Would this annoy you (porn-related)?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Name changed for this one.

DP and I have been together 15 years, one child, lots of relationship ups and downs but something that has kept us both here.

He is in his early 30s and has a few mates (some older, some the same age) that are largely single and joke around about porn - basically sending videos to each other on a WhatsApp group that are ‘funny’ because they are in some way semi-grotesque (think woman pinging Ping Pong balls out her of vagina kind of thing). To my knowledge because of his version of events, he doesn’t share any of these videos/pictures and has been quite objective and critical of it - although I’ve always been quite sure he does watch a bit of porn, he’s been quite disparaging about his mates’ fixation with this kind of thing and some of the stuff he is sent. He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’ and I believed him.

Yesterday morning I saw his phone left on the coffee table overnight. I don’t think I’ve checked his phone for about 8 years (there is some history of inappropriate behaviour) but for whatever reason, I had a nudge to check it. I looked at his search history and saw loads of searches for ‘latex angel’ and a video on a website that had been looked at, as well as some gay porn searches but no videos. This occurred yesterday morning while I was working from home and presumably when he nipped to a friend’s who happens to live down the road or possibly in the half hour before he left the house (the only times he wasn’t with me). I confronted him immediately and he made out his friend had used his phone without his consent then his story gradually changed to ‘it’s banter and laughs amongst the lads’, says most men do it and it’s none of my business. He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel up for it and was giving him the cold shoulder.

He’s now trying to turn this around on me and saying I’m being over sensitive. I have said that I don’t like the deceit rather than being worried about him looking at porn - the way he pretended to not partake in that behaviour and actually, he does. Probably frequently because I doubt yesterday was an irregularity. I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends, which I have seen plenty of men do to women over the years. He is usually very open with me about his personality in quite an unusual way, warts and all, but this is making me question how much I maybe don’t know after all?

I’m also appalled that his sense of ‘humour’ is just so basic and juvenile and borderline misogynistic, like all his idiotic friends. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends I guess! Although I still don’t really feel sure of the ‘it’s funny’ narrative because the video I watched from his search history wasn’t ‘funny’ like some people might think a vagina ping pong video is, although I only watched a few seconds.

This feels like the final straw in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall so would appreciate your perspectives on this.

I don't believe it's mainly about the 'comedy' group thing either, or there wouldn't be so many searches etc for it.

I wonder if the group is for sharing stuff they think is hot? Like in my day boys would pass dirty magazines around.

@MaybeTheFinalStraw This guy could damage your view of humanity/men. Try not to let him. I mean, obviously, have a realistic view of the cunts. But there must be some decent ones around (you see, I'm trying- still in therapy. )

He will give you some bad memories/trauma- he probably already has.

OP, I do know how you feel , my H is quite a feminist type who has developed a persistent porn habit in last 5 years or so— he doesn’t know that I know but I do— in his case it’s more mundane than this- lesbian type stuff mainly or single females masturbating— however for me the thing that gets me most is the secrecy, and pretending it’s a gross industry if the subject comes up. I have kept my counsel for various reasons but it certainly has devalued how I feel and I find it a 100% turn off. There are an awful lot of men out there (and not young) who seem to be competing to find the grossest stuff and then sharing it— to me it’s exceptionally immature and reeks of a lack of respect for women in general. Bad enough watching it— sharing it and treating it as a joke- absolutely no bloody way!! And as for particularly horrible fetishes— Er no thanks!!!

What are things like in the bedroom?

My ex was a porn addict. If I didn't feel attractive because of it and said something, he'd then try it on with me. I mean, A for effort but too little, too late.

@GilbertMarkham

What they have in common is base-ness, gross-ness, vulgarity, enjoying sharing explicit material (probably mostly sexual but these sorts tend to go in images a d videos related to bodily functions, accidents, violence and murders/executions too) probably misogyny etc.

Yeah they share things like that too. I asked if tortured videos were ok because that’s similar to ‘sex’ like this in my mind and his face suggested that was a step too far. Strange rationale.

@RLEOM

What are things like in the bedroom?

My ex was a porn addict. If I didn't feel attractive because of it and said something, he'd then try it on with me. I mean, A for effort but too little, too late.

He’s hugely attracted to me, never stops grabbing me and touching me and telling me how good I look, how lucky he is. I think he’s attractive objectively but the resentment has built over the years and it’s not been good for a long time - more often than not it’s a chore for me. I actually secretly bought a vibrator (one of those bullet types) and have been LOVING it, would’ve enhanced our sex life, but I couldn’t have told him that because he’s no so threatened by me enjoying something other than his penis. He is so insecure but acts so cocky, save for moments of vulnerability.

@GilbertMarkham

but I’m baffled by how these men have randomly become friends over the years through different circumstances, haven’t really ‘picked’ each other as friends at all, are so different in ages and backgrounds and stories, and they all think this is normal and ok.

I'd imagine they've shared this stuff with many many more men and those men haven't responded (or dropped out of it) a d these guys are who is left, the ones who are into it/get something out of it.

Different circumstances because they have something in common. Acceptance of misogyny.

Also I love how these guys say 'but it's just for bants / funny / shock value' like that's a better motivation.

Watching women be injured, degraded and damaged for entertainment is even worse than watching it for pleasure in a way!

but I couldn’t have told him that because he’s no so threatened by me enjoying something other than his penis.

That in itself is an issue.
A good partner would want you to have maximum pleasure/orgasms etc., not make it all about his dick.

because that’s similar to ‘sex’ like this in my mind and his face suggested that was a step too far. Strange rationale.

Oh it's ok, these women have gigantic stretchy vaginas & anuses remember ... they don't feel anything.

Aside from the very obvious fact that he has an interest (whether because he finds it sexually arousing or hilariously funny) in women being hurt by men and risking permanent damage to their bodies in the process, there are a lot of other examples of his deeply misogynistic mindset within your posts. A few that stood out to me (but not an exhaustive list, sadly)...

that it’s the men who aren’t upfront about this stuff who you need to watch out for because they’re the ones who hide real seediness

Erm...he wasn't up front about it though, was he? Is this a very crude attempt at rewriting the events of the last few days and gaslighting you?

He also said I don’t understand that some women have bigger vaginas and bums than I do and that when I say it would be extremely painful and have long term effects, it just wouldn’t be that bad for some women

Is he seriously mansplaining the female anatomy to you?

he’s no so threatened by me enjoying something other than his penis

More misogyny.

OP, I hope that writing down your OP and all your replies has brought into sharp focus the kind of man he is. I think we can all relate to a relationship (romantic or otherwise) where toxic, abusive or bigoted behaviour creeps in over such a long period of time that we don't notice it until we stop and really take stock. In your case, you've been saddled with this person since you were a teenager. I imagine you have developed and matured significantly in the intervening years and it seems that he hasn't. Maybe behaviour that you once put down to him being "one of the lads" is now just quite obviously very sexist and unacceptable when viewed through adult eyes.

I don't think it's possible for a man who has such deeply held misogynistic values to respect a female partner. I think those two things (being a misogynist and being a respectful partner to a woman) are mutually exclusive.

I suggest you google this too. The women in porn are given specific drugs to relax their sphincters and suffer severe permanent damage with anal incontinence. They literally have no ability to not defecate. It's is abuse, out and out abuse.

Fisting is also a very gay thing. I don't think that's a coincidence. He's a pervert - not a guy who watches porn. A guy who needs to watch porn - extreme porn.

It sounds to me like he has some sort of overuse issue with porn. Porn addiction perhaps? The fact he uses ‘you’re too sensitive’ is a pure deflection tactics.
Overall, you seem to have outgrown him, you are a mom and he still behaves like a silly late teen with all the porn jokes. And random lies about mate using his phone etc. All a bit juvenile.

@Vodkacranberryplease

That is utterly horrifying. But people need to know the truth. We need to stop dehumanising these people. Alot of the time money problems/ drug use / coercion forces them into this. I highly doubt many of the people at this extreme end are fully consenting to this treatment.

Stop dehumanising the people forced to 'perform' these acts this is

Urgh LTB.

‘Laddy’ is just a word to make out that misogynistic nasty demeaning behaviour by men about women is ‘just a bit of fun’.

It really isn’t just a bit of fun, and his mates sounds juvenile. And it’s hurtful to other women. It has a consequence.

Who knows what those women have been through in their lives, majority have been through crap and then to have their naked videos passed around by men laughing at them with no compassion, no care at all about how they’ve ended up having to do that shit.

Talk to him OP. Talk to him about how those women have been through crap. See what he says. It’s not just a bit of fun. Talk to him about how utterly unsexy it is that he has a real, live, flesh and blood woman in you OP who love him, and fancy him - talk to him about what looking at videos of women who he is not a relationship with, and likely been through hell, is doing to your sex life together and your respect for him as someone who gives a crap about human beings.

I think there's a lot of issues all mixed up here.

I do think he has a point about privacy. Imagine if there was a man on here telling a woman that she had to be completely open about her fantasies and what she masturbates to. There would be outrage. Men deserve their privacy too.

I think to a certain extent, it's very controlling to say to someone "you shouldn't watch porn". What they do in their own private fantasy world is a personal matter. Also a lot of the language I hear when porn is discussed is very shaming, so it's little wonder that so many men feel compelled to keep it secret.

As it happens, I do think what he's watching crosses a line. In my opinion at least. I'm fairly relaxed about the idea of porn, but even for me, the idea of fisting makes me wince - and as for that comment about fisting until she prolapses.....I have no words. Genuinely, that's awful. That's not regular porn. And absolutely no, it's not a well known site/thing.

For me the issue is that he's watching women getting seriously hurt. Yikes. That's really unpleasant.

I also think it sounds like you have other issues, this is just the final straw.

It's a bit academic the type of porn he watches and the rights and wrongs. It's what he has done to his marriage by the use of it and the continued use. I was where you are OP. I wasn't bothered about porn particularly in a previous relationship but once I was aware of the nature of it I could barely look at him. He described it as curiosity only but the sheer amount and the long time period meant it was a need as far as I could see. I got organised and left. We've all seen things that repulse us or we laugh over but to seek it out over and over is NOT curiosity, it's fulfilling a need.

OP this has changed fundamentally how you see him. His continued mysogynistic behaviour has reinforced it. You want to change him but you can't. He will still be looking at this when he is 80 years old. Get out of the relationship and hit the reset button on your future. You should not have this in your life. It is messing you up and he evidently doesn't care but leave not because of the porn as it will go down in history as this. Leave because you feel you are not compatible. Men like this love to make women feel unsophisticated if it remains about the extreme and replusive porn.

He’s hugely attracted to me, never stops grabbing me and touching me and telling me how good I look, how lucky he is.

He's "softening it" with his words but he actually sounds quite grabby/sleazy/sex pest-y on top of everything else.

He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot)

Another comment I forgot to.mention from one of your earliest posts in the thread.

I suspect you've thought it's great that he's apparently so attracted to you and interested in you sexually (and he knows what to say to make it sound nice) but actually his behaviour sounds pretty sex pest-y.

(And fits with his general attitudes).

I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends

I would be more suspicious of someone without the intellect to do this. Presenting yourself in a different way to different groups of people is totally normal and usually a desired skill in life. What person acts identically with their friends, their DP, their kids, etc? A weird one.

@BubblyBarbara The social ability to 'read the room' is good. But I don't think this is the same.

I think to a certain extent, it's very controlling to say to someone "you shouldn't watch porn". What they do in their own private fantasy world is a personal matter.

Porn is not a fantasy, it's REAL people f*cking.

Also a lot of the language I hear when porn is discussed is very shaming

As it should be, everyone who enjoys looking at images of women being degraded should be shamed for it.

To be honest I don't think you're going to get to the bottom of what all the porn stuff "means", its significance to your relationship etc. etc. There's are too many fundamental differences between male and female attitudes to it generally, and then on top of that too much that is rooted in the particular dynamic of his friendship group of which you are not a part.

I also don't think a relationship in which you feel compelled to snoop on your partner's phone and search history is a positive or healthy one for either party.

I think your options are to either (a) conclude that you don't like him any more, or that he's not an acceptable person to be having a relationship with, and leave, or (b) accept that there will be parts of him you don't understand that express themselves outside the relationship, with other people or on his own, and leave them be.

I also had to google "latex angel" and also found it blurghh. But it's a big world, and it is true that there's a lot of completely consenting, amateur BDSM porn. You haven't mentioned anything that would make me unable to like or respect someone again (eg rape, kiddie porn etc.) but that's a very personal things and your line will be different from mine or anyone else's. Whether you'll ever be able to put what you've seen aside (and whether you even want to), only you can answer.

As it happens, I do think what he's watching crosses a line. In my opinion at least. I'm fairly relaxed about the idea of porn, but even for me, the idea of fisting makes me wince - and as for that comment about fisting until she prolapses.....I have no words. Genuinely, that's awful. That's not regular porn. And absolutely no, it's not a well known site/thing.

Oh, I missed that bit, sorry. I take back my previous comment .

YUCK