Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

So much to think about.

Yes, 2 bed, the girls would need to go into bunk beds.

Would my name need to be on the tenancy to get benefits?

I have phoned every day since Monday!

Yes your name would.

It also shows that he sole benefit of the property from moving out.

Why are you worried about going on the tenancy?

Hi OP,

Been lurking but wanted to say how brave I think you are. Taken inspiration from you! Won't go into details, may start my own thread someday.
You've already taken the first step and that is being mentally prepared. I know how hard it is to to overcome years of being worn down by control and manipulation.

Good luck!

Thank you @lemmeavabru but I don’t feel very brave right now! I hope you’re ok.

I am having a massive massive wobble. Been awake since 4am.

Am I doing the right thing? Or shooting myself in the foot? Is that house too small? Will the kids be ok? Will they ever forgive me? Is this all moving too fast? Can I afford it? How will I cope? What will I do when he has the kids and I’m just on my own? How can I make him see 50/50 isn’t going to happen?

I thought I was all sorted but now I’m just scared and terrified and should I do it or not?

The thought of a long weekend without the kids is what stops me

When you start 50:50 and tell him unless one of the DC is admitted to hospital he can't contact you and he can't handle it...

The small cottage won't be forever. Likely a year whilst the finances get sorted out and then you will be ready to buy elsewhere with your lump sum, earnings whether it be shared ownership or your parents being guarantor etc.

You can't stay with him and be happy, thenDDs are witnessing an awful marital dynamic.

TBH I would move out with the DC and tell him you will not agree to 50:50 as you don't believe it's in their best interests.

Let him have Thursday after school to Monday EOW to start with. Pretty sure one of them will be off school soon tbh.

Or make it so October half term is his week and he says he can't look after them...

Also when you move out you change the DDs address and contact details everywhere - school, dentist, Dr, hospital, child benefit!!

Ring up and put in a case for child maintenance via CMS and state it is fighting you getting CB even though you are divorcing and moving out due to financial abuse, the may be able to back date once you get the CB sorted.

Feeling better today, thanks for the support yesterday. I finally cried and then couldn’t stop! Long walk and a long nap yesterday helped. My friends are being amazing, coming up with lots of great and creative ideas to help. Heading home after lunch and I’ve only had 2 messages from him, I know the kids are fine but I’m missing them so much.

On the other hand, I have laughed like a drain, played board games, eaten like a piggy, drunk some lovely wines and watched the entire of Staged - highly recommend it, very amusing. One of my friends said that I’ve been unraveling like a tangled piece of string this weekend and that every time she sees me I’m looking a little bit better than before. I’m feeling a lot more positive, I know what I’m doing with some of my stuff, this is short term pain for long term gain. I feel like I’ve been reset. And I’ve still got another walk to go!

I’m fine about going on the tenancy @RandomMess, sorry if I gave the impression I wasn’t!

Next hurdle is when to tell the children and how to tell them. Their therapist has suggested we do so before the sale bird goes up, so it’s got to be this week some time. H is all droopy and depressed about it ‘they’re going to be DEVASTATED and it’s going to be a DISASTER’ whereas I’m a bit more ...level headed, shall we say.

Any suggestions welcome.

Kids are very random when you tell them news like this IME. They can seem totally cool and then be angry or upset some time later. Or they can ask endless questions and then you get upset because you can’t answer them all.

They might cry a little but they are unlikely to be “ devastated “. They will want to be reassured about where they are living, who with and what about their school / nursery / childminder , toys, friends and any pets.

That can be hard - when they ask more about Melissa their best friend next door than you.

They usually don’t need a lot of Detailed reasons for why you are splitting , beyond that although you still like each other and will try to still be nice to each other, you don’t want to Live together / stay married anymore and you are going to get a divorce.

You can say you have tried to fix it for a while but it’s not worked.

If they ask why you can say it’s for complicated adult reasons and they will understand more when they are adults , but it’s not anything to do with them and it’s not because of anything they have done .It’s all because of you and him.

It’s really important they know that they are not responsible in any way.

Often they don’t ask anything about that and will be more concerned about a hamster etc

Sometimes they will ask if you have a GF/Bf , if they have a Friend whose parents have divorced and are more knowledgable and I assume you can both answer honestly.

They may ask all the same questions randomly over the next few days / weeks / months , at totally unexpected times. Going round the supermarket

“ Do we need to buy x for daddy? “
“ No we don’t, Daddy will buy x for himself “.
“ So why did doesn’t he live with us anymore? “

That’s really really helpful, thank you

You’re welcome , just my experience.

I hope it goes as well as it can and that your husband stops his pity party/ desire for drama and puts his kids first for once.

I know that the “ still like each other “ is stretching the truth a bit right now, but just so they know you will try to be polite and you don’t hate each other ( even though you probably do right now ) and they won’t have to be involved in fights and arguments.

We had the repeat questions a lot after a family bereavement. Crossing the road “ So why did X die again ? “ . Never at the time you would expect it.

In the end I had a set phase which I could repeat

“ He got very sick and went into hospital. The doctors tried really hard to make him better but they couldn’t so he died “.

Which was easier to deal with than feeling the emotions each time. At first it feels like a punch in the gut each time they ask, but it gets easier.

“ When is Daddy coming home ? “ < knife to your heart >
“ He is at his own house, remember you went there last weekend “
“ Oh yes I remember now. We had chips for tea”

Cue you feeling you have ruined their young lives while they witter on about chips and dad having more tomato ketchup or blue plates or allowing them lemonade for breakfast.

You're doing so well! Grey rock him and kOKO

Post

Well, what a fun return from a weekend away that was. Walk into the house to the sound of him and the kids arguing, with them in floods of tears and him shouting.

It didn’t improve from thereon in.

After dinner and kids bedtime, I was making a cup of tea and he ambushed me. I am, apparently, treating him with disdain and contempt. He asked if I was ‘of the same mind’ and I flippantly said ‘of sane mind? Yes’ and he just let rip.

He will fight me for 50/50, if we’re doing this we’re doing it properly. Apparently it’s irrelevant that I am concerned about how this will happen given his job and I shouldn’t question his love for the children and he hopes that we have a good enough relationship to be able to flex and discuss it.

He wants me to make a contribution towards the cost of the house photos as he doesn’t see why he should bear the cost.

He’s sent a nice message to my parents and asked them for Christmas. He’s got some thoughts on how he can stay in touch with friends (MY friends of 20+ years).

He also doesn’t want to sell the house, so I have any ideas on how he can keep it?

Oh, and he feels as a middle aged man, that he just needs to move on with his life.

That he would on one level quite happily never see me again.

He thinks the parenting plan is quite unnecessary and he hasn’t had time to look at it over the past ten days as he has been so busy.

Where should he go to occupy the time when the estate agents want to book viewings?

That I look tired, and this says this is the wrong decision, and he’s now unable to sleep past 3am so we’d be better off stopping this charade.

I just finished making my tea and went to bed. Has he always been this much of an overbearing idiot?!

Clinging on for this house appointment- I just hope its not too small. Am I doing the wrong thing moving out though? Honestly not sure how much longer I can cope with all this endless rehashing and going round in circles.

What I’m inclined to do is move out with the kids and unleash the lawyer. Just let her sort it out. I’m done.

Honestly OP I've lurked on this board from the beginning, and your previous thread but never really had the words to put down for you.

You've had some amazing advice on here - I just wanted to say you're incredible. You've stayed strong and dignified throughout and your kids will be absolutely fine.

Do not let him guilt you into thinking you are ruining their lives. You're teaching them to aim high and raise their standards.

He's he's hurting bla bla bla but this isn't a picnic for you and now you're facing the controlling, manipulative strategies to make you the bad guy.

Unleash the SHL - this man thinks so little of you he thinks that he can ambush you one evening and make you change your mind.

He is not going to be fair or reasonable so yep move out with the DC and unleash the SHL.

He couldn't manage the DC for a weekend...

He thinks the parenting plan is quite unnecessary and he hasn’t had time to look at it over the past ten days as he has been so busy.

Yet he wants to fight for 50/50?!!! He can't find 30 mins in 10 days to look at a plan, how's he going to look after children?!

The man's a delusional fool!
FGS move out. You are acting with complete and utter dignity. He, on the other hand...

OP, I can see exactly why you want to move out. I would worry though that he will stall the house sale. Are you in a position to rent for quite a while (if need be?), in case you have to go to court to get him ordered to sell the house? Is there any way that you can get him to move out instead?

he hopes that we have a good enough relationship to be able to flex and discuss it

He thinks the parenting plan is quite unnecessary and he hasn’t had time to look at it over the past ten days as he has been so busy

Every mother reading this knows EXACTLY what it means.

“ I don’t need to read the plan because it’s not relevant to me. I expect you to continue organising your life around me and allow me to do the nice bits of parenting when I feel like it and I can fit it into my busy schedule. Any flexibility will be all one way. “

I’m tempted to agree about releasing the SHL but the problem is they are not cheap. However it looks like he’s unwilling to agree anything unless he’s forced to do so.

And I can understand how hard it is to live with such a self important twit. I’m assuming all that pompous blustering is how he behaves at work.

Absolutely unleash the SHL! He is sabotaging your life and that of your kids just to satisfy his power-tripping little ego. Let go of the house you’re living in and move into the cottage and get some peace and quiet without his constant blah blah-ing and wah wah-ing. (I suspect your kids will be in clover, tbh!)

Also it means you can start EOW and then he demands 50:50 start with Thursday after school to Monday then next time Wednesday after school to Monday he will soon be trying to get you to do x y z proving he is incapable!

Erm. The cottage is a no go.

It's tiny. Hobbit sized. I had to go up and down stairs with my hands, they were so steep.

I mean, gorgeous, but I couldn't even stand up straight on the second floor! The ceilings were terribly low. Plan B...

I've been home all afternoon dealing with something which is a fairly big deal - it's hit the national press - and he's been shouting away on conference calls all afternoon. He's SUCH a mansplainer. He can't let anyone do anything, he's just holding onto everything. Absolutely yes to pomposity.

Oh, and apparently I'm looking at him funnily. He's not the big bad wolf. And all this is moving so fast for him and he's completely stressed out by it all.

Oh, and to top it off, my lovely cleaner didn't come today because she's not well. Just one more thing to deal with ahead of tomorrow's photos.

@Daftapath I can't afford to run this house without him in it - my entire salary doesn't cover the mortgage!

The dignity is running low on the ground, but thank you for saying I'm trying! @dexterslockedintheshedagain

Thanks @zippityzip - I don't feel incredible, I'm still doubting myself and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I can see where I'll be in 2 years time, but it's getting there that is the problem.