Has anyone split up over the stepkids

[spinqueen50]

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

I wish my DSis would spilt up with her awful DH and his equally awful adult DC. They were horrible children and now they're vile adults. She's wasted on him and them. Reading some of these posts is like reading about her. So upsetting.

Counselling could be an option yes.

And I understand the point re length of marriage. I understand that anything up to 5 years is considered a short marriage. He says that if we divorce he only wants what he put in. I don't intend to leave it another 3 years with this stuff unresolved.

I feel as others have said here already ,that upon a divorce he may well be due to more that the 13k he has paid .He will probably say he has been paying towards the mortgage for some time as well .Once Divorce proceedings are in place ,the gloves are off and he will try all manner of things to make himself more comfortable .500k is a sizeable pension by any means ,but as PP said he will probably argue that it will be put to a new home for him!Need to get a really good Solicitor .Also maybe look at Counselling as a lat resort?

I don't know the background so sounds like there is more going on but your first post suggests the issues is household cleanliness and different parenting. If the mum hasn't helped to make the boys independent, maybe through her own guilt it is nigh impossible for you to affect change.

Uni could be the making of them as it is generally uncool to be a total slob and not have clean clothes.

Why won’t you just go get legal advice to find out
A) how long would you have to be married for your house to be considered assets of the marriage. Does the length of the relationship prior to marriage also count?

B) How much of his pension would you get.

Is any of the above affected by the fact you both want to support your dc and give them help in starting their lives.

You don’t have to do anything with the information.

But you’d be mad not to find out.

www.lovemoney.com/guides/63000/divorce-and-pension-splitting-uk-everything-you-need-to-know

Agree with the PP who suggested to get legal advice. You don't have to do anything with it, but it's good to be armed with the knowledge.

The situation doesn't sound unfixable if your husband gets his kids to pull their fingers out.

First and foremost speak to a solicitor about protecting your assets. I know he's said he'll only want what he put in, but people do strange things concerning money and divorces. Trust me, been there, seen that and got the T-shirt - tbh a T-shirt was all I could afford by the time my ex got finished!

As for the relationship, I'd finish it once the finances are sorted, but if that's not what you want, I'd suggest councilling at the very least

Your stepkids sound hideous. They are not toddlers yet they are behaving like them. If the oldest hates you so much...ermmmm...perhaps he should leave?

Tbh you have an OH problem underlying it all. Storming out til 5am...omg... I am exhausted reading about all the ruffled malefeathers you arexpected to tolerate.

I would ditch them and get a lodger to pay for the remortgage. He/she might even clear up their own crap from the bathroom 🤣🤣

@Fizzysours if only. We can't seem to get rid.

We reached a truce whereby he has given the kids a stern talking to and told them things have to change. We've been blissfully kid free (well, boy free) for 4 days but they are due back tomorrow. We'll see what's changed.

But surely even if DSS1 does do 'multiple degrees' he can't just sit at home (yours, or his mum's) while he does them? He's going to need to work to fund them! He can't sit at home until he's 35 doing more and more degrees and not contributing to the household - if he wants to do more than one then he'll need to fund the rest himself, by getting a job and renting a house and all that normal living stuff.

And yes, kids do grow up later and can't just step into jobs and all that, but having a post university adult living at home full time for any length of time isn't really on.

The lads are no different to any other lad the same age! Why should they treat you with respect when you openly say you do not like them?

Just ended my relationship on Monday due to stepchildren - absolutely lazy child who refuses to work and keep clean and tidy. Father uses the fact the adult children were abandoned by their mother as an excuse as to why the boat can’t be rocked 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷‍♀️ My own children have also been abandoned by their father and do not behave like that. His daughter won’t get a job as she doesn’t like people 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

His children are adults, I’d suggest talking to them all calmly and explain how you feel. If things get heated and any of then start to strop put your foot down and tell them they have two options; the adults start doing their chores and respect your house and your husband starts putting his foot down or they can all move out. It seems harsh but they’re going to university etc so they’re obviously bright enough to understand that it isn’t acceptable.

I’m regards to your husband not liking you and your daughter having a holiday together I’d tell him it’s happening whether he likes it or not as she’s your daughter and she was there before him.

I feel for you OP and I understand you don’t want to throw your marriage away, but they definitely need to step up.

It's very rare that step children will not become a problem, even if they are young they quite often become problematic in teenage years and even when they leave home I've found a there still to be dramas, it isn't worth the hassle with someone who allready has kids, there are still plenty of people out there who have no kids and are free and single with no responsibility and you can do alot more together.