Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Does he think he’s moving in with you? (He’s deluded enough!) Glad you have found a solicitor you’re happy with. Wouldn’t be surprised if your twat husband is a vexatious litigant and you find yourself hanging out with solicitor a lot.

@ StuckInPollyannaMode

I know it doesn't feel much like it, but you are making progress.

Whose name is the house in ? If it's just in his name, then do not sell until you have a settlement agreement done with solicitors. (unless your solicitor is receiving the sale money, to divide as agreed - not50/50 because you will still have the kids to house/ clothe/ feed until that is settled too !)

You need to know how the sale money is to be paid (his bank account, your bank account, joint bank account ?) because he is deluded enough to go and buy another big house (using most of the money), in the deluded assumption that he'll persuade you to stay together !

There's nothing stopping you renting meantime, and getting child access sorted (i.e. he sees that he cannot do 50/50 therefore you have to get more of the asset split and child maintenance too).

It will take time, but it will be sorted and over eventually, I promise.

If your name isn't on the deeds of the house you need to a register an interest in it.

I suspect he keeps trying to come up with ways to co-parent / co-habit because he can claim he's doing 50% but he knows the reality will be you doing most of the childcare and housework.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I’m early 40s. Children are 7 (twins). He’s early 50s.

I’m making plans. Practically haunting RightMove 😂

I’m just feel nothing. I’m numb.

I'm the same - i'm 40 he's 53 2 kids he doesn't want a divorce either but I feel exactly the same way u just described. its awful and I want to run away and he is being unbearable. Lawyers are negotiating. I hope you can get moving on with ur life too. Not much to say other than I sympathise with u xx

I got a mortgage based on 2 years self employed tax returns but had to use a broker. Ended up very mainstream Santander mortgage. They took into account child tax credits and 'voluntary maintenance' during the previous year.

Oh and child benefit counts as income.

Make sure you claim CB. You're no longer going to be taxed on it as your income is modest

I think if your relationship breaks down and you are on universal credit there is a “ grace period” for the equity . There is an excellent Facebook site Universal Credit Essential whose advisors are brilliant who can provide accurate information .

I’ve signed up to that FB group, thank you so much

Sorry to hear others are in this situation

Have a friend staying for a couple of days. She’s helping me with sorting the attic out and paperwork and finances. Really helpful to have someone questioning why I’m keeping certain things!

I know there’s a bigger picture but the news about no back to offices if you’re not a keyworker has massively depressed me. I was living for that one day a week when he was out to make my phone calls and just sort stuff out and breathe without him in the house. Not sure how much longer I can carry on - the atmosphere in the house when it’s just us is so toxic.

Yes, my name is on the house and on the mortgage. Photos being taken next week.

I’ve taken to emailing him. I’ve said I don’t think 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids. He now wants to talk. I want to hide.

At least Bake Off starts tonight, right?!

@updownroundandround thank you - all points on the list for us to discuss (or me to demand!)

Oh, and he’s written to my parents as well. A ‘last ditch attempt to make her see sense’

@ StuckInPollyannaMode

Thank God that Bake Off is coming !! Yayyy ! I hope it will help distract/ relax you for a wee while.

Maybe start having looooong baths or something when the atmosphere gets too much

Yeah, the letter to your parents really shows that he's finally realized that you're not changing your mind, despite his repeated attempts to ''get you to see sense'', so he's calling in the big guns as rear support in his fight to keep his life the way he likes it !

It's actually a huge win for you, because he's scraping the bottom of his emotional barrel for anything to try to break you. So it means he's actually running out of ideas !

You ARE making progress and HE knows it too !

You and your DC are closer than ever to having a lovely, peaceful life with no drama.
You're reaching the end of the beginning. Then the solicitors take over, and ''it's all done bar the shouting'', as they say.

Stay strong and focused, but above all enjoy Bake Off !

Tell him it's not up for "discussion" he can make proposals via email.

Thought he had already agreed to EOW and one overnight during the week plus extra in holidays, as he renegaded on his agreement already??!!

He really REALLY can’t cope with you not doing as you are told, can he?

Seems he hasn't yet realised you really mean it. Sorry to say it but I think he will turn nasty (nastier!) when the penny finally drops. Stay strong. You have achieved so much in a relatively short period of time, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are moving towards it every day.

Well, the attic is clear and sorted, tip runs done and house nearly ready for photos bar some cleaning.

He’s sat on his backside all day on his terribly important conference calls watching us run up and down stairs carrying stuff, shushing us from time to time.

Apparently, I’ve got stars in my eyes if I think the house will get anywhere near what the agent predicts, and then I won’t be able to afford to move out so we’ll have to think again.

He’s told his work, who are apparently very concerned about his mental health as he has sooooo much on his plate.

Gin. Gin, and more gin. It’s like living with Eeyore.

Very VERY much enjoyed Bake Off, not laughed like that for months! Friend and I have also been watching and greatly appreciating the gentleness of All Creatures Great and Small.

Off to Wales this weekend. Need the break. Hoping for lots of long (possibly soggy!) walks, wine and girly camaraderie to see me through the next stage.

@RandomMess he’s convinced he can do 50/50. There’s no budging him. Even though he’s fallen at the first hurdle - can’t do either of DT1s medical appointments next week!

[quote StuckInPollyannaMode]@RandomMess he’s convinced he can do 50/50. There’s no budging him. Even though he’s fallen at the first hurdle - can’t do either of DT1s medical appointments next week![/quote]
Don’t be silly ! He can’t do the kind of 50:50 that involved doing things for his own kids now, when there’s no benefit to him.

He can only do the kind of 50:50 that saves him money and allows him to show off what a great father he is.

Tell him you need to trial 50:50 starting from Monday (his week) else your will fight it tooth and nail.

Watch him bluster...

I would literally find somewhere else to live EOW, let him face the harsh reality...

[quote StuckInPollyannaMode]@RandomMess he’s convinced he can do 50/50. There’s no budging him. Even though he’s fallen at the first hurdle - can’t do either of DT1s medical appointments next week![/quote]
Er - 50/50 means he’ll have to sort himself for appointments it’s as simple as that.

If he can’t rearrange his work schedule now then guaranteed he won’t do it down the road.

Enjoy your break 🍷🍰

Then what's happening with the appointment? Are you taking care of it?

Yes I’m doing it - it’s important and urgent

I have news. There’s a titchy cottage come on in the village to rent. Available from mid-November. Going to see it on Monday. Rather than hens teeth. I know it, and it’s perfect breathing space for me. £800 a month.

Spoke to my parents. They are willing to rent it, and I can sublet it from then for either a peppercorn rent or cover the rent in full. Or just bills.

Is this madness? I can move slowly, or just have somewhere to disappear to, or move permanently depending on house sale. We already have quite a bit of interest in the house and it hasn’t even gone on the market yet.

I assume the cottage is big enough for the 3 of you?

If so do it.

I would rent it in your name with your parents as guarantors.

You should be able to claim universal credit for a year or so including the housing elemental provided you can evidence that are divorcing and selling the house etc.

How is the battle of the child benefit going? You really need to sort that as a priority.

Ringing every day to ask how to claim it when you are moving out with the DC and you are and always have been primary carer.