Red flags? Or being paranoid.

[Heidi5764]

I will try keep this as short as possible. After a 10 year relationship from the age of 18 and a DD who is now 5, I was single for around 5 months before I met current partner.

Weve been together just over one year, and as soon as lockdown hit and we couldnt see each other I started to view the relationship differently. Then we split briefly for a couple of weeks because I wanted space, now were back together.

So, am I being paranoid because of my last relationship or are these actual red flags??

He booked a night away last weekend friday night - saturday night, on the Friday I took my little girl to the beach where she unfortunately got stung by a jellyfish, her leg swelled up and it was quite traumatic she was screaming hysterically and I felt sick with worry being on our own. Whilst I was putting her in the car and she was hysterical I drove us to the nearest pharmacy (dont know the area too well), anyway I managed to get her leg looked at and got her some medicine. So just before this happened he said he had managed to finish work at 3:30 rather than 5 so he said lets go soon, so I managed to rearrange times with the ex and he agreed to pick DD up earlier. However, my little girl got stung so I was later, the whole time she was screaming and i was extremely stressed he kept ringing and saying when sre you ready, then he messaged me to say were going away cant your ex take her the pharmacy! Which was nearly the final straw of me telling him to stick it!

Then when I eventually told him I was ready (because I was not leaving my little one until I knew she was perfectly fine) he drove us there in a really sulky mood saying he always has bad luck etc etx. I wanted to tell him to turn the car round I really didnt want to go away with him.

Then I recently went on a day trip with my little girl and her dad to a theme park which I probably shouldn't have done. But since I mentioned I was going he is obsessed with my ex, hes told me because I went he now wants space.

Hes obsessed with hating my next door neigbour too as hes a guy and hes had random bbqs and asked me and my little girl if we wanted any food over the fence.

Then my little girls dad has her a lot at the moment as I am working, so he has her friday night so I can go to work on a saturday as it works well for me. And he constantly kicks off that it's not fair and ita affecting his life that he cant see me on a sat night, but it's ok when he has his kids on a sat night!! He says he hates my ex because of it and he even said he was going to send him a message via facebook and tell him he needs to be changing his days! Which would cause absolute chaos between my ex and I, and it's only recently that weve started to get along well.

Hes also 10 years older than me (40) and I'm thinking that age gap at the moment is quite big.

Sorry for the rambling post, hes currently not messaging as he wants space to figure out if he can deal with me praising another man (because I say my ex is a good dad) and whether he can deal with being second best to my ex (which is ridiculous)

Do you think these are red flags or me being overly paranoid and reading too much into every situation?

That's the attitude OP, go for it now and move on.

Sounds like he has been going through a tough time but none of that excuses his horrible behaviour. He clearly thinks your world should revolve around him and he's prepared to get very nasty if it doesn't. No good at all. And he's behaving like this a year into your relationship when there is nothing beyond feelings and physical attraction binding you together - you don't share a home or DCs. Imagine how he might behave once his feet are really under the table and it's harder for you to walk away.

Anyway, it sounds like you've got rid of him. That's great - keep him gone.

Btw, you refer to there being a strong chemistry (or similar) between you. You might find "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood sheds some interesting light on the chemical intensity that comes with a relationship with an abuser, how it is addictive and can make healthy, respectful love seem boring at first and how to overcome that.

@Dery thank you I will have a look at that recommendation. I havent got rid of him yet that's going to be the hard part, I dont know how he will react. Although last time he said it was over and the next day one of my friends seen him on a dating website!! The day after! So maybe he will just move onto the next one!

Yeah plenty of red flags. Trust your instinct you know this isn't right so don't doubt yourself.

Definitely get rid. Doesn't matter what he thinks about it. It was over the moment he showed no understanding whatsoever of the situation with your DD and the jelly fish sting.

@fwwaftp

Definitely get rid. Doesn't matter what he thinks about it. It was over the moment he showed no understanding whatsoever of the situation with your DD and the jelly fish sting.

This ⬆️

And every day you spend with the wrong person is a day later to finding the right one. His reaction to the jellyfish thing tells you everything you need to know.

I felt like I knew this guy when reading your post, but I think its just because a lot of abusers act in exactly the same ways. I can relate to your experiences so much and I can only suggest you tread very carefully when trying to end things. I think I would even make a Claires Law application if I were you, it would have saved me a whole load of pain plus a years harassment and common assault case. And that was just from trying to leave..

These aren’t red flags, these are huge flashing neon beacons but you may just have caught it in time by the sounds of things so please don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’d seriously consider making a DVDS application. Or at the very least google the “Grey Rock” method of dealing with a narcissist and sociopath.

@ItsAllAFugazi I have been there before with my past relationship which lasted 10 years so I think I've been super alert the whole time. At first I thought it was because I was a little wounded from the last relationship that I felt paranoid about being constantly on the lookout for these red flags. But this is defintley not all in my head and I have been able to see things a little more clearer and with a more logical mindset thanks to all the lovely MN's.

Tbh really concerning you couldn't see the massive red flags this guy is exhibiting and instead keep questioning yourself. Freedom programme will help. Men like this target women who let bad behaviour slide so you need to up your boundaries. Put yourself in his shoes and think would you behave in such away if you were in his position e.g. child stung by jellyfish, screaming in pain, sad yet go off in a sullen strop. Acting controlling if they interact with the other sex. Understandable to feel lonely but please keep putting your daughter first - you seem easily swayed by men and your daughter will be unconsciously picking up on what to expect from relationships herself based on your own behaviours/relationships.

@Heidi5764
You were heartbroken because it was on his terms and you mainly remember the good parts of your relationship so ot probably felt like you'll never have such a good social life again.

Its only taken 2 months for him to revert back to how it was before, what you are seeing now is the real him. He sounds very paranoid, does he have a mental health diagnosis or does he smoke weed?

Why shouldnt you be friends with your ex? Why cant your neighbour offer you food?

He is so controlling and you dont even live together.

You are starting a course in September and have amazing plans for the future for you and your daughter, you dont need him in your life.

We should only have people in our lives who enhance it, he only enhances your life when you're compliant in his control or drinking with him.

What you describe are red flags. You deserve better.

What @MsDogLady says!
Get rid.

I feel silly that I'm still commenting here still! but I'm finding it really hard to end things :( he asked for space and then all of a sudden wanted a conversation with me I wasent up to it. Then he went on a night out last night and he said j need to know if were still together now because if not I'm going on the pull tonight. That makes me really hate him and makes me hate myself more by staying up till half 1 in the morning messaging while hes threatening to go on the pull :( why have I not told him to fuck off! Feel really weak at the moment :(

@Heidi5764
What kind of man who is having girlfriend problems says to his girlfriend that he needs to know whether you're together or not so he csn go on the pull??

A controlling twattish one does.
No nice man who wanted to save his relationship would even think like that.

He knew by mentioning a potential other woman that it would pull at your heart strings and you would go running back...hence you messaging into the early hours.

It is hard to end a relationship but surely you can see you mean so little to him that when things are on the rocks his first thought is to go and have sex with someone else.

You can do this, keep reading this thread and your old one to remind you what a wanker he is and who expects you to put him above your daughter.

He's just awful.
Yes, of course he can go on the pull. Then he can bloody well leave you alone.
Tell him it's over and then block him.
That sounds like I think it's easy - it isn't. I know it isn't.
The hard work comes after you've said it's over. It's hard to stick to it.
Honestly, tell him it's over now and then concentrate on building a new life without him in it.
And block, block, block - on everything!

Tell him to crack on, then block.

Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with someone like this when she's older?

I'm guessing no way.

In which case stop modelling his behaviour to her which will make her think this is normal and acceptable.

Also if it's not good enough for her then it's not good enough for you.

Block this man, you can do it.

@Heidi5764 after his latest comment I'd definitely be telling him good riddance!

Don't feel weak, it's so easy to get drawn in the these men!

I know I totally agree I dont know why it's so bloody damn hard to say those final words. I dont know what I'm waiting for, I need a kick up the bum! All of your comments are really helping and I do keep re-reading them all back

Ah OP,

Done allow yourself to be treated so appalling.

If not for yourself, for your daughter.

Dear God, but he is not a good man.

Do not have him in your lives.

Think of your child.

@billy1966 I'm going to be so annoyed at myself when I look back in a couple of weeks /months to have allowed myself to be treated like this, but at the moment it is so hard.

Get rid OP! You can do it! Just a few words and that’s it done.

You must know it’s not good for your or your daughter for him to be in your life.

@Heidi5764 - I’m guessing that, at some level, you think this is all you deserve in a relationship - that’s why you’re finding it so hard. So believe us all when we tell you that you deserve a man who always treats you kindly and with respect. He is not that man.

@Heidi5764
I said to my best friend a while ago I think hes a fun partner but not a 'I need to do real life with partner'

This op. When the rubber hits the road as in your dd getting stung by a jellyfish he wasn't much use was he. In fact it was an inconvenience to him and didn't fit in with his plans

What is honestly stopping you OP?
Are you scared he'll get angry?
Are you scared he'll just accept it and leave?
Are you scared you'll never meet someone else?
Try to be honest about what is stopping you. You don't have to do that here if you don't want to. But be honest to yourself.