Would this annoy you (porn-related)?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Name changed for this one.

DP and I have been together 15 years, one child, lots of relationship ups and downs but something that has kept us both here.

He is in his early 30s and has a few mates (some older, some the same age) that are largely single and joke around about porn - basically sending videos to each other on a WhatsApp group that are ‘funny’ because they are in some way semi-grotesque (think woman pinging Ping Pong balls out her of vagina kind of thing). To my knowledge because of his version of events, he doesn’t share any of these videos/pictures and has been quite objective and critical of it - although I’ve always been quite sure he does watch a bit of porn, he’s been quite disparaging about his mates’ fixation with this kind of thing and some of the stuff he is sent. He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’ and I believed him.

Yesterday morning I saw his phone left on the coffee table overnight. I don’t think I’ve checked his phone for about 8 years (there is some history of inappropriate behaviour) but for whatever reason, I had a nudge to check it. I looked at his search history and saw loads of searches for ‘latex angel’ and a video on a website that had been looked at, as well as some gay porn searches but no videos. This occurred yesterday morning while I was working from home and presumably when he nipped to a friend’s who happens to live down the road or possibly in the half hour before he left the house (the only times he wasn’t with me). I confronted him immediately and he made out his friend had used his phone without his consent then his story gradually changed to ‘it’s banter and laughs amongst the lads’, says most men do it and it’s none of my business. He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel up for it and was giving him the cold shoulder.

He’s now trying to turn this around on me and saying I’m being over sensitive. I have said that I don’t like the deceit rather than being worried about him looking at porn - the way he pretended to not partake in that behaviour and actually, he does. Probably frequently because I doubt yesterday was an irregularity. I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends, which I have seen plenty of men do to women over the years. He is usually very open with me about his personality in quite an unusual way, warts and all, but this is making me question how much I maybe don’t know after all?

I’m also appalled that his sense of ‘humour’ is just so basic and juvenile and borderline misogynistic, like all his idiotic friends. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends I guess! Although I still don’t really feel sure of the ‘it’s funny’ narrative because the video I watched from his search history wasn’t ‘funny’ like some people might think a vagina ping pong video is, although I only watched a few seconds.

This feels like the final straw in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall so would appreciate your perspectives on this.

@DonnaQuixote

Hurting and degrading women is just soooooo funny, isn't it? And if you happen to disagree you are just some uptight, oversensitive prude with no sense of humor. And then people wonder why is there so much domestic violence and rape, how could that not be, if this kind of sh*t is so normalized.

Good for you OP if you LTB, you deserve better.

It’s so strangely normalised by men who should know better...I think that’s partly my upset.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

I accept I'm in the total minority here, but genuinely wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

There's shame and stigma attached to porn, and bearing in mind how you feel about it, I think it's understandable that he feels embarrassed about you finding out.

From the description above, Latex Angel sounds pretty grim even for someone who's OK with porn. But I think it's entirely plausible that he was looking for images/clips etc to wind up mates. That's entirely separate from the fact he obviously uses porn himself to get his rocks off.

The thing is though, this isn't about what I think or actually what anyone else here thinks. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you, then that's what's important. If you're unhappy about it and the relationship is poor overall - which it sounds like from your comments - then it's time to consider whether it's making you happy.

Thank you, I appreciate your perspective! I think it’s the deceit and the type of porn that’s bothering me the most, in the context of a relationship that probably isn’t good enough to compensate for it.

@year5teacher

Is it really a normal thing for “lads” (grown men) to send each other porn on WhatsApp? How depressing. I hate this “oh well boys will be boys” shit, and personally I would find the idea of men sending each other that shit to laugh at so immature and I don’t have a problem with my partner watching porn.

The whole thing sounds immature and unnecessary.

I feel the same way. Two of his friends that do it are in their late 40s/early 50s! One of them has four daughters (that he is an excellent father to)! Can’t get my head around how they think this is ok.

He brought up his old boss’ wife having a laugh about a double fisting video a few years ago

@MaybeTheFinalStraw I really doubt this. Maybe some women would find it funny, but if so I'd say she's the unusual one, not you.

Would you like to go into some of the other stuff he's done that makes this the final straw?

in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall

Tbh, I think this is enough reason to end things without the whole rest of your post'

Being the only adult in a marriage wears you down like water on rock OMG that is such a good way to put it.

@IveGotFrills

Did you check anything else on his phone op? Messages etc? And what does his other searches show? Is this an unusual search?

I checked his call log, messages and WhatsApp - nothing in there that roused my suspicions. I don’t think he would delete anything as he was so surprised that I’d randomly checked his phone. He also left his phone on the coffee table overnight and charges it on my side of the bed overnight, which I wouldn’t do if I was hiding something. But then who knows!!

I stupidly didn’t go further back into his internet searches to identify a pattern but I don’t need to really, he didn’t pretend it was a one off - it’s what lads do apparently. I asked him how he even knew about ‘latex angel’ to specifically google her and he said he was just something men know about. No, it’s something he knows about because he’s clearly into his porn and has just barefaced lied about it for years. This is coming from a guy who doesn’t like me using a vibrator, even with him, by the way! Seemingly because he’s threatened that I could get pleasure from something other than him.

@SoulofanAggron

He brought up his old boss’ wife having a laugh about a double fisting video a few years ago

@MaybeTheFinalStraw I really doubt this. Maybe some women would find it funny, but if so I'd say she's the unusual one, not you.

Would you like to go into some of the other stuff he's done that makes this the final straw?

Thank you for the reassurance that I’m not some uptight prude!

There are so many things that have happened over the years, big and small, but I’ll never forget a friend telling me he just doesn’t respect me or care about my needs. He does pretty much nothing with our son. He has a temper so I pick my battles and don’t rock the boat more often than not (not like me). He doesn’t contribute 50/50 on our expenses despite often having more money than I do (he’s self-employed and tends to earn quite well but not as consistently as my salaried job) but when I was more well off, he was very happy to spend lots of my money. He doesn’t really make the effort for anyone though - I bought his mum’s birthday present this month and our son’s last month because otherwise they would have had nothing except him promising on the day to get them something or take them somewhere, which doesn’t happen. He is becoming more and more fussy with what he likes to eat and more often than not turns his nose up at the dinner I’ve bought and cooked - I’m a good cook and I make a lot of effort to eat fresh, varied meals because I enjoy food.

The porn wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but the laundry list of shit behaviour in your last post most certainly would.

Sounds like this is a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment for you?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

The porn wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but the laundry list of shit behaviour in your last post most certainly would.

Sounds like this is a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment for you?

Absolutely that! We met when we were very young, gone through a lot of tragedies together (trauma bonding I guess) but I think I’ve brushed so much under the carpet, there wasn’t room for this final thing. I think a part of it is that I always felt I knew his flaws - that he was arrogant enough to be upfront about himself, warts and all, and there was some relief in that. I’d never want to be with a man who had one face for me and another for his mates. Now I’m realising I don’t know him completely. Worst of all, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and he should be entitled to his privacy.

We haven’t spoken all day - unheard of.

I asked him how he even knew about ‘latex angel’ to specifically google her and he said he was just something men know about.

Recently the ethics around sites like porn hub have put me right off using it but for a few years, when I seemed to get "last chance saloon fertility" insane sex drive I admittedly used a lot of porn and ranged over lots of types (though I find some extreme types, including fisting, repulsive) , became v familiar with lots of porn actors and actresses names etc .... And j have never once heard of that site/porn actress. It's not mainstream. I don't know if he or one of his pals first came across it, but whoever did is clearly into extreme porn with fisting/gaping.

You said he's fixated on anal sex.

He says he only looked that up to wind up a pal who's into porn like that ... Bit of a coincidence that "brutal" anal fisting is the first thing mentioned in its tagline.

Maybe that is just a coincidence and he really was in it to send friends stuff/links or maybe it isn't.

"It's my friend's, my friend uses that" is however the most time worn go to for (usually young) people saying something illicit is not theirs (drugs, cigs, porn etc).

Also if you aren't into something and it's quite extreme, you really tend to not send time perusing it, linking it, forwarding it, whatever.

You tend to go "uuugh, fk no" and would presumably pass on it as a way to "banter" with mates.

He said “most men do it”... no. Some but not most

*not spend time

He brought up his old boss’ wife having a laugh about a double fisting video a few years ago

If that's true, of say she's an unusual woman.

From your posting you have one foot out of the door already. This is a good thing as it sounds like the bad stuff you have gone through as a couple has hurt you more than him and he does exactly what he likes and to hell with the consequences.

I would get legal advice now. Knowledge is power after all but I would take care as he sounds horrible and the second he realises you are going he might turn nasty so to use a well worn adage, get your ducks in a row first. Legal advice. Stash important papers. Get evidence of all earnings etc and then formulate a plan. Hide your internet activity and get out before something happens to prevent it like him having a stroke or something where you are tied to him forever without looking like the wrong un if you leave.

My OH had a WhatsApp group where his friends would send porn, it was very vanilla porn (very normal). My OH didn’t send any back if I’m honest and he has left the chat now as it was everyday they were sending it lol.

With regards to your OH I’m sorry to say but he sounds very weird. Never heard of latex angel or whatever but it sounds creepy 😂 also the fisting thing is so extreme, no way does any woman enjoy that. You’re definitely not a prude, if that’s case everyone on this forum must be!

The gay porn thing is worrying, but he could’ve been sending them to the chat so they’d open and see gay porn and not their usual fisting vids🥴

@GilbertMarkham

I asked him how he even knew about ‘latex angel’ to specifically google her and he said he was just something men know about.

Recently the ethics around sites like porn hub have put me right off using it but for a few years, when I seemed to get "last chance saloon fertility" insane sex drive I admittedly used a lot of porn and ranged over lots of types (though I find some extreme types, including fisting, repulsive) , became v familiar with lots of porn actors and actresses names etc .... And j have never once heard of that site/porn actress. It's not mainstream. I don't know if he or one of his pals first came across it, but whoever did is clearly into extreme porn with fisting/gaping.

You said he's fixated on anal sex.

He says he only looked that up to wind up a pal who's into porn like that ... Bit of a coincidence that "brutal" anal fisting is the first thing mentioned in its tagline.

Maybe that is just a coincidence and he really was in it to send friends stuff/links or maybe it isn't.

"It's my friend's, my friend uses that" is however the most time worn go to for (usually young) people saying something illicit is not theirs (drugs, cigs, porn etc).

Thank you, I appreciate the female porn-viewer perspective. Putting it all together, it’s clear he has sexual interests he’s downplayed or made a joke out of and is far, far more involved with porn that I’d ever imagined!

@InspectorGoul

From your posting you have one foot out of the door already. This is a good thing as it sounds like the bad stuff you have gone through as a couple has hurt you more than him and he does exactly what he likes and to hell with the consequences.

I would get legal advice now. Knowledge is power after all but I would take care as he sounds horrible and the second he realises you are going he might turn nasty so to use a well worn adage, get your ducks in a row first. Legal advice. Stash important papers. Get evidence of all earnings etc and then formulate a plan. Hide your internet activity and get out before something happens to prevent it like him having a stroke or something where you are tied to him forever without looking like the wrong un if you leave.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ready to leave but you’re right, he won’t respond well. It’s my house too (long story) so it could get messy.

If it was just a bit of vanilla basic porn I would be fine with that but this is extreme. I had to Google latex Ange and read 'fisted until it prolapsed' on one of the 'enticing' sites. I now feel sick. He'd be out. Vile. Sorry OP

it’s clear he has sexual interests he’s downplayed or made a joke out of and is far, far more involved with porn that I’d ever imagined!

Perhaps he did encounter the site through one of his (oh so charming) pals .. but i call bullshit on him saying it's something all men know about. I'd say must men know about mainstream porn sites, I would not say most let alone all men know about extreme, fetish, rather gory sites like that one.

As above, even if a mate.was into it and mentioned it .. wouldnt someone "normal" go "ewww" when they saw the content, give it a swerve and just tell their mate they're sick. I know I would abd lots of people I know would if they were pointed at extreme content.

It would be interesting, when the dust dies down and he thinks it's safe again if you were to monitor his internet use, though could you be arsed.

Tbh his behaviour in the rest of the relationship seems shit.

Yes it definitely would annoy me. From the moment I read that he was making sure you knew he was disparaging it, the bell rang in my head; PROTEST TOO MUCH ALERT! flashing in neon. (or trying too hard to convince you, in other words) Nothing piques ones suspicions more than someone over-emphasising how they are 'not into' something. It just seems so weird that he was bending over backwards making sure YOU knew he 'wasn't into that', as some sort of cover. So you would never suspect. If he has to go out of his way to convince you he isn't into it, then you know he definitely is into it. So I knew the direction this was going to go in before I read about him leaving his phone unattended. As other posters have said, if he wasn't into it he would have left that group, deleted the pics - anything but try way too hard to convince you it isn't him. You are not too sensitive at all. Wanting to be respected by your partner is not too sensitive. You are simply a normal partner who was shocked at what she saw. His dismissing your feelings is unsensitive of him, and very disrespectful of you.

It’s my house too (long story) so it could get messy.

If he's only a partner, unless he can provd he's paid towards the mortgage or renovations etc, I don't think he can claim any value ... Though legal advice would be a v good idea.

though could you be arsed.

Sorry, that was the a totally unintentional pun.

Make him watch it with you and explain why he likes it.

You can point out that this is not looking like much fun for the women. Because most of it isn't. It's abuse, particularly what you have described.

I did this with an ex and it changed his perspective immediately.

And yes I think that is genuine.

Oh man. I googled 'latex angel' and made the mistake of clicking on one of the sites. I didn't open the thumbnails but they are disgusting, including the double anal fisting one. I'm not a complete stranger to porn. All the thumbnails were bad, but that one the worst. Seems like he likes his stuff as hardcore as possible. As men go on with watching a lot of porn, they have to find new or harder things to get the same 'kick' in my experience. So I'd say he's probably a bit of a connoisseur.