boyfriend out of blue finished with me yesterday - confused.

[molsykins]

Morning,
so yesterday my boyfriend out of the blue finished with me. Im totally heartbroken and cannot stop crying.
Background.
I know him through work, but we live 1hr15 away from each other.
I am 41and divorced with three children age 5,7,8.
He is 51 with no children, and not been married.

We have been together nearly 9 months.
we see each other every other weekend when I am child free.
Later this year I was going to start introducing him to the children, which would eventually lead to more time together.

He never wanted children, and hasn't dated anyone with children before. so we had early conversations about this. But he wanted to give the relationship a try.

Week before last we had a fantastic week in Dorset together, and he brought up the subject of meeting the kids.
He was then down with me this weekend. we had lovely Saturday, and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time.
On the Saturday evening following excited talk about Greece, I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc. This then led into a long conversation. Then when we woke on Sunday morning he said in light of the fact he hasn't fallen in love, he doesn't think he will, then we need to end it. He said he cant picture himself fitting into a family unit in years to come etc. and its not fair to meet the children if he doesn't love me.

Our relationship has never had arguments, we don't bicker, its been very happy, pro-active, full of mutual hobbies, great sex life. Im in total shock.

He said he still has all his feelings for me, and still fancies me.

I am distraught.
What do I do about our 6 night trip to Greece in 13 days? He said if I still want to go, thnen he will go.
But am I setting myself up for more pain.

people are telling me to fo the no contact thing, but the holiday puts a spanner in the works.

Im desperately trying not to message him today.

Yesterday I was in a sobbing state for 8 hours, and he was with me throughout before he had to leave for Surrey. He left upset as well. He just says if he hasn't fallen in love now, then he wont.

This year he has been a tower of strength in helping me with divorce, recently doing house viewings with me, he said he will help decorate new house etc. What on earth can change in one day.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm surprised though that the subject of love has only just come up now. I would have been concerned he hadn't said it long before then. Had you told him you love him at any point?
I also wonder if the thought of the imminent meeting of your kids has scared him too. Perhaps the reality of that has hit home now.
Personally I think you should forget the holiday. Not sure how much money you would lose but I really don't think you should go. He has told you were he is at and its caused you a lot of pain. I suspect you will only end up with more.

Usually, 'out of the blue' dumpings occur because the dumper has somebody else lined up.

I'm so sorry. I think it sounds like he liked you and was happy to give it a go but he hasn't fallen in love so doesn't think it's fair to involve the kids. Also, to get to that age and not been married or had kids then maybe he is someone who can't commit or is avoidant.

I wouldn't go away with him, can you change the tickets and go with someone else?

Wow, that was a bit of a hit in the gut, wasn't it?

Have you paid for the holiday? If you've invested money then I would go. If he's there too, then treat it as a break up reward.

He's done you a favour, really, OP. He's recognised that there's something missing and he's acted on it. Now you might find, given some time and space to reflect that he does, in fact, have deeper feelings for you and may come back (if you love someone let them go blah blah).

But if he doesn't love you and has identified it isn't likely, well it's a good thing he's done so when you're 41 and haven't invested years into him, or introduced him into your family.

You'll get through this.

@TwentyViginti

Usually, 'out of the blue' dumpings occur because the dumper has somebody else lined up.

Unfortunately this was my first thought too.

I’m sorry, it is horrible and painful when someone we love tells us they don’t feel the same. But he is right and fair to tell you and not pretend. Can you take someone else on the holiday instead? If not, I would just write it off.

Oh I’m so sorry that’s really difficult. I think though he’s unfortunately done the right thing. He told you he’s never dated anyone with kids or wanted them but was willing to try. Seems like he’s done what he said he would bit now the relationship is getting to the stage of going away together and meeting the kids it’s not for him.

I think as sad as that is it’s better he’s been honest now before gong ahead and meeting the kids and developing more commitment in that way.

It’s really sad. As for the holiday can he give you any money back to spent on it or could you go and take a friend?

I was sorry to read this and have a friend who went through something similar - that little 4 letter word is just too scary for some people! I don't think I could go on a holiday with him after this, unless I really really thought that there was a chance of making up but then what?
Maybe time to cancel the holiday and get on with your own life for a while - its his loss

Realistically you've been having a long distance relationship and that's obviously worked well for him until now.
You need to have a frank conversation with him, before the holiday, to ask him what he sees as a future for this relationship, if there is one.
If he says he wants to just carry on as you are, long distance and alternate weekends, is that honestly ever going to be enough for you?

One thing I would say is, please don't go along with this thinking one day he might change his mind. If he's honest enough to lay his true feelings out, you may not like them but you have to accept them, however hard that is.

I don't think it's out of the blue, though, is it?

He never wanted children.
You were making plans to integrate him in your family life. You don't have older teenagers who are likely to leave home soon, but young children.
You brought up the issue of love. He hadn't said he loved you because he didn't.

I've been there and this was the time to take stock before involving the children.
He seems honest and decent enough to walk away rather than getting into a situation where everyone might end up hurt.

I think you should next find someone who is happy to be around children. Or keep the relationship separate from the kids.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. Unfortunately if he doesn’t love you no contact is the way you have to go. It’s the only way to get over it.

Personally I wouldn’t go on the holiday. It seems a bit irresponsible to go away without your children given the speed some places are locking down these days and to do so now with a man who has told you he doesn’t love you seems madness.

Write off the holiday ( I know it’s bad to lose money and trip but in the long term it’ll have been worth it) and block him on everything.

Focus on yourself and your children.

I wouldn't want to go on that holiday with him.
Look at cancellations or date changes for flights ASAP.

This is so hard for you, OP.

It sounds like he is someone who struggles with commitment in any case - that's how he's got to 51 never having been married or had children. He likes the fun easy side of relationships - not the hard work. So he's happy to be involved for the dates/shared hobbies/sex/fun activities etc but not anything which might require him to start seriously considering other people's feelings, needs and wants rather than simply just pleasing himself all the time. What you have had up till now has suited him fine but it sounds like the prospect of introducing him to your DCs and somewhat integrating him into family life is too much for him.

In your shoes, since you clearly feel very strongly for him, I wouldn't try to have the holiday with him as I would just find it too excruciating. It's going back decades now but when my first love dumped me after 3 years, he was keen to transition straight into friendship. After a couple of excruciating date-like outings (e.g. cinema etc) where he didn't take my hand or do the things he would normally have done, I realised it was just re-opening a very fresh and painful wound, and I have never tried anything like that again. In time, we became good friends and it was all fine but it took several months to get to that point.

Usually, 'out of the blue' dumpings occur because the dumper has somebody else lined up. It’s not really out of the blue though is it? They had a heart to heart the night before, about meeting the kids, about his never having told the OP he loved her. I think it’s possible to have strong feelings for someone until they ask you to pin it down so to speak, and that’s easily something that can make you want to rethink the whole situation.

The OP expects him to have said he loves her by now and he hasn’t. Added to that she wants to bring her kids into the relationship, and he doesn’t even think he’s in love with her. There was never an easy way to address this one, because either way he would have to have said why he’s never told the OP he loves her. And either way it was bound to hurt.

and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time
I couldn't get past this... say WHAT?????

He sounds honest tbh, it really hurts I know but he sounds like he is trying to be honourable at this relatively early stage.

Why would he date someone with children, if he doesn't like children & the family life ?

You are better off without him

I wouldn't go on the holiday
End the relationship totally
Cut contact

@hellsbellsmelons

and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time I couldn't get past this... say WHAT?????

I too looked at this and was

OP I hope this isn't the case but it makes me wonder if he is married or at least leading another life. If you're only seeing eachother alternate weekends and a few extra occasions, plus he's 1.5hrs away, it wouldn't be impossible. Maybe the 'love' word freaked him out and he realised it wasn't going how he planned?

I've just noticed that he still stayed for 8 hours before leaving and you were in a sobbing state.
Did you want him to stay?
If so why?

As he’s got to 51 without wanting children he was mad to start dating someone with 3 young ones.

He liked you and obviously enjoyed your company but the reality of family life seems to have been too much for him and he’s sensibly got out now rather than meeting your children and them going through your upheaval of him being in and then out of their lives.

Tbh the first 9 months of a relationship should be the honeymoon period and it sounds quite heavy going. You’re not yet divorced, have to move house and he’s been involved in all of that. Tower of strength is great but surely that should be a longer term friend or family member, not a new boyfriend.

People always jump to someone a man cheating but it seems far more likely that he’s just got cold feet about the complications of your life. That’s okay. He hasn’t been cruel or heartless, ghosted you, or met your kids and then bailed. It’s run it’s course and better now than later.

@hellsbellsmelons

and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time I couldn't get past this... say WHAT?????

Christ! I missed that bit!

He's 50 and never married. He could possibly be a commitmentphobe.

I know you're hurting tight now but Its probably not wise to he with soneone who makes being together so hard.

As for Greece is try and go withbsomeone else or not go at all.if it was with him. Goingbon holiday with him isn't going to suddenly make him fall in love and just rile up your emotions.

This is one of the few times i don't think an OW is involved. I expect he hadn't thought about the love issue until you brought it up but he is right, if he doesn't love you now he never will.
Go cold turkey, block zero contact. I would go on the holiday myself if he is happy to miss out on it. A week in Greece will do you the world of good

Have you ever been to his house?

Met any of his friends or family?

Why wouldn’t he pack his own case in Surrey?

Smells of cheater to me.