Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Very telling. But it’s obviously the right decision. X

great news on the Offer 🌺

Can you take the curtains with you??

Very telling though!

Start visualizing beautiful, crisp white curtains blowing in the sunlight. (I realise that there won’t be golden sunlight for many more months, but this visual may help you feel clean and clear of this Dementor of a man.)

Great news about the offer 🙂

Ooh, did you all hear that? It wasn't an earthquake... it was STBXH roaring in horror when he found out how much mediation costs!

What. A. Morning.

"That's nice". And breathe. And walk away.

I'm struggling so much with the fact that I've basically been married to an absolute idiot for 8 years. Didn't everyone KNOW? Why couldn't I see it? I'm re-evaluating so much. Why did no one tell me? Why is no one telling me now? Is it in case I don't go through with it?

DD1 has started acting up again, which doesn't help. Love her, she doesn't like change. Oh, and there's some family stuff going on as well. Never rains but it pours.

I'd love white curtains @justilou1 but I have a tabby cat. She ALSO loves them. So the bottom foot of them always ends up covered in fur

They wanted the downstairs curtains and negotiated them as part of the offer @RandomMess - to be fair I have very tall windows so the chance of them fitting somewhere else is quite small.

Off to a friends tomorrow for the night. She's married to an even bigger idiot. Except she knows it and she's staying with him in spite of numerous affairs. At least he's overseas.

@dexterslockedintheshedagain do I know you? That's almost exactly what someone else said to me yesterday...!

Perhaps people did try and tell you but you were in "lurve" and he was putting on Mr Nice Guy all the time so you ignored the niggling doubts...

@StuckInPollyannaMode if you know any short, tubby, ginger midlanders it could be me
But it must be true if someone else said it too!

You know what op, I feel the same about my exdh. How did I not realise what a thick idiot he was. I'm embarrassed that I married someone like that and my friends actually met him and knew I willingly married him - oh the horror 😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Nice to know I’m not alone!!

Didn’t speak to anyone of that description yesterday @dexterslockedintheshedagain so we’re in the clear!

We were all young and dumb once, OP... forgive yourself. The fact that Ross... er, STBEX, is a frequent flyer in the divorce courts is telling you that he was um... young once.

It's been quite a weekend. Geller has taken the children out for a walk, and I've had a long natter with an accountant friend of mine about money.

On Friday our buyers got an offer on their house. Still waiting to hear details, but things are now moving a bit faster than I'd anticipated.

Last night he sat down with a glass of wine and told me he's found a house. That he's considering offering on.

It's taking some time to get my head round this. His argument is that no one can say where we live and as long as we have sorted the finances out ourselves that we can just go and get it signed off without the costs of solicitors. That as long as we have an agreement that the actual process of getting divorced is something that can wait until the no fault divorce comes in next autumn.

His proposal is that I take 3/4 of the house equity, he takes 1/4. That gives us both a roughly equal amount to be able to buy a similar level of housing. He's accounted for paying off debts and buying me a new car in that sum, before the equity is divided. That I take 1/4 of his pension from the company he joined 18 months after we got married.

In his words, this is an 'extraordinarily good deal for you'.

Is it? Or am I being shafted?

I know that nothing can be set in stone without lawyers and I was rather gobsmacked by it all. I said nothing, mainly sat there with my mouth open.

Hmm over all what share of the assets do you get?

I think he is keen because

1. It's a good deal for him
2. He wants this house he's seen
3. The bachelor life suits him
4. He is desperate for no fault divorce
5. He wants some power back.

I would still run it by shit hot lawyer

I also think he is ignoring that you have facilitated his career and half his current pension should be yours...

Yes, if he's offering it, you're being shafted. Accept nothing until your lawyer agrees it's a good deal.

Don't agree to it without seeing a solicitor. I would be amazed if its a good deal for you

Don't even get me started on the recognition of me giving up my career (and the fact that it was my house in the first place which enabled us to have the equity for this place!)

SHL said that was irrelevant, about who brought what to the table. That the courts would want us to have an equitable standard of living post divorce. This does that.

I agree the pensions still need to be looked at. But to be clear, it's not masses we're talking about - way less than the house equity.

Overall share of assets would be 70% to me, 30% to him. Excluding pensions. AND I'd have no debts.

Oh, and he seems to be rethinking the children 50/50. Because he had a discussion with his boss on Friday who really wants him to give it his all for the next 10 years so perhaps we can talk about him having them 30 or 40 % of the time.

Still no word from him on maintenance though. I'm saving those big guns for mediation as I will lose my shit.

PS Geller is from Ross Geller, not his actual name!

@BlueThistles

Yes, if he's offering it, you're being shafted. Accept nothing until your lawyer agrees it's a good deal.

This.

If it’s such a good deal then your SHL will agree with him.

Is it in any way possible that he has assets you don't know about? Does he have a pension from before you got married? Could he have any savings squirreled away? It does seem generous to you, but there are likely to be things in there that neither of you have considered, such as the costs of solicitors, child maintenance (he clearly hasn't thought about that) and so on. Definitely run it by a solicitor, but also consider a forensic accountant to make sure he's being up front. And before you agree anything get up to date values of all assets. If it turns out his pension is worth a lot more than you think, you might be agreeing to something not in your interests.

I think that I would be saying that you should both complete a Form E and he should put his offer in writing so that you can have a good think about it (ie run it by a solicitor!)

Once he has competed his Fotm E and handed over a years worth of bank statements, pensions, pay slips, credit card statements, etc, you may be able to look through with a fine tooth comb to see if there may be other savings/assets you don't know about.

As others have said, don't agree to anything. If you do come to an agreement about finances, I don't see the point in waiting to apply for the divorce. There is always the threat that you could go back for more, or him for less if you do not divorce straight away and agree a clean break.

If he is likely to earn a lot over the next few years, there is the question of spousal maintenance too.

It’s happening fast but that’s probably for the best as you are getting to your new life quicker x

I think he might want to avoid having to reveal all his assets

I strongly suspect he's taken some advice from a legal professional and is offering this deal to avoid him having to disclose all his assets.

I'd stay with mediation where he has to disclose pensions etc. At this point you'll not get the whole picture as he could hide savings etc. But it's a starter for 10. Speak to your solicitor and see what they say to his proposal

I strongly suspect he's taken some advice from a legal professional and is offering this deal to avoid him having to disclose all his assets.

agreed