Would this annoy you (porn-related)?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Name changed for this one.


DP and I have been together 15 years, one child, lots of relationship ups and downs but something that has kept us both here.

He is in his early 30s and has a few mates (some older, some the same age) that are largely single and joke around about porn - basically sending videos to each other on a WhatsApp group that are ‘funny’ because they are in some way semi-grotesque (think woman pinging Ping Pong balls out her of vagina kind of thing). To my knowledge because of his version of events, he doesn’t share any of these videos/pictures and has been quite objective and critical of it - although I’ve always been quite sure he does watch a bit of porn, he’s been quite disparaging about his mates’ fixation with this kind of thing and some of the stuff he is sent. He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’ and I believed him.

Yesterday morning I saw his phone left on the coffee table overnight. I don’t think I’ve checked his phone for about 8 years (there is some history of inappropriate behaviour) but for whatever reason, I had a nudge to check it. I looked at his search history and saw loads of searches for ‘latex angel’ and a video on a website that had been looked at, as well as some gay porn searches but no videos. This occurred yesterday morning while I was working from home and presumably when he nipped to a friend’s who happens to live down the road or possibly in the half hour before he left the house (the only times he wasn’t with me). I confronted him immediately and he made out his friend had used his phone without his consent then his story gradually changed to ‘it’s banter and laughs amongst the lads’, says most men do it and it’s none of my business. He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel up for it and was giving him the cold shoulder.

He’s now trying to turn this around on me and saying I’m being over sensitive. I have said that I don’t like the deceit rather than being worried about him looking at porn - the way he pretended to not partake in that behaviour and actually, he does. Probably frequently because I doubt yesterday was an irregularity. I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends, which I have seen plenty of men do to women over the years. He is usually very open with me about his personality in quite an unusual way, warts and all, but this is making me question how much I maybe don’t know after all?

I’m also appalled that his sense of ‘humour’ is just so basic and juvenile and borderline misogynistic, like all his idiotic friends. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends I guess! Although I still don’t really feel sure of the ‘it’s funny’ narrative because the video I watched from his search history wasn’t ‘funny’ like some people might think a vagina ping pong video is, although I only watched a few seconds.

This feels like the final straw in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall so would appreciate your perspectives on this.

[Girlmum91]

I couldn't really care less about what porn my partner watches as I watch it myself sometimes. Just because someone watches certain videos online doesn't necessarily mean they're into that stuff in real life.

You do say you want honesty from him but I can understand him lying as you come off as very critical of porn and he knows you'd be disgusted with him if he told the truth. He IS that kind of guy and he was obviously pretending not to be because he wanted it to work with you and you're not into that type of thing.

I think it's pretty normal to be a slightly different person with your mates than your partner although I can see why you'd be upset at finding out he isn't who he has portrayed himself to be.

This wouldn't be the final straw for me but if he's not a great partner in other ways then it doesn't sound like you two are very compatible. The way you describe him makes him seem like he's in his early 20s.

[yetmorecrap]

OP you are totally entitled to find this unsavoury and not ok. For the mumsnetters on here don’t give a shit what partners crack off too in secret- well good for you- but many women do care and find it totally changes their view on a person. That’s just life, unless you are up front about it and accept it may not be an ok practice for a partner, it’s no different to gambling, excessive drinking or concealing huge debt— it’s something that someone else isn’t ok with — so if you are into it and expect to watch it— then best to be honest and upfront about it