Can't forget how DH acted in the past

[RaisinGhost]

Having a bit of an issue in my relationship. When my now DH and I got together, we had sort of a rocky relationship from day one. We had fun but we also had a few falling outs, mainly ending in him storming off and being out of contact for a few days to a week. For some unknown reason I continued the relationship.

The worst of these was when we bickered over some small thing, by this time we lived together, I came home to find he had packed his stuff while I was out and left. He wouldn't answer phone or texts. To my eternal shame, I rang him many times and left messages begging him to come back - I'm cringing writing this. Eventually he did come back but he wasn't sorry, sort of acted like he was doing me a favour.

Anyway a few years later we are married and he's actually changed quite a bit. We rarely argue and he is a good husband.

Thing is, I can't stop being so horribly embarrassed and cringing over the pathetic way I acted. How can I regain my self respect? I feel like he also doesn't really respect me, probably because of this or at least it certainly didn't help. Just seeing him is a constant reminder that I'm not strong, I'm horribly pathetic and a complete and utter loser. On the other hand, apart from that we have a good life together. So how can I accept my past mistakes?

Sorry to be the spectre at the feast, but I'd kick him out. his supercilious, contemptuous attitude towards you hasnt gone anywhere, has it? He's a bit more muted about it because he doesn't want to rock the boat, but he's kept the negging at a constant low level, just enough to keep you on the back foot and feeling inferior. He's a dick. I think you'll find it much easier to move past all this self-loathing and uneasiness once you're free of the person who has deliberately cultivated it and continues to do so.

I heard a great quote once- “you wouldn’t worry so much what people thought of you if you realised how little they did”...

Yep I agree, look I know how self centred that sounded when I wrote it. I don't think everyone is thinking and talking about me all the time. But seriously, I hear gossip at that place daily (about others) that's older, more boring, less embarrassing, etc (I don't participate btw). The slightest embarrassing mishap is dined out on for years, literally. But you think they've selectively forgotten about mine?

Maybe my work place is part of this problem and I should look at changing jobs to a more normal, less gossipy work place.

Doesn't make it right now. I think he was for whatever reason feeding on a normal lack of confidence when you were younger and that he was therefore part of the problem, a cause and effect. Rather than build you up as a partner, somehow he preferred to keep you down.

But he has changed, which is good, so I think you should just decide not to put up with any more shit or any shit things he says.

Yes, I think this is what I will do for now. I know people do make mistakes and do change and aren't perfect (I'm proof of that).

As being younger, I wish I could say I was a teenager when this happened but I was 29 so not young at all.

@sadpapercourtesan

Sorry to be the spectre at the feast, but I'd kick him out. his supercilious, contemptuous attitude towards you hasnt gone anywhere, has it? He's a bit more muted about it because he doesn't want to rock the boat, but he's kept the negging at a constant low level, just enough to keep you on the back foot and feeling inferior. He's a dick. I think you'll find it much easier to move past all this self-loathing and uneasiness once you're free of the person who has deliberately cultivated it and continues to do so.

Yes, it does sound a lot like negging which is pretty vile behaviour

It's sounds like the power split is still really unbalanced. He's still suggesting that you're lucky he chose you and that you wouldn't have found anyone else. He's not particularly subtly doing the abusive thing of "no one else will want you." It does sound like on some level he's threatened by you and that's why he still has to remind you that he's in charge. The not being upset that he hurt you is another big thing. I bet if you look at your relationship you'll find other examples of him putting you down.

A member of my family has been with her husband for over forty years. He spent the first chunk of that treating her like crap. He did a U-turn a long, long time ago, but she still hasn't forgiven him for the way he was at the start of their marriage. And that's with him genuinely being apologetic and listening when she airs her grievances which she still does frequently. Frankly, it fucked up the whole family dynamic, kids included. I think she'd have been better leaving given she is still stewing with resentment over it so many years later, but oh well.

I hope you find some way to address it, OP, whether that's by getting a new power balance or, if you find you can't live with it, by leaving him.

I think you'll find it much easier to move past all this self-loathing and uneasiness once you're free of the person who has deliberately cultivated it and continues to do so.

You have many good points and I have definitely considered this. I suppose I'm wondering though, maybe he really has changed and my shame and embarrassment is causing me to interpret things as worse than they are.

My heart goes out to you OP because your young self sounds very much like mine. I behaved like you did sometimes and I cringe at the memory and feel angry with my husband even after many years (we've been together 25 years now) but it's more of an ocassional twinge as I've built myself up bit by bit over the years.

I was young when we got together (21) and he was 34 and recently divorced. I was insecure, had a toxic relationship with my parents, an eating disorder and I was really adrift after finishing my degree and finding with shock that it wasn't a passport into a successful career and I was doing bar work alongside multiple job applications.

We had a really turbulent couple of years at first. When things were good they were very good but when they were bad they were horrid (I think that's from a nursery rhyme).

Looking back he was clearly not over his wife who'd left him for someone else after only a year of marriage. He would mention her a lot and was clearly upset and angry. Obviously this was not great for me to hear (did I mention I was insecure? Lol) and I would sulk, argue or get upset and cry. This happened a lot. He can't really cope with displays of emotion and there would be horrible arguments during which he would say really horrible things (name calling or taunt me about my weaknesses) or storm out to see his friends (we lived in my old uni town which all my friends had left and I knew no one locally. On a couple of occasions he told me I had to leave (we were renting his brother's house) immediately and he was going to throw my stuff out on the street. I literally had nowhere to go and it was terrifying and I'd be crying and begging which seemed to make him crosser.

As soon as he'd calmed down he would say he didn't mean any of that or couldn't even remember saying it, that it was just the heat of the moment and now we'd let off steam we could just "get back to normal". If I tried to discuss it or tell him how cruel or upsetting it had been I would get told "not to go on about it".

I really hated being so dependent on him and I think my desperation really irritated him. ( I know I've made him sound awful but he was/ is great most if the time but had a fearful temper. )

Once I got a proper job I bought a flat in my name only. We were still together and he moved in too. I think he was very surprised and a bit offended I just went and did that but my reasoning was if he got annoyed with me and tried to break up, he could leave and I got to stay.

Over the next few years I got a professional qualification and worked my way up the ladder. I'm now a partner at my firm and earn quite a bit more than him. I am no longer dependent on him in any way - practically or emotionally. I am with him because I love him and want to be here.

We are fine together now (most of the time haha). We have been married 20 years and have two children. If anything he seems to have more love and respect for me than he did in the early days because he knows if he really pisses me off I can just vote with my feet. On the odd occasion we have had a really big argument and he starts up with his heat of the moment stuff (i.e. "I can't stand you and I'm not putting up with you a moment longer") I just remind him that he knows where the door is and I'll be just fine without him - I bloody well would too! It stops things escalating and he's usually fairly quick to apologise and make up. I can't remember these last time he did the "storming off" thing - probably a decade ago. If anything he now seems to need me more now than I need him so things have really reversed.

I do sometimes shudder when I recall the early years (and jealous when other people describe this as the "honeymoon period") but I remind myself of how proud I should be that I took control and pulled myself back up.

This isn't a fairy tale though and as part of the process of toughening myself up i trained myself not to cry when upset and angry. I am used to that now but sometimes i think maybe it's a bit fucked up that I had to do that so as not to annoy him. However I do still feel emotions and express them in a more assertive matter of fact way, so I wouldn't say I became repressed! In fact it has probably assisted greatly in my career as a lawyer.

What am I actually saying to you OP? I think that I identify with your experiences and feel for you. But that you may be able to live with those memories more easily if you are kind to yourself and build yourself up in a way that is desperate from your marriage. Not necessarily the same way I have done but in a way that suits you.

He is trying to tear down your self esteem isn’t he?

You’re lucky I came back

You’d not have found someone else

Sorry but not sorry.

Why would he even mention it now, he should be embarrassed and contrite at his own behaviour not reminding you of it.

You’re still young, if you wanted to divorce him there’s nothing that says you will be on your own forever. Why would you be, you sound like a catch.

Him on the other hand, who can only hang on to a woman by making her feel like she has no other options. Not such a catch.

Do you love him?

He sounds fairly unpleasant. My guess is that he is in no way helping your poor self-esteem. I'd suggest some good individual counselling to work through this stuff and see how you feel about him then.

I think she'd have been better leaving given she is still stewing with resentment over it so many years later, but oh well.

Yes this is my exact fear. Maybe I should set a time limit of a few months or a year. In that time, talk to him, seek counselling for myself for low self esteem, and see how I feel. If I can move on, great. If I can't, set us both free.

Do you think maybe now that you’ve had four years to reflect and the honeymoon phase it over- you resent him now?

I mean resent him for the way he treated you and how it’s made you feel about yourself?

OP I am sorry I didn't see all your updates before my long post. I had thought you were happy with him now. But this:

He said that I'm lucky he chose me, I'm lucky he gave me children, things like that

... is really horrible. He thinks he still has the upper hand always and he wants you to know it.

honeylulu your experience sounds so similar to me. Except I was 29 as I said, so no excuse really. I suppose ideally I would reach a place like you have done. You are happy and you are strong, and he knows it and has changed.

I feel like I already am quite independent. As I said above, I already have a professional career, own a place to live. I cope well with my dc alone and can afford day care, plus have family to help, so I'm able to be a single parent (not saying it would be easy of course, but I just mean dc related issues aren't keeping me here).

Do you think maybe now that you’ve had four years to reflect and the honeymoon phase it over- you resent him now?

I mean resent him for the way he treated you and how it’s made you feel about yourself?

Yes exactly, if he wanted to leave, fine, that's everyone's right. But I resent him for the way I feel about myself now.

As for the honeymoon phase, not exactly. I feel like we never had a honeymoon phase and this is another thing I resent a little.

If anything, our honeymoon phase is now, we are the happiest we've ever been probably. Which is why I feel silly talking about leaving. But there is this thorn in my side.

I mean, things can't be perfect. I don't know.

He knows he’s punching up, but he doesn’t want you to know it.

OP, I was going to say "in your twenties" then realised I was presuming this because I was myself 'behaving' the same way at 27. But I don't blame myself because I know that my ex was feeding on my insecurities. I think your DH does this too, now to a lesser extent but he is still doing it. Funnily enough, I do not 'behave' this way with my DH. I was not the problem, and you aren't either.

He's kept the negging at a constant low level, just enough to keep you on the back foot and feeling inferior.

I agree with this.

He knows he’s punching up, but he doesn’t want you to know it.

I don't think so. For example, he's made comments before about how it makes sense for him to have a younger wife because he "looks much younger than [he] is" (I'm 34, he's 45). Actually he doesn't look younger at all!

I don't mean this as an insult btw - I think everyone pretty much looks their age, and anyway nothing is wrong with looking your age, it's great/fine/normal. But what a weird attitude to have.

I think - Reading between the lines here and without having to give a long winded response - you've simply GONE OFF HIM

Look I'm not saying I'm great or anything, my comments about job etc aren't me saying I'm so fantastic, and I don't judge people by career anyway. I'm just saying I'm a normal/average person who is equal to him and I've given him no reason to think otherwise.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up for being weak - it's a wasted emotion, a waste of energy. Instead focus on now, and the relationship now, and maybe get counselling so you can boost, your own self esteem, see your own self worth and move on in whatever way you need to.

Yes this is true. I know it's a waste of energy and it's not helping me.

KipperFaced you know you could be right, maybe I'm just latching on to old hurts to explain why, when sometimes there isn't really an explanation or it's a combination of things.

I'm voting for negging too. The thing about neggers is that they are usually insecure underneath. If he really believed you were just "lucky" to have him and he looks so young and gorgeous, he wouldn't need to tell you so.

I think there has been a shift in power dynamic. You've always been the higher achiever but you did used to beg and cry over him so he felt he had the upper hand. Now you don't do that so he wants you kept in the box with a bit of negging instead.

Do you know what, I don't think you'll be together in ten years' time.

So you may as well get rid now, rather than waste those ten years...

Your children must be very small.

Perhaps set yourself a deadline of a year.

You're the higher earner... stay that way.

What would a split be like financially?

I think he very much likes a dynamic where he keeps you on the back foot. Trouble is it's backfired, and you've grown to hate the feeling of knowing you're with someone who isn't very nice really.