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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't forget how DH acted in the past

122 replies

RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:16

Having a bit of an issue in my relationship. When my now DH and I got together, we had sort of a rocky relationship from day one. We had fun but we also had a few falling outs, mainly ending in him storming off and being out of contact for a few days to a week. For some unknown reason I continued the relationship.

The worst of these was when we bickered over some small thing, by this time we lived together, I came home to find he had packed his stuff while I was out and left. He wouldn't answer phone or texts. To my eternal shame, I rang him many times and left messages begging him to come back - I'm cringing writing this. Eventually he did come back but he wasn't sorry, sort of acted like he was doing me a favour.

Anyway a few years later we are married and he's actually changed quite a bit. We rarely argue and he is a good husband.

Thing is, I can't stop being so horribly embarrassed and cringing over the pathetic way I acted. How can I regain my self respect? I feel like he also doesn't really respect me, probably because of this or at least it certainly didn't help. Just seeing him is a constant reminder that I'm not strong, I'm horribly pathetic and a complete and utter loser. On the other hand, apart from that we have a good life together. So how can I accept my past mistakes?

OP posts:
Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:17

Sorry it's so long, good work if anyone read all that.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2020 14:18

I think the main thing now is do you live him and want to be with him? If you do then maybe tell him how you feel, make him take some responsibility for his past actions?

Sakurami · 13/08/2020 14:20

You begged him to come back because you love him and wanted him and he came back because he wanted to. You got married because you love and want each other. He's a good husband and has changed so I would put that behind you.

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:23

@Tiredmum100

I think the main thing now is do you live him and want to be with him? If you do then maybe tell him how you feel, make him take some responsibility for his past actions?
Realistically though, what repercussions could there be? We have talked about it and he just said "oh well, sorry, what else can I say". That doesn't feel like enough but I suppose he is right, what else can he do?
OP posts:
Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:26

@Sakurami

You begged him to come back because you love him and wanted him and he came back because he wanted to. You got married because you love and want each other. He's a good husband and has changed so I would put that behind you.
True, but when someone treats you like shit you shouldn't beg them, you should let them go. And he didn't even want to come back, like I said. He reluctantly came back, acting like he was so much better than me and lowering himself to do so. He even said (at the time) I was lucky that he would even consider it.

Of course you are right though, I know I have to get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:31

The humiliation is added to for me because I discovered that he had left when I went home for lunch during work, I then had to go back to work and was a huge crying mess. So all my colleagues know. He also works at the same company. So what happened will still be in the back of their minds. Plus my family and friends also know.

I read a thread on here the other day where a similar thing happened to a women and every post encouraged her not to contact him, saying how pathetic she would be if she did. She stayed strong and didn't.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 13/08/2020 14:41

This was years ago, let it go. He's grown up; now you should. Your colleagues won't remember or care - and even if they do, hey, it paid off, you got your man.

Wallywobbles · 13/08/2020 14:41

Get yourself some counseling and really work on your self esteem and all that. Treat it like a job.

SoulofanAggron · 13/08/2020 14:44

You could try EMDR therapy, it takes the sting out of memories. xx

Fairycake2 · 13/08/2020 14:47

You can't change the past and how you acted by then. However, be proud that you recognise you did the pick me dance and that you wouldn't do it again (at least i assume not). Perhaps you could almost outline to him that you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from him these days and things are more balanced between you now.

You say he's a good husband so try and focus on that. But, if he does turn into a dick at some point make sure you don't do the same as you did in the past and instead pack his bags for him

HollowTalk · 13/08/2020 14:47

That was really cruel of him and I can see why you struggle to get past it.

Do you have children together?

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:54

@katy1213

This was years ago, let it go. He's grown up; now you should. Your colleagues won't remember or care - and even if they do, hey, it paid off, you got your man.
I'm not being arrogant thinking that they are all thinking about me all the time, far from it. But there is no doubt it comes up. I hear gossip repeated all the time that is older and far less juicy.

As for it paid off and I got the man, that's not something to be proud of though, is it? I begged and begged a man who ghosted me in a horrible way, who (when he eventually picked up my call) said he didn't love me, in fact he hated me. And I "got" that man? Why would I want that man though?

OP posts:
LilyWater · 13/08/2020 14:56

OP I think it all depends on how he treats you now. Does he treat you with full respect, even when he disagrees with you? Does he normally get his own way instead of you? Does he treat you with the same level of love, care and respect for your views/feelings as you do him? If you feel he doesn't respect you as much as he should, you can start recalibrating the relationship straightaway by asserting your boundaries. This takes practice if you're not used to it but your confidence will grow in time. Men respond much more to actions than words which is why it's so important to assert yourself when needed and not just talk about the need for more respect. I also second counselling, start with going for counselling for yourself only to work on yourself. Depending on how things go and how your relationship with him is like, it may also be beneficial for both of you to go to counselling together to build the relationship into something you're both happy with and thrive in. You sound like a lovely person, however make sure that niceness is not taken advantage of Smile

ALLIS0N · 13/08/2020 14:56

Can you say more about how your husband has changed OP? Does he still look down on you and act as if he is doing you a favour by being with you ?

I’m more concerned about what kind of man he is and how he treats you now, about what his actions say about his character. Is what way is he a good husband?

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:57

@SoulofanAggron

You could try EMDR therapy, it takes the sting out of memories. xx
Thank you, I will look in to this. The sting of it is exactly what I mean. We all make mistakes, especially in love, but I wish I could look back on it like "I sure was silly back then, oh well, I'm not that way now" and not like BlushBlushBlushBlush dying of embarrassing and cringing BlushBlush
OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 13/08/2020 14:58

You mention that you don't feel your DH really respects you, can you say why you feel like that? Does he not treat you with respect now or does it relate entirely to what happened back then?

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:59

@Fairycake2

You can't change the past and how you acted by then. However, be proud that you recognise you did the pick me dance and that you wouldn't do it again (at least i assume not). Perhaps you could almost outline to him that you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from him these days and things are more balanced between you now.

You say he's a good husband so try and focus on that. But, if he does turn into a dick at some point make sure you don't do the same as you did in the past and instead pack his bags for him

God no, I'd never ever do it again. But presumably I'll never get the chance. So I'll never get the chance to redeem myself or undo past actions.
OP posts:
TheQueef · 13/08/2020 15:02

Do you worry that he could just fuck off a.again?

And never judge your younger, pre-mumsnet decisions on what you now know you should do! We are ALL guilty of cringy fuck ups.

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 15:03

@Hidingtonothing

You mention that you don't feel your DH really respects you, can you say why you feel like that? Does he not treat you with respect now or does it relate entirely to what happened back then?
Mainly relating to back then I suppose. But some comments he has made recently got me thinking about this. He said that I'm lucky he chose me, I'm lucky he gave me children, things like that. I was 28 when we got together so it was hardly my last chance at a husband and children! But obviously he sees it that way.

And it's no suprise, is it. If you saw someone acting that stupid and pathetic, you wouldnt respect them, would you?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 15:06

Why do you think he doesn't respect you now? Is it just in your head because of this incident or does he do things that make you think that?

I wouldn't bring it up now all these years later, if he's fine now and he doesn't treat you disrespectfully, you should just try to chalk it down to immaturity on both your parts and try to move on

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 15:07

Do you really want to be with him?

How old are you?

How long together?

If you feel that this history informs the dynamic you have now - that he will always have that little superior, she needs me, I'm in charge, I could click my fingers type of thing... then you need to explore that and ask yourself whether he's worth being with.

I have a feeling that the answer to that would be no, because if he were a good guy, then you wouldn't have made this post. All this would have been put to bed a long time ago, via any number of midnight chats the two of you would have had where you both ruminated over both yours and his behaviour and he would have woned how different he was then, how nasty his ghosting was etc.

That hasn't happened and you clearly feel pushed into some sort of derogatory limbo.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 15:08

Oh fuck, you already have children. Hmm.

Original poster
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 15:08

@TheQueef

Do you worry that he could just fuck off a.again?

And never judge your younger, pre-mumsnet decisions on what you now know you should do! We are ALL guilty of cringy fuck ups.

Not really, it wouldnt be as easy for one now we have a house together and children. But he's a lot calmer now and doesn't really get angry the same way he used to.

We are ALL guilty of cringy fuck ups.

I know, god I've got a million more from every area of life. But not as bad as this. And if we hadn't got back together, I'd look back on it as a cringy fuck up but I'd forget it. But it's like my cringy fuck up is staring me in the face every day. My children aren't born out of love, they are born out of a cringy fuck up!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 15:09

He said that I'm lucky he chose me, I'm lucky he gave me children, things like that

What do you say when he says that? Is he serious or just taking the piss? If my DH said that to me, I would take that as a joke and probably say, no you're the lucky one

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2020 15:10

How does he treat you now? Do you feel respected in your house?