Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

I see ZERO signs that he loves the OP.

I see a lot of signs that he’s distraught at the thought of all the adulting and parenting He’s going to have to do for himself when he no longer has an in house service human.

@Guineapigbridge

I kind of feel sorry for him. He obviously loves you OP and is distraught at all this. He's probably concerned for the children having seen the effects its had on his eldest (who you've explained is largely estranged from him now). It must be hard on him. Continue to try to be kind even though he's annoying to you.

Wtf?

He only loves himself. Everything is about him - it's all me, me, me.

It's not OP's j

It's not OP's responsibility to be kind and make him happy.

Ha! Fuck that shit! It takes a LOT of unkindness to make a woman break and get to this stage. He’s been bloody horrible!!!

I have been nothing but bloody kind and accommodating and nice. Why do you think I'm in this mess? And I'm continuing to do so in the face of extreme provocation. Because that's what's best for the kids.

He's been the one who's done all the shouting and walking off and intimidating.

I have just received a really really horrible email from my MIL.

Going to go and buy some chocolate.

At least you can block your MIL now if she wants a relationship with the kids her son will have to facilitate it. You never have to engage with her again.

TWO less arseholes in your life!!! Winning already!

I would ignore it and block her. I speak from experience. In hindsight I wish I’d never responded to my MIL’s crap.

I'm eating an ice cream and rising above it.

He's apologised for it. Hey ho.

He suggested this weekend that as I was being SO unreasonable about child maintenance that I should speak to someone rational and level headed so they could tell me how ridiculous my demands were.

Then suggested that person was my brother.

Oh, how I laughed.

Struggling to get my head round something.

So we sell here and split the assets however. I think the best thing to do would be to go into rented and wait to sort the assets out and for a financial agreement, because whilst we're still married then anything that is bought is a joint asset (this is also why my parents shouldn't help me - not that I want them to)

However, I then can't claim benefits because my capital will be in excess of £16,000. Whereas if i bought then I'd be able to claim benefits to live on. Without anything else at all I'll have to live on 1k a month, which is rather tight. That assumes he doesn't pay child maintenance by the way.

Yet I can't get a mortgage, even though I might have a solid deposit, because I won't have enough coming in. So I'll eat into the capital.

How do I square the triangle?

To be clear, I don't want to go onto benefits, but if I've invested the capital in a house then I will either then be able to eat and pay bills, or pay the mortgage.

Am I missing something?

This is the main stick that he's metaphorically beating me with by the way, that I can't afford to live apart from him.

I don't think I can afford not to.

You remain in the family house until it's sold.

You have Form E and work out how much you are going to get...

I would look at shared ownership tbh buy your share with cash, rent the rest.

Push hard to get the finances settled ASAP but the house will not escalate massively in value whilst it's sorted anymore than his will...

You need to sort out child benefit urgently to start claiming CMS - you can do this whilst still living together....

You can refuse to sell until the finances are sorted...

You need to push child benefit and Form E - really doggedly.

No wifework for him, you share the house as room mates. He can do 50% of the cleaning too.

No laundry, no cooking, no shopping for him. Once you have CB you can also claim for UC as a single parent - again you will have to explain that you are divorcing, he is financially abusive and you live entirely apart.

Own kitchen cupboards own shelves in fridge.

If you go via the cms to sort child maint you can use that income as part of your monthly income and include benefits etc

Bit late to this OP but having been through a two and a half year (very messy, antagonistic and expensive!) divorce saga, I feel for you!

You need to both complete the financial disclosure, Form E, asap. There is no point negotiating until you have an idea of what the total 'pot' is. Once that is done, I would stop discussing it with him unless you are in mediation. There is no point going around in circles at home as any agreement will not be legally binding and he could go back on anything you agree (as can you!)

I would plan to stay in the family for now, until you have an agreement in place.

You really need legal advice and at some point financial advice but go for that on your own, not with stbxh!

I think that I would be encouraging him to rent somewhere rather than buy. He should check whether there would be capital gains to pay if he has another main property - I'm not too clear on the rule for this.

He’s not going to be totally transparent with his financial discovery. You’re going to have to tell him you’re going to get a forensic accountant and that will get him in the shit with tax, etc.... He’s going to have to buy brown undies

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Struggling to get my head round something.

So we sell here and split the assets however. I think the best thing to do would be to go into rented and wait to sort the assets out and for a financial agreement, because whilst we're still married then anything that is bought is a joint asset (this is also why my parents shouldn't help me - not that I want them to)

However, I then can't claim benefits because my capital will be in excess of £16,000. Whereas if i bought then I'd be able to claim benefits to live on. Without anything else at all I'll have to live on 1k a month, which is rather tight. That assumes he doesn't pay child maintenance by the way.

Yet I can't get a mortgage, even though I might have a solid deposit, because I won't have enough coming in. So I'll eat into the capital.

How do I square the triangle?

To be clear, I don't want to go onto benefits, but if I've invested the capital in a house then I will either then be able to eat and pay bills, or pay the mortgage.

Am I missing something?

I thought you had seen a lawyer ? You started this post 16 Aug - there is no way you will have had CETVs yet for pensions .

Sorry for silence. Been a bit of a week and I stepped away from the thread for a bit.

I have made a conscious decision to just get the house sold and go into rented and then let the solicitor hash out the money. I spoke to another solicitor on Wednesday and she was great, so I’m going to use her when the time is right. Not going to kick things off until we’ve moved out because he’s being difficult and it will just add fuel to the fire, and I’m only just hanging on as it is.

He’s continuing to try and blackmail me financially and is determined I won’t manage without him.

I’ve said that as he refuses to pay maintenance then he will need to have the children 50/50 which he has agreed to (won’t stick to it) but it breaks my heart. Whenever we discuss the children he’s stating that the best thing for them is for us to stay together so keeps coming up with ludicrous suggestions which is really difficult.

I’ve had a big wobble this week about whether I’m doing the right thing.

I can see where I’ll be in a year or two, and I’m happy with that, but I can’t see how the next year is going to be other than bloody horrid.

Sorry he’s being such an arse but glad to hear that you’ve reached a decision on how to proceed.

The wobble just means that his manipulation is partially working, @StuckInPollyannaMode.

But you're clued in enough to recognise it and that's great.

I think renting is a good idea. If only for peace of mind. And you will be able to think MUCH more clearly when you're away from his incessant waffle and ludicrous suggestions.

Hang in there.

OP
First off - sorry. I know how hard it all is having been through divorce myself and having watched friends go through it.

Second. You will get through it, eventually. It will get worse before getting better. Men often go all kinds of crazy and act appallingly where money is concerned. But in the end - they come to Earth and realise that rules are rules and they will have to do things they done like.

Finally. I know you are set on what you want happen. But have you asked a solicitor if, for example, you may use Mesher order to keep the house until kids grow up?
And I would absolutely not sell the house before settlement is reached.
And, maintenance isn’t something he can agree or not agree to. He doesn’t get to chose. If he earns significantly more than you - even 50/50 doesn’t get him out of it. It all depends.
I am not sure it’s in your kids best interest for you to force 50/50 on him.

It feels like you need a better solicitor to guide you. Or you need to listen to the one you got. You are in shock now and acting on emotion - and thus may not make the best decisions as to how to manage all this.
Take a breath and realise it will be a long and stressful process. And plan for the best way to go through it.

He will have to pay maintenance if you take him through the proper channels ie CMS

OP if he is salaried, he will have to pay you maintenance. If need be it can be taken straight from his salary.

I am in agreement with previous poster that selling the house before settlement has been agreed is not a good idea. Have you discussed this point specifically with your shl?
You could end up with the house sold and him with all the money!

He can argue jack shit all he likes and even with 50:50 if he is a much higher earner than you CMS may still make him pay.

When you start this supposed 50:50 do not get involved at all on his week. I would refuse to settle asset split until he trials 50:50 and proves he is incapable of it and therefore you need a larger share of assets and will be entitled to CMS. You will likely get more than 50% because you sacrificed your career for his!

Yes I spoke to solicitor about whether or not putting the house on the market is the right thing to do. The problem is threefold - I can’t afford to run the house alone (and he won’t be able to afford one in addition) - I don’t like the house so am happy to sell - and the potential crash ahead in the property market means it’s better to realise the asset and release the equity.

Plus we’d be over housed if we stay here. We’d rattle! All the more of an argument from his side.

I think I’m getting an ulcer.

Next step, to try and complete the CAFCASS Parenting Plan to make him realise that he is completely unrealistic about having the kids 50/50