Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

Oh - and latest concern. Should I change my name back to my maiden name? Or will it feel weird to not have the same surname as the kids? I love my maiden name. And when I spell his all I can hear is him saying it in this strange little rhyme - say it’s Smith - he goes ‘ess EMMMMMM aye Teeeeee Haitch’ which drives me up the wall. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a perfectly fine name. I’m just not sure how I’ll feel about being Mrs Smith when I’m not.

I agree with PP, you really need a forensic accountant and you need to hand everything to the SHL. Keep as busy as possible, so he doesn’t keep trying to distract and manipulate you. Personally, I’d tell him unless it’s something related to the DC, you will not discuss anything with him.

Re: your name. If you had the same surname as the DC, it may make it easier travelling abroad IYSWIM. Alternatively, you could double barrel the names? I have a double barrelled surname and sometimes I just use part of it, so it’s only really used on my passport etc.

It's shit isn't it?

I sat through a court session in France this week where stbxh's rottweiler of a barrister talked about our happy marriage. However she couldn't explain 65k in a bank account he'd declared.

Anyway I don't want to hijack your thread. I'm posting about insomnia. I've suffered no end of sleepless nights despite various forms of diazepam, atarax etc. for the 3 years of our separation. Finally, I've started taking melatonin capsules and, thankfully, most nights I manage to get to sleep. Might be worth a try.

Yay to cactus. Just don’t water it too much or it’ll rot. Once a week max in summer and less in winter. They’re very low maintenance.

Also, he wants to not pay maintenance, and you to put his bed together! Sheesh

You can't buy melatonin over the counter in the UK 😭

I change back to my maiden name as I hated my married one. I don't find it weird at all but having the same surname as my kids, it's never caused me any issues

@StuckInPollyannaMode

He's going to pay for childcare so he can carry on working during the holidays.

Honestly, this is laughable.

I'm getting so tired of this shit. Now he wants to have a pot from the assets to buy replacement items that the other one will take - ie the hoover, KitchenAid etc.

Oh, and can we have a family dinner together once a week. Now that I'm actually not against, it'll be good for the kids, but I said fine, one week yours, one week mine, and that surprised him. I think he thought I'd be doing a dinner party for him each week. Nope.

From your posts it sounds as if you need to read a basic book about what can happen in divorce e.g. you staying on in house until children are of age then split equity ... I hear you talk about pensions but have you organised a CETV for them to get the real value of these ? Have you done a Form E ? You can see them online . Never trade equity instead of a pension. Pensions are way more valuable going forward .

@RandomMess

You can't buy melatonin over the counter in the UK 😭

You can get cherry juice which has a similar effect to melatonin. I think I read about it on here recently.

www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/holland-barrett-montmorency-cherry-juice-concentrate-60060313

Supposed health benefits

www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-tart-cherry-juice-benefits#section2

No not done a Form E yet. Know we both need to.

Interesting...very interesting...I just found his pension documents.

There’s a considerable sum in there. £140k.

Yes I probably do need a book! I know I must sound very naive, because I am.

We’ve had another big row this morning. He just doesn’t see that he has a moral, if not a legal, obligation to pay towards the costs of the children. He refuses to pay ‘two gas bills and two electricity bills’

This is going to get nasty isn’t it?

He’s telling his mum this weekend.

Sorry to hear you’re also going through this @newtb. Give my love to France, I’ve family in the Haute Savoie, heaven knows when I’ll see them again!

Even if he pays for childcare in the holidays erm why should you be doing the arranging and picking up and dropping off, is he planning on only having 2 weeks leave with them?

Does he realise he will have to have them on the Friday, Monday and weekday when they would usually be at school??!

You need 2 x year planners and mark done the days he will be having them and tell him to sort out childcare or take leave!!

You are not his servant anymore....

He need to have them 6 full weeks per year or he will be pay more maintenance!!

Just stick with CMS don't bother with childcare etc he will use it to control and criticise...

Re names - I’ve never had the same surname as my children and it’s never caused any problems- anywhere, ever. We have travelled abroad frequently without their father. However my name is on their passports as their middle name, so I don’t know if that’s made any difference.

My kids school call me Mrs TheirSurname and that’s the only place I don’t correct it. It’s a big school and I understand that convention is just easier than remembering two names for each of the 150 kids they teach.

In other places like hospitals they just ask if you are the child’s mum - they don’t care what your name is.

No one has ever asked or assumed that I’m divorced - I’m not. If anyone ever asks about names I say that neither of us changed on names on marriage , followed by a Paddington hard stare.

Yes it’s going to get nasty.

Was that his occupational pension? Doesn’t he have a private one as well.

I’d be amazed if you have £250K in equity and Only £140k in pensions. Most people have more in pensions. He’s hiding something.

If that’s all he’s got, why did he get a tax return?

@StuckInPollyannaMode

No not done a Form E yet. Know we both need to.

Interesting...very interesting...I just found his pension documents.

There’s a considerable sum in there. £140k.

Yes I probably do need a book! I know I must sound very naive, because I am.

We’ve had another big row this morning. He just doesn’t see that he has a moral, if not a legal, obligation to pay towards the costs of the children. He refuses to pay ‘two gas bills and two electricity bills’

This is going to get nasty isn’t it?

He’s telling his mum this weekend.

140 k is not a considerable sum once split. You need to request up to date CETVs of all pensions . May take a few weeks - months to get .

I suspect there’s more than one pension... this is the tip of the iceberg. You will be needing a forensic accountant. He’s blathering away trying to distract you with silly details for a reason, OP.

Well, he's found a house.

New build, so wants to put a deposit down. Asked that as he doesn't have that figure in cash if my parents would help him.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, and his heart is open if I want to go back. Can he have the bed out of the spare room and both children's beds. Plus the microwave.

I don't want the house. I don't particularly like it, and it's far too big for me and the kids to rattle around in.

I've told him that if he wants to avoid maintenance he'll have to have them 50% of the time. "But then how will I work?"

The words FUCK and OFF are rebounding around my skull and giving me a headache.

He’s fucking deluded.... Go see a lawyer tomorrow.

Just don't engage. Tell him you'll need to sell the house if he wants his equity for a deposit and to go to mediation to agree. Otherwise ignore him

He never carries the mental load for anything does he...

Wrote a list of things he needs to do to get the house sold...

It still sounds like he's only interested in me, me, me doesn't it ?

How is he going to get the deposit for new house, and who can help him with it. And he sees no irony in asking your parents for the money ????

How is he going to manage to work doing 50/50 ? And he sees no connection to 'how are you going to manage to do the same

He needs the kids beds and the one from the spare room so he doesn't need to buy or make up new beds doesn't he ? So how does he think you are going to manage to buy and make up the kids beds? Oh, wait...................it doesn't matter does it ? Because. it won't affect him will it ?

It's going to be quite a shock to him, all this real life work that goes into parenting and running a house isn't it ??
And I'll bet he still won't see how it could possibly be as important as his big precious job, will he ??

He's going to be all ''You need to do kids pick ups/drop offs or meals/ packed lunches or organize childcare as he doesn't have time, or you have to give me this/ that or do this/ that as he cannot possibly manage as he has to work ! don't ya know ??

Start as you mean to go on, and DO NOTHING FOR HIM, as he will only continue to expect your help/ contribution as his right as big breadwinner with big important job !

I'd suggest typing him up a list to 'help him' with contact details for;

1. school
2. dentist
3. GP
4. After school clubs/ holiday clubs
5. Any classes/ sports kids do.
6. Babysitter ( or whoever you would normally have asked if needed)

You can tell him that now he has all the same information as you, so he will be responsible for contacting whomever he needs to for the kids and arranging everything himself, just like a proper parent.
(Make sure you email and message it to his phone, so he can't say he doesn't have the info).

I agree... stop all the adulting for him. Just let him rot. Tell him to go away or straight out laugh in his face when he makes ludicrous demands. Remind him that he’s going to have to get real or get off the bus completely.

I’d be amazed if you have £250K in equity and Only £140k in pensions. Most people have more in pensions. He’s hiding something.
Don't forget he's been divorced before. Divorce halves your assets each time you do it.

I kind of feel sorry for him. He obviously loves you OP and is distraught at all this. He's probably concerned for the children having seen the effects its had on his eldest (who you've explained is largely estranged from him now). It must be hard on him. Continue to try to be kind even though he's annoying to you.

If he had been kind to her then she probably wouldn’t be divorcing him. Why is it only women who need to be kind ? Why do we ALWAYS have to put men’s needs before our own and our children’s ?