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Relationships

Mummy’s Boy

88 replies

Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 00:28

Apologies as this will be a horrendous drip feed, but do you think it’s odd for a 40 year old man to take his Mum’s birthday off work, to go out for the day with his parents?

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BumbleBeee69 · 12/08/2020 23:23

Unless his Mother is Queen Elizabeth the second.. then yes it's fucking weird Hmm

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rvby · 12/08/2020 16:12

I don't think he is spineless or a mummy's boy op.

He just doesn't see you as his primary family. His family is one of those where there is a matriarch, and you aren't her, so you are expected to fall in line.

This simply won't change. It's the way his family is and on a very deep level he won't even have a basic understanding of your feelings on the subject. Because in this type of family, the feelings of anyone but the matriarch aren't even noticed.

He probably, on some level, thinks you're quite spineless for not having the strength to put your feelings aside and simply do what, in his mind, is the obvious thing to do for the good of the broader group.

He will lie and dissimulate endlessly on this. Because in his family, lying and avoiding is part of how you get along and do as you're told...

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AlwaysLatte · 12/08/2020 15:46

A mummy's boy because he had a family celebration for her birthday? How sad and odd to think that.

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Mittens030869 · 12/08/2020 15:45

I don't understand why you started the thread the way you did tbh, with that deliberate drip-feed. Because the initial post with the question makes you appear unreasonable whereas it's clear from subsequent posts that you're really not, and your OH seems like a really spineless wimp.

But please don't use the phrase 'Mummy's Boy'. There are lot of really great guys (my DH included) who have really loving relationships with their mums.

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roarfeckingroarr · 12/08/2020 14:56

I don't think that's weird. I've done the same for my dad's.

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jimmyjammy001 · 12/08/2020 14:34

Sorry couldn't see if you are married to him or not? If you are then the piece of paper his parents are trying to make you sign is worthless especially as you have kids together, so it would be 50/50 split anyways if things took a turn for the worst, you spent 10k during maternity, how much did your partner contribute? What was your financial plan that you put together before having the kids? Was it 50/50 or you pay everything? Who pays mortgage and all bills? If you did then I would definitely be a bit annoyed with his parents wishes,

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Flipflopsaga · 12/08/2020 14:31

I really feel for you and your children op. What an utterly bizarre and hurtful situation. My guess is that his parents consider you a class below their son. I have a friend that similar things happened to (sneaky plans, being ganged up upon). She was ridiculed on every family occasion for never going to university. She was middle middle class. The husband was upper middle class. She was never accepted and had a beautiful child which the family adored but she was treated (in an underhand manner of course) really disrespectfully. I really hope that everything can improve. It didn’t for my friend and they had to divorce. She says that she would never have been accepted and was desperately unhappy.

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BurtsBeesKnees · 12/08/2020 14:05

You will always come second best to his family, as will your dc. This won't ever chance unless your dh Stan ds up to them and goes NC, but I can't ever see that happening.

To answer your initial op, no it's not weird he takes the time off to spend the day with his mum on her birthday, but everything else about him, his dp, and the way he treats you, is just wrong, wrong and wrong.

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backseatcookers · 12/08/2020 14:02

@backseatcookers

As I see it you have two options:

  1. Stay together, meaning that 100% of the time this toxicity and underlying resentment / tension is present and affecting the children at all times, modelling unhealthy relationship dynamics to them which will cause long term damage


  1. Split up and focus on coparenting to the best of your abilities, knowing that when your children are with you you can model healthy behaviour and teach them the importance of boundaries, respect etc but conceding that unfortunately it's up to their dad to do the same on his time and he may not do so successfully as he does sound unwilling to rock the boat


The benefit of 2 is that you can also start building a life that is less directly influenced with them, which will allow you to work on moving forwards and letting go of some of your anger.

I think it would be really beneficial for you to go to some counselling, alone, to help you talk through those two options and see how you feel.

This isn't working for anyone and you have to accept now that your DH isn't going to change, this is how he is and it doesn't work for you (it wouldn't for most people!) so you need to give serious thought as to the effect this is having on your mental health long term and that of your kids.

Growing up in a tense and toxic family dynamic, particularly when it extends across the wider family rather than just your parents, is harmful for children and runs the risk of teaching them that it's normal and acceptable to be unhappy.

Did these two options offer any clarity OP? You need to make a change in some way, this isn't working for anyone.
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Opaljewel · 12/08/2020 13:51

After reading the rest it's a very weird set up and will never be a winning situation. I would leave.

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GinWithASplashOfTonic · 12/08/2020 13:44

Not every year. But if it was a big/ milestone birthday then maybe

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Opaljewel · 12/08/2020 13:42

I intend to read through the full thread but I have to just say I would in no way find it odd. I would definitely take day off for my mum's birthday if she wanted to go out for the day and I'm 34! I think it's a nice gesture. Now I will read through the rest

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kazzer2867 · 12/08/2020 13:33

From reading you post I can't see any positives in being with this 'man'. You title is insulting to men who have positive relationships with their mother's. This 'man' is a spineless waster. He colludes with his parents to con you out of money that is rightfully yours. When this didn't work, the parents then sent two friends round to watch you sign over your rights to what they perceive as his house (I suspect he was involved in this decision).

What sort of person treats their partner like this. Why do you want to be with him?

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Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 13:19

@jimmyjammy001i think he has about £175k equity in the home, I think about £90k came from them. I had almost £20k, plus the £10k of my savings that I spent being on maternity leave. I never wanted any of their money. I earn more than him and can financially look after myself. It’s the fact that none of them, partner included, actually cared about what the agreement meant to me. None of them valued the almost 3 years I wasn’t earning to look after our children. None of them valued that I’d spent savings so I could be on maternity. The agreement wasn’t fair to me in any way, it didn’t offer me anything, however his mother graciously told me that I could take my own furniture with me if I left. I told him that I’d rather we bought together and he gave his parents back their money of it meant they would back off, but he didn’t want to. I would’ve been happy to ring fence off deposits.

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REignbow · 12/08/2020 12:51

Why are you not fighting for more than 50:50?

Your sons are learning to put her needs above their own and of anyone else. Completely dysfunctional. Also, why would you even consider being in a relationship with a man, that continually has tried to get you to sign things, to screw you over with money.

Your SIL, was very wise to distance herself. You need to.

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jimmyjammy001 · 12/08/2020 12:50

For them to go to these extremes there must be a huge amount of money involved? Does he own the house outright? How much is it worth? How much was the equity you brought along from your house? If we could get a better understanding of the sums involved we could probably make a better opinion for you op.

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Peridodo · 12/08/2020 12:50

Do you think he would go to counselling with you? Somebody neutral might be able to help him see that he is being controlled by his parents at the expense of his relationship with you.
If not, I don't see how you can rebuild any kind of relationship with him.

The legal agreement you were being coerced into signing is just awful. I'm so glad you stopped this in its tracks.

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EKGEMS · 12/08/2020 12:38

Why would you give him the time of day let alone resume a relationship with him and his freak show family??????

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backseatcookers · 12/08/2020 12:36

Oh and I know you said he's kind, but he isn't kind at all when it really matters. And that's all that matters.

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ClementineWoolysocks · 12/08/2020 12:34

@Thisisalocalshop

I’m guessing it was legal as it was his house, so it was a cohabitation agreement. They sent two friends of theirs round one night (again unexpected) to watch me sign it in their presence, whilst my partner pretended he didn’t see what was going on. The next day I had enough and just hid the agreement and refused to return it to them. I gave it to a friend for safekeeping

Wow, I'm gobsmacked. He sounds a right spineless little shit to be perfectly frank. Someone who is genuinely a partner and has your back would never allow that to happen. He let you be intimidated and coerced by his families friends, is he really someone you want in your life?
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backseatcookers · 12/08/2020 12:24

As I see it you have two options:

  1. Stay together, meaning that 100% of the time this toxicity and underlying resentment / tension is present and affecting the children at all times, modelling unhealthy relationship dynamics to them which will cause long term damage


  1. Split up and focus on coparenting to the best of your abilities, knowing that when your children are with you you can model healthy behaviour and teach them the importance of boundaries, respect etc but conceding that unfortunately it's up to their dad to do the same on his time and he may not do so successfully as he does sound unwilling to rock the boat


The benefit of 2 is that you can also start building a life that is less directly influenced with them, which will allow you to work on moving forwards and letting go of some of your anger.

I think it would be really beneficial for you to go to some counselling, alone, to help you talk through those two options and see how you feel.

This isn't working for anyone and you have to accept now that your DH isn't going to change, this is how he is and it doesn't work for you (it wouldn't for most people!) so you need to give serious thought as to the effect this is having on your mental health long term and that of your kids.

Growing up in a tense and toxic family dynamic, particularly when it extends across the wider family rather than just your parents, is harmful for children and runs the risk of teaching them that it's normal and acceptable to be unhappy.
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Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 11:51

I’m guessing it was legal as it was his house, so it was a cohabitation agreement. They sent two friends of theirs round one night (again unexpected) to watch me sign it in their presence, whilst my partner pretended he didn’t see what was going on. The next day I had enough and just hid the agreement and refused to return it to them. I gave it to a friend for safekeeping

OP posts:
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Thisisalocalshop · 12/08/2020 11:48

He is actually a partner in the family trade business, so he does have as much say as they do, however it never works out like that. They never let him take time off really, however they have numerous holidays and days off when they fancy. He obviously never challenges it. We both have the children 50/50, but I know she sees a lot of them. I’m sure she still buys clothes for them and she cooks their meals and gives them to my partner in tubs for him to heat up when he has them.

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REignbow · 12/08/2020 11:17

How often do you have your DC? Because, if he has them the majority of time I’d be very wary of her influence over them.

He’ll never override his mothers wants and desires, as he is well and truly in the FOG. It’s easier for him, to argue with you or ignore what you want.

He may very well be kind etc but he doesn’t put you or the DC first. I personally would split, as you are worth more than what he can give you.

Also, well done on asserting yourself with that agreement. How was it even legal?

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ravenmum · 12/08/2020 11:04

Sounds to me as if his parents are well enough off that he is scared to jeopardise his inheritance?

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