Having a bit of an issue in my relationship. When my now DH and I got together, we had sort of a rocky relationship from day one. We had fun but we also had a few falling outs, mainly ending in him storming off and being out of contact for a few days to a week. For some unknown reason I continued the relationship.
The worst of these was when we bickered over some small thing, by this time we lived together, I came home to find he had packed his stuff while I was out and left. He wouldn't answer phone or texts. To my eternal shame, I rang him many times and left messages begging him to come back - I'm cringing writing this. Eventually he did come back but he wasn't sorry, sort of acted like he was doing me a favour.
Anyway a few years later we are married and he's actually changed quite a bit. We rarely argue and he is a good husband.
Thing is, I can't stop being so horribly embarrassed and cringing over the pathetic way I acted. How can I regain my self respect? I feel like he also doesn't really respect me, probably because of this or at least it certainly didn't help. Just seeing him is a constant reminder that I'm not strong, I'm horribly pathetic and a complete and utter loser. On the other hand, apart from that we have a good life together. So how can I accept my past mistakes?
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Relationships
Can't forget how DH acted in the past
RaisinGhost · 13/08/2020 14:16
Struggling with the timeline a bit op but are you saying that he was about 40 when he ghosted you?! 
I'm struggling to get past someone who isn't a teenager doing that. (In fact if I had a teenage child behave like that I'd be mortified). And you were / are working in the same place so he knew you'd have to face all your colleagues after he'd done that? And he's never properly apologised?
Op, we all behave badly, but when we do we need to pick ourselves up and apologise to those we love and do what we can to make them understand we know we fucked up. Then if necessary we work on ourselves.
Op, I never say ltb, but for your own self esteem I really think you need to go. Stop upsetting yourself by thinking about how you behaved at a traumatic time in your life. Start thinking about the man who caused it, it doesn't sound like he has changed or gone through any self development.
@rvby
My ex was a lot like this. Funny, when I finally broke and told him I was leaving him because I couldn't bear to spend my life with someone who thought I was less than them, he instantly knew he had overplayed his hand.
Men who do things like this, and then talk this way about those things years later, have created a dynamic that they're invested in keeping in place, because it works for them. It gets them what they want.
As above..
OP,
I think he quickly realised he over played his hand and has back stepped quickly.
It's really great that you are seeing him clearly.
He sounds like a youthful mistake...lots make them....
He really does sound like a twat though.....so much older than you ...without an ounce of self awareness...however,..he does have a survival instinct🙄....he back tracked quick enough when he saw his last dig at you wasn't going to be taken lying down.
Again, you sound like you are worth 10 of him.
As @Fizzy suggests...take a year for counselling on your OWN....and decide do you REALLY want to be with him
@RaisinGhost
It might sound from my posts like he's constantly saying things like that but he isn't. Very very rarely but if he ever does it's like a white hot poker stabbing me.
Not sure if I said but it's not like I've brought it up often the whole time. This is the second time since it happened.
Do you genuinely believe that or do you know in your gut he was gaslighting and he meant it the way you originally took it? I don't know you so I can't say either way, but you will know what he meant really.
@RaisinGhost
The reason for this is that you can't control how other people act, only how you act. So I couldn't have stopped him doing that and it's pointless to speculate why he did it. But you can control your own actions and I acted in a way I find shameful and pathetic. I was afraid of being alone I guess. I'm not now obviously.
Right. Listen up. YOU are a self aware woman and that is a superpower. You accept accountability. You hold yourself to a high standard. As much as I hate to hear you beating yourself up, if you can channel that self awareness and dial down the self loathing then oh my goodness you have a bright future ahead of you - with a fresh start and a clean slate. I promise you! I can't see a way back from this because of his behaviour since then. If someone, anyone, wants to remind you / imply that you should be grateful they are with you, it is NOT a healthy relationship. Don't underestimate the power you hold by recognising your own accountability.
You say you would be relieved if he left and this time you didn't beg. Imagine how EXTRA empowered you would feel if YOU left AND you didn't beg afterwards!
Something to think about
We talked a bit more and he said he really is sorry. He also said I misinterpreted the "you would have never had children" comment, he claimed he meant I would have not had our exact child that we have now. He agreed saying the first thing would have been rude, if he had meant that which he claims he didn't
It might sound from my posts like he's constantly saying things like that but he isn't. Very very rarely but if he ever does it's like a white hot poker stabbing me.
Not sure if I said but it's not like I've brought it up often the whole time. This is the second time since it happened.
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