Would this annoy you (porn-related)?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Name changed for this one.


DP and I have been together 15 years, one child, lots of relationship ups and downs but something that has kept us both here.

He is in his early 30s and has a few mates (some older, some the same age) that are largely single and joke around about porn - basically sending videos to each other on a WhatsApp group that are ‘funny’ because they are in some way semi-grotesque (think woman pinging Ping Pong balls out her of vagina kind of thing). To my knowledge because of his version of events, he doesn’t share any of these videos/pictures and has been quite objective and critical of it - although I’ve always been quite sure he does watch a bit of porn, he’s been quite disparaging about his mates’ fixation with this kind of thing and some of the stuff he is sent. He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’ and I believed him.

Yesterday morning I saw his phone left on the coffee table overnight. I don’t think I’ve checked his phone for about 8 years (there is some history of inappropriate behaviour) but for whatever reason, I had a nudge to check it. I looked at his search history and saw loads of searches for ‘latex angel’ and a video on a website that had been looked at, as well as some gay porn searches but no videos. This occurred yesterday morning while I was working from home and presumably when he nipped to a friend’s who happens to live down the road or possibly in the half hour before he left the house (the only times he wasn’t with me). I confronted him immediately and he made out his friend had used his phone without his consent then his story gradually changed to ‘it’s banter and laughs amongst the lads’, says most men do it and it’s none of my business. He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel up for it and was giving him the cold shoulder.

He’s now trying to turn this around on me and saying I’m being over sensitive. I have said that I don’t like the deceit rather than being worried about him looking at porn - the way he pretended to not partake in that behaviour and actually, he does. Probably frequently because I doubt yesterday was an irregularity. I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends, which I have seen plenty of men do to women over the years. He is usually very open with me about his personality in quite an unusual way, warts and all, but this is making me question how much I maybe don’t know after all?

I’m also appalled that his sense of ‘humour’ is just so basic and juvenile and borderline misogynistic, like all his idiotic friends. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends I guess! Although I still don’t really feel sure of the ‘it’s funny’ narrative because the video I watched from his search history wasn’t ‘funny’ like some people might think a vagina ping pong video is, although I only watched a few seconds.

This feels like the final straw in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall so would appreciate your perspectives on this.

[FlapsInTheWind]

Actually as he's a DP only and not a DH it makes things a lot easier. Be prepared for him to make a lot of claims but he would be unlikely to get far and he will have to pay towards the kids too.

A new life awaits. See a solicitor so you know where you stand.

You can leave him for any reason at all and in your shoes I wouldn't mention the porn thing again. He will only twist it to you being small minded/frigid blah blah blah. Tell him you don't see a future with him/it's not working for you any more/you want freedom more than you want him as your partner going forward. Any old blandishment that covers all bases and cuts him off from coming up with a 'solution'. He will know why you are doing it but why give him a hook?

[FlapsInTheWind]

Oh and in a lad of 17 or so this is funny/interesting but in an adult male it is fulfilling a need. I learned this the hard way.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Thank you for the advice everyone, I’m letting this all sink but think I’m going to plan to see a friend at the weekend and strategise.

We have actually spoken tonight. I’ve raised a lot of the points on this thread (thank you for helping me realise I’m not over sensitive) and he has been defiant and defensive that he hasn’t done anything wrong, that I don’t realise what the world is like, don’t know what’s on the internet if I think that’s bad and don’t understand what a lot of men do for banter and to be extreme, that it’s the men who aren’t upfront about this stuff who you need to watch out for because they’re the ones who hide real seediness, but he also said he shouldn’t have to share everything with me.

He said I’m naive and what will I do when our son is shown something like this at school? I said I’d hope and believe he wouldn’t reshare it or find it funny. He said he remembers being about our son’s age (11) and catching his older sister and friend watching porn and that he remembers being horrified and upset about.

He says now the extreme stuff is dark humour, morbid fascination humour, a so bad you can hardly look type of thing - I said that doesn’t align with searching for it and sharing it with any frequency really. He said that latex angel does this with her husband and it looks like they’re amateurs and asked me if that’s still abuse?? I said you know a lot about it then, and he said he was shown it years ago by a mate, to which I remarked he’s remembered it (or watched it) all this time then.

He thinks I’m being so over the top but I’m questioning my entire trust of him and have called him a misogynist multiple times.

He also said I don’t understand that some women have bigger vaginas and bums than I do and that when I say it would be extremely painful and have long term effects, it just wouldn’t be that bad for some women. I was stunned by that. I asked if he would find it extremely painful as a big guy with a big bum (sorry) and he admitted he would.

He referenced a guy he once worked with sending double penetration videos and a woman sticking basketballs (??) up her arse - you would never imagine this guy would do that! He also referred to a story I once told him about a friend of mine’s childhood sweetheart (they’re now married) who at the age of 18 was infamously found passed out in a spare bedroom at a party with a spatula handle up his bum, having seemingly had a wank. I suppose this is him trying to suggest all men have some kind of sleaziness to them. He says he doesn’t watch things like latex angel for pleasure but I don’t really believe him, I’m sure at the very least loves a bit of double penetration

He says every time I’ve looked at him all day I’ve been looking at him like he is vile and my enemy. Peppered in between all these statements he’s made, he says he does understand why I’m upset, that he agrees with me that it’s wrong and it shouldn’t be out there. I got quite extreme and said child porn is out there too but it doesn’t mean anybody with any morality looks at it and shares it! He said I was being ridiculous.

I’ve been feeling so calm and rational for the past day and half but after our conversation, I’m feeling a bit upset about it all and have a lump at the back of my throat. I did get a bit shouty with him too. I don’t think it helps that I’m due on my period, which always makes me feel more emotional.

[GilbertMarkham]

He said that latex angel does this with her husband and it looks like they’re amateurs and asked me if that’s still abuse??

So what.

Wasnt Linda Lovelace's husband her pimp,l too, had her having sex with dogs for money (?)

Just because it's someone's partner/spouse and, or they're amateurs direct mean there's no exploitation or abuse.

What kind of person in all seriousness could encourage and make money out of their partner stretching orifices of their body (especially one not designed for penetration) to the point of prolapse ... Abd truly have their best interests at heart?

Does her husband do it too?

If not, he's not going to be the one with structural damage to his anus and rectum (and it seems like vagina too in get case) and continence issues for life.

And the person doing it, sorry but I worry a out their mental state. They're doing something so extreme it's damaging them

Anyway, as you pointed out, he seems to know rather a lot about her/them for someone who only went on the site for material to "banter" with etc his mate who's into it .

[GilbertMarkham]

*doesn't mean

[SoulofanAggron]

that I don’t realise what the world is like

That is gaslighting you and claiming your view of the world and what you're seeing with your eyes isn't true. Trust your senses/knowledge of the world. You know that this ain't right. Don't let him bamboozle you. My ex was like this. If they do this, you need to question their motives to yourself. It's a deliberate lie. I can't think of many things worse than double fisting! And I've been known to watch porn in the past. Double penetration seems much tamer in comparison. And sometimes (almost always men, because there's a prostate gland up there) people like to stick something up their bum to have a wank. It's not the same.

I’ve been feeling so calm and rational for the past day and half but after our conversation, I’m feeling a bit upset about it all and have a lump at the back of my throat. I did get a bit shouty with him too. I don’t think it helps that I’m due on my period, which always makes me feel more emotional.

You feel that way because he's trying to fuck with your head. We're all agreeing with you double fisting porn isn't normal (and presumably her husband isn't both fists IDK.) We outnumber him and we're telling you you're right. Your whole time on this planet tells you what he's saying is bullshit- hold on to that.

I thought it was great that you answered him back a bit. Remember the truth- this thread will help you. Keep going, follow your own (and all of our's) accurate perception of reality.

1. He's lied and said this is normal.
   
2. That is to try and convince you that what he does (and what he believes) is ok, is reality.
   
3. He's pretty much gone back on his earlier story of just sharing it with his mate as a joke.
   
4. If he wasn't really into this stuff I don't think he'd have to mount a major defence of it. He'd just go 'oh I know, it is pretty gross, sorry.' It seems to mean a lot to him.
   
   He's trying to convince you the world is wall-to-wall grossness. It's not, there's a 'normal' reality that vastly outnumbers that. Don't let him taint your view of the world. Let it taint your view of men like him.

[GilbertMarkham]

He's really going for the "it's normal" angle, isnt he?

It's not.

Neither the constant passing around of explicit, degrading, extreme sexual material nor someone being interested in "brutal anal fisting" etc.

That type of porn is not mainstream, he can claim what he likes, it's not. You will find it if you look for it on mainstream sites but it's not on the main pages, not the standard fare. Fisting is a fetish.

The subject of the constant communication of (usually degrading) porn clips and images among groups of men (and occasionally mixed groups etc) has appeared on here several.times ... And there are plenty of people whose partners do not do this.

Mine doesn't - he's far from.sny perfect angel, believe me, bit he works in a male dominated industry and he doesn't do this .. nor do people he knows.

I asked him in relation to another thread a d he asked what she the guys in question were, I said 30s, 40s etc and he was just no plussed and derisory. Said the only people it's explicable among is young immature people.

O think this sort if stuff days a lot about the people in question. And the older they are, the worse it says.

[SoulofanAggron]

My ex was like this in that he tried to tell me my knowledge of the world was all wrong, I mean. With him it was women's difficulties in their relationships. He had to play down what women suffer at the hands of men. I believe this was so I didn't see what he was upto.

If they gaslight, I'd say there's usually a reason. With your partner it's probably that he's trying to paint his behaviour/proclivities as normal. Maybe he even hopes he might get you into this shit.

[GilbertMarkham]

*what age

Oh and he wouldn't lie if people dud send him stuff because he had no need to, I watch more porn than he does.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

@GilbertMarkham

He said that latex angel does this with her husband and it looks like they’re amateurs and asked me if that’s still abuse??

So what.

Wasnt Linda Lovelace's husband her pimp,l too, had her having sex with dogs for money (?)

Just because it's someone's partner/spouse and, or they're amateurs direct mean there's no exploitation or abuse.

What kind of person in all seriousness could encourage and make money out of their partner stretching orifices of their body (especially one not designed for penetration) to the point of prolapse ... Abd truly have their best interests at heart?

Does her husband do it too?

If not, he's not going to be the one with structural damage to his anus and rectum (and it seems like vagina too in get case) and continence issues for life.

And the person doing it, sorry but I worry a out their mental state. They're doing something so extreme it's damaging them

Anyway, as you pointed out, he seems to know rather a lot about her/them for someone who only went on the site for material to "banter" with etc his mate who's into it .

Totally agree. He says he understands, and has mentioned before independently in conversations that have cropped up over the years, that a woman might appear to want to do porn or might even think she wants to, but in most cases there will be a psychological issue at play. That’s just regular porn as well, never mind the extreme stuff. It’s like his compartmentalises it or something. I don’t even know why I’d care to try and understand him.

[LexMitior]

He sounds like a pervert - seriously, porn habits tell you a lot about a person. It’s not banter and it’s not easily found.

Yes it is reflective of his attitude to women. Even the way he talks to you sounds misogynistic, comparing your body to porn to excuse himself.

He says all men are like this - no. This he tells himself because it means he can blame you for not accepting his peccadilloes.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Thank you for the ongoing support and recalibrating my perspective on this. He does gaslight me, has done for years, I think I just needed to hear someone else say it.

[GilbertMarkham]

He said I’m naive

Yeah you're definitely naive; he's not a sleazy bastard with a thing for extreme, fairly disgusting fetish porn.

.

[GilbertMarkham]

I don’t even know why I’d care to try and understand him.

This type and level of hypocrisy is head-fking, we can't help but wonder about it.

[LexMitior]

My advice is not to understand; it just involves you putting your capacity for critical thought into a blender. How you think or perceive the world is basic freedom.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

@LexMitior

He sounds like a pervert - seriously, porn habits tell you a lot about a person. It’s not banter and it’s not easily found.

Yes it is reflective of his attitude to women. Even the way he talks to you sounds misogynistic, comparing your body to porn to excuse himself.

He says all men are like this - no. This he tells himself because it means he can blame you for not accepting his peccadilloes.

He does sound like a pervert, which means that his friends are also perverts and so are former colleagues of his. I do not believe for one second all men are like this but I’m baffled by how these men have randomly become friends over the years through different circumstances, haven’t really ‘picked’ each other as friends at all, are so different in ages and backgrounds and stories, and they all think this is normal and ok. I wouldn’t expect it of some of his friends. One of his friends actually thinks he’s a feminist (and he’s well read enough to actually know what means)! My ‘D’P is validated in his ‘banter’ by them and vice versa.

It’s just making me feel so sad about toxic masculinity/misogyny, distrustful, worried for my son...

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

I just googled "latex angel" . . . bleurgh

Ugh.. same..naive little me thought it might be a pretty lady, even if "porny" in looks wearing various types of fetish wear. I think in my head i was imagining Dita Von Teese who i absolutely love. Not... this . Clicked on first link, thumbnails were enough the videos would traumatise me! The first one looked like the end scene of Reqeuim for a Dream !

Ive been out with men who were in 'lads whatsapp groups' and always hated it but tolerated it. They always wanted to outdo each other, i asked my ex (who was early 40's at the time) to leave the group/ ask ppl to not send stuff like that at him, and he threw an almighty tantrum, he obviously cared more about 'the boys' from work. I said you dont even have to mention me, say your young relatives are often on the phone. But nope. It was a major factor in splitting up.

The more of us stand up to it, the less acceptable it will be. If your happy with it fine, but if not dont just tolerate it.

Im not sure what the solution is here but that is some pretty vile stuff to be looking at, joking or not.

[dooratheexplorer]

It's not at all acceptable. I'm not sure why some blokes think this is okay and 'just a bit of fun'. My XP said he was glad he didn't have daughters as he knew what men were like.

There are so many red flags here that I think you know what you need to do. Time is precious. Don't waste it on him.

[GilbertMarkham]

He also said I don’t understand that some women have bigger vaginas and bums than I do and that when I say it would be extremely painful and have long term effects, it just wouldn’t be that bad for some women. I was stunned by that. I asked if he would find it extremely painful as a big guy with a big bum (sorry) and he admitted he would.

This is the sort if statement that leaves you with permanent wtf lines on your face, and which you know you shouldn't even respond to be sued you're wasting your time reading with an idiot (or someone delusional) but let's just break this down anyway ..


The largest thing that will ever pass through a vaginal opening is a baby's head .. a baby's head is not only malleable to some extent to allow for squeezing, but not the save circumference as two fists or even wrists, esp male wrists. The baby's passing through is also in the context of birth, in which the ligaments, muscles etc of the pelvis are affected by birth hormones.
Even then, will nature doing its utmost in the birthing process, there are commonly tears of varying degrees of severity and we make incisions to try to minimise tearing.

Even women who've had multiple vaginal births will still not comfortably fit two fists through her vaginal opening (bearing in mind it's also movement in the opposite direction from birth). It is unnatural, and it involves discomfort, at the very least.

The biggest object to pass through an anus is a stool. It is not in the size range of fists and wrists, and moves in the opposite direction. Stretching and damaging the anus can lead to incontinence issues.

The range of sizes of vaginas and anuses is not that big.

As you pointed out, even s man with a larger anus would still experience significant difficulty and potential discomfort and pain inserting objects like fists etc.

Summary; he's talking shite.
(Noun intended).

To me fisting is a particularly nasty fetish, and that's not even getting onto double fists (!)

[GilbertMarkham]

*reasoning with an idiot

[GilbertMarkham]

but I’m baffled by how these men have randomly become friends over the years through different circumstances, haven’t really ‘picked’ each other as friends at all, are so different in ages and backgrounds and stories, and they all think this is normal and ok.

I'd imagine they've shared this stuff with many many more men and those men haven't responded (or dropped out of it) a d these guys are who is left, the ones who are into it/get something out of it.

[Janaih]

I used to work in the adult dating industry. Your partners choice of viewing is niche, even among the swinging community .

[GilbertMarkham]

What they have in common is base-ness, gross-ness, vulgarity, enjoying sharing explicit material (probably mostly sexual but these sorts tend to go in images a d videos related to bodily functions, accidents, violence and murders/executions too) probably misogyny etc.

[Oldbagface]

Just asked my husband. He said that hurting women in this way is repulsive. They obvs enjoy it. It's like some sort of mutual interest group and it's sick

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

@GilbertMarkham

Yes. Those "types" love anything sick. I briefly dated a guy but it got to the point where id delete any media he sent me without opening it as i knew it would offend me. Or he would go look at this, and it was a HGV mowing a load of pedestrians down on a motorway, then he couldn't understand why i was angry with him. Tbf even he never watched porn this extreme and he was pretty out there (had foot fetish)