boyfriend out of blue finished with me yesterday - confused.

[molsykins]

Morning,
so yesterday my boyfriend out of the blue finished with me. Im totally heartbroken and cannot stop crying.
Background.
I know him through work, but we live 1hr15 away from each other.
I am 41and divorced with three children age 5,7,8.
He is 51 with no children, and not been married.

We have been together nearly 9 months.
we see each other every other weekend when I am child free.
Later this year I was going to start introducing him to the children, which would eventually lead to more time together.

He never wanted children, and hasn't dated anyone with children before. so we had early conversations about this. But he wanted to give the relationship a try.

Week before last we had a fantastic week in Dorset together, and he brought up the subject of meeting the kids.
He was then down with me this weekend. we had lovely Saturday, and hed brought down his clothing for me to pack, for our trip to Greece in two weeks time.
On the Saturday evening following excited talk about Greece, I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc. This then led into a long conversation. Then when we woke on Sunday morning he said in light of the fact he hasn't fallen in love, he doesn't think he will, then we need to end it. He said he cant picture himself fitting into a family unit in years to come etc. and its not fair to meet the children if he doesn't love me.

Our relationship has never had arguments, we don't bicker, its been very happy, pro-active, full of mutual hobbies, great sex life. Im in total shock.

He said he still has all his feelings for me, and still fancies me.

I am distraught.
What do I do about our 6 night trip to Greece in 13 days? He said if I still want to go, thnen he will go.
But am I setting myself up for more pain.

people are telling me to fo the no contact thing, but the holiday puts a spanner in the works.

Im desperately trying not to message him today.

Yesterday I was in a sobbing state for 8 hours, and he was with me throughout before he had to leave for Surrey. He left upset as well. He just says if he hasn't fallen in love now, then he wont.

This year he has been a tower of strength in helping me with divorce, recently doing house viewings with me, he said he will help decorate new house etc. What on earth can change in one day.

@IWantT0BreakFree

In the nicest possible way you are running the risk of humiliating yourself here and taking the scraps he is prepared to offer (sex, basically) in return for a battering to your self esteem and zero commitment or actual partnership. I think most of us have been there at some point.

Allowing him to "comfort you" whilst you cry over him for 8 hours is not good for you. He is not the person who can help you get over the end of the relationship. Being friends with him, still letting him sleep with you, going on holiday with him, telling him how sad you are, all these things that people do at the end of a relationship like this; none of it is going to make him love you or commit to you, and ultimately it's going to make you feel like shit because you'll have laid yourself bare and got nothing meaningful in return.

The only way is to go cold turkey, block him and ask him not to contact you again so that you can get over it and move on. Lean on friends and family for support. Breakups are shit. Sorry you're hurting

All of this - great advice.

I'm sorry. He has been honest with you though it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's better this way but I'm sorry as it sounds like you're understandably invested.

Don't go to Greece or ask him not to go to Greece (as he is the one who finished it) and take somebody else or go on your own. He will never give you want and deserve

I read that he was 51, never been married or had any children and instantly thought the guy has commitment issues and emotionally unavailable. That’s just a sweeping generalisation but that’s the first thought that came into my mind. These types of men just float about from relationships to relationships.
You sound amazing, there is plenty time to meet someone worthy of you and your precious children.

How many times have you actually met? You say every other weekend for 9 months but take out the months of lockdown and it really isn't that much. He always said he didn't want children and surely better for him to tell you there is no future now, rather than after he has met the children for the first (or 3rd or 6th) time?

@IWantT0BreakFree

In the nicest possible way you are running the risk of humiliating yourself here and taking the scraps he is prepared to offer (sex, basically) in return for a battering to your self esteem and zero commitment or actual partnership. I think most of us have been there at some point.

Allowing him to "comfort you" whilst you cry over him for 8 hours is not good for you. He is not the person who can help you get over the end of the relationship. Being friends with him, still letting him sleep with you, going on holiday with him, telling him how sad you are, all these things that people do at the end of a relationship like this; none of it is going to make him love you or commit to you, and ultimately it's going to make you feel like shit because you'll have laid yourself bare and got nothing meaningful in return.

The only way is to go cold turkey, block him and ask him not to contact you again so that you can get over it and move on. Lean on friends and family for support. Breakups are shit. Sorry you're hurting

Agreed. Exactly this.

Well. No point going away on holiday with him.

He stayed 8hrs while you were crying and a mess? Was he getting a kick out of that?

Gather yourself up - grab your dignity - process this then move on. Bigger fish to fry & all that.

I think he did the right thing if he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to get involved with your children. You might have brought the ending a bit closer by instigating the conversation but better than dragging it out any longer.

I also agree with pps that he should not have been the person to comfort you for eight hours and you should definitely not go on the holiday.

@TwentyViginti

Usually, 'out of the blue' dumpings occur because the dumper has somebody else lined up.

Why would this knowledge, if true, be helpful to the OP who is in pain and hurt.

I agree with previous poster that this wasn't out of the blue at all All the signs were there, including never saying I love you to you and also never chose to have kids himself before now, clearly showing he's not keen on children at all.

Sounds like he's being honest telling you his feelings and doesn't seem to me to be another woman involved. Yes it's sad since you liked him but I dont understand the heartbreak at all - surely you knew all along that this was a likely outcome based on your own early conversations with him, and should be happy you've dodged a man early on who wouldnt be able to handle your kids (perfectly understandable as not everybody can deal with someone else's kids on a daily basis). Next time dont get so invested in someone until they've met your kids (who are part of the package with you) and are ready to be part of family life.

He’s done the honourable thing - hasn’t kept you dangling or used you for sex.

Actual he sort of has used ok for sex .. cause he got involved with her, knowing she has three young kids and knowing he's family "phobic" and probably commitment phobic too. He's had decades of these situations if imagine, he knew he'd probably feel and act the same way. And I'm sure he's had plenty of hurt, disappointment, bitterness, distress etc before due to it too.

Unless op said she wanted casual/sexual etc. he knew his it would very likely go .. he's done thirty years of this.

Honourable would have been not getting involved in the first place.

*op

• By "had" I mean I'm sure he's seen plenty if hurt etc due to it from previous partners.

Hellsbellsmelons that was the thing that jumped out at me

Why on earth are you packing for him? Seems like he's quite happy to have the benefits of being with you without shouldering any of the responsibilities.

Can you change the holiday to take your DCs or a friend instead?

Honestly I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. He likes you but your conversation made him realise he doesn’t want the commitment of falling in love and being a step father.

It sucks but at least you were sensible enough to not rush into letting him meet your kids.

So many men not ready or able to.commit, but somehow always ready and able to have sex, huh.

Ok, the no.previous commitment by 51 was a big ol red flag. He's just been true to form. People don't often change.

All you can do is be stoical and grateful for the good things he brought to your life, the support etc through divorce .. but that's he's not ltr material. He's a confirmed bachelor.

Oh and not only is he a confirmed bachelor, but he's hardcore; the reason I'd say this is that he doesn't even have kids from."accidents".

Such accidents are very common with men who get into relationships but won't commit, their partners think it will solve the "problem" (it rarely does). I've lost count of the no of times I've seen it; he fact he hasn't by 51 means he's either meticulous with condoms, or perhaps pushed exes into terminations, or previous partners thought he was such a hard nut to crack/bad bet, not even one tried to pull "oops I'm pregnant, the pill must've failed" on him!

I think it is a case of you thinking your relationship was moving forwards, and him having stalled early on. Take a look at Natalie Lue's stages of relationships:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/

And then what she says about conflict:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-170-conflict-the-five-stages-of-relationships/

"When an established couple says that they never argue, that’s a problem. There’s a reason why they don’t. No one gets on all the time. We’re humans and get on each other’s nerves. We have things that bother us. How have we managed to go through an entire relationship being two separate people and never disagreeing?"

It's because he has still been early stage 2, and you have been getting ready for stage 3. He's probably never been beyond stage 2 with anyone.

Don't go on the holiday - unless it is without him.

This isn't about you, it's about him. And he's actually a bullet-dodged. If you hadn't had the conversation, you could have still been waiting for an 'I love you' and meeting the children in 9 years' time!

Do a Shirley Valentine and go to Greece alone

Looking at the full picture, as hurt as you are, he's actually been kind and considerate with the timing. He is right to do this before meeting your kids and getting them involved. They are young and he probably realised it's all fun and games if you just have nice weekends and holidays together but the mundane reality of life with young children (and they are young!) is not what he signed up for. Good for him to end it now. Cut ties. Sob and move on.

@Day0utDrama

Why would he date someone with children, if he doesn't like children & the family life ?

You are better off without him

Because he would IF he fell in love but he realised he is not in love.

Tbh i havebeen in his shoes where things are ok but you realise, id be ok with this ending. He didnt string you along. :-/

How are you feeling today @molsykins ? Did you make a decision about your holiday?

On a side note, covid cases are increasing in Greece. In two weeks travel might not even be recommended as far as we know.

It's not necessarily about being able to commit if you arent married at 51. I'm 48 in a few months and in a relationship with a man aged 50. Together nearly a year and neither married, no kids.

I never married because my relationships weren't worthy of commitment. I just never met anyone I wanted to marry. Relationships were abusive, became mundane or we fell out of love.

He never married because he never met anyone he wanted to spend his life with and didnt want to settle for the sake of it.

More telling for you op is this man never dated women with children. He knows himself better than anyone and clearly wanted to try with the relationship but realised it wasn't for him.

I agree with all those that said he did the right thing ending things. That doesn't take away from the fact you are in shock and hurting. Look after yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down OP.
It sounds to me as though when it came to the crunch of meeting your children, he has decided he still doesn't want children.
It won't feel like it now, but I think it may be a blessing in disguise.
Had he have met then and they became attached to him, and he decided later that he definately didn't want children, things would be much more complex for you, as you would not on my have to deal with your own grief, but that of your poor little ones too.
I honestly hope you feel better soon xx

GilbertMarkham Actual he sort of has used ok for sex .. cause he got involved with her, knowing she has three young kids and knowing he's family "phobic" and probably commitment phobic too. He's had decades of these situations if imagine, he knew he'd probably feel and act the same way. And I'm sure he's had plenty of hurt, disappointment, bitterness, distress etc before due to it too.

I agree with this - I suspect he is very practised in pursuing nice relationships with nice women and then not falling in love with them after she shows signs of wanting to move it on a stage. Perhaps he gets better or more reliable sex from pursuing actual relationships - the options for NSA sex for a man in his fifties are somewhat limited.

Not being able to fall in love is a classic sign of psychopathy - they arent all monsters with criminal records - as is being able to cut people off for little or no reason and walk away from inter-personal relationships.

Saying that, I know plenty of female friends who have had to really work to keep a man from leaving them and have ended up quite happily married eventually. The mumsnet advice is always to leave the bastard as soon as something goes wrong. Perhaps the best advice lies somwhere in the middle (otherwise all you have is short term relationships comprised of people flouncing off immediately something goes wrong).

'I said I was nervous about the first meet up with the kids, and where should we go etc. I also said I was aware that he hadn't said he loves me, and should this be a concern etc.'

The conversation clearly made him snap into reality. What he has at present is all about to change etc and he's clearly very comfortable in his decision. I'd suspect he's been there before.

It's a horrible feeling Op, and personally I wouldn't go with him on the trip as you know this isn't going anywhere.