Can't forget how DH acted in the past

[RaisinGhost]

Having a bit of an issue in my relationship. When my now DH and I got together, we had sort of a rocky relationship from day one. We had fun but we also had a few falling outs, mainly ending in him storming off and being out of contact for a few days to a week. For some unknown reason I continued the relationship.

The worst of these was when we bickered over some small thing, by this time we lived together, I came home to find he had packed his stuff while I was out and left. He wouldn't answer phone or texts. To my eternal shame, I rang him many times and left messages begging him to come back - I'm cringing writing this. Eventually he did come back but he wasn't sorry, sort of acted like he was doing me a favour.

Anyway a few years later we are married and he's actually changed quite a bit. We rarely argue and he is a good husband.

Thing is, I can't stop being so horribly embarrassed and cringing over the pathetic way I acted. How can I regain my self respect? I feel like he also doesn't really respect me, probably because of this or at least it certainly didn't help. Just seeing him is a constant reminder that I'm not strong, I'm horribly pathetic and a complete and utter loser. On the other hand, apart from that we have a good life together. So how can I accept my past mistakes?

[RaisinGhost]

Anyway thanks everyone, you have given me a lot to think about. I may talk to him again later and update if I have more to get off my chest.

[KipperFaced]

Honestly, you could tie yourself up in knots here, psychoanalysing yourself and him etc etc - honestly, you've gone off him a bit and you don't actually need to justify that once you were dead keen and now you're totally meh towards him . Don't waste your money on counselling unless you really want to and feel it would help you.

I'd start thinking about how you may sort this relationship out now and consider leaving him

[RaisinGhost]

I think he very much likes a dynamic where he keeps you on the back foot. Trouble is it's backfired, and you've grown to hate the feeling of knowing you're with someone who isn't very nice really.

I think this is something. I think his last relationship they had a dynamic where his gf was a bit like that - not crying/begging but enjoyed fussing over him a bit and being the more loving one. Now that dynamic is fine if it works for both of you. Some people even like being kept on the back foot - the thrill of the chase and all that. But it's not how I do things.

[Collidascope]

Think about how you'd feel if he came home tonight and said he wanted the marriage to end. Would you be devastated, relieved, a bit upset but not distraught?

[RaisinGhost]

I see what you mean kipper, sometimes things can be over analysed. Sometimes a spade is just a spade and sometimes a dead relationship is just that.

[RaisinGhost]

@Collidascope

Think about how you'd feel if he came home tonight and said he wanted the marriage to end. Would you be devastated, relieved, a bit upset but not distraught?

I feel like I'd be a bit sad, but not distraught. But (as I've found) it's impossible to say until you are in that situation. Imagine it happened and I was distraught! I'd hopefully come on here first and get some straight talking before being pathetic again.

[Hidingtonothing]

Lots of vitriol aimed at yourself for being 'pathetic', not so much aimed at him for packing his stuff and leaving without so much as a word I would be really digging deep to figure out why that is OP.

[Asurvivor]

Haven’t read all the thread so I could be totally wrong here - but am ashamed to say that I have been exactly like your dh in my current relationship - storming out, staying out of contact for a few days etc. My dp has been very patient and always taken me back, despite the dramas I have created, and now I have “grown” out of them. He too pleaded with me to come back and I am eternally grateful that he did, I needed him to do that. I saw it strength on his part, not weakness.
Why did I act in such a dramatic childish way at the start of our relationship? Because I couldn’t deal with conflict, had no tools for resolving and felt completely overwhelmed when I felt triggered - by seemingly small things. I needed to test him (terrible though that sounds).
If your dh stopped creating drama because he is more secure with you - not because he thinks you give in to him - I think that is a good thing. He has learnt from you that conflicts can be resolved. If he is not creating dramas because he knows you will give in to him, well that is something else.

[billy1966]

OP,

He sounds like an awful prick.

I think you are seeing him clearly finally and yes you are embarrassed, but also maybe developing the Ick.

I don't think you are just going to get over this.
It runs deep from what you have written.

I think you absolutely need to get some counselling.

You sound like a nice woman who fell for a twat and as you have matured you realise that he isn't this great prize.

You have buyer's remorse!😁

Very few people live their lives without a cringy moment.

I also think looking into moving job would be a good idea.

I certainly wouldn't ever give up your financial independence.

He's at his core a twat.
Probably insecure.
Certainly not attractive in his personality.
He sounds vain and shallow.

He's the sort of fellow I'd love to see have his ass dumped and his cough softened.

If you think you might be happier moving on...go for it.

He doesn't sound like he would be any great loss.

Good husbands don't make their wives feel as you do.

You are worth 10 of him...

You married down. Big time. Sorry!

[RUOKHon]

I actually think your self esteem is starting to recover. You can acknowledge that you’re the higher earner, better educated, younger, better looking. I think you’re starting to recognise and appreciate your worth.

I wonder whether it’s less about you begging him to stay and more about questioning who the fuck he thought he was to treat you that way when you have so much going for you and he... doesn’t.

In short, like a PP said, I think you have evolved and developed to a point of strength where now you are just starting to go off him. And given his past behaviour, no one would blame you at all.

[Boudicabooandbulldogs]

I have begged my partner now my husband to come back, try again, not leave. This was at the beginning of our now 25y relationship.
Do I think I was cringy, weak, pathetic. Not in the slightest, I love him I embraced my emotions I don’t in any way think they demeaned me and made him superior. I didn’t want him to go and I showed that. Like another poster I think that takes strength. It can also be used as a very manipulative tool. So it’s too easy to say it’s weak.
I think perhaps counselling would be a good idea as you seem to be judging everything he now does on your actions from the past. If he says/does something now do you stand up for yourself. You seem to be aware of your worth professionally however you have become stuck on this aspect of your past behaviour.
If you do not love him then don’t stay. If he is demeaning you then don’t stay. If he is not loving towards you don’t stay. But don’t judge your current relationship on something that happened years ago. There will always be a slight power dynamic in most relationships and it will shift and change over the years. Most people don’t even realise it as it’s so subtle.

[MulticolourMophead]

@sadpapercourtesan

Sorry to be the spectre at the feast, but I'd kick him out. his supercilious, contemptuous attitude towards you hasnt gone anywhere, has it? He's a bit more muted about it because he doesn't want to rock the boat, but he's kept the negging at a constant low level, just enough to keep you on the back foot and feeling inferior. He's a dick. I think you'll find it much easier to move past all this self-loathing and uneasiness once you're free of the person who has deliberately cultivated it and continues to do so.

I agree with this actually. His comments are still feeding that low self esteem of yours, and I'm sure he knows it.

My own self esteem shot up amazingly when I left my ex, who also had a good line in negging comments when I was in a good place. I can look back and see just how much I sacrificed for him, and I know I'd have been the main earner if I'd made the better choice years ago.

OP, I think you should have counselling. You need to sort your thoughts out, and not just about your cringyness years ago. You need to evaluate whether this relationship is right for you.

You don't have to live together to be able to co parent well.

[backseatcookers]

@FizzyGreenWater

Do you know what, I don't think you'll be together in ten years' time.

So you may as well get rid now, rather than waste those ten years...

Your children must be very small.

Perhaps set yourself a deadline of a year.

You're the higher earner... stay that way.

What would a split be like financially?

I think he very much likes a dynamic where he keeps you on the back foot. Trouble is it's backfired, and you've grown to hate the feeling of knowing you're with someone who isn't very nice really.

As always, sensible AF advice from @FizzyGreenWater

[MuseumOfYou]

This rings lots of bells for me; my DH left after a year of marriage saying everything was broken. A couple of weeks later, he had a sudden dramatic medical episode and moved in with someone he had known three weeks. She had her own MH issues. Six months later, he moved back home and we cracked on with life.

This was 7 years ago and we are pretty good now but I went through all the things you are feeling. I also felt weak and ashamed that I didn't leave him and I wouldn't have asked for advice on MN because I knew exactly what would be said. He never really talked about what happened and had quite a severe breakdown a few months later.

I did work on my self esteem, went out more, didn't rely on him for all emotional support and I didn't put him on the pedestal I used to. I firmly batted anything back that I felt was out of order. I didn't really like him for a long time and occasionally I have a little wobble but he's manned up, really looks after me and knows that I wouldn't put up with a second's nonsense these days.

I never really got the explanation I was looking for, though I have had sincere apologies. We have a good life with our DD and when I look back, it feels like we were two different people. I worried a lot what people would think about us and gradually I realised that it's not really that important.

I'm not sure what I am trying to say really, I suppose it's down to you ultimately, perhaps set yourself a time limit and if you don't feel better, call it a day. In the meantime, hallenge every negative comment very firmly though.

[Bassettgirl]

Lots of vitriol aimed at yourself for being 'pathetic', not so much aimed at him for packing his stuff and leaving without so much as a word

I agree.

[MadeForThis]

He sounds massively insecure and makes himself feel better by belittling you.
He maybe hasn't changed his behaviour, he's just got more subtle.

You are younger, more successful, more widely liked. He can't compete so he drags you down.

You need to confront him with this behaviour. It could be subconscious, although unlikely.

If he can't admit his behaviour and actively apologise and change then you might be happier if you walk away.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

It doesn't sound like he's changed at all OP. He is still trying to bring you down and point out how bloody lucky you are to have him!!

He's threatened by your achievements and it comes out in the nastiness towards to put you back in your place, that weak 29 year old who begged him to come back.
He's nasty!!

[Foxinthechickencoop]

So... this sort of happened with DH and I before we were married. He stormed off and ignored me for a week, I cried and begged and made a twat if myself in front of his family and our friends, desperate to find out what was happening etc.
Anyway fast forward a few years I realised what an idiot I had been and how immature we both were.
When we had a serious break down in our relationship the next time, it was me that left, but in a calm controlled way, never ignored him, left communication lines open. He was completely thrown and didn’t know what to do.
However it certainly changed the dynamic of our relationship and he certainly knows if he walked again I wouldn’t be begging him back...

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Does he EVER acknowledge when he's been a tit? If he says something that upsets you nowadays, does he apologise and acknowledge your hurt, or is he still brushing you off as though your feelings don't matter?

In other words, has he grown up a bit or is he still very dismissive of your emotions, even when he has caused them?

[SoulofanAggron]

I could leave myself but aside from this it is a good marriage.

Telling you you're lucky to have him, you might never have met someone else etc isn't a good marriage. He sounds like a narcissist. Saying that sort of thing is emotional abuse.

I think he takes you for granted- I had one like that, even though I was 14 years younger. When I told him 'I don't have to be with you. If you're crap, I won't bother,'^ he upped his game. We split up eventually but for other reasons.

I think the only way you'll feel better is to dump him (which he's done plenty to deserve) and/or EMDR. I thought my worst memory was losing a cat BTW. That was the one with the greatest emotional charge that would depress me every time I thought of it. And that incident was about 13 years ago- there were other things happening at the time which made it worse. So, your worst memories could be anything. What matters is what the incident means to you/what you feel about it.

We just discussed it now, he said that I should feel fine about it now because he "hasn't done it since". That's setting the bar rather low isn't it? Not getting regularly ghosted by one's own husband - geez I'm the luckiest girl in the world

He sounds like a wanker OP.

Maybe he really has changed

He isn't acting like he's changed, except maybe for the worse.

"looks much younger than [he] is" (I'm 34, he's 45). Actually he doesn't look younger at all!

This is a narcissist.

[SoulofanAggron]

We just discussed it now, he said that I should feel fine about it now because he "hasn't done it since".

Is it me, or does this have overtones of claiming he could at any time? I really think he likes to keep you insecure.

[rvby]

Yeah, he's keeping you on the back foot.

My ex was a lot like this. Funny, when I finally broke and told him I was leaving him because I couldn't bear to spend my life with someone who thought I was less than them, he instantly knew he had overplayed his hand.

Men who do things like this, and then talk this way about those things years later, have created a dynamic that they're invested in keeping in place, because it works for them. It gets them what they want.

[Kelcat9494]

Things happen and people change. If you didn't do anything about it at the time there's no point dragging it up now especially since then you've had children and gotten married. I'd let it go, put it down to you both being young and stupid and now you're more mature and happily married

[Iggypoppie]

I second couples counselling, it sounds like communication is lacking and you need to feel more secure but understanding what went wrong in the early days. It's like your relationship needs a 'reset'. Hopefully for the better.

[Iggypoppie]

*by not but