Has anyone split up over the stepkids

[spinqueen50]

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

Did you protect your equity when you married though? Did you ring fence your property? You need to see a solicitor and make sure you are protected. He may be able to claim equity from your property, depending on the circs. You're married to him, that gives him certain legal rights...

Your situation sounds untenable to me. He sounds shit, lazy, and like he wanted to latch on to a woman who would carry the mental load of creating a family life for him.and his kids.

The kids and the ex wife seen pretty certain that he left the ex for you. You say he'd been separated for 6 months. He told YOU that. But what did the ex wife and kids think was the case at the time?

He sounds rubbish and a horrible partner so I'd have a look between the lines (and also plan for how he behaves towards a wife at the end of the relationship). You absolutely need to quietly speak with a good family solicitor.

Ok here's the deal. His ex left him for another woman who she'd been having an affair with for over a year. She didn't want to come out to her kids. So I was the scapegoat.

Did your DH facilitate throwing you under the bus?

It was one of the major reasons I split with my ex. He was hard work anyway, so it’s not like he even made the hard job of stepparenting worth it.

His child is a lovely child and we got on very well. But I had no desire to carry on pretending to play a parental role when the relationship with my ex was so bad. It all became too much and I really really resented his ex wife ramming everything to do with their child down my throat when I had already mentally detached myself from being a stepmum.

So yeah, it was and still is very liberating not having all that on my plate anymore. I keep in contact with my ex’s child as my children are their siblings. But it’s all very laid back now with no “stepparent strings” attached.

His kids are not going away any time soon, I know the eldest is at uni but he'll always be your DH's son (as you are your DDs mum) and in the current climate going to uni doesn't mean leaving home - they come back (job market crisis, expensive housing etc, believe me it's just not the same as when we went to uni, then straight into jobs and renting our buying at a relatively young age). You need to realise this is a long term issue, true his sons may mature and become easier to live with but this may not happen for a while. If you cannot face this prospect then a splitting of the households might be the way forward (it almost sounds like you try and run 2 households in one dwelling at the moment) . It sounds drastic but essentially this is something which is affecting you negatively on a regular basis. Maybe try it for 6 months?

This all sounds utterly shit and if you can I’d find a way to buy him out and get them all out if your house!

OP,

You have posted several times about this mistake.
You bitterly regret the marriage and your poor daughter is suffering because of the pig of a man you married and his two sons who all saw you as a great opportunity to move into a lovely home.

I remember your posts very well.

Things are never going to get better.
Didn't he also imagine that his children will inherit from you?

You know you made a huge mistake.
He rushed you into marriage.
You know this but can't face up to the fact thatvit will not get better.
You have made a mistake.
Did you seek legal advice?
You were advised to.

Your husband is not a nice man.
He saw you coming.

He is still making shitty remarks if you spend YOUR money on YOUR daughter.

Nothing changing in this situation.

Except the longer you sit on your hands the more difficult it will be to end this marriage.

He brought next to nothing to it.

You are going to remain in this situation until you take control.

You had a lovely home and life with your daughter and you lowed this man to rush you into a marriage in haste and boy are you and your daughter paying for it.

He moved him and his boys in for next to nothing and now he has his home and his skivvying wife taking the load.

You might as well have MUG tattooed on your forehead.
He saw you coming.

I feel very sorry for you. You are paralysed with fear.
This won't be resolved until you make a decision to end this marriage and get him out.
First stop legal advice.

Its up to you OP.

I remember your previous post on the same subject, on that thread the males were going to do their own washing but now it appears it happened once and stopped.

Who does the washing for them now? Presumably you?
So you set a boundary, they've trampled all over it so you've changed the boundary yo suit.

If you are going to set rules/boundaries you have to follow it through otherwise nothing changes and here we are a few months down the line and you're still unhappy.

You said previously if he left you could afford all the bills on your own even though you remortgages to extend so why not start the process of living seperately.

I think your husband wants to blend families and that is difficult when kids are teenagers so it's unlikely to happen given everyones dislike of each other.

I think you have 2 choices, continue as you are and be everyones skivvy and realise they have different standards to you and vent on here regularly or speak to your husband about living separately and actually do it.

Last time there was a concern about your house if you died and who it would pass to, did you sort out the wills?
If you do nothing else for the next 2 months please see a solicitor about protecting your property and equity.

I think I said on your last thread about my friend who had to give her husband 2 properties in their divorce. They'd been married 2 years, he left her for someone else and had had no part in purchasing said properties.

No, I don't do their washing. My husband does it. My problem is him not making the kids do anything. He said things are going to change - I've heard it before though.

Wills are being sorted.

The person I feel
Sorry for in all this is your DD- time for you to make a decision about your future

Is you husband entitled to the house?
Maybe sell and get somewhere just for you and your daughter
If you're not planning on having anymore kids no point living with a man with kids that are lazy

On what grounds did she have to give two properties then? - this doesn't make sense - is this in the UK?

OP, have you left them alone before? Go ahead with your planned holiday with your DD and do not contact your DH for the duration of the holiday. Just enjoy yourself and leave them to it.

I had stepchildren before, they were lovely and I got on well with them, the problems was their mother. She was verbally abusive to me. I met my ex, years after they separated. She did not like the fact that they were together for a long time and he never asked her for marriage.

My ex was lazy, abusive and had no goals in life. The schools and our neighbours thought that I was a single mother - to his kids! I had a son, whom he did not get on with and a son together.

Your husband is the problem. He has not put any boundaries to his children. Regarding lazy teenagers, my middle son is super lazy, he came back to live with me after uni, with the promise that he was a changed person. I was so excited to have him but after just one week, he was back to his normal self. Stay up all night and sleep all day.

He never had money to go to work, I would always end up paying for his fare till he got paid and then disappears till the money ran out. I kicked him out as he left work and he was just sleeping all day.

I kept in contact with my stepchildren and they used to come and see me. I would take them out etc.

Would it help to work out a family timetable in regards to chores?

Yes I've left them alone before - I used to travel a lot for work before lockdown etc. And I totally plan to have the holiday if it's still going ahead. I need a break from them all!

FeelLiedTo. Yes, UK. She had built up a property portfolio before the marriage which then became marital assets (or whatever the phrase is).

Seems like you have ended up being the scapegoat and the dogsbody to this cock lodging family who have acquired your assets and then piss all over your family home and your boundaries.

There is no respect for you here.

Why did your DH come to the RS with no assets - was he happy to leave it all to his xW?

Did he push for marriage?

His parenting is dysfunctional and you are right you will be clearing up after his kids for years because he has not taught them to be independent.

Get them gone. Show your DD that this isn’t good enough and that once you know it YOU move on and make changes. He will never change - he was a slob before he moved in, he used you as a scapegoat for his wife and DCs and he is still exploiting you all day everyday.

I hope that you get to have a holiday with your DD and you relish each moment alone - to know this is how life should be for you both.

I am in the UK and my friend divorced after three years and when sorting out assets it was simply what they both contributed to the house they bought. Funny enough his wife fought to get 50% of the equity of the house even through she contributed less than 15% to the deposit and less to the mortgage. She was awarded 30%. So I find it very odd that ThrawnCow your friend after two years of marriage had to hand over two properties .sounds like there is more to the story there as that is highly unusual....

Interesting. I just know he pushed for it. I'm very glad to hear this is not the norm.

Every second longer you spend in this sham will cost you more money in the divorce, he’ll be entitled to more and more the longer the relationship is. What did your other threads about this not give you, that you felt the need to post another one about the exact same thing?
The only important thing in your posts is your poor daughter, made to live with people she doesn’t like for years, just to facilitate your love life. That’s awful.

11:37ThrawnCow
That is scary, you always get people on here saying that your spouse can't touch what you had before etc etc
Clearly not the case

@@GarlicMcAtackney
I can't but agree.

The OP had a lovely home that she peacefully shared with her daughter but was rushed into a marriage by a man who had his eye on a prize house of comfort, for his two sons with all comforts with the least cost to himself.

OP's poor daughter is now stuck with three lazy, selfish pricks that she doesn't like in her home.

A real horror show.

No dobt the daughter will suffer on and get out at the first reasonable opportunity.
Who can blame her?
Epic fail.

I feel very sorry for the OP.

Such poor judgement putting this randomer and his sons ahead of the lovely little family and home she had.

@spinqueen50

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

The burning question is do you want to split or work things out?

If you want to try then you need to sit down and talk ground rules and also (even though they are being little shits) talk to his sons because they are probably unhappy too.

He needs to step up with the discipline and take responsiblity. They are not your children and you don't have to put up with disruptive shit.

How often do they visit? Or do they live with you?