Mummy’s Boy

[Thisisalocalshop]

Apologies as this will be a horrendous drip feed, but do you think it’s odd for a 40 year old man to take his Mum’s birthday off work, to go out for the day with his parents?

[kazzer2867]

From reading you post I can't see any positives in being with this 'man'. You title is insulting to men who have positive relationships with their mother's. This 'man' is a spineless waster. He colludes with his parents to con you out of money that is rightfully yours. When this didn't work, the parents then sent two friends round to watch you sign over your rights to what they perceive as his house (I suspect he was involved in this decision).

What sort of person treats their partner like this. Why do you want to be with him?

[Opaljewel]

I intend to read through the full thread but I have to just say I would in no way find it odd. I would definitely take day off for my mum's birthday if she wanted to go out for the day and I'm 34! I think it's a nice gesture. Now I will read through the rest

[GinWithASplashOfTonic]

Not every year. But if it was a big/ milestone birthday then maybe

[Opaljewel]

After reading the rest it's a very weird set up and will never be a winning situation. I would leave.

[backseatcookers]

@backseatcookers

As I see it you have two options:

1. Stay together, meaning that 100% of the time this toxicity and underlying resentment / tension is present and affecting the children at all times, modelling unhealthy relationship dynamics to them which will cause long term damage

1. Split up and focus on coparenting to the best of your abilities, knowing that when your children are with you you can model healthy behaviour and teach them the importance of boundaries, respect etc but conceding that unfortunately it's up to their dad to do the same on his time and he may not do so successfully as he does sound unwilling to rock the boat

The benefit of 2 is that you can also start building a life that is less directly influenced with them, which will allow you to work on moving forwards and letting go of some of your anger.

I think it would be really beneficial for you to go to some counselling, alone, to help you talk through those two options and see how you feel.

This isn't working for anyone and you have to accept now that your DH isn't going to change, this is how he is and it doesn't work for you (it wouldn't for most people!) so you need to give serious thought as to the effect this is having on your mental health long term and that of your kids.

Growing up in a tense and toxic family dynamic, particularly when it extends across the wider family rather than just your parents, is harmful for children and runs the risk of teaching them that it's normal and acceptable to be unhappy.

Did these two options offer any clarity OP? You need to make a change in some way, this isn't working for anyone.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

You will always come second best to his family, as will your dc. This won't ever chance unless your dh Stan ds up to them and goes NC, but I can't ever see that happening.

To answer your initial op, no it's not weird he takes the time off to spend the day with his mum on her birthday, but everything else about him, his dp, and the way he treats you, is just wrong, wrong and wrong.

[Flipflopsaga]

I really feel for you and your children op. What an utterly bizarre and hurtful situation. My guess is that his parents consider you a class below their son. I have a friend that similar things happened to (sneaky plans, being ganged up upon). She was ridiculed on every family occasion for never going to university. She was middle middle class. The husband was upper middle class. She was never accepted and had a beautiful child which the family adored but she was treated (in an underhand manner of course) really disrespectfully. I really hope that everything can improve. It didn’t for my friend and they had to divorce. She says that she would never have been accepted and was desperately unhappy.

[jimmyjammy001]

Sorry couldn't see if you are married to him or not? If you are then the piece of paper his parents are trying to make you sign is worthless especially as you have kids together, so it would be 50/50 split anyways if things took a turn for the worst, you spent 10k during maternity, how much did your partner contribute? What was your financial plan that you put together before having the kids? Was it 50/50 or you pay everything? Who pays mortgage and all bills? If you did then I would definitely be a bit annoyed with his parents wishes,

[roarfeckingroarr]

I don't think that's weird. I've done the same for my dad's.

[Mittens030869]

I don't understand why you started the thread the way you did tbh, with that deliberate drip-feed. Because the initial post with the question makes you appear unreasonable whereas it's clear from subsequent posts that you're really not, and your OH seems like a really spineless wimp.

But please don't use the phrase 'Mummy's Boy'. There are lot of really great guys (my DH included) who have really loving relationships with their mums.

[AlwaysLatte]

A mummy's boy because he had a family celebration for her birthday? How sad and odd to think that.

[rvby]

I don't think he is spineless or a mummy's boy op.

He just doesn't see you as his primary family. His family is one of those where there is a matriarch, and you aren't her, so you are expected to fall in line.

This simply won't change. It's the way his family is and on a very deep level he won't even have a basic understanding of your feelings on the subject. Because in this type of family, the feelings of anyone but the matriarch aren't even noticed.

He probably, on some level, thinks you're quite spineless for not having the strength to put your feelings aside and simply do what, in his mind, is the obvious thing to do for the good of the broader group.

He will lie and dissimulate endlessly on this. Because in his family, lying and avoiding is part of how you get along and do as you're told...

[BumbleBeee69]

Unless his Mother is Queen Elizabeth the second.. then yes it's fucking weird