boyfriend out of blue finished with me yesterday - confused.

[molsykins]

Morning,
so yesterday my boyfriend out of the blue finished with me. Im totally heartbroken and cannot stop crying.
Background.
I know him through work, but we live 1hr15 away from each other.
I am 41and divorced with three children age 5,7,8.
He is 51 with no children, and not been married.

We have been together nearly 9 months.
we see each other every other weekend when I am child free.
Later this year I was going to start introducing him to the children, which would eventually lead to more time together.

He never wanted children, and hasn't dated anyone with children before. so we had early conversations about this. But he wanted to give the relationship a try.

Week before last we had a fantastic week in Dorset together, and he brought up the subject of meeting the kids.
He was then down with me this weekend. we had lovely Saturday, and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time.
On the Saturday evening following excited talk about Greece, I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc. This then led into a long conversation. Then when we woke on Sunday morning he said in light of the fact he hasn't fallen in love, he doesn't think he will, then we need to end it. He said he cant picture himself fitting into a family unit in years to come etc. and its not fair to meet the children if he doesn't love me.

Our relationship has never had arguments, we don't bicker, its been very happy, pro-active, full of mutual hobbies, great sex life. Im in total shock.

He said he still has all his feelings for me, and still fancies me.

I am distraught.
What do I do about our 6 night trip to Greece in 13 days? He said if I still want to go, thnen he will go.
But am I setting myself up for more pain.

people are telling me to fo the no contact thing, but the holiday puts a spanner in the works.

Im desperately trying not to message him today.

Yesterday I was in a sobbing state for 8 hours, and he was with me throughout before he had to leave for Surrey. He left upset as well. He just says if he hasn't fallen in love now, then he wont.

This year he has been a tower of strength in helping me with divorce, recently doing house viewings with me, he said he will help decorate new house etc. What on earth can change in one day.

@molsykins

I am so sorry you are really upset. Take care of yourself and if possible try to step back and looked logically at your 9 month relationship

I am assuming that since he lived 1.5 hrs away that during the lock down you didn't actually meet up. So take that out of the 9 months.

He has never had children and you do and you have chatted about him meeting yours. This has panicked him. Not all people want children. He sounds like he doesn't. Maybe he isn't right for you and your family.

He sounds like he is trying to be nice 'I'll go on holiday if you still want to go' but sounds as if he has already made his mind up and the relationship will not move to the next stage. No point in fighting this if he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. Get a refund for the holiday and book something for yourself and a friend - or could you go with a friend instead of him?

He is correct though, it isn't fair to meet your children if he cannot see it progressing.

Try to put it down to what is was, a brief romance, fun and never meant to go the distance. You sound like you want different things in life.

No contact is really helpful since the drip drip contact extends things and leads to more hurt and can lead to resentment as well. Head held high and off you go - there WILL be someone better, more suitable, in time....

Good luck, it's hard but you can do it

To be honest, I think he’s done a favour in being honest with you. Better to do it now than after a holiday and meeting your kids.

I know it hurts right now, but he has done the right thing. This relationship just wasn’t meant to be.

Ha! Think my sentence has been misunderstood!!!
We are only taking one suitcase. And as I’m away with kids the week before I needed the suitcase so I said for him to bring down bits he’d want in suitcase.

@Day0utDrama

I wouldn't go on the holiday End the relationship totally Cut contact

This.

Do not go away with him whatever you do, it'll be agony and do a number on your self esteem. Cut him off.

You'll get through this OP and you deserve so much better. Someone who loves you and wants to be part of family life. Sending unMumsnetty hugs.

@MashedSpud

Have you ever been to his house?

Met any of his friends or family?

Why wouldn’t he pack his own case in Surrey?

Smells of cheater to me.

Yes to meeting friends and yes to going to his.

Ha! Think my sentence has been misunderstood re luggage !!!
We are only taking one suitcase. And as I’m away with kids the week before I needed the suitcase so I said for him to bring down bits he’d want in suitcase.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It seems really strange you had all those conversations and then he dumped you... even if he has someone else lined up which is quite possible.

As for what's next - really consider going to Greece but by yourself, definitely not with him as it'll be a "pick me" dance. Start over, focus on your and your kids and kick that off with a Greece holiday on your own or with kids. It'll do your confidence a world of good and you'll be refoccussed off of him when you return.

To put the situation into perspective

I know someone who lives with a partner & they both have children. Only one set of children live there

Heard them say to a friend "I don't love her"

I bet that the person who they live with would be devastated to hear this & surprised too

I thought how cruel, why don't they live on their own then ?

It's sounds like it is better that you found out now, not later. He sounds like he was not emotionally connected to you.

It's the love thing though isn't it. He hasn't fallen in love with you and doesn't think he will. I assume you told him you loved him and he realised you weren't in the same place.

I'm sorry you are feeling so heartbroken. I had a relationship end last year for the same reason. He met my kids (teenagers) but wouldn't sleep over as somehow that crossed a line for him. I said I loved him. He realised he couldn't say it back. I was so sure he loved me because of the way he was with me and I took it really badly. A year on I can look back and see how different our circumstances were and I'm grateful he didn't string me on any longer even though I was so hurt at the time.

I wouldn't go on the holiday with him. You will go with the hope he will change his mind. For me losing the hope was the hardest part. Once I gave up the hope I started to heal.

Why did you question him about him not saying he loved you? Some men never say that...never want to say that... they just haven't read the same books or seen the same movies that you have.

I'd say 'you spilt with me so I deserve the holiday, you stay home'. If he was a decent person then that's what he would have suggested. Wanting to go with you? Fuck that. What a dick.

I wouldn’t take it personally. I think his relationship history will be littered with these discussions about commitment etc. He doesn’t want kids of his own, let alone someone else’s and let’s face it at 51, who would want 3 children in their lives all aged under 8. Your every other weekend of fun events and sex has suited him and that’s probably why he got involved. Harsh as it is to say and read, he probably never had any intention of settling down with you or anyone else with kids for that matter. There will be a lot of attraction and for some men that’s enough.

I would see this as a period for you of learning to live a life again post divorce and preparing you for the next encounter.

@Lweji

I've just noticed that he still stayed for 8 hours before leaving and you were in a sobbing state. Did you want him to stay? If so why?

He just stayed - to comfort me

He just stayed - to comfort me

That's nice

Did that comfort involve sex?

He’s a bad bet for you, the reality of 3 young kids has shaken him from his sex haze. Move on, there’s someone who will suit you better.

He’s done the honourable thing - hasn’t kept you dangling or used you for sex. He’s been upfront and honest and hard as it is, it’s by far the kindest thing to do to you.

Do not go on holiday with him - you will end up sleeping with you and hoping beyond hope it will change his mind, only to find yourself heartbroken all over again when you land back in the UK.

Sounds like he was happy to date you as a single woman while your children were out of sight and out of mind. But when you’ve brought up the subject of meeting your children it’s all become too real. He’s probably thought about whether he wants to take the next step of meeting them and the answer is no. I wouldn’t go on holiday with him, just make a clean break and next time choose someone who’s more accepting of children.

He's 51. He doesn't love you. You been seeing him for a few months -he has not met your kids.
You love him and are having sex with him -he doesn't love you but likes the sex.

Just cut it off -yes it will hurt. But just pull up the draw bridge. I can't get over "he stayed to comfort me" and offering to go on holiday -ie let's have a shagging holiday but I have no feelings for you. Eek!

Ah OP, this sounds rubbish, but you have to take control of the situation now. Don't go to Greece, it will only be painful and awkward for you both. I'd cut contact and focus on looking after yourself.

I'm sorry op. Really hard to hear but if he doesn't love you then don't get dicked around (like I have been .. Ha!). He's a commitment phobe. They're just painful to be with.

'Comforting' you for 8 hours is a bit weird under the circumstances. Was he hanging around for a shag?

Your out of the blue and my out of the blue are quite quite different.

You yourself brought up the topic of how it is weird that he hasn't said he loves you and how introducing him to the children will be an odd one given he has no interest in parenting or children. That's the opposite of out of the blue. That's having the writing on the wall for months! If you choose pretend it isn't there, that's hardly his fault.

I am guessing this relationship seemed good to you in comparison with your recently ended marriage. Raise your standards much further above such a low bar.

Sounds like he just got carried away with a little romance and just being with a woman, and had not had much experience of these things before.
He has at least been truthful about exposing that the relationship isn't, in his view, for him. Maybe he just want's a woman friend.

In the nicest possible way you are running the risk of humiliating yourself here and taking the scraps he is prepared to offer (sex, basically) in return for a battering to your self esteem and zero commitment or actual partnership. I think most of us have been there at some point.

Allowing him to "comfort you" whilst you cry over him for 8 hours is not good for you. He is not the person who can help you get over the end of the relationship. Being friends with him, still letting him sleep with you, going on holiday with him, telling him how sad you are, all these things that people do at the end of a relationship like this; none of it is going to make him love you or commit to you, and ultimately it's going to make you feel like shit because you'll have laid yourself bare and got nothing meaningful in return.

The only way is to go cold turkey, block him and ask him not to contact you again so that you can get over it and move on. Lean on friends and family for support. Breakups are shit. Sorry you're hurting

Things have not changed in one day. He was happy with how things were but understandably, you wanted things to move on and he had to raise the matter of doing so when ultimately he doesn't have loving feelings for you for whatever reason.

It was ok whilst you were boyfriend/girlfriend but not if he was to move in with you, bond with your kids etc...

He gave it some time to see if the feelings would develop but now doubt it will happen and thinks it's better to end it now. He doesn't want to hurt you and think it would only be worse leading you on for longer.

Its absolutely heartbreaking and my heart goes to you.