Last week I told DH I want a divorce

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Things have been very rocky for 8 months, going steadily downhill for 2 years. Not going to bore you with the details. We have 2 children.

He says no. A flat no, it’s not happening. He can’t do it. He’s been divorced before. He admits his behaviour over the last year hasn’t been good enough and he hasn’t been present or involved.

I’ve told him I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. He asked what love is anyway.

I can’t live in a sexless, affection less marriage for another 40 years. There have been ultimatums and serious discussions about separating before but he’s finally starting to pay it some attention.

He’s a good man and a good father. But he’s not listening. I think he thinks that if he keeps telling me it will all be ok that he’ll get his own way. I’ve agreed to counselling but we’ll be going into it with two very separate aims - his to make it work, mine to have an amicable divorce.

I’m absolutely sure of my decision. We’re good friends who have children. The spark is gone and we have very different views on what we want from life.

I don’t want it to get to the stage where we are arguing every day and lose all respect for each other. He thinks I’m being idealistic and we can sort it all out. But we can’t. I no longer desire him or want him as a partner. We’re basically room mates.

I know he was shocked, I know it takes time. But he can’t say no forever can he?

We both work, there’s no affair or anything.

How do I keep pushing this? Like so many things over the course of our marriage, I’m the one having to be the grown up and make the decision.

StuckInPollyannaMode Basically 'the mean counsellor doesn't agree with me so I want to get rid".

Mind you, my ex is trying to do the same thing, but with SS...

Well the gloves are coming off now.

We’ve had a massive fuck off row. Apparently I’m a women’s libber because I expect him to be able to commit to set days each week for childcare to sort out maintenance. My minimal contribution doesn’t recognise that he is the main breadwinner and he can’t be tied down to set days as he needs to be flexible.

Then the row continued and he dragged my family into it.

I’ve come to bed rather than kill him. Oh, and he STILL doesn’t understand why we can’t sort this out.

He REALLY doesn't get it, does he?!

Is the only commitment he can make is EOW so he doesn't need to house the DDs, you do and will need the lions share of the assets.

Hope you have a SHL.

Just crack on with serving the divorce papers and get the ball rolling.

Let him shoot himself in both feet with comments like this. Hopefully the judge will be a female who will just love this kind of shit. Keep diarising his comments about what a super dooper important person he is and how you must KNOW YOUR PLACE WOMAN! (Also comments about your family, etc being used as a weapon are particularly unkind. I bet you've been doing all the shit stuff like dealing with his family contact, because he's been too busy and important. You should stop now.)

@Aquamarine1029

Every time he says no, tell him yes, I am divorcing you. Stop letting think you may change your mind.

This. Don't ask... tell.

You have a right not to have to remain married just because he fucked up one marriage already!

It takes two people to be married. You’re out.

I am losing so much sleep over this. Just gave in after an hour and got up to make tea.

Got the name of another SHL who has been recommended So need to set up that call.

How fucking dare he think the children play second fiddle to his career?

He yelled at me that I might as well lawyer up and sue him for all he’s got. If he’s going to be a dick, that’s so very tempting.

Aiming to use Thursdays session to sort out the children.

You’re quite right @justilou1 - I’m out.

Oh, and had an estate agent over yesterday

I am being crystal clear. I have said numerous times that our relationship is over and we will be separating and then divorcing. I even offered to email it to him if it would help (yes I got a bit sarky).

Oh - one thing he threw at me was that he was very proud of what I’ve achieved in my career but that he would be embarrassed to tell people at work that I was divorcing him because it would raise questions about the work I did for them (on a contract I helped them win 3 awards).

I think he’s losing control and lashing out. He keeps saying he wants to be involved in the children’s lives, I’m offering 50/50, he’s just being fucking stupid not to take it. Once again he’s making clear where his priorities lie. Well, he can have EOW if he wants, and pay for it.

Expecting the kids to flex each week depending on his diary is insane, isn’t it? I’m not losing my marbles?

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Expecting the kids to flex each week depending on his diary is insane, isn’t it? I’m not losing my marbles?
No you are not losing your marbles, nor are you being unreasonable.

He is, on the other hand, using everything to ensure you stay in your box and do what he wants - including casual blackmail in connection with your work performance, ie:

one thing he threw at me was that he was very proud of what I’ve achieved in my career but that he would be embarrassed to tell people at work that I was divorcing him because it would raise questions about the work I did for them (on a contract I helped them win 3 awards)
What has this to do with your personal arrangements/your intention to divorce?

His end goal is to manipulate you at every turn to achieve the results which suits HIM - not you, and not his children.

The thing to remember, OP, is that this man is not your friend - and you need to keep that in mind when dealing with him and working things through with your lawyer, with whom you need to be very open and very clear.

If you haven't already done so, do - discreetly and quickly - get proof (written, photographic) of all your and also HIS financials as you will need that when it comes to discussing separation/divorce settlement, as it sounds unlikely he won't try to hide funds once you show him you are definitely moving ahead and/or serve him with divorce papers.

Good luck on the next stages. 🌹

The kids need stability and routine. He can’t just leave them hanging until the last minute wondering where they’re going to stay that night. Or you. But if you’re just looking at it from the kids perspective then they need routine

Forget offering 50:50, refuse flexible arrangements - fixed contact only 9am Friday to Monday 3pm EOW and including the school day during the school holidays/home school during Covid other illness. Plus 50% of school holidays. Each to organise and pay for the childcare they use.

Let him fight you for 50:50 and let the solicitors explain to him you aren't the nanny and only fixed contact exists as he isn't a shift worker.

Yes take him for everything because like hell will he make things easy or step up for the DC.

Take a fresh look at his reasons for divorce in his first marriage - he wasn't some innocent party like he made out to be...

He had no intention of having the kids 50/50.

He was buying time because he’s convinced he’ll wear you down and/or make you change your mind.

Tell him calmly that you’ve taken his advice and are “lawyering up” and that if EOW suits him best, you will accommodate that but flexible doesn’t work and that isn’t on the table.

Simple. Clear. Unemotional. I know that’s easier said than done but he’s only lashing out because he’s losing control.

He’s angry and very resentful because he expected you to “see sense” (because he’s proved what a great catch he is now, Silly!) so he’s punishing you. I think you can expect this shit to get worse. Let it. He will act out in front of the kids and try manipulative, alienation tactics. Diarise them, explain calmly and in very small words thy at it is unacceptable behaviour and use it against him.

He’s said this morning that I’m ruining him physically. That he’s passing blood and has a style on his eye from the stress. I told him to go to the doctor then.

His latest proposal is that he has them Wednesday to Monday - erm, nope!!

He’s stated that he’s not prepared to be a weekend dad, which is fine.

But then in the same breath, when I said we need to talk about the equity split in the house and pensions, he accused me of being ridiculous and that the best thing for the kids is for us to stay together. That I’ll need to get a lawyer involved if I want a slice of his pension.

He’s out this afternoon taking the kids to an activity so I’m going to go through his paperwork and take photos of anything I think may be useful. Feels very duplicitous.

He has apologised for the comments he made about my family.

@RandomMess sorry, could you explain more about what you said here?

Forget offering 50:50, refuse flexible arrangements - fixed contact only 9am Friday to Monday 3pm EOW and including the school day during the school holidays/home school during Covid other illness. Plus 50% of school holidays. Each to organise and pay for the childcare they use.

How would that work? I don’t understand- sorry, I’m very tired!

Oooof! I’m divorcing one that has a lot of similarities to your husband, especially the head in the sand bit. He didn’t believe it until he saw the court papers.

Stand firm.

You need to state that the DC deserve equal leisure time wit each parent which is EOW and half the school holidays.

His desire to be more than a weekend Dad does not impinge on your EOW and 50% of school holidays and contact is to be fixed (I agreed and NOT flexible working around him as and when suits)

I would suggest EOW is Friday morning to Monday afternoon - so when they get dropped off at school they become the other parents responsibility until the end of school on Monday. Therefore if they are ill or it is inset day the person whose weekend it is, is responsible for their care.

He could have one weekday overnight as well which has to be fixed - so a Tues, Wed or Thursday. Again you need to be clear is that from Wednesday Morning to Thursday after school- so he deals with sickness/absence etc.

That means you actually get time to work knowing that those school days are his responsibility and you are not default parent. Then in school holidays it is in full weeks Friday to Friday - all agreed in advance for the school year. If he needs to use childcare for his weeks then the funds it and pays for it - does he get 7 weeks per year to cover his half?

My above suggestion means he would get
EOW - 3 nights, 4 days - 58 nights per year, 78 days
Each week 1 night, 2 days - 39 nights per year, 78 days
6/7 full weeks per year - 45 nights per year, 45 days

So that is about:
142 nights which is a 40:60 split but more than 50% of days (182) if my Maths is correct...

So long as weekends and school holidays are 50:50 do not budge on that!!!

Say he has them on a Wed overnight and EOW, if he can't pick them up from school he needs to arrange and pay for after school care - it doesn't become your job!

School holidays and inset days that fall on his Fri-Mon or wed/thur - again they are his problem!! If he doesn't have 6 weeks leave to cover his 50% of school holidays then he needs to find childcare and pay for it, not your problem! He gets them a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, Feb half term, Either Oct or May half term and then for 3 weeks in summer on a 2 year rota...

You might not need a slice of his pension, you could trade it off against the equity in the house.

So if there’s 300k in his Pension and 250k in the house, then you could keep the house and get 25k more of the cash. ( That’s over simplified I know, because some of his pension might be from before you were married and you probably have a pension too ).

That’s assuming of course that you go for 50:50 of the assets and you’d definitely want more, as you have taken maternity leave and gone part time for the sake of the children, which Will have severely damaged your earning capacity now and probably Will do so for the next 20 years.

You will definitely need a SHL and I hope you have one by now.

Plus as he earns more he has a higher mortgage borrowing potential plus you will have the DC more than 50% as he isn't going to do proper 50:50 such as alternate weeks.

SHL all the way.

Whatever is agreed even in pre-court mediation isn't legally binding.

Yep... Saddle up the lawyers ASAFP. He’s furious and getting forewarned.

You not having a share of his pension is not up to him!!!

I honestly think trying to discuss anything with him is a waste of time... he refuses any other point of view than his own which is why the marriage has failed.

My friend had more money that her ex and still got a 60/40 split of the assets too her, including the pension.
If you have so much to place down as a deposit you could find the mortgage comes down to what you can afford.
I think maintenance can be used for mortgage as well.
Claim the second you can from him, see what he offers and if you know his salary check on CSA calculators

Shared ownership is another option.

@ StuckInPollyannaMode

Remember these ? I was having a wee scroll back...................

He is nice. I really don't think he will be unfair, but it might all get a bit unpleasant. He is boring. Pernickity. Tedious mansplainer. Owner of world's largest forehead and a mouth he purses like he's sucking a lemon.

Apparently he's still a 'mansplainer'..............
But not quite so nice now he's not getting his own way............

By the time the car payments and the loan comes out, I've got £207 for the month........I'm embarrassing myself thinking about the state I've let myself get into financially.

Thankfully, this is resolving due to amalgamation of debts and wage rise(s), hopefully. And, of course, your share of assets............

But then in the same breath, when I said we need to talk about the equity split in the house and pensions, he accused me of being ridiculous and that the best thing for the kids is for us to stay together. That I’ll need to get a lawyer involved if I want a slice of his pension.

So he's still not listening to you.......................... He's still trying the ''we can save the marriage'' crap...................

His latest proposal is that he has them Wednesday to Monday - erm, nope!!

Does his ridiculousness know no bounds ???? He won't accept 50/50, but he'll suggest this crap?

He’s stated that he’s not prepared to be a weekend dad, which is fine.

Ok, so which is it ? EOW (so he has to pay you more) or 50% (but he has to have them on set days) or the ridiculous 6 days a week plan ? Take your bets please....................

He's now quite determined to keep his money, isn't he ?
Funny how whenever money comes up, so does his intended percentage of custody

He’s totally going to sod off to the nearest main city and I’ll be left wrangling the kids and he’ll just turn up and be Disney dad.

Is he still doing much more 'fun' activities with DC, i.e trying to start being a Disney Dad now ? No doubt 'using' his own DC by being 'nice Dad' so that they agree with him about rescuing the 'marriage'

We’ve had a massive fuck off row. Apparently I’m a women’s libber because I expect him to be able to commit to set days each week for childcare to sort out maintenance. My minimal contribution doesn’t recognise that he is the main breadwinner and he can’t be tied down to set days as he needs to be flexible.

Oh my ! How dare you even suggest that your or your DC needs come before HIS??? Are you sane woman ???

But wait........, how would this work with his custody 6 days a week plan...............

Yup, it's all still about him and what he wants, isn't it ?
Where's his 50% childcare disappeared to again ?

How fucking dare he think the children play second fiddle to his career?

Everyone plays second fiddle to his needs, remember ?

He yelled at me that I might as well lawyer up and sue him for all he’s got. If he’s going to be a dick, that’s so very tempting.

Erm............did he miss the part where you are seeing a solicitor ? That you are getting divorced?? Or does that still not compute in his tiny little 'manbrain' ?

I think he’s losing control and lashing out. He keeps saying he wants to be involved in the children’s lives, I’m offering 50/50, he’s just being fucking stupid not to take it. Once again he’s making clear where his priorities lie.

Yup, his priorities are him and what he wants.

Neither you, nor your DC will ever come close to being a priority.
Your function is to make his life easier and listen to his crap mansplaining , and your DC function is either to be Dad supporters or ammunition to be used against you whenever necessary ! Oh, and as a bargaining tool for having to give you less of his money

I hope you are doing well OP, because you deserve a FUCKING MEDAL for having been married to him for so long without a murder charge.....................................