Red flags? Or being paranoid.

[Heidi5764]

I will try keep this as short as possible. After a 10 year relationship from the age of 18 and a DD who is now 5, I was single for around 5 months before I met current partner.

Weve been together just over one year, and as soon as lockdown hit and we couldnt see each other I started to view the relationship differently. Then we split briefly for a couple of weeks because I wanted space, now were back together.

So, am I being paranoid because of my last relationship or are these actual red flags??

He booked a night away last weekend friday night - saturday night, on the Friday I took my little girl to the beach where she unfortunately got stung by a jellyfish, her leg swelled up and it was quite traumatic she was screaming hysterically and I felt sick with worry being on our own. Whilst I was putting her in the car and she was hysterical I drove us to the nearest pharmacy (dont know the area too well), anyway I managed to get her leg looked at and got her some medicine. So just before this happened he said he had managed to finish work at 3:30 rather than 5 so he said lets go soon, so I managed to rearrange times with the ex and he agreed to pick DD up earlier. However, my little girl got stung so I was later, the whole time she was screaming and i was extremely stressed he kept ringing and saying when sre you ready, then he messaged me to say were going away cant your ex take her the pharmacy! Which was nearly the final straw of me telling him to stick it!

Then when I eventually told him I was ready (because I was not leaving my little one until I knew she was perfectly fine) he drove us there in a really sulky mood saying he always has bad luck etc etx. I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him.

Then I recently went on a day trip with my little girl and her dad to a theme park which I probably shouldn't have done. But since I mentioned I was going he is obsessed with my ex, hes told me because I went he now wants space.

Hes obsessed with hating my next door neigbour too as hes a guy and hes had random bbqs and asked me and my little girl if we wanted any food over the fence.

Then my little girls dad has her a lot at the moment as I am working, so he has her friday night so I can go to work on a saturday as it works well for me. And he constantly kicks off that it's not fair and ita affecting his life that he cant see me on a sat night, but it's ok when he has his kids on a sat night!! He says he hates my ex because of it and he even said he was going to send him a message via facebook and tell him he needs to be changing his days! Which would cause absolute chaos between my ex and I, and it's only recently that weve started to get along well.

Hes also 10 years older than me (40) and I'm thinking that age gap at the moment is quite big.

Sorry for the rambling post, hes currently not messaging as he wants space to figure out if he can deal with me praising another man (because I say my ex is a good dad) and whether he can deal with being second best to my ex (which is ridiculous)

Do you think these are red flags or me being overly paranoid and reading too much into every situation?

Well then focus on how cross you will be.

You are a clever woman.

You know he's a twat.

He is treating you appallingly.

He actually sounds really dim too.

Threatening to go off with someone, expecting you to get back in line.🙄

I can forget a lot, but being thick is sooooooo unattractive.

Focus on feeling good about yourself in the future.

Also this bullshit is adistraction.

You should be working on finishing your Phd, not mooning over this twat and his nasty personality.

@footprintsintheslow If I'm being really honest with myself, I'm scared of starting from scratch again on my own, I love spending time on my own but I rarely get that alone time but I dont know what its going to be like as a permanent thing.

For the first year he was lovely and I found the relationship too good to be true and I'm scared of falling in that trap again with someone else.

I don't feel like I've got the energy to start all over again. I know this sounds silly but I hate the thought of him with someone else, he said he adored me and all of my friends and family said he was like a love sick puppy around me and said he worshipped the ground I walk on (starting to doubt that part now)

All of my family and friends said theyve never seen me so happy. So I'm really scared to make that move.

I promise you OP, you struggling to end things has more to do with whats going on emotionally with you rather than any genuine feelings of love you have towards this person. Have you read up on codependancy?

Every day you continue to engage with this horrible man, you continue to sell yourself out and delay your healing journey.

This man has presented a facade of who he is, you really don't know the "real" him but he is showing you glimpses with every manipulative tactic he continues to use on you.

Dump him, rip the plaster off and then deal with the emotions after. You know intellectually that this guy is a toxic wanker and he will destroy your future if you stay.

P.S guys like this are hard to get rid of, they will hoover you relentlessly (or flat out harrass and stalk you) so you have to be prepared. Read up on the abuse cycle, knowledge is power.

Please don't waste the best years of your life trying to make things work with dickheads. I did and I regret it deeply.

If he really loved and adored you, would he threaten to go on the pull? No. He's controlling and a manupulator and game player. I guarantee if you told him to fck off he would be all over you trying to get you back.

Bloodyhell OP find some dignity. He's got you dangling desperate for some 'fun times'.

It's embarrassing. What are you teaching your daughter about relationships?

You should always love yourself more than any man, you need to find some self esteem.

He’s threatening to go out on the pull. 🙄 What a loser.

@MoJoBangles I think your right that it has something to do with me emotionally thats why I'm struggling to end it, I actually didn't see it in that way.

He is so up and down, he messaged me last night saying hes deeply sorry (lies) and that he said things in a moody way not meaning it and he didnt realise how hurtful that would be for him, I'm the girl of his dreams etc etc and because I djdnr bite to any of that hes sent me another nasty message this morning because I liked a photo of a Male celebrity hes telling me I need to get on it with him and I'm a perv etc etc. He is such a head fuck! Hes just moved from about 20miles away to just round the corner from me so I'm trying to keep things nice bexhawe now he lives in my town its inevitable that I am goign to bump into him a few times.

I just dont get how someone could put me on this high pedestal, I do genuinely think he was madly in love with me to a complete and utter wander as soon as the relationship hit the one year mark!!

Please end this relationship now. He is not even treating you like a decent human being! You're a mother and a highly intelligent woman. Put all your energy and love into your daughter, your family and your PhD.. Once you've achieved your own personal success academically, you will look back and wonder why you wasted all this time with a total loser and bully. Happiness comes from within. The most love we ever get is from our children, enjoy your own life without a man who is the main reason for causing you stress and difficulty. You're worth so much!

This man will ruin your life, and possibly your relationship with your daughter, if you let him.

You and your child are worth so much more than this.

If I've understood, you have only lived independently for a few months of your adult life. I wonder if this man was a substitute for your ex, a rebound relationship?

Going it alone can be daunting at first, but after a while you may find that being single actually makes you less willing to accept shitty behaviour from future partners.

Block him.

Concentrate on your PhD and your daughter.

Worry about relationships much further down the line

No red flags
This man IS a red flag

Wake up op.
Quickly

Oh goodness, I think I remember a previous thread of yours where you said he was thinking of moving to your home town.

This guy is going to ruin your life if you let him. It is down to you. No amount of fun nights out can compensate for what he will do to you and your daughter if you're in a relationship with him. Cut him off OP. He's seriously bad news.

If you don’t have the energy to start again, do you have the energy to put up with this for the rest of your life?

Im sorry to break it to you but he is not "madly in love" with you. THIS IS NOT LOVE. He puts you on a pedestal because he was love bombing you. The purpose of this is to control you. Idealise, devalue, discard (please watch this )

Men like this cannot love anyone, they are too busy putting themselves first and controlling you to satiate their own need for power.

He will say anything to get you back as he's not quite done with you yet. The only way to escape is to go no contact. I know its hard when they are promising the world but it is all just words. He is manipulating you into taking him back.

5 months was not long enough to heal from your first abusive relationship. I really hope you end things with this idiot and rake some time to heal yourself. You are worth it.

He's just so awful OP.

You'll love the sense of freedom and head peace once you've finished with him.

Don't worry about meeting someone knew just yet but when you do you'll be stronger and if you decide they aren't for you, you just finish it. You aren't stuck with anyone.

@footprintsintheslow I know I think I just need to be on my own. I thought after the last relationship that I was ready after 5 months to start dating again! I thought I was going to not put up with any bullshit and in the beginning all our dates were kind of on my terms with days and times and it was all fine, but things have very quickly changed.

@Aussiebean I think you've hit the nail on the head with needed the energy to put up with him my whole life, a lot of the previous posters have said hes going to suck the life out of me. Another poster did say to leave whilst I've still got my dignity.

I cant believe how ridiculous I'm being over this, I was in a 10 year relationship which was extremely toxic and controlling (luckily we get along now to co-parent), I know myself what spiral path these people take you down. I really think I need to do some self development on myself, educate myself on why my self esteem is so low and why I put so much happiness on a guy! Who I now know doesnt deserve it. I've been worried about what others think - a lot of my friends think he looks like a lovely guy and have never seen me so happy, I think that what I've been clinging onto.

OP, get yourself away from this horrible, horrible man. Then get some therapy!

From what you've said, you've no self respect or self esteem, and these are what you need to work on, not thinking about finding someone else because you're lonely!

@Heidi5764
I would say that most people who leave long term abusive relationships need a good 18 mths - 2 years to work on their issues.

Its really hard to start a new relationship after being abused, you cant let your guard down too much and you have all these grand plans to be more aware of red flags but in reality you accept the shit treatment that you vowed never to accept again and the cycle continues.

You are worth so much more, please practice some self love and work on yourself.
No one needs a man, if you want one they should enhance your life.

Of course your friends think he is a lovely guy as they are only seeing you when things are good like on nights out etc
They are not seeing you on the days and nights when he is being an arse to you.

What would they have honestly thought about the late night messaging over him going on the pull?
I doubt they would say he is a lovely guy or that you're happy.

If they didnt know about your long term relationship and the abuse they probably would of said how happy you were.
Women in abusive relationships are good at putting on a front.

Think of your little girl if nothing else works. He doesn’t deserve to be around her. So what’s the point in continuing?

I would start with telling your family and friends some of the real truths about him. They seem to be under the illusion he's a god send. Let's break this facade up and let them see the real him. Let's see what their advice is then.

Do you think these are red flags

Definitely without doubt no question

Get rid

I've finally plucked up the courage and sent him a message saying hes not the same person that I met and let go our separate ways, feel sick waiting for the reply

Well done.

Thank you @billy1966 he said hes so glad I done that because hes been so unhappy for 6 months and then blocked me on all social media.