Can't forget how DH acted in the past

[RaisinGhost]

Having a bit of an issue in my relationship. When my now DH and I got together, we had sort of a rocky relationship from day one. We had fun but we also had a few falling outs, mainly ending in him storming off and being out of contact for a few days to a week. For some unknown reason I continued the relationship.

The worst of these was when we bickered over some small thing, by this time we lived together, I came home to find he had packed his stuff while I was out and left. He wouldn't answer phone or texts. To my eternal shame, I rang him many times and left messages begging him to come back - I'm cringing writing this. Eventually he did come back but he wasn't sorry, sort of acted like he was doing me a favour.

Anyway a few years later we are married and he's actually changed quite a bit. We rarely argue and he is a good husband.

Thing is, I can't stop being so horribly embarrassed and cringing over the pathetic way I acted. How can I regain my self respect? I feel like he also doesn't really respect me, probably because of this or at least it certainly didn't help. Just seeing him is a constant reminder that I'm not strong, I'm horribly pathetic and a complete and utter loser. On the other hand, apart from that we have a good life together. So how can I accept my past mistakes?

[RaisinGhost]

If you feel that this history informs the dynamic you have now - that he will always have that little superior, she needs me, I'm in charge, I could click my fingers type of thing... then you need to explore that and ask yourself whether he's worth being with.

Exactly, as normal as he is now I do think he will always feel slightly superior. Am I imagining that though? Out of shame? Maybe.

I have a feeling that the answer to that would be no, because if he were a good guy, then you wouldn't have made this post. All this would have been put to bed a long time ago, via any number of midnight chats the two of you would have had where you both ruminated over both yours and his behaviour and he would have woned how different he was then, how nasty his ghosting was etc.

We have talked about it but he isn't really sorry. He said sorry, but more like "yep sorry, oh well can't do anything about it now" rather than "I'm really sorry, I know it must have hurt you, I was wrong, I regret it, etc".

[Sakurami]

But you got the man you wanted and he has changed and you're happy with him?

[RaisinGhost]

@AryaStarkWolf

He said that I'm lucky he chose me, I'm lucky he gave me children, things like that

What do you say when he says that? Is he serious or just taking the piss? If my DH said that to me, I would take that as a joke and probably say, no you're the lucky one

No he was being serious but when I replied with basically "wtf are you talking about?" he just said "well you don't know for sure you would have met someone else". I mean of course that's true, but a bloody rude thing to say. Why wouldn't I have met someone else, or I may have been very happily single.

[Sakurami]

Why would he feel superior? I chased a man to the other end of the world and I'm glad I did because we had a relationship for another 5 years but I finished with him when I fell out of love with him. He didn't have the upper hand at all. I dont understand why you are so obsessed with this so many years on and after a marriage

[Sakurami]

Just read your last post. I understand how you feel because he keeps on making you feel like that.

[frazzledasarock]

Do you love him OP?

In your shoes I’d maintain my financial independence I’d not be able to trust him completely ever.

Does he bring it up and throw it in your face a lot? He came back because he wanted to, you didn’t hold a gun to his head.

You’d have met someone else and DC had he not come back.

I’m glad you say you wouldn’t do it again if he left. He doesn’t really sound like a great catch from what I’m reading.

Can you start maintaining your own independence bit, go out with friends, get a MN legendary mysterious hobby. Do things for yourself and make yourself happy.

And yes see if you can get counselling and learn to let go of the past.

Nothing more to be done now.

[TheQueef]

Personally it would eat me up inside, I know exactly what you mean by staring you in the face.

One thing you have going for you is he behaves now. You've got time to decide -and savour how good it will feel to dismiss him when he's served his purpose- there isn't a crisis so think long and hard. This? Forever? Even in your 80's?

[BlueJava]

If you really can't get over the fact you feel you begged him to come back what do you want to do? Do you actually want to end it but feel you can't because he came back to you? Rather than dwell on what happened thing about what you want for the future - if you are prepared to accept the relationship as is it and love him then go forward together; if not then just move on.

[RaisinGhost]

@Sakurami

But you got the man you wanted and he has changed and you're happy with him?

Yes I suppose. Bit of a hollow victory isn't it? I wanted him at the time, but upon reflection I don't want anyone that doesn't also want me, or that treats me that way.

If my children or a friend told me their DP did that, would I encourage them to beg and beg and beg and humilitate themselves because "you might get the man in the end". No, I'd say good riddence to bad rubbish!

[AryaStarkWolf]

No he was being serious but when I replied with basically "wtf are you talking about?" he just said "well you don't know for sure you would have met someone else". I mean of course that's true, but a bloody rude thing to say. Why wouldn't I have met someone else, or I may have been very happily single.

What a weird thing to say, it does come across as a bit superior, you should have thrown it back at him and said, well yeah, same goes for you surely?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Or say to him "No, you're the lucky one because I was a bit immature when we met, if you'd have pulled the shit you did back then with me now, I would have told you not to let the door hit you on that way out!"

[Hidingtonothing]

Fizzy's post is pretty much what I was going to say based on your last post OP, sounds like he's firmly entrenched in his 'superior' position.

I don't agree with your comment about not respecting someone who acted 'weak and pathetic' though, I can think of occasions where both me and my DH have behaved that way but they haven't affected our basic levels of respect for each other. We all behave in ways we wish we hadn't at times but respect, or lack of it, isn't based on one-off incidents, it should be about the whole person/relationship so I'm struggling to see why both you and your DH seem to place such importance on this one event.

Unless of course it's suited him to do so as a way to keep you grateful and subservient, which seems possible based on the comments he's made about how 'lucky' you are. Someone has certainly made you feel way worse about your behaviour when he left than you needed to that's for sure and I think figuring out whether it's you or him is probably what you need to do first. I think it's likely he's at the root of it though and you may need to re-evaluate whether he's as good a husband as you thought. Sorry OP

[RaisinGhost]

I don't know what I want. In a way I wish he would walk out again so I can never speak to him again and show him that I'm not pathetic. But that's obviously stupid. In fact it's also pathetic! (no suprise coming from me)

I could leave myself but aside from this it is a good marriage. We co parent really well, and have a good time together mostly.

I suppose my ideal solution would be him to be genuinely sorry, and for me to remember it in a detached way instead of dying inside. My self esteem is so low. What sort of stupid pathetic person does that, seriously.

I dont understand why you are so obsessed with this so many years on and after a marriage

I know, I wish I wasn't, that's why I'm posting. I realise this isn't healthy and I want to resolve it.

[AryaStarkWolf]

What sort of stupid pathetic person does that, seriously.

Jeez loads upon loads of people have done stuff like that in the past OP, come on! You're being so hard on yourself. Maybe you need to talk to someone and work on building up your self esteem?

[Bassettgirl]

I think you should give yourself a break. I suspect that you wouldn't ordinarily have begged someone to stay etc but that it was a reaction to how he treated you within your relationship, and that you were driven to distraction by the constant drama over seemingly small things. It isn't normal after an argument to disappear for a week with no contact. It's controlling and immature. It's no wonder your nerves were frazzled.

If he has truly changed, I am guessing he is rubbish at saying sorry, as is my husband, or just doesn't get how it made you all feel.

So I would recommend counselling to explore your feelings about this. You aren't going to get anything out of him.

What I find worrying is him saying: I'm lucky he chose me, I'm lucky he gave me children, things like that and that you wouldn't have met someone else.

This is pretty arrogant, even in jest, and would make me remember the shit way I was treated too. It also suggests he still thinks you are dependent on him for your wellbeing, which is not the case. He clearly wanted to be with you too, having married you, and you now have children together, so he is lucky you asked him to come back IMO.

[RaisinGhost]

@AryaStarkWolf

Or say to him "No, you're the lucky one because I was a bit immature when we met, if you'd have pulled the shit you did back then with me now, I would have told you not to let the door hit you on that way out!"

I did say that basically and he agreed but it was like he didn't take it on board. Like "oh ok, well who knows". I don't think he'd bring it up again but obviously that's what he thinks.

[MostlyHappyMummy]

Sounds like you’re not as happy as you say because everything is tinged and tarnished not just by his past behaviour but current arrogance too.
Do you feel continuing a marriage like this is good for your long term emotional well-being?

[RaisinGhost]

he is lucky you asked him to come back IMO.

Exactly, but he doesn't see it that way. I don't know why he thinks this. I'm younger than him, I'm the higher earner and brought all the assets the relationship, I have friends (he has none), I'm more highly educated. These things don't matter to me at all but objectively I am a person of at least average success. What about me screams "loser! She'll put up with anything" to him. But obviously something tipped him off and he was right.

[TDogsInHats]

Do you love your husband?
Do you want to be with him and are looking forward to the days when you get older and your children have left home?
Think about the here and now and the future.
As the saying goes , the past is a foreign country they do things differently there.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@RaisinGhost

he is lucky you asked him to come back IMO.

Exactly, but he doesn't see it that way. I don't know why he thinks this. I'm younger than him, I'm the higher earner and brought all the assets the relationship, I have friends (he has none), I'm more highly educated. These things don't matter to me at all but objectively I am a person of at least average success. What about me screams "loser! She'll put up with anything" to him. But obviously something tipped him off and he was right.

Or maybe, he knows you're the better "catch" and is trying to belittle you to make himself feel better about himself? (which is as bad if not worse)

[NotaCoolMum]

@RaisinGhost

The humiliation is added to for me because I discovered that he had left when I went home for lunch during work, I then had to go back to work and was a huge crying mess. So all my colleagues know. He also works at the same company. So what happened will still be in the back of their minds. Plus my family and friends also know.

I read a thread on here the other day where a similar thing happened to a women and every post encouraged her not to contact him, saying how pathetic she would be if she did. She stayed strong and didn't.

I heard a great quote once- “you wouldn’t worry so much what people thought of you if you realised how little they did”...

I’m sure people at work don’t think twice about it. Also, even if one or two did- who cares? You’re happy now!

If it were you- perhaps instead of holding onto the embarrassment and shame- make a pact with yourself that if he stonewalls you’re again- you won’t beg it reach out. You’ll feel great god two reasons...1) You’ll feel strong 2) it’ll shock the hell out of your DH who expects that you’ll beg. Show him how you’ve grown xxx

[NotaCoolMum]

Sorry for typos- on my phone 🤦🏻‍♀️

[RaisinGhost]

Do you feel continuing a marriage like this is good for your long term emotional well-being?

I don't know. I guess on the "stay" side is that he is a good husband, we get along well, share chores perfectly. If I could just get passed this, reframe it somehow, or something. If I wanted to take action why wait until now, it was four years ago this happened.

I know it was my choice to take him back and when you do that, you are making the choice that you will forgive them. If you stay but are bitter forever that's on you, not them.

But how can I forgive myself?

On the other side though, I don't feel like his little jokes as I described above are really helping.

[RaisinGhost]

If it were you- perhaps instead of holding onto the embarrassment and shame- make a pact with yourself that if he stonewalls you’re again- you won’t beg it

Oh I definitely wouldn't. But again, what a hollow victory. We just discussed it now, he said that I should feel fine about it now because he "hasn't done it since". That's setting the bar rather low isn't it? Not getting regularly ghosted by one's own husband - geez I'm the luckiest girl in the world .

[Bassettgirl]

What about me screams "loser! She'll put up with anything" to him. But obviously something tipped him off and he was right.

Doesn't make it right now. I think he was for whatever reason (insecurity dressed up as superiority?) feeding on a normal lack of confidence when you were younger and that he was therefore part of the problem, a cause and effect. Rather than build you up as a partner, somehow he preferred to keep you down.

But he has changed, which is good, so I think you should just decide not to put up with any more shit or any shit things he says.

If he says "well ok who knows", just say that actually YOU know, and that FYI this is in fact the exact type of shit you will not put up with now, then end the conversation. Just be assertive. You don't have to leave your husband but do not stand for this sort of simmering put down just because he is used to this being the status quo.