Mummy’s Boy

[Thisisalocalshop]

Apologies as this will be a horrendous drip feed, but do you think it’s odd for a 40 year old man to take his Mum’s birthday off work, to go out for the day with his parents?

[Thisisalocalshop]

@Zaphodsotherhead funny you say that about my children, as his sister warned me that she will now be bringing them up in my absence. His sister has limited contact with their mum and she cannot bear the interfering and she won’t be controlled by her

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Are you 50/50 with the children? How old are they? His mum can only do so much if they aren't there all the time and you can counteract a lot when they are with you ('you might have to do that at grandma's but you don't have to do it at home'). Sounds like his sister has the right idea and will be a great ally when you finally split.

[sitckmansladylove]

Also after you out your equality into the house but Dh attending the solicitor without you would be a deal breaker

[Thisisalocalshop]

@sitckmansladylove it also stung a bit that I earned double what he earned and took a career break for nearly three years and it counted for nothing to him and his family

[ravenmum]

Your DH can't see it because he's too close and it's all he's ever known, so he won't wade in on your behalf. For all he knows, EVERYONE behaves like he does and you are the oddball for wanting him to be different.
This is interesting - my exh's family wasn't as weird as this OP's, but he was definitely more loyal to them, and acted like I was the oddball if I questioned any of their odder ways. But my ex was an intelligent man. What is it that stops them from questioning weird behaviour?

In my exh's case, one parent sadly died before reaching retirement, and the whole family dynamic fell apart - he and his sister both came out from under the spell and became more sceptical.

[SirGawain]

@HopelessSemantics

Well the drip feed was pretty huge...

More a garden sprinkler!

[SoulofanAggron]

I think calling him a 'mummy's boy' or saying he's being controlled may be minimalizing what he's doing.

He went to see a solicitor behind your back! He doesn't say anything against this because he wants it. For instance, you not having any rights to the house you've put money into etc, would work in his favour, so why would he try and stop it?

[ravenmum]

I have to say, I was also imagining him as someone who considers himself very nice, and acts very nicely in a superficial manner, but who also does not feel any loyalty whatsoever to you, Thisisalocalshop. He talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk.

[Thisisalocalshop]

@ravenmum I feel you’ve completely hit the nail on the head with that

[ravenmum]

If you stay with him for the kids, you probably have the choice between a) continuing to hope and experiencing endless frustration and rage, and b) treating it as the purely practical solution that it would be, and minimising the damage as far as possible.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

I think it is quite normal for parents to try and help their children with legalities if a marriage has broken down

Seriously? Have a word with yourself, after you've read the actual circumstances of course. There's absolutely nothing normal about the way they behaved.

OP I wouldn't be trying to get back together with this man, his family are always going to come first and will turn on you the first chance they get. His mum sounds unhinged tbh.

[BlingLoving]

He didn’t actually organise any of this or take the day off. He was offered a day out with the children on a plate. He didn’t do anything more or less for his mothers birthday than for yours.

This. And in fact, it sounds like his parents didn't even give him a choice either because he works for them.

However, while the birthday thing really isn't that big a deal, it's clear that he is quite happy to let his parents dictate his life. Working for them, and effectively giving them financial control, makes this even harder. If he can't or won't see this, then there's no way your relationship is going to improve so I don't see any value in attempting to get back together.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Has he ever said no to them? If so, what happened?

Taking the money for baby clothes out of his wages without previously asking him is illegal if they are any kind of legitimate employer. Or do they employ him as another way of keeping him under their eye and knowing exactly what his wage is?

I would have thought, if he was really serious about staying with you, one of the FIRST things he would have done would be to get himself a new job away from them. He hasn't, so he's quite happy with the status quo.

[ravenmum]

Sounds to me as if his parents are well enough off that he is scared to jeopardise his inheritance?

[REignbow]

How often do you have your DC? Because, if he has them the majority of time I’d be very wary of her influence over them.

He’ll never override his mothers wants and desires, as he is well and truly in the FOG. It’s easier for him, to argue with you or ignore what you want.

He may very well be kind etc but he doesn’t put you or the DC first. I personally would split, as you are worth more than what he can give you.

Also, well done on asserting yourself with that agreement. How was it even legal?

[Thisisalocalshop]

He is actually a partner in the family trade business, so he does have as much say as they do, however it never works out like that. They never let him take time off really, however they have numerous holidays and days off when they fancy. He obviously never challenges it. We both have the children 50/50, but I know she sees a lot of them. I’m sure she still buys clothes for them and she cooks their meals and gives them to my partner in tubs for him to heat up when he has them.

[Thisisalocalshop]

I’m guessing it was legal as it was his house, so it was a cohabitation agreement. They sent two friends of theirs round one night (again unexpected) to watch me sign it in their presence, whilst my partner pretended he didn’t see what was going on. The next day I had enough and just hid the agreement and refused to return it to them. I gave it to a friend for safekeeping

[backseatcookers]

As I see it you have two options:

1. Stay together, meaning that 100% of the time this toxicity and underlying resentment / tension is present and affecting the children at all times, modelling unhealthy relationship dynamics to them which will cause long term damage

1. Split up and focus on coparenting to the best of your abilities, knowing that when your children are with you you can model healthy behaviour and teach them the importance of boundaries, respect etc but conceding that unfortunately it's up to their dad to do the same on his time and he may not do so successfully as he does sound unwilling to rock the boat

The benefit of 2 is that you can also start building a life that is less directly influenced with them, which will allow you to work on moving forwards and letting go of some of your anger.

I think it would be really beneficial for you to go to some counselling, alone, to help you talk through those two options and see how you feel.

This isn't working for anyone and you have to accept now that your DH isn't going to change, this is how he is and it doesn't work for you (it wouldn't for most people!) so you need to give serious thought as to the effect this is having on your mental health long term and that of your kids.

Growing up in a tense and toxic family dynamic, particularly when it extends across the wider family rather than just your parents, is harmful for children and runs the risk of teaching them that it's normal and acceptable to be unhappy.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

@Thisisalocalshop

I’m guessing it was legal as it was his house, so it was a cohabitation agreement. They sent two friends of theirs round one night (again unexpected) to watch me sign it in their presence, whilst my partner pretended he didn’t see what was going on. The next day I had enough and just hid the agreement and refused to return it to them. I gave it to a friend for safekeeping

Wow, I'm gobsmacked. He sounds a right spineless little shit to be perfectly frank. Someone who is genuinely a partner and has your back would never allow that to happen. He let you be intimidated and coerced by his families friends, is he really someone you want in your life?

[backseatcookers]

Oh and I know you said he's kind, but he isn't kind at all when it really matters. And that's all that matters.

[EKGEMS]

Why would you give him the time of day let alone resume a relationship with him and his freak show family??????

[Peridodo]

Do you think he would go to counselling with you? Somebody neutral might be able to help him see that he is being controlled by his parents at the expense of his relationship with you.
If not, I don't see how you can rebuild any kind of relationship with him.

The legal agreement you were being coerced into signing is just awful. I'm so glad you stopped this in its tracks.

[jimmyjammy001]

For them to go to these extremes there must be a huge amount of money involved? Does he own the house outright? How much is it worth? How much was the equity you brought along from your house? If we could get a better understanding of the sums involved we could probably make a better opinion for you op.

[REignbow]

Why are you not fighting for more than 50:50?

Your sons are learning to put her needs above their own and of anyone else. Completely dysfunctional. Also, why would you even consider being in a relationship with a man, that continually has tried to get you to sign things, to screw you over with money.

Your SIL, was very wise to distance herself. You need to.

[Thisisalocalshop]

@jimmyjammy001i think he has about £175k equity in the home, I think about £90k came from them. I had almost £20k, plus the £10k of my savings that I spent being on maternity leave. I never wanted any of their money. I earn more than him and can financially look after myself. It’s the fact that none of them, partner included, actually cared about what the agreement meant to me. None of them valued the almost 3 years I wasn’t earning to look after our children. None of them valued that I’d spent savings so I could be on maternity. The agreement wasn’t fair to me in any way, it didn’t offer me anything, however his mother graciously told me that I could take my own furniture with me if I left. I told him that I’d rather we bought together and he gave his parents back their money of it meant they would back off, but he didn’t want to. I would’ve been happy to ring fence off deposits.