Red flags? Or being paranoid.

[Heidi5764]

I will try keep this as short as possible. After a 10 year relationship from the age of 18 and a DD who is now 5, I was single for around 5 months before I met current partner.

Weve been together just over one year, and as soon as lockdown hit and we couldnt see each other I started to view the relationship differently. Then we split briefly for a couple of weeks because I wanted space, now were back together.

So, am I being paranoid because of my last relationship or are these actual red flags??

He booked a night away last weekend friday night - saturday night, on the Friday I took my little girl to the beach where she unfortunately got stung by a jellyfish, her leg swelled up and it was quite traumatic she was screaming hysterically and I felt sick with worry being on our own. Whilst I was putting her in the car and she was hysterical I drove us to the nearest pharmacy (dont know the area too well), anyway I managed to get her leg looked at and got her some medicine. So just before this happened he said he had managed to finish work at 3:30 rather than 5 so he said lets go soon, so I managed to rearrange times with the ex and he agreed to pick DD up earlier. However, my little girl got stung so I was later, the whole time she was screaming and i was extremely stressed he kept ringing and saying when sre you ready, then he messaged me to say were going away cant your ex take her the pharmacy! Which was nearly the final straw of me telling him to stick it!

Then when I eventually told him I was ready (because I was not leaving my little one until I knew she was perfectly fine) he drove us there in a really sulky mood saying he always has bad luck etc etx. I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him.

Then I recently went on a day trip with my little girl and her dad to a theme park which I probably shouldn't have done. But since I mentioned I was going he is obsessed with my ex, hes told me because I went he now wants space.

Hes obsessed with hating my next door neigbour too as hes a guy and hes had random bbqs and asked me and my little girl if we wanted any food over the fence.

Then my little girls dad has her a lot at the moment as I am working, so he has her friday night so I can go to work on a saturday as it works well for me. And he constantly kicks off that it's not fair and ita affecting his life that he cant see me on a sat night, but it's ok when he has his kids on a sat night!! He says he hates my ex because of it and he even said he was going to send him a message via facebook and tell him he needs to be changing his days! Which would cause absolute chaos between my ex and I, and it's only recently that weve started to get along well.

Hes also 10 years older than me (40) and I'm thinking that age gap at the moment is quite big.

Sorry for the rambling post, hes currently not messaging as he wants space to figure out if he can deal with me praising another man (because I say my ex is a good dad) and whether he can deal with being second best to my ex (which is ridiculous)

Do you think these are red flags or me being overly paranoid and reading too much into every situation?

Heidi, this self-absorbed, manipulative, controlling man will destabilize and diminish your and DD’s lives. I would end this abusive relationship asap.

Maybe your shark cage is faulty. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You need to learn not to let things slide, and instead assert boundaries. Like when he treated you like shit over the jellyfish sting, yet you still went away with him. You should have refused to go. You need to start recognising those time to choose moments, and pick the right way.

It must be me!! Why do I attract these kind of guys.

You don't attract them, but you continue to stay with them even when you know there are problems and you have a million red flags waving in your face. Just like you're doing now. Sadly, your daughter will likely repeat the same mistake when she's older because abusive relationships and abusive men will be the norm for her. Don't condemn her to this fate. You don't even live with him. Getting rid will be easy.

Red flags. I couldn't be arsed with all that. Do yourself a favour.

Look up narcissistic abuse and codepency on YouTube (Little Shamen and Lisa Romano are good ones). I went from one abusive twat to another and wondered like you why I kept attracting them. I would advise strongly that you step away from dating for a while to try and get to the bottom of why you struggle to trust yourself when you know something is terribly wrong. These are not red flags, you are already being sucked into another abusive relationship.

Make no mistake, this man is extremely controlling and the person you met in the beginning was just a front. He is showing you who he really is, believe him! If not for yourself, then to spare your DD from witnessing another toxic man destroy her mother.

@MoJoBangles I will have a look at these on youtube, did you get to the bottom of why you were attracting these men?

Yes, I've realised alot of things that made me vulnerable to abusive relationships and I'm working hard to change.

Here's my list (maybe you can identify with some of it)

1. I have unresolved trauma from my childhood and struggle to recognise when I'm being abused and to trust my gut instinct (if you are gaslit as a child then this is common). Also a difficult relationship with my DF.

1. I have a deep inner fear of not being good enough, low self esteem etc. This has made me a people pleaser and a codependent which led to validation seeking behavior from men. I would be so concerned about making the guy like me, I wasn't paying attention to whether he was actually a nice person or not. Abusers are predators and can sense low self esteem.

1. I'm a highly empathetic person, easily sucked in by stories of victimisation or people down on their luck. I take people at face value and give them the benefit of the doubt. I've since learned that this is very dangerous. People should earn your trust and not everyone is what they seem.

1. I was completely naive to the tactics used by abusers and I fell for every trick in the book. I have since educated myself and read everything I can in the topic. I would recommend Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that and also the Freedom programme but I feel listening to other survivor's on youtube has really helped me the most with this.

Here's a good video on the topic

@category12

Thank you for the shark cage article i found it very interesting and helpful. Looks like there's some other good articles on that site too. Bookmarked

Oh, and him refusing to speak to you is an emotional abuse tactic called stonewalling. This guy is using every trick in the abusers book on you.

I really hope you get rid of him OP. You deserve so much better

Thank you @MoJoBangles That podcast was really eye opening, I am going to continue listening to more of them.

I can identify with a lot of the points that you have made, particularly the inner deep fears that I am not good enough, low self-esteem etc.

I'm glad you've been able to recognise these for yourself. I am going to work on some self-development of myself.

I have noticed that I have placed a lot of my happiness and self-worth on the relationship, I convince myself that he has been the reason for my happiness and outgoing and optimistic attitude in life. But then I have to remind myself hes only been around for a year.

OP,

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work who will bring nothing but drama, violence and strife to yours and your childs life.

Why would you do that?

Focus on your PhD.

Block him back.

Mind your child.

Work on yourself.

You have a great future ahead of you.

Don't let some twat of a man mess it up for you.

Thank you @billy1966 I've had a gut feeling for a while now that he's going to bring drama to my life. When gut instincts are this strong and all of the advice for MN's can see it all, it does confirm that I'm not being paranoid. I agree to everything you have mentioned and I cant let some man mess it up for me I've been working so hard since my little girl was a newborn.

He's fine so long as you behave exactly as he wants. When you "behave badly", like putting your injured child ahead of his needs, he will punish you. He has no empathy for a hurt little girl who needs her mum. What a disgusting human.
Get rid.

His heart is so full of hate. Why would you want to be around that much hate?

@OldWomanSaysThis I've only just noticed how much he hates others and situations.

I moved to a lovely new build area which is through social housing, and all he ever goes on about is how much he hates all my neighbours who claim benefits when he has to work full time. And he wants to know why hes not entitled to anything in life.

Such negativity.

Toxic.

OP, I would suggest you write out how hard you have worked to get where you are now...trying to finish a Phd with a young child.

Think about it.
All the juggling.
The tiredness.
The effort.
And your reasons for pushing through the hard times...

Your dreams for your future once you have achieved this...

Keep reading this over and over...whenever you feel yourself weakening.

Where does this man, full of ugliness and sounding like a member of the absolute dregs of society fit into the future you have imagined and worked so hard to build??

OP, he has NO place in the future you have worked for.

He will drag you into the gutter of his life and surround you with nothing but grief and regret.

Move forward. Don't allow your future to be derailed by him.

Well done op in deciding to let him go. I think the freedom programme would benefit you. You can do it online. Have a google x

There aren't red flags around. He is a red flag.

Bail.

The moment a man wants to be prioritised over your child you need to fling the MF into the sea.

This guy is going to drag you down and suck the happiness out of your life if he’s following you around grumbling about everyone you come into contact with.

Hi OP, he sounds a bit like the guy I dumped a couple of months ago. I was only with him for 7 months and I thought he was amazing. Also very good fun and we enjoyed a fab social life. Once Covid hit, things went downhill.
My ex did something shit (long story) but this guy just became so unreasonable. Demanding my ex's number so he could 'sort it out' and was just totally over the top. I refused to give it and he eventually calmed down but his behaviour worried me.
Then I started to notice how huffy he was too and hung up on me a couple of times, and stormed off once.
He also used to talk about his job NON STOP but I honestly reckon he had no clue what I did for a living.
The red flags got too much and I ended it. He then got a bit nasty so his true colours came out.
This guy sounds similar. Self obsessed and selfish. Get rid.

@billy1966 thank you your post is really powerful, I think I do need to start journaling to get everything down on paper and when I am feeling a bit weak I can read that to remind myself it's not worth going back.

Run for the hills! Even more so if you are doing a PhD - that is such a lot of hard work, you do not need this sort of thing in your life while trying to do a PhD.

I'm sure you've posted before about this guy with another incident thst had happened.

You were planning to leave then, why did you stay?

On that thread and this one everyone is talking about red flags but you are still in the same relationship.

I know it can be difficult to leave but currently while he is stonewalling you (which i think he did before as well), you can make the decision to end it, take control and dont let this man drag you down anymore

@SortingItOut yes I did write another post in May time, I asked him for a break had 3 weeks on my own and then he ended things and I was kind of heartbroken! Silly I know! So I went back absolutely loved the first two months, third month in and I'm not loving it again! I think I need to take this opportunity while hes 'having space' to tell him I dotn want to continue in this relationship. He asked me for a phone call but I cant be bothered.