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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex sent me flowers

43 replies

famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 00:12

We've been split since before lockdown. He was a big liar, pure hedonist and all about his own instant gratification and a slippery, gaslighty so and so but was always really lovely to me, just a little bit of a cunt behind my back.

Anyway, this time last year I was involved in something really traumatising. He was completely unsupportive, I was very ill with ptsd / cptsd and a big part of the illness was because of his deceitful and downright selfish behaviour at the time I needed him and he was away with an ex: in a group of women about which he'd been absolutely silent prior to going, I had no idea about the group he was with nor the ex. not the first time this had happened but last time was a different ex. He even had the audacity to tell me afterwards that he'd been wondering beforehand whether there's still a spark between them...I found all this out whilst reeling from the traumatic event and it really hurt me.

From various bits of evidence, and things he let slip, I'm pretty sure that he was never faithful, even without that trip.

I clung to him after the trauma because I was not in my right mind and needed him around. Of course, his presence actually made it worse.
In our final weeks together, more and more stuff came out and in the end I found the strength to end it.
I was heartbroken, mainly due to the deception and the loss of the good stuff we had and of course wondering if it was all a lie and torturing myself with ruminating on what he'd been up to.

Anyway... We kept arguing about it as he was adamant it was all my issue and because of the ptsd, so after fruitlessly trying to get him to see my point Hmm I blocked him and then he'd find another way to contact me until I'd blocked him on Al platforms.
then he wrote to me saying that I have commitment issues which is also the story he's telling mutual friends.
Fine, I don't really care have been over him for months he can say what he likes if it helps him to keep his ego afloat.

So, today I received a stunning bouquet through the post with a card basically acknowledging that this is the anniversary of the traumatic event and suggesting that I must be having a difficult time. In actual fact I've been having a ball.
I'm pretty sure that he only remembered because the anniversary also coincides with the yearly trip he took with the ex.
I had acknowledged the anniversary to myself and gave myself a pat on the back for how I've found my way back to 'normality' after a horrible breakdown.
Difficult to say too much but the original event had repercussions which actually carried on into this year and I have changed beyond recognition as a person because of it and I am still feeling reverberation s despite being so much better and am awaiting further therapy. He always pops back up when I'm in a 'good place' and since hearing from him I've started to have anxiety butterflies / palpitations which I haven't had for a few months and am feeling quite vulnerable now.

His card was advising me that the past is gone and to let go, or some such crap.

He knows I'm a polite person and would be likely to acknowledge and thank him for the flowers but ii feel I've come a really long way and don't want to reopen the communication with him.
So really I probably don't even need to post this as I've answered my own question but curious to know whether any of you would respond?

OP posts:
CatMotherQueen · 11/08/2020 11:13

I'd actually go further and say that his marking the anniversary of the trauma isn't kindness, but an attempt to trigger you into being re-traumatised. I've met these types before. Be safe.

VictoriaBun · 11/08/2020 11:20

You probably don't want to think too much on the past year, but spend a moment looking at how far you've come , and what you've overcome in that year ! Give yourself credit that you have done all this without him - plus despite everything that has happened you also have seen through him and the real person he is.
I'm sorry for your shitty year, but start looking forward to the next.

famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 11:29

@CatMotherQueen

I'd actually go further and say that his marking the anniversary of the trauma isn't kindness, but an attempt to trigger you into being re-traumatised. I've met these types before. Be safe.
Ugh. I hadn't even considered this but it's not outside the realms of possibility. I had an unfortunate relationship with a very old friend when my marriage ended. Our marriage was all so traumatic and this 'old friend' kept slipping really triggering things into conversation and then denying he'd said it or saying it's banter or I'd over reacted or looking for problems where there aren't any etc. I believe I allowed him to keep me in a horrible place for much longer than had I been single and dealing with divorce etc. He was definitely a case of too good to be true. This flowers guy has some similarities inasmuch as both very clever and respected and identify as socialist, feminist and it's all a complete load of bull, minimal respect for women once you scratch the surface. both had mother issues, one very open about it, one not so much. Hmmmm, need to be on the lookout foot similar traits again. I ignored a few things about the flowers guy because he presented as very open, I now see that was a front too!
OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 11:30

@VictoriaBun

You probably don't want to think too much on the past year, but spend a moment looking at how far you've come , and what you've overcome in that year ! Give yourself credit that you have done all this without him - plus despite everything that has happened you also have seen through him and the real person he is. I'm sorry for your shitty year, but start looking forward to the next.
Thank you @VictoriaBun that actually made me a bit tearful!
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VictoriaBun · 11/08/2020 12:04

@famousforwrongreason
Not my intention to do that, sorry , but hugs to you WineBrewCake

Bunnymumy · 11/08/2020 12:08

Eeee definately hoovering. Just watch out that he doesnt attempt different ways to contact you if this fails. Makes sure he is blocked on everything. You may get a rambelling letter through your door or mutual friends telling you they think he is sorry. Be on your guard!

Wilsonscaresme · 11/08/2020 12:08

just a little bit of a cunt behind my back

Whoah, no I think he was blatantly one to your face as well.

He loves blaming you, doesn't he.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 11/08/2020 12:46

This flowers guy has some similarities inasmuch as both very clever and respected and identify as socialist, feminist and it's all a complete load of bull, minimal respect for women once you scratch the surface.

These are the worst. My “flowers guy” has hitched his wagon to the extreme right, but in some ways I find this preferable to the brocialists, because even though I share none of his political allegiances, I know that he doesn’t actually believe in any political ideology beyond what will get him ahead (he’s in politics). Naked self-interest is preferable to self righteous finger wagging, though I’ll take neither if they’re both on offer.

famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 13:11

[quote VictoriaBun]@famousforwrongreason
Not my intention to do that, sorry , but hugs to you WineBrewCake[/quote]
No need to apologise, think they're tears of relief that I'm getting through it! But thank you, hugs well received! Star

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famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 13:15

@Bunnymumy

Eeee definately hoovering. Just watch out that he doesnt attempt different ways to contact you if this fails. Makes sure he is blocked on everything. You may get a rambelling letter through your door or mutual friends telling you they think he is sorry. Be on your guard!
I already had the letter after the blocking, he said that I was 'afraid of the strength of our love' Grin among other bullshit. As somebody said upthread, I honestly don't think he's used to being turned down. He's good looking, very cool, well connected, great job, good fun, up for anything (too much of everything) very successful on paper and pretty solvent. And a skilled adventurous lover with a great appendage.
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famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 13:18

@WinterAndRoughWeather

This flowers guy has some similarities inasmuch as both very clever and respected and identify as socialist, feminist and it's all a complete load of bull, minimal respect for women once you scratch the surface.

These are the worst. My “flowers guy” has hitched his wagon to the extreme right, but in some ways I find this preferable to the brocialists, because even though I share none of his political allegiances, I know that he doesn’t actually believe in any political ideology beyond what will get him ahead (he’s in politics). Naked self-interest is preferable to self righteous finger wagging, though I’ll take neither if they’re both on offer.

Ugh, god, extreme right would scare me rigid but tbf this guy's lefty principles were complete bullshit. He was very pally with the 'other side' in order to progress his career. He was always talking about how compassionate he is and how much of an empath he is and used to talk a lot about how he was a target for narcissistic women who usually cheated on him and drained all his resources. I used to find it really confusing, especially in light of my distress, it seemed that his empathy didn't stretch to seeing his own girlfriend being treated like a mug...
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Guiltypleasures001 · 11/08/2020 13:24

This is a deliberate strategy to trigger you

Take flowers outside and burn them, he's a monster treat him as such

These are the sort you should be getting Thanks

Bunnymumy · 11/08/2020 15:29

Ugh. They really do all follow a script.

All those words like empath and narcissist, he has learned them because of women he has treated shitty in the past calling him exactly what he is. Then gone on to read about it. That's why you should never tell the narcissist what they are.

Meckity1 · 11/08/2020 15:35

I agree with previous posters. If he can trigger the trauma again, it's easier for him to manipulate you back into his company.

I hope you are okay, and that you can still have an awesome day.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 11/08/2020 15:40

Ugh, god, extreme right would scare me rigid but tbf this guy's lefty principles were complete bullshit. He was very pally with the 'other side' in order to progress his career.
He was always talking about how compassionate he is and how much of an empath he is and used to talk a lot about how he was a target for narcissistic women who usually cheated on him and drained all his resources. I used to find it really confusing, especially in light of my distress, it seemed that his empathy didn't stretch to seeing his own girlfriend being treated like a mug...

It’s total projection, these men will say anything. It sounds like your flower guy is about as committed to the left wing as mine is to the right.

I can’t say too much because it’s outing (of him, he is fairly well known in some political circles), but mine is an integral part of the hideous Trump / Farage / Bannon cabal. He doesn’t really believe in any of it (or anything).

He absolutely loves the idea that a left winger like me could want him, but I don’t. Not in any way, and never have done, but he likes to think I do, and periodically will try to pull me back into his orbit.

famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 15:55

@WinterAndRoughWeather

*Ugh, god, extreme right would scare me rigid but tbf this guy's lefty principles were complete bullshit. He was very pally with the 'other side' in order to progress his career. He was always talking about how compassionate he is and how much of an empath he is and used to talk a lot about how he was a target for narcissistic women who usually cheated on him and drained all his resources. I used to find it really confusing, especially in light of my distress, it seemed that his empathy didn't stretch to seeing his own girlfriend being treated like a mug...*

It’s total projection, these men will say anything. It sounds like your flower guy is about as committed to the left wing as mine is to the right.

I can’t say too much because it’s outing (of him, he is fairly well known in some political circles), but mine is an integral part of the hideous Trump / Farage / Bannon cabal. He doesn’t really believe in any of it (or anything).

He absolutely loves the idea that a left winger like me could want him, but I don’t. Not in any way, and never have done, but he likes to think I do, and periodically will try to pull me back into his orbit.

Amazing how many of them there are around! Yes you're right, they will say literally anything, abandon all their so called principles for a chance to be in the thick of anything and have some clout!
OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 16:00

@Meckity1

I agree with previous posters. If he can trigger the trauma again, it's easier for him to manipulate you back into his company.

I hope you are okay, and that you can still have an awesome day.

Thanks, what a lovely message. I have actually had a really productive and positive day today despite chronic pain (I have disabilities) and with help from friends I'm a step closer to creating the garden I want. Funny, this ex was always helping his other ex, if I e er needed help around my house he was mainly too busy or too knackered. He did help with a couple of big jobs but of course, he'd already primed me by telling me how demanding this ex gf was. He apparently did loads to her house. I couldn't help but feel sad about it. Had he been the father to her kids I wouldn't have minded a bit but he was only with her on and off for two years with other women in between and it didn't sound like he had any relationship with her kids. But obviously now I have zero idea what was true. He's definitely riled me up by contacting me again. Each time he comes back is always when I've reached a point of relative inner peace, maybe he's more of an empath than he seems !
OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 11/08/2020 16:05

@Bunnymumy

Ugh. They really do all follow a script.

All those words like empath and narcissist, he has learned them because of women he has treated shitty in the past calling him exactly what he is. Then gone on to read about it. That's why you should never tell the narcissist what they are.

Yeah I've learned that recently, probably from here. I don't want to save men from themselves anymore, keep ying those red flags mate so that women know to keep well away from you! After we split I saw his dating profile, it was just awful altho the pics were good, his spiel was quite creepy and almost overtly sexual. Very different from when I'd met him. I'm pretty sure that if I read his updated profile now I'd never have responded to him. We split briefly over Christmas / new year, he was straight back out dating, plus I found condoms etc when we were together, supposedly they'd been there' a long time', honestly I just laugh at myself now.
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