boyfriend out of blue finished with me yesterday - confused.

[molsykins]

Morning,
so yesterday my boyfriend out of the blue finished with me. Im totally heartbroken and cannot stop crying.
Background.
I know him through work, but we live 1hr15 away from each other.
I am 41and divorced with three children age 5,7,8.
He is 51 with no children, and not been married.

We have been together nearly 9 months.
we see each other every other weekend when I am child free.
Later this year I was going to start introducing him to the children, which would eventually lead to more time together.

He never wanted children, and hasn't dated anyone with children before. so we had early conversations about this. But he wanted to give the relationship a try.

Week before last we had a fantastic week in Dorset together, and he brought up the subject of meeting the kids.
He was then down with me this weekend. we had lovely Saturday, and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time.
On the Saturday evening following excited talk about Greece, I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc. This then led into a long conversation. Then when we woke on Sunday morning he said in light of the fact he hasn't fallen in love, he doesn't think he will, then we need to end it. He said he cant picture himself fitting into a family unit in years to come etc. and its not fair to meet the children if he doesn't love me.

Our relationship has never had arguments, we don't bicker, its been very happy, pro-active, full of mutual hobbies, great sex life. Im in total shock.

He said he still has all his feelings for me, and still fancies me.

I am distraught.
What do I do about our 6 night trip to Greece in 13 days? He said if I still want to go, thnen he will go.
But am I setting myself up for more pain.

people are telling me to fo the no contact thing, but the holiday puts a spanner in the works.

Im desperately trying not to message him today.

Yesterday I was in a sobbing state for 8 hours, and he was with me throughout before he had to leave for Surrey. He left upset as well. He just says if he hasn't fallen in love now, then he wont.

This year he has been a tower of strength in helping me with divorce, recently doing house viewings with me, he said he will help decorate new house etc. What on earth can change in one day.

@Year2020
Your post is really cruel to me

@Year2020

What a stupid nasty post.

@molsykins take no notice of @Year2020 she's obviously been sniffing glue tonight.
I have a husband who has taken on 2 kids under 2 (at the fine) with no kids if his own until we had our 3rd together.
The right man for you is out there and wren you find him you'll look back at the twat bloke you're posting about now and you'll grimace and cringe in equal measure but either way you'll be deservedly smug

Year2020, my fiance took on my 3 kids and we have a fourth together. We're getting married in 6 weeks. He's pretty decent. Fair enough, not every man wants this but many actually do.

I sympathise with you OP. It is really hard when you have feelings for someone to let them go. I think for the timebeing you have to let him go - you're not in the right place to make a good decision about him. Block him for a good amount of time (at least 6 months) and then if you still want to be friends with him start again on a friendship basis.

How are you doing Op?

You mentioned you know him through work. Do you have to work directly with him?

OP, it really does sounds like reality hit him. If he didn't want his own children, you can understand why he wouldn't want that life. As a pp said they are very young so no going anywhere soon. I know it's devastating right now but in reality trying to blend him and children would have been really difficult. I would say that he probably found it difficult to end it but felt he had to do it. No way would I go on holiday with him though. You would spend the whole time in limbo hoping to get him to chamge his mind. Just write it off.

Op,

Please don't go to Greece with him. Either get him to pay you back anything youve put in, and book yourself something else fun, or take a friend instead, or go by yourself.

I know you're sad but if he's not feeling able to say I love you by now, and the reality of meeting the kids made him finish it then you are better off apart.

I don't think there's someone else.

I think he's been enjoying the relationship exactly as it is but the reality of your future together has dawned on him and he probably doesn't want the commitment of living with and being part of raising young children.

If these are his genuine feelings then he has been sensible and honest and he has done the best thing for you by ending it now rather than meeting your kids, potentially bonding with them, and then realising it's not for him. Which would have caused even more upset.

It's a shame it's been 9 months because you obviously have strong feelings for him at this point.

Sending you lots of strength OP to move forward.

As for Greece. I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh OP, such a horrible shock & situation. Usually men who haven’t got married or have kids at that age are commitment phobes or actually quite selfish. When I’m online dating it’s a red flag for me. However, he gave it a go and decided it wasn’t for him. The only thing you can do is move on and chalk it up to experience. Horrible to be heartbroken and I feel for you. My last boyfriend was a commitment phobe but told me after only 2 months and that was bad enough.

Sorry you’re hurting but its best to know now before he met the kids. Sometimes things just run their course - that’s why we date to see whether someone is suitable for the long term .. he is not. Let the 8 hours sobbing be it now, out of your system. Draw a line. Forget the holiday to Greece could be awkward anyway with travel restrictions with children.

Enjoy being with your lovely children and have some fun with them.

Read some self help books on mending a broken heart paul mckenna does one and it helped me.

I've dated two men and in their 50's had never been married and never had or wanted children. They still want to date and have sex and a casual relationship. The can do a relationship without commitment and seeing a woman once a week or every other weekend, suits them and their lifestyle fine. I know these men broke a lot of hearts because while spending time with them, they are caring, considerate and because it's 'false' ( by that I mean, whenever you spend time together, it's child free and doing fun things rather than every day drudgery). Their relationships all have a shelf life and when the women they're with want to move the relationship forward, they end it and move on.

I think you did the right thing, regarding asking him his feelings and meeting the children and finding out now that it's not in his agenda to move the relationship to a proper committed relationship.

There is someone even more amazing than him in your future. You will look back and thank him one day and be grateful for the lessons he's given you and what you don't want in a man.

He has said himself he doesn't want kids OP.
That's what this is, he doesn't want to commit to a family and doesn't want to be around someone elses kids and three kids is a lot of children to be around if you are not keen on children especially at that age when they are in your face and loud, always wanting attention.
That would be hell for someone who is not a lover of children especially at his age.
I would not go out with a man with three children this age, I would not even date them to start with.
It looks like everything was ok until you suggested he meet the children then he decided it wasnt what he wanted and has tried very clumsily to let you down.
I'd be furious not upset, he has led you down the garden path just to dump you when you want him to meet the children he doesn't want to meet. I'd give him a piece of your mind.
Unfortunately men like this abound, it is common for them to treat single mums like a temporary relationship until something better and less tied down with children comes along, I met quite a few when I was a single mum.

Hate to say it but he has said to you and thought about being in a ready made family and it is obviously not for him, 3 young kids for a bloke to meet and take on is alot to ask, I know women say that your not taking on someone else's children but if you ever move in together he will have to assume step dad position, at least he was honest and tried to make it work with you and did not right thing by calling it off before things got serious

Sorry Jimmyammy, but unless the OP kept her children secret from him (which clearly she did not), he has made a conscious decision to enter into a relationship with a woman with 3 children. At 51, he will be fully aware of what that entails, so he has made a decision to overlook it for 9 months, for whatever reasons he had.

There are so many men out there who just want short to mid term relationships and who are very good at pulling the plug when it suits them. Which is fine if everyone is on the same page and people don't get hurt. Clearly the OP is hurt, because she isn't the same type of person.

I find this man quite calculating actually.