Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Has anyone split up over the stepkids

140 replies

spinqueen50 · 07/08/2020 11:02

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

OP posts:

TOFO1965 · 09/08/2020 13:53

@spinqueen50

No, not the same pot at all in our house! I manage to save more than my husband does every month and that money is mine. We share the household costs but what we have spare is our own (we earn pretty much the same). My first husband was very controlling with money and it's very important to me that I have my own money.

Good woman! Clear boundaries there :)

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 14:12

Omg you were the inheritance post.

YOU SHOULD DIVORCE

I can't shout that loud enough.

Things have to change, and he knows that. We've done a lot of talking this weekend. - but that's what you said at a late point in the other thread, and yet here you are.

Your H is a controller. He's clearly dialled down a bit - presuambly after the last talk - but still the remarks about you doing stuff with your DD (no, not a joke at all, never has been, has it?) and the push push pushing of his and his sons' agenda until HE is officially and financially the head of the family and Boss Man.

You shouldn't have married him and the advice is the same - please divorce while this is still a short marriage and you don't end up stuck. Because the person you'll ultimately lose closeness with is your DD. He'll manoeuvre his sons into pole position in every possible way.

You are not happy, you weren't last time, you still aren't now. He's constantly power grabbing because you are married so now that's his instinct. He wants his name on the house and you will know the SECOND this marriage has existed long enough to be classed as 'longer term' because the gloves will be off and the controlling nature you just know is there, well hidden but popping out in all his little comments, will be apparent.

Please divorce. You are going to get stuck with him and when you do, you'll realise this is you seeing the best of him.

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2020 14:21

Also any savings you have he’ll be entitled to at least half of you are in whatever is considered a long term marriage.

Get legal advice OP. You’re looking at this man having a claim on everything you have

MsPavlichenko · 09/08/2020 14:22

He is controlling. His comments/behaviour about you doing things alone/with DD or friends are absolutely about control. Knowingly or otherwise.

Did you do the Freedom Programme. If not you should, even if online.

Also it is very possible to have a relationship without living together. It works for many.

ButteryPuffin · 09/08/2020 14:22

Ah. If that's the thread I'm thinking of (won't say in case it's too outing) then I agree with Fizzy. Who I generally think gives sound advice anyway.

billy1966 · 09/08/2020 15:28

@FizzyGreenWater

Exactly.

But the OP is so terrified of taking control of her mistake, she won't be happy until it is too late.

The OP has managed to escape an abusive relation to be pressured into marrying another non prize of a man.

OP, you won't be happy until you are so stuck and can't move.

Your conversations with him change nothing, he just wants you hanging on until its too late.

You won't be told🙄

Good luck.

Bosekct · 09/08/2020 15:49

Sounds like such a complicated set up this and one that makes you and your daughter very unhappy. You need to go back to separate houses or split up. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

Original poster

spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 16:08

You don’t have to endure that mistake. You could divorce financially and continue the RS in separate houses.

I honestly can't see the relationship surviving that. So it's all or nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 16:13

Also, if he was really after my money wouldn't he have screwed over his first wife in their divorce? He didn't.

OP posts:

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 16:16

Why? Because that would suit you? But it doesn’t suit him?

It won’t be “all or nothing” - if you continue as you are it’s likely to be “nothing and nothing” - the resentment and contempt will continue to fester, your marriage will erode - and fall apart - he may well leave when he has calculated that you have been married long enough to benefit him and husband sons - so you lose your home, financial security, happiness, sanity.

JudyGemstone · 09/08/2020 16:23

I'm in a similar position to your husband so going to offer my perspective - my partner lives with my and my teens in a house I own. 90% of the time things are good but my teens can be messy and bad at cleaning up after themselves.

Maybe it is Disney mumming but I'm not hugely house proud and believe in picking my battles, whereas my partner does more of the cooking/cleaning and gets more annoyed by it and I'm sure he thinks I'm too soft with them.

JudyGemstone · 09/08/2020 16:27

I'd prefer that the house was a bit messy than to have conflict about it, and probably do get defensive if my partner no and about them, even though it's not unreasonable of him.

Maybe there are areas where you could be a little more flexible with how clean the house has to be? The disrespect and rudeness is a bit different though, it's not ok to sulk and ignore you. I wouldn't allow my two to behave like that.

JudyGemstone · 09/08/2020 16:29

*moans about them that should say

Isthisit22 · 09/08/2020 16:30

You will regret staying with him in a few years time when he takes half of everything.

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/08/2020 16:33

@spinqueen50

Also, if he was really after my money wouldn't he have screwed over his first wife in their divorce? He didn't.

What does one have to do with the other? Besides, he came to you in a completely different set of circumstances.

Original poster

spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 16:34

He has a £500k pension pot. It's not like he has nothing. You're all ignoring that?!

OP posts:

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 09/08/2020 16:39

@spinqueen50

He has a £500k pension pot. It's not like he has nothing. You're all ignoring that?!

You can’t look at his pension like it is cash. You’d only be entitled to claim against the part that accrued during your marriage and then only half of that.

Who paid for the extension?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 16:41

He's not 'after your money'.

HE WANTS TO CONTROL YOU.

There's a difference.

He would, I imagine, be perfectly happy sharing his massive pension with you... and spending the rest of your joint retirement telling you so, how lucky you are to live off his money, where you should go, and no it isn't on holiday with your DD and her children because what about his sons eh? - and so on and so on.

YOU AREN'T HAPPY WITH HIM.

The point everyone is making is that right now, when it hasn't been long, and you could get rid of him quite easily with him having no hold on you so he'll be still on his best behaviour... you still aren't happy. So imagine what he'll be like when he KNOWS you've been married too long to be able to walk away without losing half your house.

He doesn't want your money for its own sake. It's simply the biggest way to control you. The fact that the house is in your name gives you power he doesn't want you to have. The same situation with your wills. He hates the fact that you can have any control or agency.

Original poster

spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 16:48

@MooseBeTimeForSummer so surely the same logic applies to what he can claim from me? The point I'm trying to make is that it's not like he has nothing.

Re the extension, I remortgaged and he now pays half of the mortgage. So right now, if we divorced, I think he would only be entitled to the £13k equity he put in plus half of the increase in equity since we got married. (The extension was completed 6 months before we got married).

I do see the point re the control. I can't see him pushing me spending time with his kids once they've left home, as he knows I find them very hard work. On the other side of the coin I think he struggles with the fact that I don't like his kids, and it leaves him conflicted. I feel like if I posted this to the step parent forum I'd get very different responses.

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/08/2020 16:54

[quote spinqueen50]@MooseBeTimeForSummer so surely the same logic applies to what he can claim from me? The point I'm trying to make is that it's not like he has nothing.

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/08/2020 16:58

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that the step parent forum is like a bunch of nodding dolls. Just pointing out that you've got good advice here and it's irrelevant that you think you might have got softer responses elsewhere. This is less of a step parent issue than a husband who should come with his own klaxon warning system issue.

Original poster

spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 17:00

I get your point, and I appreciate the advice.

OP posts:

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 09/08/2020 17:00

But the longer you leave it, the less chance you’d have of successfully arguing it should only be half of the equity since marriage. Leave it long enough and it will be half of all the equity, regardless of the fact that it was your house before marriage. That’s why PPs have asked if you’d got legal advice and ring fenced it.

And the value of his pension is somewhat irrelevant if he’s a long way off retiring and needs capital now to put a deposit on a property.

supersparrow · 09/08/2020 17:03

OP, any chance of any couples counselling? My situation is very similar to yours (right down to the tip in which my 3 DSC live with their mum, who babies them), and counselling has helped. It has forced DH to acknowledge that my demands (similar to yours, that my DSC clear up after themselves, that they have age-appropriate responsibility, etc) are actually entirely reasonable, and that he's not doing them any favours by 'protecting' them and doing things for them. Things are not perfect, but there are loads better, and it helps to know that we can go back to our therapist for a kind of booster session whenever things start to slide.

Thisfucker · 09/08/2020 17:06

@Sssloou

You see a sulking child - I see one in pain and in need of compassion, comfort and communication from his Dad.

Why was he unwilling to console his child?

@Sssloou Why are you asking the op. It's not up to her how their father behaves. She's not responsible for their father's behaviours

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.