boyfriend out of blue finished with me yesterday - confused.

[molsykins]

Morning,
so yesterday my boyfriend out of the blue finished with me. Im totally heartbroken and cannot stop crying.
Background.
I know him through work, but we live 1hr15 away from each other.
I am 41and divorced with three children age 5,7,8.
He is 51 with no children, and not been married.

We have been together nearly 9 months.
we see each other every other weekend when I am child free.
Later this year I was going to start introducing him to the children, which would eventually lead to more time together.

He never wanted children, and hasn't dated anyone with children before. so we had early conversations about this. But he wanted to give the relationship a try.

Week before last we had a fantastic week in Dorset together, and he brought up the subject of meeting the kids.
He was then down with me this weekend. we had lovely Saturday, and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time.
On the Saturday evening following excited talk about Greece, I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc. This then led into a long conversation. Then when we woke on Sunday morning he said in light of the fact he hasn't fallen in love, he doesn't think he will, then we need to end it. He said he cant picture himself fitting into a family unit in years to come etc. and its not fair to meet the children if he doesn't love me.

Our relationship has never had arguments, we don't bicker, its been very happy, pro-active, full of mutual hobbies, great sex life. Im in total shock.

He said he still has all his feelings for me, and still fancies me.

I am distraught.
What do I do about our 6 night trip to Greece in 13 days? He said if I still want to go, thnen he will go.
But am I setting myself up for more pain.

people are telling me to fo the no contact thing, but the holiday puts a spanner in the works.

Im desperately trying not to message him today.

Yesterday I was in a sobbing state for 8 hours, and he was with me throughout before he had to leave for Surrey. He left upset as well. He just says if he hasn't fallen in love now, then he wont.

This year he has been a tower of strength in helping me with divorce, recently doing house viewings with me, he said he will help decorate new house etc. What on earth can change in one day.

gilbertmarkham maybe he's infertile? Lots of men get left on the shelf if they can't provide good stock. Might explain it. And saying he doesn't want children may be what he's told himself after not being able to have them. We don't know.

Gosh OP, I think he was making a statement to you about what he wants in this relationship, FWB. He will be back! Do yourself a big favour and block him. He could have encouraged you to talk again after your holiday, however, it chooses to say it before the holiday.

My advice to single parents who want to date again is to introduce the children early into the relationship. Do not over-invest time and energy if they might not even like the children when they meet them.

He was just going along but had no intentions to have a relationship with you. Patterns do not lie, you need to watch out for the signs.

I also think that he's been honest and fair. I'd be going on the holiday without him though.

It was out of the blue. Lots of things have prompted this.

He wants a casual relationship, without children.
You have children and want love.

He isnt the man for you.

How long have you been divorced?

I meant it wasnt out of the blue

There's a reason he's got to the age he is child free and single. Take a friend to Greece. Don't rush into another relationship.

My advice to single parents who want to date again is to introduce the children early into the relationship. Do not over-invest time and energy if they might not even like the children when they meet them.

Right. And what about your children's wellbeing while you're introducing them to short term casual partners to "test" their commitment? What about safeguarding them against introducing unrelated males into their lives that you barely know (which a million and one studies will tell you is one of the most dangerous things you can do to your kids)?

This might be the worst piece of "advice" I've ever read on Mumsnet. Or anywhere for that matter.

Introducing the children early on doesn’t have to mean the man starting to spend weekends at home or even sleeping there when the children are in.

It can just mean some outings together or a few meals.

I agree that it's better to introduce early on, as friends or a boyfriend, although not moving in or for sleepovers too soo.
The children meet lots of new people all the time with no ill consequences.

But I think it's useful to see how they interact, and have a reminder that you come with children.

Ah, you poor thing, this is a horrible thing to have happened but I reckon he’s been straight with you and that’s a very good thing in the long run. I have a hunch there’s no other party involved and he’s sussed that life with children is not for him. There’s a big difference between a meet up every two weeks and the get to know the children caper. Don’t go on holiday with him, that would be a horror show. Just let him go and move on. You’ll be absolutely fine.

@IWantT0BreakFree, Children do not choose their parents boyfriends or girlfriends. The children have to go along with it. If you are a good judge of character, you should at least know that the person is decent, hence, can introduce the children early. When I say early, it does not mean within a few days or weeks.

How many time have we heard of stories where people have dated for months before introducing the children and then bang - you hear cases of the wicked stepmothers or stepfathers. People tend to over-invest into relationships then introduce vulnerable children into such relationships because they are "in love" or the person is "nice to them"

In the case of OP, she was dating a man of 51, who have no children of his own. She has overly invested in the relationship without considering that this man may be good around her but is he decent around young children. Parents who want to date must consider children first.

Introduce the kids early- I am not talking about multiple partners, observe people - words are nothing, it's actions that count.

I would never date a man with young children for months before meeting them. As I have stated already, children must come first.

Haven't read it all but I wanted to say that I met a guy on OLD and he had been in a similar situation in fact engaged and just realised that at his age he did not want to spend his later years rearing children . He split up with her because of this - hopefully with a bit more advance notice than yours. I'm sorry this has happened to you but he has shown his true colours . He has obviously had doubts about life going forward .

Don't go on holiday with him, it will only end up becoming a fling with him, don't downgrade your relationship.
It's taken him 9 months to say he doesn't love you or want to meet your children, he would of known this for almost the entire time I bet and stringing you along because he fancies you, you are worth more than this.

Personally, I don’t think the holiday is a good idea. You will be hoping he falls in love with you and he will be feeling awkward because he doesn’t feel that way. Him deciding he isn’t in love with you is nothing to do with you and is entirely to do with him. He sounds commitment phobic and it’s gone from a long distance relationship to becoming a family and he’s cacked his pants at the whole idea. He’s probably spent his life running from this kind of thing. I’m sure he likes you, but not enough to change who he is.

My advice is to get on YouTube and watch Amy Young, Derrick Jaxn, Susan Winters, those kind of life coaches. It’ll give you a bit of perspective and act as a crutch while you get your life back together. It will hurt for a while, then it will get less and less and then you’ll realise it wasn’t the right path for you after all. This too shall pass.

If you are a good judge of character, you should at least know that the person is decent, hence, can introduce the children early. When I say early, it does not mean within a few days or weeks.

No sorry, there's absolutely no good reason to be introducing children early on in a relationship. There are however a million very good reasons not to. You can think you're the best judge of character in the world, but nobody is psychic and an abuser can easily keep their mask firmly in place for months on end. Hell, some of them manage it for years but it's obvious that the longer you allow the relationship to develop, the greater the chance that you will be able to spot those red flags.

The only reason for introducing your kids early, is to reduce the chance of you becoming emotionally invested and having to deal with a bit of heartache when the relationship doesn't work out because he's crap with kids/doesn't want kids etc. To attempt to mitigate the risk of feeling that heartbreak, you're talking about putting your children's wellbeing on the line instead. That's piss poor parenting.

I think he sounds grown up and sensitive and sensible. He obviously likes you and spending time with you, but if it's not going to be more than that then he has done the fair and right thing and not even in his best interests because he could have said it after Greece and left you in the dark. I don't think you should go on the holiday.

I have to disagree. You cannot be introducing people to children willy nilly early on.
You need to ensure the relationship is stable and secure.

@molsykins what's the Greece situation? Have you taken a shit in his suitcase and sent it back to him decided what you are going to do and have you heard anything from him?

I agree with OP, kids need to be introduced to security, not Katie Price stylee

OP,
51 never been married and no children, highly unlikely that he was going to want to take on a woman with 3 young children.

Really highly unlikely.

He's done you a favour, finally.

Block and move on.

Also sobbing for 8 hours in the arms of a man who has just dumped you is bizarre in the extreme. You knew him for just 9 months and it was an every second weekend relationship. I don't mean to be cruel but where was your dignity?
You really need to work on yourself before you put yourself out there again. As lovely as he may have been a 51 year old man who never married and never had kids was never going to settle down with someone who had three small children. I mean it was so unlikely that that would happen so while you could still enjoy a relationship of sorts within getting so involved was so unwise

I agree with @Workshy44 - you should view him as transition man following your divorce and try to enjoy future relationships without investing so much. I broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 20. After 4 years together he was my best friend and our lives were enmeshed (same circle of friends and hobbies). He left me for someone else, but I'm quite sure I didn't spend 8 hours sobbing over him and I certainly didn't do it in front of him. Do you have some other loss or grieving going on?
In any case, it sounds as if you had a lovely relationship, but not right for him when taking it to the next level. You will be fine!

I think it's the fact you had kids. I've been through similar myself. Some people would argue that if you were the one for him and his feelings for you were in the right place then the kids wouldn't matter. And to the right man, it won't matter. But he's 51 and never had the responsibility of kids or marriage, he's not going to change now. I'd leave him alone, things are unlikely to change.

This all answers the questions of both why hes still single and no relationships at 51 and why he chooses to date a woman with 3 small children very far from his home.

Of course if he's married (why only take 1 suitcase? Was that his idea?), he would know yoyre unlikely to spontaneously show up at his house or village, right?

Hi op how are you ? Nothing worse than this . I would just leave it there . I know how hard it is and how hard it's going to be but men like him more than likely has another interest . Youl find that even tho they tell you they have never loved and never will in a few weeks you will hear he is all loved up with somone else ! X