Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

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I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

*until shortly before she was murdered

I should say "he murdered her", I find like the passive case used here.

Let's have a look at some numbers.

Main findings from Femicide Census report of killings of women in the UK in 2018:
• 149 women were killed by 147 men.14
• 91 women (61%) were killed by their current or former
male spouse or intimate partner.
• 12 women (8%) were killed by sons or step-sons; a further 5 women (3%) were killed by a son-in-law or ex son-in-law.
• Only6%offemicides(9victims)werecommittedby a stranger or where there was no known relationship between the victim and the perpetrator.
• There was evidence of previous abuse or violence in over half the cases where the perpetrator was known to the victim (52%; 69 out of 133 cases).
• The youngest victim was aged 14 years15 and the eldest 100, with 23 women (16%) aged 66 or over when killed.
• Approximately one third of victims (34%) had a child/children under 18 when killed.
• In at least 37 cases, women had separated/taken steps to separate from their male partner.
• 41%(37of91)ofwomenkilledbyapartner/exhad separated or taken steps to separate with 30% of them (11/37) killed within the first month and 70% (24/37) killed within the first year.
• 102 (68%) femicides took place in the woman’s home, whether shared with the perpetrator (33%) or not (35%).
• Menmostfrequentlykilledwomenwithasharp instrument (69 cases; 46%).
• Overkilling was evident in over half the femicides (83 cases, 56%).
• Mostperpetratorswereagedbetween26–55 (100 perpetrators, 68%).
• Atleast76(52%)perpetratorswereknowntohavehad histories of previous violence against women.
• Three perpetrators had killed women before.
• Atleast16(11%)perpetratorsusedpornographyand/or
women in prostitution in relation to the femicide.
• 89perpetrators(61%)werefoundguiltyofmurder.
• 25perpetrators(17%)werefoundguiltyofmanslaughter; 12 (8%) on the grounds of diminished responsibility.
• Sentences for murder ranged from minimum tariffs of 12.5–38 years.

She had told him to leave.

I didn't read that - I read that they had continued to live together while they made arrangements/sorted themselves out to live separately.

In any case, you seem to be saying that I'm saying she should not have continued living with him and that's why she was murdered; I wasn't.

I was saying that pics in red 's proposed law would not have worked in her case; do you understand that?

In any case, the it thing I can think of re. getting him out or leaving would be to leave herself with kids under some pretext (family visit) and call the cops to get him out while away or leave full stop and stay with your kids with family.

However I'm sure there are difficulties with both of those.

And she had survived years of violence etc at his hands so she probably thought it would continue to be non life threatening.

*only thing

The most dangerous time for an abused woman is after she has left the relationship. I know personally of two women this year who were murdered after making their escape.
Women who flee domestic violence flee their own domestic violence. The abusers just go on to their next victim. And the next. And the next. These men hate all women. The problem of domestic abuse isn't solved by women 'just leaving'.
Such evil men should be stigmatised, shamed and cast out as deviants by society. Should be disowned so that in generations, their behaviour is seen as so deviant and morally unacceptable as to become a deterrent and something that isn't normal. They aren't treated as such currently. I have members of my own family and family friends who still speak fondly of and mourn abusers. Locals still speak highly of one of the most recent murderers and say how he seemed so nice and he 'must have snapped'
An embarrassing amount of people seem able to compartmentalise when it comes to domestic offenders. If they didn't see it with their own eyes then...oh well!
I'm raising my sons to not be misogynists and I'll always turn my back and show disgust towards victim blamers and apologists.

if he is on the tenancy the police won't remove him. I tried to do this, i couldn't afford to.

I was lucky, he self harmed and was committed to a psychiatric hospital. I had changed the locks and put his stuff out within the hour.

This is being framed as her culpability as much as him?

Who is doing that?

Not one person itt has done that.

The question of believing women who do speak does matter. Society has any number of “nice guy” and “crazy ex wife” stereotypes. You see them on this board all the time. From women.

The fact is, it’s that people don’t want to know. This is why you have to report it over and over, each little thing, each infraction, keep a diary, never let him in, nothing. Why? Because otherwise women throw away the best protection she has - to her neighbours, friends, community, the police, she says no and keeps saying it.

Saying it once is not enough. To get through and beat men like these (who aim to break you mentally and wear you down) you have to do it.

How trapped she must have felt with 8 kids to care for? I can't even imagine caring for 8 kids day in day out, you wouldn't have any headspace at all would you

It certainly wouldnt help matters ...makes it seem likely that there was reproductive abuse too.

(If that's the right word fir when men use repeated pregnancies to trap, manipulate women etc.)

'In any case, the it thing I can think of re. getting him out or leaving would be to leave herself with kids under some pretext (family visit) '

With all 8 children?

And go where?

Did she usually up and out with all of them? I'm guessing not .

So leave with 8 kids and no stuff and go... Where. I'm guessing they didn't have a coach to drive. So on foot. I mean he would ask what the hell was going on, right?

The logistics in this are huge.

And the authorities don't help much, at least in the UK. I don't know about NZ

Yes men tie Women to them with babies. It's seen the world over all the time. It increases dependency and reduces the ability to walk.

Nicegerbil - we don't know any of her family circumstances/support, we don't know what her engagement with any social services/women's aid equivalent etc had been. Of course it would never be easy but it could possibly have been fine with planning and opportunism. The murderer sounds like a drinker and drinkers tend to have long "sleep if off" sessions.

In any case, it's all tragically irrelevant.

As I said above she had survived his assaults before and no doubt never thought for a minute she wouldn't survive a future one. So she thought she'd hang on in her home til he left or she got something else organised.

His sentence is risible too, as always.

The people trying to force us to report to police.
A nasty court case with a good barrister for the other side is just too much to handle for already broken victims. You'll already traumatised. You're be portrayed as 'deranged' in court, and the narrative will be that you provoked it. You're such a nightmare that he understandably snapped (the message given out). It would be more abuse by him but played out very publicly.

The fear around leaving (for all sorts of reasons) is truly paralysing btw. As much as anything is physically paralysing. Eventually you break. Mentally (and often physically too). You end up not sleeping or eating properly, having nightmares or flashbacks. You're not able to think straight. Serious MH struggles are as real as physical health. You can't just 'pull yourself together'. Just like physical health, you need help with it.

Anyway why do some people think the police can wave magic wands to get well funded nationalised level or support. Or safe long-term housing. They can't. It's not their fault but they can't magic up support for disability or long-term health. One of my issues is rare. It's mistaken for something minor. The police and many DV support services completely didn't understand it.

Say it's reported to the police. What happens when, as is fairly common, the abuser claims the victim did it to herself (self inflicted injuries)? Particularly if there's any whiff of MH issues (which is so commonly caused by abuse). It ends up with him angry over his arrest but free to harm you as he's been released without charge. The police also now think you're mentally unstable.

Calling the police is no magic wand. Not unless there's also properly funded and standardised support, and access to a safe private space dignity of own bathroom and kitchen home. Somewhere safe to heal.

I agree women shouldn't have to leave but it's often the only safe option. Also private renters won't often be allowed by landlords to stay on their own. Particularly if on benefits.
With councils requiring evidence. I have more evidence than the police do. I've offered it to them if they promise not to report to police. They refused to make that promise. Why should wonen who've been forced to do things they didn't went to do, things that hurt or harmed or humiliated them, then be forced to do something else traumatic?

Someone asked what's the solution. The solution is to have well funded nationally set standards and level of support, and safe secure housing. Better support for disabled and long-term ill people too (adults and children). Also the localism act needs to be scrapped or at least amended to exempt abuse victims. Many refuges are only funded to take local residents. Despite it being safer to leave your area.

Btw I'm not naive. I realise it's unlikely to get better. Not enough people care.
Still, I've nothing to lose at this stage by trying to do something. It might be too late for me but it could be better for future women. If there was public support. Unlikely I know but worth trying.

Have skimmed thread.

To answer the question.

Because people don’t believe you.

In the meantime, we've lost another woman.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-53805192

That’s very sad news.

I was told that murder happens to women who have only experienced coercive control and non physical abuse very often. So they had nothing to report.

www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2019/08/28/seven-steps-men-go-murdering-partners-identified-criminologist/

See #4 - that's the attempt or intention to leave. It's the leaving which often triggers the extreme violence. That's where we need to focus the support, as right now the focus it on (ironically) coercing women to leave, then providing no meaningful financial, housing, family court and physical safety support if she actually leaves.

These women are veterans at attempting to leave - so they know full well - there's no real and meaningful support, by government or society at large - once you've actually left.

And on that note, I'm going to go off to wait for something to be done, in law. I won't hold my breath.

How do you get people to believe you?

That’s the question and change in attitude that is needed.

My example. You say your unhappy, your life is threatened again. You gather the courage to leave to a family members house. But you have children, he comes to pick up his child, he walks into your house and continues his abuse....what was the point! It’s the children the system also really needs to understand has a massive part to play for a lot of women.

I’m so lucky in my area we have the most amazing local charity. Run by 2 women who absolutely get what’s happening. But they closed for 4 months over lockdown as they got no funding....bloody disgraceful!

Because there is nowhere to go, only the streets. You have no support, no money, no job, no family or friends who can help. Nowhere/no-one to keep your beloved pets safe if you leave.
Refuge space hard to come by and even then only temporary, especially if no DC involved.

Even if you could leave, he's always home anyway and moving out while he's there would be impossible.