Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone split up over the stepkids

140 replies

spinqueen50 · 07/08/2020 11:02

.... And did you regret it?

Have name changed for this but am a regular poster. Been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and together for nearly 7 years. Starting to feel like I made a mistake getting married. I had my own house and was financially independent, didn't need a husband for money.

All we do at the moment is argue about the kids (his, teen boys). They don't pull their weight around the house and everything is a chore. It's me who notices that they've left the bathroom in a state or whatever, so I ask him to get them to clean it up and it becomes a huge row. I'll be honest, I don't like his kids. I'll probably get slated for that. But step parenting is bloody hard. The eldest ignored me for years as he thought I was the cause of his parents divorce (I wasn't). He also ignored his dad for years, for the same reason. He's forgiven him but I can't get past it.

We had a huge row last night and he stormed out til 5am. No idea where he went. We're still not speaking. I'm finding myself wondering if I can afford the house on my own (it's my house, but I took out a remortgage to extend to accommodate his kids). I don't know what to do. I love my husband but I can't see an end to this.

Eldest is at uni but talking about doing multiple degrees so I feel like he's not going to be independent for years and years. I don't know if I can cope with that. He's always here and doesn't have any social life at all, just lies around in his room all day on screens. Youngest is the same. I feel like I have no space from any of them, and lockdown hasn't helped.

Due to go away with my daughter for a week soon and I just hope it happens - I need a break from them all.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/08/2020 08:23

The quicker you end the marriage the better. If it falls under "short" marriage, he's unlikely to get more than he put in financially.

If you struggle on for years, you'll be giving him far more and sacrificing your dd's inheritance.

You don't know how many more years his lads will live with you. It could be ages. I wouldn't hang on for the day they leave.

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 09:46

They don't live with us thankfully. Youngest is here three nights a week, and eldest is here two. He got a job near his mum's which means he's here less.

I appreciate all your comments, really I do. I want this to work and he is working on the kids after having been given a shock. My daughter doesn't 'hate' them all - some of you paint a very bleak picture. She likes her stepdad and he does a lot for her. She doesn't particularly get on with the boys as they have nothing in common.

I also spoke to him about the remarks every time we do something without him and he said it was meant to be a joke. I'm not so sure about that if I'm honest.

Anyway, thanks again.

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 09/08/2020 09:54

I would set yourself a point then where you judge whether any lasting improvements have been made and then make a decision. Next few months, say. If he's had enough of a shock to make him realise change is needed, let's see what happens.

From now on I would point stuff out at the time, like any 'we could come too' remarks or failures by the lads to do their household tasks, and see how he does with correcting that.

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 10:00

Yep - that's my plan. I honestly think that the current situation is making things worse as are all at home together ALL of the time! Not making excuses for any of them but it does magnify things. Will be glad when the kids are back at school and university. Eldest is going back to uni town and has a house share, regardless of how much f2f teaching he'll get. That's going to help.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 09/08/2020 10:33

Even though you sound like you’ve decided to stay I think you should get legal advice over property and try and ring fence it if it’s not too late. My cousin owned her house outright and had to give her ex husband a big chunk of money when he left in lieu of his share of the house.

Welshgal85 · 09/08/2020 10:37

OP have you thought about maybe you and DH having relationship counselling for this? Also places like Relate also do family and young peoples counselling which may also be useful further down the line if you and H are able to find a way forward? I know people who have done it for similar issues with having blended families and found it really helpful.

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 10:43

Who taught you to minimise and suppress your feelings? You now seem to have back tracked, minimised and JADE-ed (justified, argued, defended, explained) the situation so that you don’t have to take action. You sound v frustrated and unhappy - why is this an acceptable way for you all to live for you? Why did your last marriage end?

If you have been with this man 7 years then these issues are not new and are not getting resolved. Seems like you will continue sleepwalking through this.

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 10:53

I haven't backtracked. If things don't change then I will be taking action. But not everyone walks out of their marriage at the first sign of any trouble. And I'm not minimising any of it. Things have to change, and he knows that. We've done a lot of talking this weekend.

The reality is that I can't see a future without my husband in it. I love him. I just don't really want his kids in my life. So I was stupid for marrying him - I know that.

My last marriage ended nearly 10 years ago. He was abusive and controlling. This is nothing like that.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 09/08/2020 11:10

NannyOgg I think sometimes Society expects us to want to remarry and nave a "new" husband to replace the"old one".Often women are on here saying they want to remarry and their new DP isnt keen! Certainly women of independent means lose out as OP has here.Maybe some food for thought for people in this position .

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2020 11:26

OP even if you decide to continue with this marriage. In your shoes I would consult a solicitor and try and get your assets kept apart from this marriage.

Also find out at what point are you liable to lose most of your assets if you divorce. And at what point would you be able to walk away with most of what you had (guarantee you’ll lose a chunk of your money now regardless).

Even if you do nothing but ‘work’ at your marriage. I’d get legal advice so you’re armed with the knowledge.

Marriage isn’t meant to be hard work. Especially if only one person is doing all the grafting.

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 11:44

“If things don't change then I will be taking action.”

They haven’t. You didn’t. They likely won’t.
What specifically are your red lines, timescales, deadlines and consequences?

“But not everyone walks out of their marriage at the first sign of any trouble.”

But this isn’t. You have had trouble for 7 long years - from day 1 in this RS where you were thrown under the bus by your DH has the scapegoat. This hasn’t resolved. It has become entrenched and bitter. And it seems the people suffering the most - you, his DS and your DD - didn’t cause it.

“Things have to change, and he knows that. We've done a lot of talking this weekend.” He won’t change. He hasn’t changed. He knows what you need but is not prepared to give it to you.

“I just don't really want his kids in my life. So I was stupid for marrying him - I know that.”

This is your truth. Focus on that.

dottiedodah · 09/08/2020 11:46

I wish you well .Its good that you have talked and want to stay with him.However his kids are part of the deal ! Unless they move away permenatly there are holidays ,w/e and managing to afford their own place after Uni.It is hard to leave but 3 men who arent used to it are hardly going to want to do their own washing! Truth is you put up with/dont mind doing your own DC chores ,but with DSC completely different .Most kids return after Uni even if they dont want to as accomadation is hard to come by!

TOFO1965 · 09/08/2020 11:53

I read this and wonder if any families really do blend. My husband has 4 children aged 27, 24, 21 and 18 (I have none) and for 7 years I have made a great effort, but I’ve utterly given up now. I don’t even like them. I could list endless examples of appalling behaviour, but the latest (this week) is discovering that the 24 yo hasn’t been paying his rent (which my husband was giving him an allowance for) resulting in us having to pay 5k as husband is the guarantor. The 18 yo is continuing apace her Summer of Love by spending every day stoned, flunks school endlessly (no matter, until you tot up the 300k that her pointless education cost). Their mother not remotely interested as she cracks on with her “this is my time now” approach to life. They cost a fortune (we’re comfortable, but we’re not loaded and certainly can’t sustain this). I hope to never set eyes on any of them ever again, they’re like a great gaping maw of WANT for no return. I’d advise anyone to think, think, and think again before they married someone with children.

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 12:00

Wow, that sounds tough @TOFO1965. And even more so as you have no kids of your own. The guarantor thing worries me - my husband has just taken that on for his eldest. But we have separate finances and if he ends up having to fork out I'm having no part of it.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 09/08/2020 12:02

TOFO1965 - can you not see that these DCs are the product of shite parents - your DH being 50% responsible - what does that say about HIM, his values, his character?

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 12:03

Also, I wasn't 'thrown under a bus' by my husband. We only found out about 18 months ago that my stepson thought I was the reason his parents split up. We had no clue he was thinking this, we just thought he was being a moody teen. His mother never came out to the kids and hid her girlfriend from them until recent years. It was all a bit fucked up to say the least.

OP posts:
TOFO1965 · 09/08/2020 12:05

@spinqueen50

Wow, that sounds tough *@TOFO1965*. And even more so as you have no kids of your own. The guarantor thing worries me - my husband has just taken that on for his eldest. But we have separate finances and if he ends up having to fork out I'm having no part of it.
It is! Thank you :) You’re very wise to have separate finances, we do as well mainly, but essentially it’s all the same pot isn’t it?
Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 12:07

No, not the same pot at all in our house! I manage to save more than my husband does every month and that money is mine. We share the household costs but what we have spare is our own (we earn pretty much the same). My first husband was very controlling with money and it's very important to me that I have my own money.

OP posts:
TOFO1965 · 09/08/2020 12:09

@Sssloou

TOFO1965 - can you not see that these DCs are the product of shite parents - your DH being 50% responsible - what does that say about HIM, his values, his character?
They may well be. He is an indulgent father that overcompensates, who wants to be their buddy. Pretty typical of a lot of parents I know. Also I think that it’s a sweet notion that parents wholly influence the people the children turn into to. I’d wager most parents don’t have a clue who their children are, but ignorance is bliss.
nancybotwinbloom · 09/08/2020 12:16

My Ss lived with us for a year. Him, his dad, my DD and me. It was fucking torturous.

I gave him an ultimatum (SS) in the end, change how you behave in My house or move out. He's early twenties so not a child.

He moved out shortly after and we get on much better but sadly I can take or leave him most of the time.

He's not perfect (neither am I) but his behaviour isn't my problem nor should it be.

I met his dad when he was an adult so I've never parented him.

NettleTea · 09/08/2020 12:16

@spinqueen50

No, not the same pot at all in our house! I manage to save more than my husband does every month and that money is mine. We share the household costs but what we have spare is our own (we earn pretty much the same). My first husband was very controlling with money and it's very important to me that I have my own money.
that money isnt yours though, if you split, as will be seen as part of the marriage. As will your home, the longer you stay
category12 · 09/08/2020 12:34

Yes, it's all very well saying it's your money, but in a divorce, not so much.

Original poster
spinqueen50 · 09/08/2020 12:42

Well to counter that, he has a huge pension pot that he wouldn't be keen to split if we divorced. It's not like I'm bringing all of the assets and money. But it is unbalanced in terms of the house.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/08/2020 12:45

@category12

Yes, it's all very well saying it's your money, but in a divorce, not so much.
^^This
Sssloou · 09/08/2020 12:52

So I was stupid for marrying him - I know that.

You don’t have to endure that mistake. You could divorce financially and continue the RS in separate houses.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.