Red flags? Or being paranoid.

[Heidi5764]

I will try keep this as short as possible. After a 10 year relationship from the age of 18 and a DD who is now 5, I was single for around 5 months before I met current partner.

Weve been together just over one year, and as soon as lockdown hit and we couldnt see each other I started to view the relationship differently. Then we split briefly for a couple of weeks because I wanted space, now were back together.

So, am I being paranoid because of my last relationship or are these actual red flags??

He booked a night away last weekend friday night - saturday night, on the Friday I took my little girl to the beach where she unfortunately got stung by a jellyfish, her leg swelled up and it was quite traumatic she was screaming hysterically and I felt sick with worry being on our own. Whilst I was putting her in the car and she was hysterical I drove us to the nearest pharmacy (dont know the area too well), anyway I managed to get her leg looked at and got her some medicine. So just before this happened he said he had managed to finish work at 3:30 rather than 5 so he said lets go soon, so I managed to rearrange times with the ex and he agreed to pick DD up earlier. However, my little girl got stung so I was later, the whole time she was screaming and i was extremely stressed he kept ringing and saying when sre you ready, then he messaged me to say were going away cant your ex take her the pharmacy! Which was nearly the final straw of me telling him to stick it!

Then when I eventually told him I was ready (because I was not leaving my little one until I knew she was perfectly fine) he drove us there in a really sulky mood saying he always has bad luck etc etx. I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him.

Then I recently went on a day trip with my little girl and her dad to a theme park which I probably shouldn't have done. But since I mentioned I was going he is obsessed with my ex, hes told me because I went he now wants space.

Hes obsessed with hating my next door neigbour too as hes a guy and hes had random bbqs and asked me and my little girl if we wanted any food over the fence.

Then my little girls dad has her a lot at the moment as I am working, so he has her friday night so I can go to work on a saturday as it works well for me. And he constantly kicks off that it's not fair and ita affecting his life that he cant see me on a sat night, but it's ok when he has his kids on a sat night!! He says he hates my ex because of it and he even said he was going to send him a message via facebook and tell him he needs to be changing his days! Which would cause absolute chaos between my ex and I, and it's only recently that weve started to get along well.

Hes also 10 years older than me (40) and I'm thinking that age gap at the moment is quite big.

Sorry for the rambling post, hes currently not messaging as he wants space to figure out if he can deal with me praising another man (because I say my ex is a good dad) and whether he can deal with being second best to my ex (which is ridiculous)

Do you think these are red flags or me being overly paranoid and reading too much into every situation?

I accept that sometimes, we can't choose the age of the person we fall for, but really, it seems to me like men who go for women who are much younger than them are bad news. They want someone they can push around, someone impressionable. They like their egos stroked by saying the have a girlfriend that's 10 years younger than them. Not saying that guys your own age are angels, and there are benefits to going out with someone older, but seriously, let this guy go. You're not even years in! This stage should be lovely, not stressful like this! It's a bad sign! Don't be surprised if he develops an issue with your daughter as well.

@Wondersense yeah I totally agree that a year in should be the honeymoon period, I dread to think what would have happened if we lived together

Well done @Heidi5764, you probably need to look after yourself for a while now as you will be feeling wounded

@Dizzywizz I surprisingly feel good about the decision that I have made tonight, I feel quite liberated that I have been able to do it. I'm just worried it might hit me kn a few weeks time. So my aim now is to stay very busy

Head down to finish your PhD, OP 👍👍

Eye on the prize!

@billy1966 You've been amazing through all of this.
Thank you so much for helping me to open my eyes.

@Heidi5764
You are so brilliant, well done for sending the message.

He's definitely a control freak because he had to reply by saying he hadnt been happy for 6 months like its some kind of top trumps on unhappiness.

Each day you will feel liberated. It might feel lonely when your daughter is not there but I'm sure you've got friends to go out with or things to do on your own.

Here's to the best future for you and your daughter

Nope. He's awful. Get rid

So he's confirmed his prick stays then. Well done you. Stay strong, invest time in you and your daughter now.

Well done. You 100% did the right thing. I hope it doesn’t hit you too hard in the future. Just re read this thread if you think you miss him. He really sounded awful.

My message should've read:

He's confirmed his prick status then.

@Honeyroar thank you I've kept this thread on my phone so if I am feeling sad I can keep re-reading everybody's comments

Good job. Now stay away and don't message him.

He was only idealising you or 'love bombing' you in order to make you someone who would think he was great in order for him to retain his self image. He swings then to devaluing you. He's not stable mentally. His interest in you is to feed his own needs.

Learn to be on your own for a bit. Get some books on Codependency from your library and look at your own role in these relationships.
There is a part of you allowing these men to take your power.
You start 'caretaking' or mothering them and put your own needs aside. A lot of us saw our own mothers do this or if we had a very needy, high-maintenance or 'sick' parent.
It's not because of anything bad about you, Codependency is a learned pattern of responding and it can be unlearned. You are already starting to unlearn it by finding out about it.
Part of it is that we can get away from our own uncomfortable feelings and fears of abandonment by switching our attention to a very needy, high-maintenance man.
It's not that women 'attract' these men as such, it's that high maintenance people feel very very comfortable with a woman who seem to have no needs of her own and makes very little demands herself and makes herself available to listen and to soothe.

For every high-maintenance person, there is someone else doing the maintaining and not noticing the pattern there. It quickly turns to bullying and emotional blackmail where one partner is threatened with abandonment or the withdrawal of love.

Best of luck for you and your daughter, you are a great mother and a great person doing your best.

He sounds very jealous and controlling. That will get worse. He has kids? Why did he split with their mother.

Tell him now he can have his own space from you permanently! Not worth the grief luv xx

Agree with everyone else. He's not improving your life, is he? Everything is about him. He has no empathy. Get rid!

@whenwillthemadnessend yeah he has 2 kids (5,8) they were married 12 years and he told me she left him and quickly got together with a work colleague, who apparently he still wants to 'swing for'. But then he said his ex wife said he was emotionally abusive and they went to counselling but it couldn't continue. He told me this quite early on and alarm bells rung!

When I would visit his mum and dad all his mum went on about is how much she hates the ex wife to a point where she was obsessive over it, and how they had lots of couple friends but all the women turned their backs on them and took the ex wives side.

@sadie9 thank you very much for the message, I'm going to keep reading up on codependancy, ivd done a little online but ordering some books would help further. Your message has really helped.

I am struggling a little today, we went on holiday one year ago today (damn facebook memories!) And I remember being absolutely on top of the world, wish I could go back to feeling like that.

You will. Just take some time out for you and your dd. No men.

Have some lovely days out with family and friends.

Start a new project so help fill the hours when your not occupied too.

@whenwillthemadnessend I am ok when I'm occupied it's when im alone that I start to over think. I start to think maybe hes just been through a rough time and his personality had changed as a reflection of that then rationale me knows this is probably the real him.

Just because there's a reason for his behaviour doesn't mean you need to fix it.

@footprintsintheslow yeah very true

OP,

He is not a good man.

You can spend time rationalizing his behaviour or you can except that he is a deeply negative man who will always have drama and ugliness surrounding him.

Could you be a little addicted to drama?
Do you find it buzzy?

Because people with good boundaries and an eye on a happy future, recognise that endless drama is not a good thing.

It's exhausting and takes huge energy.

It certainly takes energy away from building a successful career and parenting well.

Children do NOT benefit from being reared around angst and drama.

It can make them anxious and insecure.

Just something to think about.....however you really should be focusing on finishing your PhD!!!......(spoken in nagging motherly tone🤣)

Please do not get Ito a longer term settled relationship with this person.
It is likely that he will become more controlling and your life will be awful.
Think of the thePolice and Social worker visits resulting from possibly your own calls but other anonymous ones.
You do not want to expose your child to any possibility of this happening. It is very difficult to escape once it is entrenched
Lots of professional experience speaking here