Has anyone split up over the stepkids

[spinqueen50]

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

I honestly think that too often the woman suffers when she takes on a man with children, as they often end up bearing the responsibility for them more so rhan their Father. Unfortunately, many women just don't seem to have the sane love for their stepkids as they do their own and are therefore not able to see past the things they perhaps could with their own children.
They sound like perfectly normal teenage boys tbh, though their Dad absolutely needs to encourage them to step up with house chores and needs to have your back more.
I think this is much easier to do in nuclear families. Blended families are so difficult, often the parent feels guilty for causing their kids upset regarding the break up with their Mother etc and ends up letting too much go. Perhaps your partner feels stuck in the middle, not wanting to pick sides between his children and you.

Thanks for the reply. I just feel sad that this whole situation could have been avoided if we'd kept our separate houses. And now I don't know what to do for the best.

I feel very similar OP. I love my husband but he doesn't pull his weight and when his kids are with us he doesn't really interact with mine at all. He and his son are quite dominating when they are together. It feels like it is my son who suffers the most and I feel terrible guilt about that.

I also own the house, but extended when they moved in so would cost me to buy him out. Also that would be a different stress for us all.

I don't know whether to hang on in for the last few years of teenagers or to leave.

Not been in this myself but I would never take on a man with kids. I wouldn't see other kids as my own and wouldnt want to put up with this nonsense. I'm sure your own dd doesnt like this situation as much too?
your dh doesnt respect you either - by allowing his kids to treat you this way. As they will be in your life forever as long as you are together- is the future really worth it with him?

You don't say how old your own DD is and whether or not she lives with you.

If she lives with you, is your DH a good steparent to her?

The things you are complaining about seem pretty inconsequential: teens leaving a mess and lazing around on their screens.

It's not really a step parent issue; I think all parents are facing the same.

I really dont know how you can get over your dislike. You don't like them and tbh even if they were perfect kids, you would probably find fault simply because they are not your own kids and you resent their existence.

You have 2 choices: break up and ask your DH to leave or try and find it within yourself to be more accepting and accommodating. I would say its probably you, not them.

Sorry to sound harsh. Kids try your patience even when they're your own, it's so much worse when they're somebody else's.

My daughter is 17 and lives with me. He's a good stepdad mostly. She doesn't get on with her step brothers, they have nothing in common. We'll never be a blended family and he just wants us to pay happy families.

The thing, what are you asking is reasonable so why he is starting a fight over it beggars belief.

I can't see the situation getting any better if the father remains a Disney dad.

It isnt that simple as you being reasonable and him not.

In a blended family once it become them and us it is very difficult to bring it back. You both end up entrenched in defending your family unit. Ie you and your daughter him and his sons.

We have a happy blended family with children each and joint. That hasnt always been the case we definitely fell into the them/us. My dh is a resident SP and his child was NR. So we had alot of conflict about what I considered normal teenage problems that he had the luxury of his ex dealing with the majority of by being the NR parent.

I dont know if you can genuinely come back from it once you actively dislike the other persons children and to be honest I dont really think you should try.

I dont understand why someone stays in a relationship with a person who dislikes their child. For me it's a level of strain and toxicity that I wouldnt want in my family.

If though it just the difficulty of getting on the same page about how your home should be run/boundaries etc then yes I think it can be saved.

Yes. No I didn't regret it.

What happened Mintjulia?

The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

Is it the DSS forgiving his DF - or the DF forgiving his DS?

What’s most important though is your resentment which has grown into contempt. It’s not about screens, bathrooms etc - it’s likely much deeper and more historic than that.

Seems that kindness, respect and compassion is lacking in this house.

If you are unable to understand and make space for the deep hurt and anger that a young child / young teenager was trying to process (and seems he finally has done) over his family breakup - then I think there is no future here.

I also feel v sorry for your DD who has to tolerate this negativity. If it isn’t working then then I would put her front and centre and make sure her last years at home are peaceful and calm and focused on her.

Nothing wrong in expecting teens to pick up after their own mess and contribute to chores - after all they live there! It should be expected to whether they're biologically related or not, too often kids/teens are spoilt then we wonder why as grownups so many men dont pull their weight in relationships regarding household tasks. Agree it shows disrespect to you. As another poster said, this is why so many men are so keen to get another woman in their lives after their marriage/relationship breaks down so that they can get a woman to take over the work they're used to their wife/partner doing. Can you sit him down during a calm moment (without the kids around) and explain calmly how much it's affecting you and that if he's not willing to ask his boys to pick up after themselves then he needs to be the one who picks up after them otherwise you're not sure how things are going to work out in terms of your relationship? Maybe an agreed cleaning/household task allocation or rota could work?

The other alternative is that the marriage could work better if you're living in separate houses and then visit each other frequently during the week. I wonder how their dad coped when it was just him and his sons living together- did they all just live in a mess or are they only creating the mess in your own house? You may also have a different standard of cleanliness from them so perhaps what you see as messy or "a state" just genuinely doesn't bother them the same way. If that's the case some sort of compromise is needed.

That's why I'll never move in with a man whilst my.kids are at home. I struggle with my teen's behaviour and I've given birth to him and he's a good kid all in all. Teenage years can be so difficult but you've been together for 7 years now and you love him so I think it would be a shame to split.

Mess and screens are just completely normal and you can't spend your life hounding them. It ends up being a very unpleasant life then. Maybe offer payment for them to clean (their dad should pay) or get a cleaner and leave them to their screens.

Otherwise maybe sell the house and downsize and you can each leave separately but be together?

Enjoy your time with your daughter.

Oh we have a cleaner, but within minutes of the kids arriving they leave a trail of mess behind them. And I definitely have different standards of cleanliness. When I used to stay at his house before we lived together it was a mess, by my standards.

My husband has forgiven his son for blaming him for the divorce and ignoring him for years. But he's never acknowledged to me that he was wrong. He watched us get married thinking that I was the other woman. There's still an element of divorce guilt from my husband (even though he didn't instigate it) and there's definitely Disney dadding going on. I ask the kids to do something, eg empty dishwasher, and he goes and does it for them. We agreed that when the eldest was back from uni he would take responsibility for washing all the men's clothes. He made him do it once (with me pushing) and then it's all gone out the window. I feel like it's a constant battle with me saying the kids should be doing more, him agreeing with me and then never following through.

My ex's kids were the reason we split up. He had 2 teenage girls my daughter was young at the time. They used to do really horrible things in front of her and act up all the time making out they are ill when they weren't getting full attention etc. His girls only lived with me for a few weeks and I told him my house was too small and he needed to move out and take them with him which he did (found a rental in the same area) It went even further down hill from there to the point where I banned them coming into my house due to the stress they were causing my own DD. Then found out his eldest (14 at the time) had been sleeping with a lad she was at school with and stealing money and my Pandora ring also went missing. He couldn't control them, I tried hard to support him but it was just too much so we eventually split up. I've never looked back, realised what a crappy relationship I had with him and how much of a crap person and father he was too. So glad we weren't married and so glad its over.

Given that university students aren't likely to be in class much this coming term, the current level of tension won't lift soon. How much equity did he put into the house when you remortgaged and extended it?

@summersolstice43 it sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Another thing that bugs me about him (not related to his kids). If I'm doing anything which doesn't involve him it's like I'm not allowed to enjoy it. Like I have the day off today and I arranged to take my daughter out for lunch. Before we argued he suggested that he and the boys come too. Like we're not allowed to do anything without them. And every time I mention this upcoming holiday (which might not even happen) I get a snarky comment. Because we're going without him.

I'm used to being independent and I feel like he's trying to take that away from me.

@ButteryPuffin only about £13k. And he's been paying half the mortgage and bills for two years since he moved in. And yes, that's what worries me regarding uni. Although SS has already paid to rent somewhere in his university town.

OP - I really did, I count my blessings every day. There is a load of other things that went on too but I'll not bore you with those.

Never every lose you independence, that is the only thing that helped me leave my ex. I wasn't about to get tied down to 2 ungrateful wayward teenagers and their useless father.

Both daughters were adults at university. Their mother had left, years before so absolutely nothing to do with me.

I can only describe it as a campaign of hate, damaging or losing my possessions, spitting in food prepared for a dinner party, blocking in my car, sabotaging holidays, screaming, throwing things, calling me a gold digger to my face, (I owned my own house and was equal in financial terms to their father).

My ex kept saying to let it pass, that they'd leave home shortly or come to terms with it, but after four years, I couldn't cope any more. I needed to get DS away from the nastiness.

So I left, bought a different house, moved me and DS in, found a new job, got on with it. Now DS sees his dad at our house. The relief was indescribable.

So while I recognise that being a step parent takes a lot of give and take, sometimes walking away is the right thing to do.

Whilst I can’t comment about having actual step kids it sounds hard OP and from having seen friends in the same position time and again the woman is shit on by their DP not stepping up and reinforcing the message that regardless of who’s saying it there are house rules that need to be respected.

It usually comes from a place of guilt from the (IME) father feeling chronic guilt about the first marriage/relationship going down the pan and trying to curry favour with the children by never challenging behaviour that impacts directly or indirectly on the “new” wife/partner.

I’d actually suggest you float the seperate houses thing to DP mainly because you’re done trying to hold it together and you need to consider your DD in this.

I’d also say it’s necessary as those boys will know you don’t like them and probably feel a bit like cuckoos in the nest which could bring even more problems in the future.

But your DH needs to listen and quit storming off. Else you’re left with no choice.

To answer your question yes in part my step kids were part of the reason their dad and I split up. But not because if the kids themselves, rather their parents being utter knobs and me getting cheesed off.

We were together for 6.5 years, and in that time both their dad and mum treated my maternity leave with dd as free childcare for them, mum was a bloody nightmare, kids neglected, constant nits even now 2 years after I left, no discipline (mum ardently believes that kids should not be told no and dad refused to rock the boat). Consequently the kids were rude, ignorant, ungrateful and at times vile brats.

Unlike you I didn't defer it to their dad and would call them on it. 4 years in things had massively improved. They were still foul to their mum but they knew better with me and i bloody loved those kids. They are still my step kids. I see my stepson every few weeks, step daughter every week for a joint hobby. They are great young people these days no thanks to either of their parents.

The problem from your posts @spinqueen50 isn't a step kids one. It is very mum a husband issue. He should have dealt with all of these issues years ago and not allowed them to fester.

Where is their mum in all of this? Perhaps time to have a conversation with her and a joint plan of action?

[quote spinqueen50]@summersolstice43 it sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Another thing that bugs me about him (not related to his kids). If I'm doing anything which doesn't involve him it's like I'm not allowed to enjoy it. Like I have the day off today and I arranged to take my daughter out for lunch. Before we argued he suggested that he and the boys come too. Like we're not allowed to do anything without them. And every time I mention this upcoming holiday (which might not even happen) I get a snarky comment. Because we're going without him.

I'm used to being independent and I feel like he's trying to take that away from me.[/quote]
Oh blimey. You need to live separately.

If your son is unhappy @parentofteens you need to end it. He hasn’t asked for this set up and only has you to fight for him.

OP, you sound frustrated and angry, they sound utterly useless and very selfish so I don’t blame you. If your husband doesn’t have sensible standards and won’t make rules or back you up on your own you’re really on a hiding to nothing.

Is he trying to piggyback your mother daughter activities because he can’t be bothered to plan his own with his sons?