Has anyone split up over the stepkids

[spinqueen50]

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

The 'we'll come too' thing would really bug me. It sounds as if he wants 'family life' but with someone else, i.e. you, doing all the actual thinking and hard work to make it happen. I was also wondering about their mum. Presumably it's an easier life for the lads living with dad who lets them away with everything.

Could you manage to buy him out of his share? Might be worth finding out so you at least know your options.

Ah, their mum. I'll get slated for this but she's part of the problem. She babies them and makes them do nothing, and her house is a tip so there are no house rules there. I have no relationship with her so I can't even begin to discuss it with her. She let her kids think that I was the reason for their marriage breaking up because that was easier than telling them the truth.

I think I remember your previous post on the subject. Either you hold on with the knowledge that they are near to moving out but get that absolutely firmed up by everyone or say he needs to move out until theyve left home.

I've always raised my kids with the expectation that they'll move out when they go to uni. From then on they'll be visiting not living here. DH seems to be on board. I got slated last time I said this on here.

This is what I'm struggling with @Wallywobbles. I totally get that kids visit in the summer when they're not at uni. But I didn't expect that contact pattern to resume for an adult. He has no social life and my house is nicer than his mum's so he still wants to come as much as he used to. And I can see that carrying on for years to come, even though my husband insists it won't.

My daughter only sees her dad once a fortnight or so now. Her friends are all here, as is her part time job. That seems more normal to me.

Why could you or your DH not tell the truth about you to the boys?

Was it convenient for your DH to let you take that flack?

Why did your DHs marriage break down and how close was it from him leaving the family to being in a relationship with you?

Was the DH NC with his sons for a period?

Also the washing the men’s clothes role - who was doing that before - you?

Can’t everyone take responsibility for their own laundry?

I don't really want to reveal why his first marriage broke down but it wasn't his fault. He'd only been separated for about 6 months when we met. He didn't know his kids blamed me. He still saw them but the oldest pretty much blamed him for years, and he didn't really deal with that until about a year ago.

Re the washing: he did it when he had his own house, and then it fell to me when he moved in. Until I decided I'd had enough.

Sorry, blanked him. Not blamed him. I remember a holiday with him and the two boys where the eldest literally sulked the entire week.

It doesnt sound like its working out, I wouldnt be happy being general dogsbody for 3 people who are carrying their weight. And getting grumpy with you for wanting time alone with your DD is quite appalling. Its still a short marriage so you should be able to exit without too much financial pain. Perhaps say to him living together isnt working for you and you want to go back to living separately? Althought tbh that probably wont work and instead he'll make a big effort for a while then it will all slip back to how it is. Sadly so many people put on a front to get you locked in, and its only then you see the 'real' person wants to live.

You see a sulking child - I see one in pain and in need of compassion, comfort and communication from his Dad.

Why was he unwilling to console his child?

I don't think the kids are really the problem here. Your husband is, though.

Does your husband not clean up after them? If so I’d leave him to it.

If not then while it doesn’t make it ok, in the boys eyes if dad doesn’t do any housework why should they?

This sounds dead in the water in any case, DH problem.

[quote spinqueen50]@ButteryPuffin only about £13k. And he's been paying half the mortgage and bills for two years since he moved in. And yes, that's what worries me regarding uni. Although SS has already paid to rent somewhere in his university town.[/quote]
Please tell me you protected your equity in the house

I seem to remember a very, very similar thread from a while back (definitely within the past year). Can't remember the name of the poster but I hope she is still around to give you advice.

I'm going to be blunt here - this is your life now, if you don't like it you need to change it because f**k living in a way that doesn't make you happy. Sounds to me like you brought the majority of the financial assets into the marriage and if you separate / divorce then you'd sill be in the "short marriage" bracket and not have to give away too much of your hard earned wealth. Something to think about, considering that your daughter's inheritance might be affected later down the line.

We don't know your DH, but from an outsider's perspective it looks very much like he saw an easy ride - money, nice house, compliant wifebot to replace the previous defective version and thought "happy days I'm in here". From your side, you gain very little from the current set up.

At a bare minimum I would be giving an ultimatum and a fixed date for improvements, otherwise out they all go.

I empathise. My two SC do fuck all for themselves, clothes all over floor (standard), food/wrappers left on the floor, never flush the toilet (that's the one that grosses me out the most), they do no chores at all when they're here.
I've gradually got them to bring their dishes into the kitchen when finished but that's it and that's a bit hit and miss tbh.
DH (dickhead husband at times) has a go at me if I ask them to do anything so I've given up. It's infuriating but now I just let my beautiful house become a shithole when they're here. It drives me insane though.
The kids are lovely kids, I really like them but they're not expected to lift a finger at their Mum's house (which is an absolute state compared to mine).
The only saving grace is that it's my house, lock stock and barrel. I pay everything, he pays a contribution so if I ever get to the point where I've had enough he's gone.
OP could you not rent a room out to cover the income shortfall if it's really that bad? Sorry to hear it's got to this, I totally sympathise with you

Oh the house is in my name. I never put him on the mortgage. So I guess it could be argued that what he pays in monthly contributions is just rent. Other than the small amount he paid off the mortgage when he moved in.

I'm sorry you have to live like that though. You must count the minutes til they're gone and you can return the house to its loveliness.

Hopingtobeamum - I really hope that you are not hoping to be a mum with this “Dickhead Husband” - any child of yours deserves a much better father and family to be born into. Also not sure how you are so sure that you are in a position of ejecting from your home that easily if you are married - surely he is entitled to equity growth in “your” property during the marriage.

Also spinqueen50 you might want to get some legal advice as I believe your assumption that he is not entitled to a share of the property value (increase since marriage) if he is not on the mortgage is wrong.

My ex fiancé and I broke up over his step kids (well, it was actually him and his ex still at each other’s throats - I got on well with the kids). But it’s hard OP - being a step mum is 99.9% a thankless task. You have no “final say” or natural authority so it falls to the dad - if he either doesn’t care or is more concerned with being a Disney dad this can be a very tricky path to navigate. Good luck. It’s so, so hard.

I ended a relationship before the stage of moving in because I really did not like the step-kids. I have none of my own.

I think it was the correct decision some 20 years later, but it did end the best sex I have ever had.

Yes. He hated my two boys.

His 2 girls could do no wrong (except smoking, tattoos, drinking)

He was a total control freak and money orientated. The equity from my house afforded us a bigger house, thank goodness the solicitor ring fenced my money.

He was vile. Now on his third marriage and that’s on the rocks too. He contacted me via his daughter a while back. Told him to f**k off!

@BG2015 can I ask how long you were married if the solicitor ringfenced your equity in the house?

Sounds like your husband is more of the problem than his children. He's the one who isn't backing you up. He's the one storming out and not coming back til 5am. He's the one who resents you having time to do your own thing.

Seriously I'd get some legal advice, and if an early divorce would mean you could ringfence your assets, I'd do it.

It needn't mean the end of the relationship (I bet it will be though), but it will mean you can go back to how you used to be.

I think this marriage is dead in the water. It's not fair on anyone, especially the children. And if he doesn't support you then you're on a hiding to nothing.

But I have to ask, why did you do it? You knew how they felt, you knew your DD had nothing in common with the boys.

Why didn't you keep separate households?

Yes my marriage ended for similar reasons , to what others have mentioned interfering ex. him letting the kids get away with murder, not backing me up or supporting me calling me names in front of them and encouraging them to do the same.
Being horrible to my DD to the point where I couldn't stay in my own house when they came. I used to dread it.
So glad that I m out of it and to be honest it has changed my outlook and I would never do it again. You will never be the loved step parent and it's so hard when there are two houses with different rules and standards. I m now single and my choices are affected as in dating men with younger kids is a no no so ideally no kids is the best for me.