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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mummy’s Boy

88 replies

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 00:28

Apologies as this will be a horrendous drip feed, but do you think it’s odd for a 40 year old man to take his Mum’s birthday off work, to go out for the day with his parents?

OP posts:

Peridodo · 12/08/2020 00:33

Not necessarily, it could easily be considered thoughtful but it does depend on how he behaves generally regarding his Mum/Parents. Does he live with them, etc? More info needed!

Geppili · 12/08/2020 00:38

Yes I think it is odd!

Maggie90 · 12/08/2020 01:56

I took my mums off this year so I could take her out for the day.

I’m not especially tactile or dependent on mother but she has done a lot for me and deserved a nice day.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/08/2020 02:44

No I don’t think it’s odd. Women take out their mums for their birthdays all the time why is it odd if a man does?

HopelessSemantics · 12/08/2020 02:48

It depends, surely. Not nearly enough information to go on.

My husband does a lot for his mum. He also does a lot for me. A man who treats his mum well will often (not always) be respectful and kind to partners too. Judgijg by threads on here, that's something of a rarity.

famousforwrongreason · 12/08/2020 03:12

I don't think it's odd at all. And. I'm speaking as someone who has no relationship with their mum at all.

roxfox · 12/08/2020 04:07

Of course not. Gosh. Would you think he was childish if he took the day off for a friends birthday?? Just because we grow up doesn't mean we don't get to spend happy days with people other than our partners.

What's wrong with you???

isabellerossignol · 12/08/2020 04:33

Going out for the day with his parents isn't odd at all.

But you've called your post mummy's boy. Does he have a pattern of behaviour where he always puts her first, to the detriment of other relationships? Or does he just have a good relationship with his mother and you're annoyed that she gets some of his attention as well?

Original poster

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 08:27

As I said, apologies for drip feed, wanted some general opinions as his previous behaviour colours my view.
So here goes, we split last year due to his parents interference in our relationship and him plotting behind my back with them. Since then, we’ve been trying again, yet he lets them control his life. If they want to see him, he will prioritise that and I get let down. For context, he barely made an effort for my birthday. He popped round during the working day (I’m working from home), made it clear he was in a rush, stayed for an hour and then went back to his home with our children. For her birthday, he took the day off work and went to a theme park with her (and his dad) and our kids and didn’t actually even tell me. His argument is that he didn’t know, his parents told him on the morning that they’d booked tickets and given him the day off (it will be taken out of his holiday and he has to work at the weekend to make the lost work up as they’re self employed) He’s insistent that this is entirely normal and cannot see why I feel that he’s still under his family’s thumb

OP posts:

Coffeecak3 · 12/08/2020 08:33

The only way you'll know is to arrange a full day out in similar circumstances and see how he reacts when you tell him to book a day off work at short notice.

HopelessSemantics · 12/08/2020 08:34

Well the drip feed was pretty huge...

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:42

Was it a big birthday? Nothing wrong with going out with his parents.

So you are still living apart, but trying to get back together again? How serious are those efforts? Are there definite plans for you to be a couple again, or was he essentially visiting his ex on your birthday?

If his parents didn't tell him about the day, then he couldn't tell you before. Do you mean that he didn't even tell you on the day, or afterwards? If this is such a big issue between you, that doesn't seem surprising. And of course he went along, as they had already got tickets. As Coffecak3 says, for proper comparison you'd have to try doing what his parents did, and see if he was as willing to follow your plans.

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:43

Do you call him a mummy's boy to his face?

Original poster

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 08:47

No, wasn’t a big birthday. He wants us to be together in a proper relationship again, but it’s very difficult for several reasons. He was texting me on the day and never mentioned they were out, or the next day either. In 8 years he’s never taken my birthday off work, or his children’s birthdays. Even on the days I gave birth to them he was one of the last fathers to arrive at the hospital for visiting as his parents had given him work to do in the morning and also here and there throughout his paternity leave.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:50

Why are you trying to get back together with him? Sounds like you can't stand him.

backseatcookers · 12/08/2020 08:51

My answer would be completely different based on the huge dripfeed so not sure it was very useful posting your original question tbh.

You obviously don't like him very much. At all. So why are you trying?

Separate and healthily instead of continuing this toxicity.

Original poster

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 08:52

@ravenmum I’m not sure that I’ve given any indication of how I feel about him in my post other than saying he’s a mummy’s boy??

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:52

Just from reading the tone of your description, you sound really angry - I get the impression that if he had texted you about the trip, you would have exploded? In which case, I wouldn't have told you either in his position.

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:54

The general tone as in "mummy's boy", "plotting", "barely made an effort", "his argument" (to describe his explanation), "insistent".

Original poster

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 08:55

@ravenmum do you mean that you think I’m overreacting by being annoyed about the situation with his mum?

OP posts:

BingoGo · 12/08/2020 08:55

Nothing wrong with taking the day off for your mum's birthday, in fact it's really nice.

I get the vibe that you weren't told, in spite of everyone else being invited, because you probably have unpleasant behaviour.

I think it's time to self reflect a bit, OP.

Original poster

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 08:57

@ravenmum he did plot behind my back. He and his parents went to see a solicitor together (apparently at their insistence) and drew up a legal agreement without a single word to me, that they tried to force me to sign

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/08/2020 08:58

I mean that you seem surprised he didn't tell you about the trip, and I don't understand why.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 12/08/2020 09:06

I'm a bit confused, you say you were working from home and he popped in then took the kids back to his home? You have kids together but live separately? And his parents organise family days out with them that exclude you?

This alone sounds dodgy. But he won't change.

EllieQ · 12/08/2020 09:11

[quote Thisisalocalshop]@ravenmum he did plot behind my back. He and his parents went to see a solicitor together (apparently at their insistence) and drew up a legal agreement without a single word to me, that they tried to force me to sign[/quote]
What was the legal agreement about? The business, housing, pensions, savings, or something else?

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