Red flags? Or being paranoid.

[Heidi5764]

I will try keep this as short as possible. After a 10 year relationship from the age of 18 and a DD who is now 5, I was single for around 5 months before I met current partner.

Weve been together just over one year, and as soon as lockdown hit and we couldnt see each other I started to view the relationship differently. Then we split briefly for a couple of weeks because I wanted space, now were back together.

So, am I being paranoid because of my last relationship or are these actual red flags??

He booked a night away last weekend friday night - saturday night, on the Friday I took my little girl to the beach where she unfortunately got stung by a jellyfish, her leg swelled up and it was quite traumatic she was screaming hysterically and I felt sick with worry being on our own. Whilst I was putting her in the car and she was hysterical I drove us to the nearest pharmacy (dont know the area too well), anyway I managed to get her leg looked at and got her some medicine. So just before this happened he said he had managed to finish work at 3:30 rather than 5 so he said lets go soon, so I managed to rearrange times with the ex and he agreed to pick DD up earlier. However, my little girl got stung so I was later, the whole time she was screaming and i was extremely stressed he kept ringing and saying when sre you ready, then he messaged me to say were going away cant your ex take her the pharmacy! Which was nearly the final straw of me telling him to stick it!

Then when I eventually told him I was ready (because I was not leaving my little one until I knew she was perfectly fine) he drove us there in a really sulky mood saying he always has bad luck etc etx. I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him.

Then I recently went on a day trip with my little girl and her dad to a theme park which I probably shouldn't have done. But since I mentioned I was going he is obsessed with my ex, hes told me because I went he now wants space.

Hes obsessed with hating my next door neigbour too as hes a guy and hes had random bbqs and asked me and my little girl if we wanted any food over the fence.

Then my little girls dad has her a lot at the moment as I am working, so he has her friday night so I can go to work on a saturday as it works well for me. And he constantly kicks off that it's not fair and ita affecting his life that he cant see me on a sat night, but it's ok when he has his kids on a sat night!! He says he hates my ex because of it and he even said he was going to send him a message via facebook and tell him he needs to be changing his days! Which would cause absolute chaos between my ex and I, and it's only recently that weve started to get along well.

Hes also 10 years older than me (40) and I'm thinking that age gap at the moment is quite big.

Sorry for the rambling post, hes currently not messaging as he wants space to figure out if he can deal with me praising another man (because I say my ex is a good dad) and whether he can deal with being second best to my ex (which is ridiculous)

Do you think these are red flags or me being overly paranoid and reading too much into every situation?

Regardless of how much fun he is, he actually thinks your ex should change his.working pattern to suit HIM? hes utterly bonkers

You may miss the social life but I bet you wont miss the sulking every time he is inconvenienced

Run. Run. Run. Any man who thinks they would come before my sick child, or my child at any other time for that matter could fuck right off. You can do so much better. If he's like this now, god knows what he'd be like in the future.

He honestly sounds like a complete moron - more like 14 than 40.

He’s jealous, possessive and totally self-centred.. That doesn’t really make up for being a bit of a laugh when he’s had a few drinks on a night out

Wow a PhD, that's an impressive amount of work and dedication and you will need a supportive partner (or no partner) to get through it. Dont compromise your dreams by giving your headspace to someone who doesn't deserve it.

You can have a great social life with your friends and family or join a hobby group and meet new people.

Do not jeopardise yours or your daughters happiness for this guy. He has no right to message you about your DD's Dad. DD's Dad is going to be in your life for a long time and he should be applauding you that you are getting along.

The NDN thing is only going to get worse and worse and you know it. Seriously what more does he have to do for you to take this seriously?

As for his Mum she can fuck off and all she should have been asking after your daughter.

I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him

Why didn't you?

@Tiredmum100

Run. Run. Run. Any man who thinks they would come before my sick child, or my child at any other time for that matter could fuck right off. You can do so much better. If he's like this now, god knows what he'd be like in the future.

This. If he kicked off because I was with my child during an emergency I'd tell him to get fucked. Your PhD is enormous head work, don't let him take up that energy. It's actually great that you're able to recognise your ex is a good dad, you'd think as a dad himself he'd have respect for that.

He's a fuck buddy, not a life partner.

Controlling, jealous, possessive, lacking in empathy, sulky....the list goes on! It will only get worse and other than a few good nights out I can't see how else he enhances your life and makes it more positive.

Run for your life my friend. Massive red flags there, trust your gut. It's absolutely essential for your daughter that you don't let someone come between her mum and dad and cause unnecessary aggro. He's jealous and insecure, these are not attractive personality traits, and only ever lead to dead ends.

Dump him. How could a grown man be sulking because your dd was stung by jellyfish and made you late? Utter prick.

Yes, red flags.

Possessive / self-absorbed / insecure or jealous / unlikely to get better but could potentially get a whole heap worse!

Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags Red Flags

It doesn't sound like he cared that your daughter was hurt. Or cared whether she was recovered enough to leave. The sting must have been a nasty shock for her, of course she wanted her mum for a bit. He should have understood that,

If he can't understand your child's needs then he needs to go. I agree with you on the theme park playing happy families with your ex shouldn't of happened. But the jellyfish incident proves where his priorities lie and they are squarely with him. If he can't see how out of order he was then him him. Remember it's your daughters life too not just yours.

*bin him

Sorry the moment he expected you to put him and going away with him above your child that would have been the end for me. He expects the world to revolve around him. He is jealous and controlling. He doesn’t want you talking to any man whether that’s your ex or your neighbour.

Honestly walk away whilst you can. This relationship doesn’t make you happy and screams red flags. You aren’t paranoid.

I would personally message him and say “I’ve been having a think about our relationship and I don’t feel we are well suited so I won’t be seeing you again. Take care”.

Agree with all. Bin him.

Massive red flags 🚩
Run, run for the hills 🏃‍♀️ It’s only going to get worse x

Sounds horrible. I’d end it!

Thank you I keep re-reading all of your messages, and I'm going to keep re-reading them. I agree with everyone about being self-centred, when I see him for the first half an hour or so I cant get a word in edge ways because it's all me, me, me. I know the ins and outs of his job and his training etc.. If I talk about my work as in my PhD he goes off the subject or puts his head in his phone, he doesnt even know what I'm doing! And alongside my little girl it is a huge part of my life.

And i agree that hes very very insecure. I did feel a little guilty that I went a theme park with my ex and DD a couple of days ago and thats the reason he isnt speaking to me. He said I should hate my ex because he hates his and another thing I found alarming, his ex wife has been in a relationship for 3 years and he said that if this guy come out of his old house the other day he was going to swing for him even in front of his 2 young children because hes that wound up that this guy is sitting in his old kitchen/on his old sofa.

Just a shame that this person who I thought was a good partner has turned out to be someone I really dont like. I blamed lockdown,, him moving out of his parents house where he has been for 3 years into his own house, new job for his mood swings, but I think I've just started to see the real him.

Your friend had it right - he wants fun and good times out and is not at all tolerant of your other commitments which are pretty important! Your child and your career!! If he wanted the best for you he’d be doing all he could to be supportive of you with these big deadlines coming and also the incident with your daughter - your her mum of
course you needed to know she was ok. A decent man, or decent anyone would have not only understood but wanted to be there for you when going through that.

And just because he wants you and your daughter along when he has his kids - doesn’t mean he doesn’t resent her. It’s much more fun and easier to ‘co-parent’ as two adults with kids than it is to do days out by yourself and kids for many people. What sort of activities do you do on these joint days with the kids?

He's AWFUL!!!

I find it very hard to understand why you are hesitating to end this shit relationship. He's horrible and he will only get worse.

If you're making a lot of excuses for someone, you really need to stop and think about why.

I have been using lots of excuses for him- his best friend died in Jan, then he switched jobs, moved into a new house on his own a month ago.

Even though I get along with my ex now he was very emotionally abusive, controlling and possessive. It must be me!! Why do I attract these kind of guys