My Dh's wrist watch is driving a wedge between us...

[artichokes]

... it is a very expensive watch and he loves it. He could never afford another watch like it. Thing is it was a gift from his ex. She got in engraved on the back "To X, I love you every second, Y".

I hate the fact that we are married and have a baby but everywhere we go this memento of his last love comes with us. They are not in touch anymore and I am not worried he still loves her but I find this inordinately annoying.

Am I being unfair, obsessive and mad or do people agree that it is weird for him to keep the watch irrespective of how nice it is?

(oh dh gets one too)

Can we turn this on its head please?

Man turns to woman "You arent wearing that "

What would we say? We'd say he was controlling - wouldnt we?

If it was me I'd ask what he feels it would cost him to give up the watch. Because at the moment he seems to feel that the cost of giving it up is so high that it outweighs your feelings on the matter. You're obviously not the only one with strong feelings around it, it's just that yours are more visible because he's just stubbornly refusing to move.

I have to say I think all this "men are different" is crap. It sems to be a license for men to get things to go their way at the expense of a female partner. Put it this way if I had an expensive fancy watch bought for me by an ex I wouldn't wave it in front of my dp and say it was my pride and joy because it would be tactless and thoughtless in the extreme. He's basically putting a material item above your feelings which is pretty immature (I think maturity got mentioned somewhere).

He's hardly waving it in front of the OP and saying its his pride and joy!!!!

He's just wearing the thing! It's a farking watch!

I wouldn't say it was controlling if a man said to a woman he didn't want her to wear a gift from an ex because it makes him feel that she still loves him, it's a constant reminder of their relationship, and it hurts him.

Just because people would be ok with this if it was them, I don't think it's fair to say that the op should just get over it. If it hurts her, then her feelings are important and her dh should listen.

IMHO!

ebay it!

Elizabeth put it better than me!

I can understand why it bothers you. Much less intense, but my DP has not one but two nutty exes who send him presents and cuddly toys that we have to have around the place and that DS plays with. I don't doubt him either, but I would like him to see my POV about it being inappropriate.

However, I do think it's important not to let it become a huge thing, because that can be damaging. And I think the best way to let it go is to learn to laugh about it and see it with a world-weary, cynical and eye-rollingly amused way instead of feeling threatened. if you can cultivate this in yourself, you'll calm down and stop mentioning it... and I bet you a million quid, if you don't care about it so much and drop it, your DP will eventually care less too. I bet it is largely the pressure from you that is making him cling to it. I know that's what my DP is like anyway - the merest whiff that I want him to do something and he'll dig his heels in - leave him to it and he comes round to my POV.

(or am I just too cynical?) [hmmm] (cynical face)

Of course her feelings are important.

But so are his.

He loves the watch (not the person that gave it to him, just the watch - he's told her so and probably many times).

She is being somewhat irrational about the watch, and has developed a real focus on it.

It's appropriate to be considerate to each other's feelings. But when it starts becoming irrational - which IMVHO it is and clearly he thinks the same - how much attention should he pay to it?

Should we bow down to all feelings - no matter how irrational? That, to me, is just bizarre.

The thing is if as all you "get over it" brigade say it is just a watch to him, then if he knows it makes someone he loves unhappy is it worth it?

I dont think its controlling to take into account and care about the feelings of the person you share your life with, OK if she starts monitoring his phone calls and cutting up clothes that make him attractive then id say "controlling"

Still im notoriously unsentimental about things, sold rings given to me by ex and dont even own a photo of him - hell why would I ever want to look at him again

"He could never afford another watch like it."

my dh has a nice watch that his mate made (was watchmaker)

we haven't seen the guy for ages he really pissed dh off and upset him

still wears the watch because it is nice

I think you're the one attaching the sentiment to something that to him is just a material possession

I have a v expensive pen bought by a former boyfriend and I still use it, no-one is getting me another one as nice and anyway, it is part of my life

Agree completely SL.

So much focus is being put on this watch - I know I'd dig my heels in about it. Especially with the "oh, look at this lovely present I have bought you get rid of that evil watch"

And then "Look at this - isnt this a much nicer watch than that one? Especially since I am giving it to you..."

Yes - its worth it CC.

Why should he bow down to such ridiculousness?

He has a nice watch and he wants to wear it. Why the feck cant he wear a nice watch?

Why cant he wear the nice watch? What is so terrible about wearing a nice watch?

The more I say, the more weird it sounds.

And, whilst I am thinking about it - why should he completely erase his past by binning all posessions from that time?

It's part of who he is now. He's grown from those experiences. Made him what he is now.

great post snowleopard

I still don't think it's irrational that it bother's the op - 'just a watch'... that says 'To X, I love you every second, Y'... that's not 'just' a watch!

don't really wanna argue about this
but I don't think the op is being totally irrational.

back to my point - snowleopard summed it up well - great advice

For me, the minute his relationship with his ex finished, the watch would cease to be a token of anything at all, and it would be an ordinary watch.

I had DP's ex wife's wedding dress under the stairs in a box for 6 months, though!

Can you arrange an accident for it - one in which you can be seen to have played no part? And then claim for it on the insurance?

goodness me

it is lucky that men aren't this bonkers

I still wear a belt that an ex-bf once tied me up with

happy days

blu

No!

that's an awful, underhanded thing to do, and if he catches you, well, it would kinda prove my point , but honestly - it would do more harm.

Ah, MP - the voice of reason....

If, as all you pro "leave the man alone" people say "it is just a watch", nothing more, no longer a symbol of the love his ex once had for him, why can't he sell it and put the money towards another nice watch?

I am with the OP here. I wouldn't like my dh wearing something as personal as an engraved watch from a former girlfriend.

Have you thought of "accidentally" spilling a hot drink on it? (when dh is not wearing it of course )

I have a book of positions
you know, positions
bought for me by an exbf
he's written something in the front. lord knows what.
it's in my bedside table
should I throw it away? DH doesn't seem to give a stuff

Me again. Less pre-menstrual today so slightly more rational.

I think I better prove that I am not some whining, resentful loon. The watch does bother me (particularly yesterday, due to aforementioned PMT and a minor sin that DH committed at an inoppurtune moment). However, despite the wording I used in my OP, I do not usually make a big deal about it, or even think about it.

SL mentioned using humour and acutally that is what I have always done. I have only really let him know I think about it by joking. He jokes back. Twice we have had a serious conversation about it - once when I bought him the replacement and once yesterday. I think my mood yesterday was partly due to shock that DH did not stop joking when I became serious and said I was uncomfortable by the continued presence of the watch.

I am slightly hurt that DH was not more sensitive. He is usually incredibly thoughtful and sweet. However, i am prepared to admit that I might be expecting more than I would give. DH is totally fine that I am still friends with my ex and see him regularly, maybe I can be fine that he still wears the watch after dumping his ex and losing contact with her.

No I really wouldn't have the watch meet with an accident. Do you think after all this DH isn't going to smell a rat???!

Could you get it a new back, get it serviced then sell it on ebay then he can buy a new watch with the money he makes

lol
I am always finding inscriptions in books from various ex-husbands and boyfriends...

Actually I lent a book to a friend recently and realised it had an inappropriate inscription from my ex-husband in the front and I removed the page as I was rather embarassed

But with this watch, you are asking your DH to give up a part of his past that he isn't ready to give up. If you insist on this, I think he is going to resent that. And it makes you appear a little bit of the "psycho wife". I really think you need to wait until HE is ready to get rid of it.