.

I'm so tired.

@trevorandsimon I'm not excluding pensions, I was referring to cash assets.

Oh, and last night he wanted me to advise him on which house to buy!! honestly, you couldn't make this shit up

Plus I can't go and see my parents for my share of half term with the kids. I was so hoping to be able to see them.

To be honest OP I think if you can afford it I'd rent just to give yourself time and space rather than rushing in and getting something you don't really want. That's rough about your parents.

If you move out and rent you can go sooner rather than later which would be good.

Also means you can have a support bubble

I think renting would be an excellent idea.
Not the same circumstances , but we needed to move 300 miles away from our home town. We knew the county well ( we had holidays there many times ) so had an exact area we wanted to go to. Couldn't find a house suitable , so reluctantly rented . That turned out to be a blessing in disguise as a place you love to holiday in might not live up to expectation for living in. We bought about 10 miles away much cheaper as it is just outside a national park.
In your situation , your emotions are all over the place , and once the dust settled , and you learn to breathe again , you can set out to find the perfect place to call your own.

First MIAM sessions set for Tuesday. The one where we both go separately. I have marked on my form that I want to talk about children and finances, he has just put finances.

He has requested updates on 5 different pensions - gave me the envelopes to post! I'm doing my forms today.

God I am so very very tired. Our eldest is acting out and our youngest wants to know when we can move house and what will happen to the cat and if she can take her cuddly toys and it's just this endless barrage of questions, whilst Geller just mopes around and clutches his head and shouts on conference calls.

We should find out on Monday what sort of timescale our buyers want. That will determine what happens. Keeping an eye on the rental market (and the overall market) as if the right thing comes up I will pounce.

In the meantime, I keep on keeping on, trying to grey rock.

Opinion please - he has announced he doesn't want my car. My beloved car. But he will 'give me' the same amount as it is worth to buy a new one, and he will keep it 'for now' but might well sell it after the winter. Now, it's worth 15k, so do I:

a) Insist I want it. And keep it. Although it costs a fair whack to run, it is exceptionally practical and it makes me so very happy.
b) Insist I want it. Keep it until the financial deal is through and then sell it, buy a cheaper car and put the money into equity.
c) Let him have it and take the money and buy a newer one, just to piss him off

or

d) Let him have it and take the money, buy a cheaper car and put the money into equity.

I really would not let it be the hill that you die on. There will be far more important things to discuss (argue about) in mediation.

Maybe tell him that he can have it for 20k. Don't concede on it yet though. It can be something to show willing on later when you want to stick to your guns about something crucial.

c) but haggle on price

Obviously the sensible thing is to take the money and buy a cheaper car but that's a bit miserable.

It's strange that he still does not see/accept/believe that the care of the DC affects finances....

It's bloody obvious to everyone else you will have the lion share of care which does equate to you needing a higher share of equity.

Please do not rely on him to be good on his word to pay for holiday childcare etc...

Stick with absolute facts - CMS level maintenance and equity nothing else bar one year of spousal is legally binding!

Regards your car, see how the settlement goes, you don't have to make your mind up now. If keeping the car means you'll have to have a mortgage or you'll be skint then I'd take the money.

If you're self employed can you run a car through your business anyway?

Whatever you agree on in mediation, ensure the agreement is written in terms that make it impossible for him to wriggle out of. So ensure that if one of the agreements is that he will pay for holiday child care, have that written in the settlement agreement. There are so many things that I wrongfully assumed my XH would do and bitterly regret not getting written into the settlement

Someone has told me that I need to make sure that he pays me a minimum of £1 a year child maintenance- they never had that written in and as a result could never get that varied - their child is now in their late 20s and this was in Scotland so not sure if that’s true in England?

He’s made an offer this afternoon on the house he wants.

No £1 per year spousal.

Child maintenance is enforced my CMS and only really takes in number overnights which has them and ignores any divorce settlement etc

How are the kids now?

Kids a bit up and down - he’s being very regimented with them which isn’t going down well. But they’re ok.

He’s now doubting the offer that he’s put in. That the kids deserve a bigger house and am I going to pull a big house out of thin air so they won’t want to be with him, and it’s all so depressing, and maybe he should just throw it all away and move somewhere else. On and on.

I said that we can talk about it in mediation but that he needs to start taking decisions for himself. That if he wants to be involved with the children he needs to stay local.

He then started wittering on about the sofa bed and that it’s too big and we’ll need to sell it and other furniture we’ve got that won’t fit in a new house and on and on.

He sounds draining, OP.
More for you. With a dash of

FFS I hope you find a rental soon!!

Dear Lord he is such an Eyore and incapable of even considering the DC needs!

What was quite entertaining was when I asked him if he’d spoken to the DC about if there is anything they would really like in their new house. He looked at me like

They’ve told me all they want is a proper sized garden so they can have a swing and a bath or shower which is big enough for us all to get in so we can carry on having Musical Mummy Water Time 😂

He’s barely thought about them.

God, he’s an annoying, whiny, pain in the arse isn’t he?

You need earplugs. Then you can smile and make non-committal noises at all his rubbish without actually having to listen to any of it. Sanity saving, that would be. Or could you get him a tent for the garden?

God forbid he could actually talk to them about what is going to happen and the ways their lives will be affected. That alone speaks volumes about the differences in yours and his relationships with them.

He just can’t accept that you are no longer his mummy who puts him first in everything, soothes his fevered brow when he’s worried and applied band aids when he has a boo boo.