Mummy’s Boy

[Thisisalocalshop]

Apologies as this will be a horrendous drip feed, but do you think it’s odd for a 40 year old man to take his Mum’s birthday off work, to go out for the day with his parents?

[Thisisalocalshop]

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18
We lived together for three years, I sold my house to move into his, spent the equity on our family, took a career break to care for our children and his parents turned up one day, cornered me and asked me to sign a legal agreement that outlined if we split I would be entitled to nothing and that I needed to leave in 8 weeks. He had been to a solicitor with them to draw it up and he never mentioned it to me. Even after his father visited, I was in shock and didn’t mention it to him and he never spoke about it once (he wasn’t there when his father brought it round). His dad then took every opportunity to corner me alone and visit when my partner was out to pressure me to sign it until I confronted my partner and refused. His parents then stopped speaking to me. They turned up unannounced at the home a month later and let themselves in. My partner was there. They apologised but then all 3 of them hanged up on me and tried to bully me into signing it and my partner did nothing. Following this, I resumed my work and moved out to buy my own home as I needed the security. He was supposed to buy with me but he refused. His sister says that it is because he is scared of his parents and they wouldn’t approve of him buying with me as they feel no one can be trusted and their family’s money needs to stay in their family. This is why we no longer live together

[ravenmum]

Why do you want to get back together with him?

[amillionwishes]

There's no way on earth I'd get back with him or even contemplate it. None.

[Thisisalocalshop]

@ravenmum Because I have two elder children whose father I split with and I didn’t want the same for my two younger children. He promised me that he would try harder to put me first and that he would break away from his parent’s control over him.

[ravenmum]

Do you like anything about him? (Not asking in a judgy way, just to understand the situation better.)

[backseatcookers]

You're all modelling unbelievably unhealthy relationships to the children involved.

[HollowTalk]

[quote Thisisalocalshop]@ravenmum he did plot behind my back. He and his parents went to see a solicitor together (apparently at their insistence) and drew up a legal agreement without a single word to me, that they tried to force me to sign[/quote]
Why on earth would you consider getting back together with a man like that?

[Pjsallday]

He sounds like a wimp. He'll never put you first. Get rid

[WiltedWillows]

Perhaps it's just you Op, seems your relationship
Isn't as good as you think

[Thisisalocalshop]

@ravenmum yes, he’s kind, we get on well, he’s got a good sense of humour, he’s family orientated (although that’s bit me in the arse). He’s a good dad to his children. But you’re right, I’m so incredibly angry with him as he keeps letting me down and I’m shocked that it was so visible to you from just a few words. Obviously I’m not concealing that anger well

[isabellerossignol]

He's not remotely kind if he has done all the things in your posts. How would you define kind?

[LemonTT]

Because you are annoyed by many things it’s hard to untangle.

He didn’t actually organise any of this or take the day off. He was offered a day out with the children on a plate. He didn’t do anything more or less for his mothers birthday than for yours.

Since he works for his family and is financially reliant on them this is not going to change. The split didn’t provoke the change. It’s not the right relationship for you.

Work on developing a co parenting relationship and let him deal with his family.

[SoulofanAggron]

They turned up unannounced at the home a month later and let themselves in. My partner was there. They apologised but then all 3 of them hanged up on me and tried to bully me into signing it

This is abusive. How creepy and such a power play, to let themselves in with no warning. Of course you don't want to sign something like that. Well done for standing up to them and their attempts to financially abuse you. It must've been a very difficult situation to be in.

Your OH didn't do nothing BTW- he was kind of joining in, by adding to the number of people pressurizing you to do this thing.

That he works for them is suspicious/difficult too. Can't he get a job by himself? I don't believe that he didn't know about the trip before the day. If they really do just book him a day off and tell him what he's going to be doing that day, that's very controlling.

He sounds beyond lame, in fact when he doesn't say anything, he becomes a part of what they're doing.

[Thisisalocalshop]

He does kind things for me, he always checks I’m ok, does jobs for me round the house, buys me little things so I know he’s thinking of me, pays for any maintenance I need on my car and just sorts it out. He’s horrendously taken advantage of by his parents. His mum is incredibly controlling and he just can’t stand up to her. He says it’s not a problem as he’s used to it. When our son was born she insisted on buying all of his outfits - o just let her get on with it as although they weren’t to my taste, I was happy she was helping. I later found out that she deducted the money from his wages and he never made an issue, just let it happen. She got really angry with me when I wanted my youngest son to wear my elder son’s christening outfit. She said ‘does he not deserve his own outfit’ and my partner just allowed her to say it. He told me that he doesn’t like the confrontation, and I know that the agreement was her idea. She’s paranoid that people want their money. She just had her husband do the dirty work so she didn’t have to get involved and my partner was too cowardly to stand up to her so chose to betray me instead

[jessstan2]

[quote Thisisalocalshop]@ravenmum he did plot behind my back. He and his parents went to see a solicitor together (apparently at their insistence) and drew up a legal agreement without a single word to me, that they tried to force me to sign[/quote]
Why? What do they have against you?

I think it is quite normal for parents to try and help their children with legalities if a marriage has broken down.

Having a day off to do something with his mum for her birthday is not a big deal especially as you don't live together.

[ravenmum]

Agree that his situation is partly the problem, and that is not going to change. They are presumably well off and he would basically be an idiot to turn his back on them?

You say he wants to get together with you. Why do you think that is: also just for the kids?

[jessstan2]

Thisisalocalshop: I later found out that she deducted the money from his wages and he never made an issue, just let it happen.
......
How did she have access to his wages?

This becomes more bizarre by the minute.

[ravenmum]

She is his employer.

[canyoucallbacklater]

On it's own, no. It's actually quite lovely that he still wants to spend his Mum's birthday with her. No one would look twice if it was a woman so the fact it's a man should make no difference.

However - after your update... BIN! Too much family interference - it's weird.

[Thisisalocalshop]

@jessstan2 we hadn’t separated we were living together and very much in a relationship with two children and had been together 5 years at the point his parents pulled out the agreement

[jessstan2]

@ravenmum

She is his employer.

Oh bugger! His and their lives are entwined. However the woman had no right to deduct anything from his wages without his consent.

I do wonder why they don't like the op.

[Giganticshark]

He sounds dreadful. Not my idea of a relationship.
Do you genuinely want to be with him? He sounds very unaware

[Zaphodsotherhead]

The entire family sounds horribly disfunctional. Your DH can't see it because he's too close and it's all he's ever known, so he won't wade in on your behalf. For all he knows, EVERYONE behaves like he does and you are the oddball for wanting him to be different.

It's gone too far, OP. He literally can't break out of being under their thumb because it's all he knows. They are going to all behave like this until the day his parents are gone, and then he's going to be lost without their directions.

You've got out. Now stay out. He sounds like he'll be a perfectly good dad to your DC, just from a distance. And watch out for his parents' influence on your DC as they get older...

[Thisisalocalshop]

@jessstan2 They only don’t like me because I wouldn’t sign the agreement. They told me it was nothing personal and they had got their other children’s partners to sign the agreements too. before the agreement we got on well, we used to go on holidays together. I used to just tolerate his mum’s desire to control and I guess let her get her own way, as it seemed to me like small wins to keep the peace. That obviously changed

[sitckmansladylove]

I have nothing against men who are very close to their parents (mine is a bit too much but I keep that to myself. When we had our first child he would spend all day Saturday at his mum's drinking tea and I nearly left him over it when I finally bit the bullet and told him)

But in your situation I don't think it's easy to resolve. There's a lot of bad feeling and he isn't making much effort for you and I don't think that will change.